I'm not sure where to post this, but how do I become a more empathetic mother?

[Anonymous]

A few things OP...

1) Reading Janet Lansbury has really helped me with this. I actually re-read parts of No Bad Kids every few months when I feel like I'm getting frustrated and/or angry too often.
2) Model for your kids. When you realize what's happening, immediately say something like: "I'm getting so frustrated. I just really need a minute to take a deep breath and calm down." Then later, you can apologize to them if appropriate and try to explain what happened.
3) We all lose it from time to time. Parenting young kids is hard. Give yourself a break and know that getting frustrated that your kid is throwing a tantrum about what socks he wants to wear doesn't make you a bad mom. It just makes you human.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, everyone’s mom has a diagnosable personality disorder. Please. Perpertuating the idea that we must be engaged but respectful and awesome is what causes so many of us to feel inferior.

The truth is, even now, with awareness and help and men helping - this shit is hard. It just is. Work on you and improving. Stop blaming your mothers. How juvenile.

I'm going to stop you right there. No one is talking about being a Pinterest perfect parent. Being a parent is hard, . Being hard is not an excuse to be emotionally negligent or abusive. If you're spending all day yelling at your kid is resenting your kid for being a child you need to seek help. What happens in childhood matters it doesn't just magically go away when you turn 18.

Yeah, I don't think anyone said this was okay. I just also don't like this movement of painting all moms that struggled with this brush of 'BPD" now, in retrospect, from our positions of more knowledge and resources and countless more options. It just isn't fair. And I would be carefyl about setting that example for your own children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A few things OP...

1) Reading Janet Lansbury has really helped me with this. I actually re-read parts of No Bad Kids every few months when I feel like I'm getting frustrated and/or angry too often.
2) Model for your kids. When you realize what's happening, immediately say something like: "I'm getting so frustrated. I just really need a minute to take a deep breath and calm down." Then later, you can apologize to them if appropriate and try to explain what happened.
3) We all lose it from time to time. Parenting young kids is hard. Give yourself a break and know that getting frustrated that your kid is throwing a tantrum about what socks he wants to wear doesn't make you a bad mom. It just makes you human.

I completely agree on No Bad Kids.. it helped me to understand why my kids were acting the way they were and that they were struggling to control their emotions and not sociopaths.
I'm not always empathetic to their moods but do my best to fake it and I think that does wonders for calming the situation.
And when you can't get a handle on their emotions or your own, walk away, take a breath and come back.

[Anonymous]

Whenever I feel myself getting frustrated at my daughter, I try to tell myself, "She's 2. She doesn't know what she's doing. She's not doing this to me; she's just being 2 years old."

I also try really hard to keep a calm tone. Janet Lansbury helped me too. I try to comfort her and calm her down before I ask her to do something like apologize because I know that when she's having a tantrum, she can't hear or understand me.

Example: last night, she hit DH and me out of nowhere. We said to her, "You hit us and that hurt. Please say you're sorry." She started completely sobbing, so I gave her a hug and rubbed her back. She calmed down within a minute or so and then, without prompting, said, "I'm sorry mommy. I'm sorry daddy" and gave us hugs.

They need help regulating their emotions and a big part of that is physical comfort and remaining calm.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few things OP...

1) Reading Janet Lansbury has really helped me with this. I actually re-read parts of No Bad Kids every few months when I feel like I'm getting frustrated and/or angry too often.
2) Model for your kids. When you realize what's happening, immediately say something like: "I'm getting so frustrated. I just really need a minute to take a deep breath and calm down." Then later, you can apologize to them if appropriate and try to explain what happened.
3) We all lose it from time to time. Parenting young kids is hard. Give yourself a break and know that getting frustrated that your kid is throwing a tantrum about what socks he wants to wear doesn't make you a bad mom. It just makes you human.

I completely agree on No Bad Kids.. it helped me to understand why my kids were acting the way they were and that they were struggling to control their emotions and not sociopaths.
I'm not always empathetic to their moods but do my best to fake it and I think that does wonders for calming the situation.
And when you can't get a handle on their emotions or your own, walk away, take a breath and come back.

Also came here to post about Janet Lansbury! I also like how a big piece of her philosophy is about setting your own boundaries as a parent and not completely surrendering yourself to the role of Mom. Those of us who grew up with inconsistent or unstable parents often swing back in the other direction and become overinvolved and obsessed with trying to be everything for our kids (like the codependent kids of narcissists a pp mentioned).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A few things OP...

1) Reading Janet Lansbury has really helped me with this. I actually re-read parts of No Bad Kids every few months when I feel like I'm getting frustrated and/or angry too often.
2) Model for your kids. When you realize what's happening, immediately say something like: "I'm getting so frustrated. I just really need a minute to take a deep breath and calm down." Then later, you can apologize to them if appropriate and try to explain what happened.
3) We all lose it from time to time. Parenting young kids is hard. Give yourself a break and know that getting frustrated that your kid is throwing a tantrum about what socks he wants to wear doesn't make you a bad mom. It just makes you human.

PP, would you consider yourself unempathetic, or just someone who loses patience? As someone in the more "unempathetic" camp, I find Janet Lansbury to be useless. My issue is not losing patience or getting angry, but rather a tendence to disconnect from people in general that can unfortunately impact my parenting as well. Lansbury really seems to push interacting with your children in an unnatural way that does not foster connection. Obviously if your issue is losing patience and screaming at your kid, she may have better tips. But to create genuine CONNECTION, there is no one set of magic words or behaviors. Taking a break can be another way to isolate yourself. The only parenting advice I've found that helps is Stanley Greenspan and other writers who emphasize getting on your kids wavelength in a physical and emotional way (kind of definition of empathy.) I don't need RIE to tell me to promote independent play or whatever. I know how to do that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few things OP...

1) Reading Janet Lansbury has really helped me with this. I actually re-read parts of No Bad Kids every few months when I feel like I'm getting frustrated and/or angry too often.
2) Model for your kids. When you realize what's happening, immediately say something like: "I'm getting so frustrated. I just really need a minute to take a deep breath and calm down." Then later, you can apologize to them if appropriate and try to explain what happened.
3) We all lose it from time to time. Parenting young kids is hard. Give yourself a break and know that getting frustrated that your kid is throwing a tantrum about what socks he wants to wear doesn't make you a bad mom. It just makes you human.

I completely agree on No Bad Kids.. it helped me to understand why my kids were acting the way they were and that they were struggling to control their emotions and not sociopaths.
I'm not always empathetic to their moods but do my best to fake it and I think that does wonders for calming the situation.
And when you can't get a handle on their emotions or your own, walk away, take a breath and come back.

Also came here to post about Janet Lansbury! I also like how a big piece of her philosophy is about setting your own boundaries as a parent and not completely surrendering yourself to the role of Mom. Those of us who grew up with inconsistent or unstable parents often swing back in the other direction and become overinvolved and obsessed with trying to be everything for our kids (like the codependent kids of narcissists a pp mentioned).

Again, the problem of unempathetic mothers is that they have boundaries that are too rigid. I didn't hear PP say she's overinvolved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A few things OP...

1) Reading Janet Lansbury has really helped me with this. I actually re-read parts of No Bad Kids every few months when I feel like I'm getting frustrated and/or angry too often.
2) Model for your kids. When you realize what's happening, immediately say something like: "I'm getting so frustrated. I just really need a minute to take a deep breath and calm down." Then later, you can apologize to them if appropriate and try to explain what happened.
3) We all lose it from time to time. Parenting young kids is hard. Give yourself a break and know that getting frustrated that your kid is throwing a tantrum about what socks he wants to wear doesn't make you a bad mom. It just makes you human.

I came here to recommend Janet Lansbury - so helpful. Her website is a good place to start!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few things OP...

1) Reading Janet Lansbury has really helped me with this. I actually re-read parts of No Bad Kids every few months when I feel like I'm getting frustrated and/or angry too often.
2) Model for your kids. When you realize what's happening, immediately say something like: "I'm getting so frustrated. I just really need a minute to take a deep breath and calm down." Then later, you can apologize to them if appropriate and try to explain what happened.
3) We all lose it from time to time. Parenting young kids is hard. Give yourself a break and know that getting frustrated that your kid is throwing a tantrum about what socks he wants to wear doesn't make you a bad mom. It just makes you human.

PP, would you consider yourself unempathetic, or just someone who loses patience? As someone in the more "unempathetic" camp, I find Janet Lansbury to be useless. My issue is not losing patience or getting angry, but rather a tendence to disconnect from people in general that can unfortunately impact my parenting as well. Lansbury really seems to push interacting with your children in an unnatural way that does not foster connection. Obviously if your issue is losing patience and screaming at your kid, she may have better tips. But to create genuine CONNECTION, there is no one set of magic words or behaviors. Taking a break can be another way to isolate yourself. The only parenting advice I've found that helps is Stanley Greenspan and other writers who emphasize getting on your kids wavelength in a physical and emotional way (kind of definition of empathy.) I don't need RIE to tell me to promote independent play or whatever. I know how to do that!

In what way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see myself becoming my mother. She was never " in tune" to us. She had a way of making everything about her and not really letting us express ourselves. I can't really explain it but basically she was more into the image if motherhood and being respected than actually getting to know us. I always wanted a close relationship. The kind where I could not be afraid to tell her about my bad day because she would just brush my feelings aside. Or worry about what mood she'd be in. Or be yelled at if I didn't think they way she thought.

I call my mom “Betty Draper.” I didn’t even realize Betty Draper was a bad mom until I started reading articles on Mad Men (I was a big fan on the show). I agree it’s hard to pinpoint what’s wrong - any incident taken in isolation is not a “big deal.” But you end up left with feeling criticized after every conversation, being told however you are feeling is wrong, etc. It does a number on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few things OP...

1) Reading Janet Lansbury has really helped me with this. I actually re-read parts of No Bad Kids every few months when I feel like I'm getting frustrated and/or angry too often.
2) Model for your kids. When you realize what's happening, immediately say something like: "I'm getting so frustrated. I just really need a minute to take a deep breath and calm down." Then later, you can apologize to them if appropriate and try to explain what happened.
3) We all lose it from time to time. Parenting young kids is hard. Give yourself a break and know that getting frustrated that your kid is throwing a tantrum about what socks he wants to wear doesn't make you a bad mom. It just makes you human.

PP, would you consider yourself unempathetic, or just someone who loses patience? As someone in the more "unempathetic" camp, I find Janet Lansbury to be useless. My issue is not losing patience or getting angry, but rather a tendence to disconnect from people in general that can unfortunately impact my parenting as well. Lansbury really seems to push interacting with your children in an unnatural way that does not foster connection. Obviously if your issue is losing patience and screaming at your kid, she may have better tips. But to create genuine CONNECTION, there is no one set of magic words or behaviors. Taking a break can be another way to isolate yourself. The only parenting advice I've found that helps is Stanley Greenspan and other writers who emphasize getting on your kids wavelength in a physical and emotional way (kind of definition of empathy.) I don't need RIE to tell me to promote independent play or whatever. I know how to do that!

In what way?

Well, I'm sure that the way she parents feels natural and good to her, and is what some other mothers need. But her advice is not about creating connection where it's lacking. RIE is basically about promoting a hands-off approach where you "respect your child's process" and the parent being a "leader" and standing back and "observing" your child -- not really a way to increase engagement and empathy if that's what you're lacking. She speaks smarmily about parents who **gasp** PLAY with their children in an interactive way. I guess if you have an anxious and intrusive parenting style, maybe RIE better advice. But that's not how OP described herself.

https://www.janetlansbury.com/2013/12/rie-par...respect-into-action/

[Anonymous]

Your awareness is a good start. One important thing is to acknowledge and validate whatever it is your child is feeling. Even if what they are angry or frustrated about isn't rational, the anger or frustration is real, and letting them know that they've been heard and not brushed off makes a big difference. Wait until they (and perhaps you) are calmer to correct or instruct, unless it's a matter of safety or urgency. Also, if you tend to get agitated when your child is having strong feelings, do your best to pause and take a breath or two before you react. If you can stay calm even when your kid is losing it, your kid will feel safe with you, will calm down more quickly, and will more readily feel connected with you.

[Anonymous]

One of the best books I read on this was John Gottman's The Heart of Parenting: Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child. It's got an extensive self-evaluation on your own emotional style of relating that help you make links with how you are raised and develop a new pattern. I also like things like No Drama Discipline and How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen for how to give empathetic yet firm guidance to your children. But the Gottman book is great for becoming aware of the messages you send your kids about their feelings.

I admire you for wanting to break the cycle -- that's not easy, but you sound like you're already so much more aware than your parents were.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, everyone’s mom has a diagnosable personality disorder. Please. Perpertuating the idea that we must be engaged but respectful and awesome is what causes so many of us to feel inferior.

The truth is, even now, with awareness and help and men helping - this shit is hard. It just is. Work on you and improving. Stop blaming your mothers. How juvenile.

I'm going to stop you right there. No one is talking about being a Pinterest perfect parent. Being a parent is hard, . Being hard is not an excuse to be emotionally negligent or abusive. If you're spending all day yelling at your kid is resenting your kid for being a child you need to seek help. What happens in childhood matters it doesn't just magically go away when you turn 18.

Yeah, I don't think anyone said this was okay. I just also don't like this movement of painting all moms that struggled with this brush of 'BPD" now, in retrospect, from our positions of more knowledge and resources and countless more options. It just isn't fair. And I would be carefyl about setting that example for your own children.

I don't think it is a "movement." I do think that children of moms with PDs struggle, and so might show up disproportionately on advice boards. Anyway, the OP isn't posting about her relationship with her mom. She is posting about her relationship with her kids. Your focus on the OP's mom says something about you. I have a few good guesses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, everyone’s mom has a diagnosable personality disorder. Please. Perpertuating the idea that we must be engaged but respectful and awesome is what causes so many of us to feel inferior.

The truth is, even now, with awareness and help and men helping - this shit is hard. It just is. Work on you and improving. Stop blaming your mothers. How juvenile.

I'm going to stop you right there. No one is talking about being a Pinterest perfect parent. Being a parent is hard, . Being hard is not an excuse to be emotionally negligent or abusive. If you're spending all day yelling at your kid is resenting your kid for being a child you need to seek help. What happens in childhood matters it doesn't just magically go away when you turn 18.

Yeah, I don't think anyone said this was okay. I just also don't like this movement of painting all moms that struggled with this brush of 'BPD" now, in retrospect, from our positions of more knowledge and resources and countless more options. It just isn't fair. And I would be carefyl about setting that example for your own children.

I don't think it is a "movement." I do think that children of moms with PDs struggle, and so might show up disproportionately on advice boards. Anyway, the OP isn't posting about her relationship with her mom. She is posting about her relationship with her kids. Your focus on the OP's mom says something about you. I have a few good guesses.

Wow, you are so aggressive and nasty! You've called me a toxic mother, and told me you have a few "good guesses" for all the terrible things I might be. You have serious anger and hostility issues. I would be more concerned about that.