I'm not sure where to post this, but how do I become a more empathetic mother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing that I learned from my child was to say, "I'm sorry that happened to you" and, "wow, I can only imagine how that must have made you feel". Before I jump into doing what I do, analyzing, trouble shooting, trying to turn it into a lesson, etc. etc.

Yeah, me too! I'm not a naturally empathetic, I'm practical and I'm a fixer. It's taken me a while to figure out some people just need to feel they're heard before anything else.

[Anonymous]

I highly recommend reading Stanley Greenspan books. He is a child psychiatrist who developed the "floortime" approach to therapy, basically, the parent devoting time each day to engaging on the child's level. Even if your child doesn't have any issues, his books speak exactly to developing the kind of empathy and connectedness you feel like is missing.

I liked this one: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0010O06IQ/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_hsch_vapi_taft_p1_i1

[Anonymous]

My mom was a tyrant. It was her way or nothing. She yelled a lot. We weren't allowed to have our own opinions or dreams. I have tried to be different from her. The things I craved when I was younger that I never got are:

1. Having someone just listen to me. My mother was so judgmental about everything so at some point I stopped sharing things with her. If I had a problem, she always pointed out how it was my fault. Sometimes I just wanted to talk to someone and have someone hug me.
2. Allow me some space to develop my own personality and dreams. I was constantly being told my opinions were wrong, my taste in clothes was wrong, what I wanted to do when I grew up was wrong. I was a very shy, quiet kid who respected authority, so I never stood up for myself. Being treated like this had a serious negative impact on my self-esteem and my life.

My example may be a bit extreme, but I think this advice is sound - be a good listener and let your kids do things for themselves.

It can be hard to refrain from trying to steer kids a certain way. Some things you just have to let go. Your daughter wants to wear an outfit to school that doesn't match? Let it go. Other things that are more important, you can still be a good mom by mostly just being a good listener. You can end up having some really great conversations with kids if you don't shut down the conversation with advice or judgement. It's not always easy to hold back. I have to remind myself sometimes, even with my childhood, that sometimes I just need to be quiet and listen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom was a tyrant. It was her way or nothing. She yelled a lot. We weren't allowed to have our own opinions or dreams. I have tried to be different from her. The things I craved when I was younger that I never got are:

1. Having someone just listen to me. My mother was so judgmental about everything so at some point I stopped sharing things with her. If I had a problem, she always pointed out how it was my fault. Sometimes I just wanted to talk to someone and have someone hug me.
2. Allow me some space to develop my own personality and dreams. I was constantly being told my opinions were wrong, my taste in clothes was wrong, what I wanted to do when I grew up was wrong. I was a very shy, quiet kid who respected authority, so I never stood up for myself. Being treated like this had a serious negative impact on my self-esteem and my life.

My example may be a bit extreme, but I think this advice is sound - be a good listener and let your kids do things for themselves.

It can be hard to refrain from trying to steer kids a certain way. Some things you just have to let go. Your daughter wants to wear an outfit to school that doesn't match? Let it go. Other things that are more important, you can still be a good mom by mostly just being a good listener. You can end up having some really great conversations with kids if you don't shut down the conversation with advice or judgement. It's not always easy to hold back. I have to remind myself sometimes, even with my childhood, that sometimes I just need to be quiet and listen.

Oh my goodness pp! Are you my sister? This is exactly how my mother was and how I don't want to be with my kids. I know how horrible this felt but I still have this urge to over correct and make things seem perfect and get upset at my kids when they act like kids. I hate myself for doing this.

I m trying to be different so thank you everyone for sharing advice
Believe I'm going to put it all to use.

[Anonymous]

OP, I hear you. My mother was never mean but judgemental and harsh in our tween and teen years. Kept me at a distance from her.

However the reality is my mom was “formal” with us because that’s who just who she is. She’s not goofy by nature. I too am more formal by nature but as my children have moved into tween and teenagers I have tried to relax with them to try and not keep them at a distance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see myself becoming my mother. She was never " in tune" to us. She had a way of making everything about her and not really letting us express ourselves. I can't really explain it but basically she was more into the image if motherhood and being respected than actually getting to know us. I always wanted a close relationship. The kind where I could not be afraid to tell her about my bad day because she would just brush my feelings aside. Or worry about what mood she'd be in. Or be yelled at if I didn't think they way she thought.

Your mother's a narcissist. They are damaged goods who can never change.

Check out Christine Hammond. She has quite a few podcasts. You'll recognize your mother in many of them.

-daughter of narc (But I cut her out of my life.)

[Anonymous]

22:02 again

Many children of narcs are co-dependents - always trying to please the controlling parent or partner to keep the peace. They are also very empathetic - or, if you're spiritual, empathic. If you get nervous or angry around your kids, you could be reacting to their emotions. Try to separate them from you by pulling back and become aware of your role in the situation.

My two are upper elementary and high school. I am still figuring out my trigger points b/c I still react. But now, I recognize that once I react, i quickly stop and tell my kids that I'm aware of a trigger. I talk to them about my childhood, as I don't want them to think it's ever about them. We are very close. They aren't afraid of me and they think I'm silly, which I am. My mother was cold and unapproachable. a true covert narcissist

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see myself becoming my mother. She was never " in tune" to us. She had a way of making everything about her and not really letting us express ourselves. I can't really explain it but basically she was more into the image if motherhood and being respected than actually getting to know us. I always wanted a close relationship. The kind where I could not be afraid to tell her about my bad day because she would just brush my feelings aside. Or worry about what mood she'd be in. Or be yelled at if I didn't think they way she thought.

Your mother's a narcissist. They are damaged goods who can never change.

Check out Christine Hammond. She has quite a few podcasts. You'll recognize your mother in many of them.

-daughter of narc (But I cut her out of my life.)

It's interesting you say this because I have thought she might be. I think my grandmother,get mom, was one as well. In some ways I feel bad for my mom. I think she modeled what she grew up with. Still, I don't want my kids to feel like I did or do ever so I'm trying to find a way.

[Anonymous]

I needed to read this thread today. We're all home and very sick. Dh is out of the country. I just want to scream and scream about everything and I try so hard not to. The toddler keeps hitting the baby and then the baby is hurt and screaming. It's so hard parenting this age because the toddler doesn't mean to and the baby just screams. And if we weren't all running fevers and puking we could have had adventures or left the house in 3 days. Tomorrow I'll try harder!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see myself becoming my mother. She was never " in tune" to us. She had a way of making everything about her and not really letting us express ourselves. I can't really explain it but basically she was more into the image if motherhood and being respected than actually getting to know us. I always wanted a close relationship. The kind where I could not be afraid to tell her about my bad day because she would just brush my feelings aside. Or worry about what mood she'd be in. Or be yelled at if I didn't think they way she thought.

Your mother's a narcissist. They are damaged goods who can never change.

Check out Christine Hammond. She has quite a few podcasts. You'll recognize your mother in many of them.

-daughter of narc (But I cut her out of my life.)

It's interesting you say this because I have thought she might be. I think my grandmother,get mom, was one as well. In some ways I feel bad for my mom. I think she modeled what she grew up with. Still, I don't want my kids to feel like I did or do ever so I'm trying to find a way.

Yes. My mom is a borderline/narc, and I recognized this in your post right away as well. I worry about my mom skills too but I know I am not her.

[Anonymous]

Yes, everyone’s mom has a diagnosable personality disorder. Please. Perpertuating the idea that we must be engaged but respectful and awesome is what causes so many of us to feel inferior.

The truth is, even now, with awareness and help and men helping - this shit is hard. It just is. Work on you and improving. Stop blaming your mothers. How juvenile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, everyone’s mom has a diagnosable personality disorder. Please. Perpertuating the idea that we must be engaged but respectful and awesome is what causes so many of us to feel inferior.

The truth is, even now, with awareness and help and men helping - this shit is hard. It just is. Work on you and improving. Stop blaming your mothers. How juvenile.

Hello toxic mom!!

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, my mom was the same way. I’d go to her for advice and she’d be dismissive, brush off whatever I was feeling, so as I got older I stopped sharing things with her. I am envious of those with good relationships with their mom. I have two young children and I try to acknowledge and validate what they are feeling. I try to be a good mom, and do what I can to not replicate what my mom did. Like others have said, just you asking the question already makes you more empathetic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing that I learned from my child was to say, "I'm sorry that happened to you" and, "wow, I can only imagine how that must have made you feel". Before I jump into doing what I do, analyzing, trouble shooting, trying to turn it into a lesson, etc. etc.

It's good you realized this. I could literally be crying and instead of giving me a hug my mother would go into a lecture about what I was doing wrong. You can guess what my relationship with her is like now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, everyone’s mom has a diagnosable personality disorder. Please. Perpertuating the idea that we must be engaged but respectful and awesome is what causes so many of us to feel inferior.

The truth is, even now, with awareness and help and men helping - this shit is hard. It just is. Work on you and improving. Stop blaming your mothers. How juvenile.

I'm going to stop you right there. No one is talking about being a Pinterest perfect parent. Being a parent is hard, . Being hard is not an excuse to be emotionally negligent or abusive. If you're spending all day yelling at your kid is resenting your kid for being a child you need to seek help. What happens in childhood matters it doesn't just magically go away when you turn 18.