Still crying at age 11?

[Anonymous]

OP, how would you like her to express sadness? Have you practiced those techniques together? Kids don’t actually grow out of this stuff organically, they just find different coping mechanisms. You were hoping she would find the coping mechanism of bottling up her feelings because you value being “brave and strong” over emotional awareness and openness and because it is less work for you if she just suppresses her emotions. That is bad parenting all around. Figure out some healthy strategies to actually express sadness rather than hide it and then work together on those.

[Anonymous]

Puberty causes PMS like emotions. It is also frustrating to be the rule follower when you have a younger sibling who tends to get away with a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, how would you like her to express sadness? Have you practiced those techniques together? Kids don’t actually grow out of this stuff organically, they just find different coping mechanisms. You were hoping she would find the coping mechanism of bottling up her feelings because you value being “brave and strong” over emotional awareness and openness and because it is less work for you if she just suppresses her emotions. That is bad parenting all around. Figure out some healthy strategies to actually express sadness rather than hide it and then work together on those.

Can you suggest some alternative coping mechanisms? My 12 yo cries pretty easily and I know it bothers her. (Once I saw she had googled, 'why do I cry so much?') I was never much of a crier, and her older sister tends not to be bothered by nearly as much. In part, I think this is a confidence thing (her older sister has more of a 'go to hell' attitude for issues where the younger one would cry). Tangible suggestions for a different way to express her emotions when she clearly doesn't want to do so by crying?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how would you like her to express sadness? Have you practiced those techniques together? Kids don’t actually grow out of this stuff organically, they just find different coping mechanisms. You were hoping she would find the coping mechanism of bottling up her feelings because you value being “brave and strong” over emotional awareness and openness and because it is less work for you if she just suppresses her emotions. That is bad parenting all around. Figure out some healthy strategies to actually express sadness rather than hide it and then work together on those.

Can you suggest some alternative coping mechanisms? My 12 yo cries pretty easily and I know it bothers her. (Once I saw she had googled, 'why do I cry so much?') I was never much of a crier, and her older sister tends not to be bothered by nearly as much. In part, I think this is a confidence thing (her older sister has more of a 'go to hell' attitude for issues where the younger one would cry). Tangible suggestions for a different way to express her emotions when she clearly doesn't want to do so by crying?

Did you google it yourself? Here are some. https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/319778.php FYI- My 12 yr old (boy) who is wired this way will now occasionally run down the hall to his quite room or even a closet when really piss him off. I consider that his own form of "mediation." Sort of cracks me up but not a bad coping strategy. Really I'd brainstorm with her about what she thinks might work and then have her have three options in mind that she can try next time she feels overwhelmed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, how would you like her to express sadness? Have you practiced those techniques together? Kids don’t actually grow out of this stuff organically, they just find different coping mechanisms. You were hoping she would find the coping mechanism of bottling up her feelings because you value being “brave and strong” over emotional awareness and openness and because it is less work for you if she just suppresses her emotions. That is bad parenting all around. Figure out some healthy strategies to actually express sadness rather than hide it and then work together on those.

actually, kids do learn different coping mechanisms as they get older, and they're really important to develop. One of the things i try to teach my kids is to "shrug it off." There are things that make us sad and we cry about it. It feels good to cry, and it's therapeutic. But, there are daily things that happen to us that are either unfair, or hurtful or frustrating and crying really isn't the best reaction. My 11 year old has a boy in her class who cries a lot. He cries when he feels hurt or when he loses. I really feel for this kid because he doesn't have good coping mechanisms. Now, I think OP's daughter is entirely different, but I am using the example of the boy to show that not all crying is positive or healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD cries a lot over things that upset her. For example, just now, device time was ending and she was starting to unload the dishwasher. When I called up to her younger brother to get off his device, he asked if he could finish his game and I said OK. This provoked tears and sniffling in DD, who told me I was being unfair. She reacts this way to a lot of our parenting requests. Some reactions are more dramatic than others and are borderline tantrums. She's been like this for years, and I guess we assumed that she would outgrow it, but that does not seem to be happening. SO my question is whether this is normal behavior for an 11 year old, and if not, what should we do about it?

OP- totally normal, and okay. Some kids/people are just more sensitive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how would you like her to express sadness? Have you practiced those techniques together? Kids don’t actually grow out of this stuff organically, they just find different coping mechanisms. You were hoping she would find the coping mechanism of bottling up her feelings because you value being “brave and strong” over emotional awareness and openness and because it is less work for you if she just suppresses her emotions. That is bad parenting all around. Figure out some healthy strategies to actually express sadness rather than hide it and then work together on those.

Can you suggest some alternative coping mechanisms? My 12 yo cries pretty easily and I know it bothers her. (Once I saw she had googled, 'why do I cry so much?') I was never much of a crier, and her older sister tends not to be bothered by nearly as much. In part, I think this is a confidence thing (her older sister has more of a 'go to hell' attitude for issues where the younger one would cry). Tangible suggestions for a different way to express her emotions when she clearly doesn't want to do so by crying?

Did you google it yourself? Here are some. https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/319778.php FYI- My 12 yr old (boy) who is wired this way will now occasionally run down the hall to his quite room or even a closet when really piss him off. I consider that his own form of "mediation." Sort of cracks me up but not a bad coping strategy. Really I'd brainstorm with her about what she thinks might work and then have her have three options in mind that she can try next time she feels overwhelmed.

Yes. There are two parts to managing the emotions. The first is how to recognize she is over-reacting and have some strategies to calm down. The article is really good - I was going to suggest a few of them, such as taking a deep breath, turning away and coughing, and closing your eyes and imagining something calming (a sunny beach for me!)

The second is to learn to not get emotional over trivial things in the first place. Some of that is just self management - not getting hungry or overtired. But a lot of that is being able to discuss the types of things that can trigger tears in a non-emotional setting and let her express her feelings and devise strategies to respond. It can be a hard lesson to learn that some people are not kind, or not thoughtful, or are greedy, etc. but that is not something personal against your daughter. Talking about situations in advance and how to think about it can help her recognize them when they occur and respond appropriately. Most calm adults don't respond to being cut off while driving by bursting into tears or have a sudden rage of anger. They may think "Whoops! that person needs to pay better attention." Perhaps sharing with her some of your everyday little situations and how you respond will help her develop those skills.

In my family, we tend to respond with humor when something is on the verge of frustrating for someone. A favorite response of my husband's - "you must lower your standards" said in a low sing-song voice. Or when our children/young teens are unhappy and teary about stopping whatever it is (typically electronics) and we've heard a complaint of "but I can't stop", then the "finger-of-off" will make a slow motion appearance and narrate the drama occurring as it heads towards the off button. Turns the teary situation into a combination of tears and laughter, but it helps our kids see when they are being over-reactive. Silly, but that's us.

Good luck to everyone with those teary tweenagers!

[Anonymous]

Honestly, my DD has two friends who are 11 that have younger brothers. Both girls are rule followers (like your daughter) and they both have younger brothers who are called (gently) handfuls. They tell my DD how frustrating it is that their little brothers get away with so much and behave so differently from them, but their parents don't do anything about it. Nip this in the bud, OP.

[Anonymous]

It seems very normal to me. Really. You still have the teen years to come, and there will be more crying, for years. Kids cry, and not just girls.

As you acknowledged, you were a little unfair, but guess what? That's life! Of course you can try to be consistently fair, but don't beat yourself up about it if you can't be perfectly fair all the time. It sounds like your daughter had a chore to do, and your son didn't, and sometimes that's just how it is. Maybe he already did his job; only you would know.

A little more time listening is all I can suggest. Sometimes kids just need to be heard when they start to lose it.

Wishing you well.

[Anonymous]

I cried myself to sleep every night at that age. I was just learning how awful the world can be (war, famine, violence). Also I had fairly neglectful parents, and felt unseen. If your daughter missed part of her device time because she was helping in the kitchen, couldn’t you have said okay, you can do one game when you’re done? It helps so much if kids just can feel heard. But remember, at this age overwhelming and sometimes unfounded waves of emotion are hormonal and completely natural.

[Anonymous]

Well, you were being unfair. She was doing her chore as she was supposed to and the younger sibling go to keep gaming.

Anyway, I found the my girls could cry almost on command at any little slight when they were around 11. I attributed it to their hormones and them not fully understanding what's going on inside of them. One, very clearly to me, got PMS each month starting at around age 11 even though she didn't get her period until she was 12. She would get moody, eat more than normal, and just be an overall brat for about a week each month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD cries a lot over things that upset her. For example, just now, device time was ending and she was starting to unload the dishwasher. When I called up to her younger brother to get off his device, he asked if he could finish his game and I said OK. This provoked tears and sniffling in DD, who told me I was being unfair. She reacts this way to a lot of our parenting requests. Some reactions are more dramatic than others and are borderline tantrums. She's been like this for years, and I guess we assumed that she would outgrow it, but that does not seem to be happening. SO my question is whether this is normal behavior for an 11 year old, and if not, what should we do about it?

It may be helpful to teach your DD to use more verbal communication to express what she wants. Knowing very little, but what I read above, it looks like she was stuck doing a chore while the device time was winding down. So in this case, it may help to tell her that to avoid missing out on device time in the future, she could 1) finish chores and homework earlier to preserve device time 2) if the family schedule (activities, dinner, chores) prevents device time, and she has had to miss it for several days, she could come and talk to you about it and figure out how to squeeze in some device time. They key is to have her be able to figure out how to get want she wants while fulfilling her responsibilites. Put her in control of achieving her goals, wants, desires, etc. Also, not that it is necessarily happening, make sure your son is getting his fair share of chores and is not getting more free time. Both your kids should should know that screen time is not a giving for everyday, especially when it is a busy day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how would you like her to express sadness? Have you practiced those techniques together? Kids don’t actually grow out of this stuff organically, they just find different coping mechanisms. You were hoping she would find the coping mechanism of bottling up her feelings because you value being “brave and strong” over emotional awareness and openness and because it is less work for you if she just suppresses her emotions. That is bad parenting all around. Figure out some healthy strategies to actually express sadness rather than hide it and then work together on those.

Can you suggest some alternative coping mechanisms? My 12 yo cries pretty easily and I know it bothers her. (Once I saw she had googled, 'why do I cry so much?') I was never much of a crier, and her older sister tends not to be bothered by nearly as much. In part, I think this is a confidence thing (her older sister has more of a 'go to hell' attitude for issues where the younger one would cry). Tangible suggestions for a different way to express her emotions when she clearly doesn't want to do so by crying?

Did you google it yourself? Here are some. https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/319778.php FYI- My 12 yr old (boy) who is wired this way will now occasionally run down the hall to his quite room or even a closet when really piss him off. I consider that his own form of "mediation." Sort of cracks me up but not a bad coping strategy. Really I'd brainstorm with her about what she thinks might work and then have her have three options in mind that she can try next time she feels overwhelmed.

Yes. There are two parts to managing the emotions. The first is how to recognize she is over-reacting and have some strategies to calm down. The article is really good - I was going to suggest a few of them, such as taking a deep breath, turning away and coughing, and closing your eyes and imagining something calming (a sunny beach for me!)

The second is to learn to not get emotional over trivial things in the first place. Some of that is just self management - not getting hungry or overtired. But a lot of that is being able to discuss the types of things that can trigger tears in a non-emotional setting and let her express her feelings and devise strategies to respond. It can be a hard lesson to learn that some people are not kind, or not thoughtful, or are greedy, etc. but that is not something personal against your daughter. Talking about situations in advance and how to think about it can help her recognize them when they occur and respond appropriately. Most calm adults don't respond to being cut off while driving by bursting into tears or have a sudden rage of anger. They may think "Whoops! that person needs to pay better attention." Perhaps sharing with her some of your everyday little situations and how you respond will help her develop those skills.

In my family, we tend to respond with humor when something is on the verge of frustrating for someone. A favorite response of my husband's - "you must lower your standards" said in a low sing-song voice. Or when our children/young teens are unhappy and teary about stopping whatever it is (typically electronics) and we've heard a complaint of "but I can't stop", then the "finger-of-off" will make a slow motion appearance and narrate the drama occurring as it heads towards the off button. Turns the teary situation into a combination of tears and laughter, but it helps our kids see when they are being over-reactive. Silly, but that's us.

Good luck to everyone with those teary tweenagers!

The "finger of off"! I love it. You are spot on. OP--one very useful thing a pre-school teacher told me years ago was that my son's feelings were scary to him. The PP has described ways in which you can make your DD less scared of her feelings. You have to talk about your own A LOT. Pick a Saturday outing and try articulating your feelings and what you are "doing with them." Your DD will benefit from understanding your coping strategies whether they are humor, internal eye roll, "killing everyone with kindness" or "faking it until you make it."

[Anonymous]

The parenting column in today’s Post is exactly on point. Also recommends “The Highly Sensitive Child.”

[Anonymous]

Forgot the link: https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/on-parenting/i-want-my-son-to-be-more-resilient-is-that-teachable/2019/01/08/08b84268-0f63-11e9-84fc-d58c33d6c8c7_story.html?utm_term=.4d645e1da529