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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, how would you like her to express sadness?  Have you practiced those techniques together?  Kids don’t actually grow out of this stuff organically, they just find different coping mechanisms.  You were hoping she would find the coping mechanism of bottling up her feelings because you value being “brave and strong” over emotional awareness and openness and because it is less work for you if she just suppresses her emotions.  That is bad parenting all around.  Figure out some healthy strategies to actually express sadness rather than hide it and then work together on those.[/quote]

Can you suggest some alternative coping mechanisms?  My 12 yo cries pretty easily and I know it bothers her.  (Once I saw she had googled, 'why do I cry so much?')  I was never much of a crier, and her older sister tends not to be bothered by nearly as much.  In part, I think this is a confidence thing (her older sister has more of a 'go to hell' attitude for issues where the younger one would cry).  Tangible suggestions for a different way to express her emotions when she clearly doesn't want to do so by crying?  [/quote]

Did you google it yourself?  Here are some. [b]https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/319778.php[/b] FYI- My 12 yr old (boy) who is wired this way will now occasionally run down the hall to his quite room or even a closet when really piss him off.  I consider that his own form of "mediation." Sort of cracks me up but not a bad coping strategy.  Really I'd brainstorm with her about what she thinks might work and[b] then have her have three options in mind [/b]that she can try next time she feels overwhelmed.[/quote]
Yes. There are two parts to managing the emotions. The first is how to recognize she is over-reacting and have some strategies to calm down. The article is really good - I was going to suggest a few of them, such as taking a deep breath, turning away and coughing, and closing your eyes and imagining something calming (a sunny beach for me!)

The second is to learn to not get emotional over trivial things in the first place. Some of that is just self management - not getting hungry or overtired. But a lot of that is being able to discuss the types of things that can trigger tears in a non-emotional setting and let her express her feelings and devise strategies to respond. It can be a hard lesson to learn that some people are not kind, or not thoughtful, or are greedy, etc. but that is not something personal against your daughter. Talking about situations in advance and how to think about it can help her recognize them when they occur and respond appropriately. Most calm adults don't respond to being cut off while driving by bursting into tears or have a sudden rage of anger. They may think "Whoops! that person needs to pay better attention." Perhaps sharing with her some of your everyday little situations and how you respond will help her develop those skills.

In my family, we tend to respond with humor when something is on the verge of frustrating for someone. A favorite response of my husband's - "you must lower your standards" said in a low sing-song voice. Or when our children/young teens are unhappy and teary about stopping whatever it is (typically electronics) and we've heard a complaint of "but I can't stop", then the "finger-of-off" will make a  slow motion appearance and narrate the drama occurring as it heads towards the off button. Turns the teary situation into a combination of tears and laughter, but it helps our kids see when they are being over-reactive. Silly, but that's us.

Good luck to everyone with those teary tweenagers![/quote]

The "finger of off"!  I love it. You are spot on.  OP--one very useful thing a pre-school teacher told me years ago was that my son's feelings were scary to him. The PP has described ways in which you can make your DD less scared of her feelings.  You have to talk about your own A LOT. Pick a Saturday outing and try articulating your feelings and what you are "doing with them."  Your DD will benefit from understanding your coping strategies whether they are humor, internal eye roll, "killing everyone with kindness" or "faking it until you make it."  [/quote]

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