My mother’s hurtful words. How to deal with her anger?

[Anonymous]

I used to feel bad that my sister never wanted kids when she was young and able to start a family, as she regretted her choices later. I don't feel bad for her anymore - I think it was for the best she didn't have kids. She began throwing giant meltdown tantrums at family gatherings when she was in her 50s, screaming abuse at whomever happened to be in her proximity. She has telephoned my kid and her cousins to scream at them over imaginary issues. As far as they're concerned, crazy Aunt Larla is at it again, but it would be a different story if it were her kids she was screaming at. If she'd had children, she would have been verbally abusive towards them. That's her personality, and always has been, only it's gotten worse over the decades. It's not my kid's fault, or her cousins' fault, if she can't handle stressors. Keep in mind it reflects more on your mother, and not on you, when she says hurtful things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sucks that your mom said those things, but as the your dad’s life partner she is really hurting. She is the inner ring. You are in the next layer of rings. Talk to a friend or another relative, but don’t dump on your mom right now.

PP here. I get that OP's mom is the inner ring but that refers to support flowing inward, not abuse flowing outward. I gave my mom a pass for the first few months and then I realized that one of her ways of coping was to take out her anger at the situation on her children. No. That is not OK.

OP, if this was unusual for her then try to forgive her, she is in pain, but do NOT let this become her pattern. She is not allowed to take out her frustrations on someone who is also going through fear and loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sucks that your mom said those things, but as the your dad’s life partner she is really hurting. She is the inner ring. You are in the next layer of rings. Talk to a friend or another relative, but don’t dump on your mom right now.

PP here. I get that OP's mom is the inner ring but that refers to support flowing inward, not abuse flowing outward. I gave my mom a pass for the first few months and then I realized that one of her ways of coping was to take out her anger at the situation on her children. No. That is not OK.

OP, if this was unusual for her then try to forgive her, she is in pain, but do NOT let this become her pattern. She is not allowed to take out her frustrations on someone who is also going through fear and loss.

+1 The PP misread the "ring" article.

Mom will have a very lonely old age if she keep hurtling abuse at her daughter whenever she can't cope.

OP, I'm sorry your dad is ill and that you are having this extra burden during this scary time. I hope you can let some of it go right now because she is hurting. But it isn't a daughter's job to be a punching bag.

[Anonymous]

OP, it's okay to set boundaries to protect yourself. Once those boundaries are firm, then you can work on compassion for your mom. But it's difficult to feel compassion if you feel overwhelmed by the person. Been there. Done that. The compassion came once I'd set those boundaries. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP my mom is the same except she would have just hung up on me with no warning and then refused to talk to me for a few weeks. It’s emotional blackmail. I have sort of cut her off for 6 months a few years ago but I want my kids to have grandparents so I try to make peace.

Posters who say it’s ok for the mother to act like this because she’s hurting or under stress must not have a mother who’s truly like this most of the time. I dread every time my caller is shows my mother is calling. Every conversation is about her problems, her complaints, every one is out to get her, how I never help her, how I never am polite to her, some insults about my husband, etc. and the discussion turns into how I am a bad daughter. I feel like there is a person standing behind me pushing down on my shoulders trying to push me into the ground. I hate it.

[Anonymous]

NP here. Wow it's helpful to me to see how many people relate. OP, my mom is a good and empathetic person when life is calm, but she becomes verbally abusive when stressed. I have the same situation-dad is ill and I became mom-s punching bag. I am not an only child, but live closest., It is common for the one who does the most to be treated like crap and the others who do little are treated well and that is the case in my family.

I set boundaries. I know mom is hurting and I likely was no saint as say an adolescent. I am there for her, but make it clear I will not be talked to in an abusive way. I have pulled back in response and then she becomes more needy, but i don't give in. She hates that I am more distant and detached, but it's how I protect myself and maintain a relationship. She likes to go on and on about how wonderful my siblings are and every now and then I say "wonderful. Please ask Larla to to come into town and take care of X,y and z for you. I could use a break."

[Anonymous]

Wow. This makes me incrediably thankful for my easygoing, and appreciative parents. Who are in fairly good health with the various typical issues though.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. My mother once told me she wished I'd never been born. You need to (1) consider that what she said was said out of anger and is likely not how she actually feels about you, (2) know that you are not stupid, unloved, etc. just because someone told you you were, and (3) develop coping strategies that allow you to create distance from her to keep yourself happy and sane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sucks that your mom said those things, but as the your dad’s life partner she is really hurting. She is the inner ring. You are in the next layer of rings. Talk to a friend or another relative, but don’t dump on your mom right now.

PP here. I get that OP's mom is the inner ring but that refers to support flowing inward, not abuse flowing outward. I gave my mom a pass for the first few months and then I realized that one of her ways of coping was to take out her anger at the situation on her children. No. That is not OK.

OP, if this was unusual for her then try to forgive her, she is in pain, but do NOT let this become her pattern. She is not allowed to take out her frustrations on someone who is also going through fear and loss.

Here are the rules. The person in the center ring can say anything she wants to anyone, anywhere. She can kvetch and complain and whine and moan and curse the heavens and say, "Life is unfair" and "Why me?" That's the one payoff for being in the center ring.

Everyone else can say those things too, but only to people in larger rings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sucks that your mom said those things, but as the your dad’s life partner she is really hurting. She is the inner ring. You are in the next layer of rings. Talk to a friend or another relative, but don’t dump on your mom right now.

PP here. I get that OP's mom is the inner ring but that refers to support flowing inward, not abuse flowing outward. I gave my mom a pass for the first few months and then I realized that one of her ways of coping was to take out her anger at the situation on her children. No. That is not OK.

OP, if this was unusual for her then try to forgive her, she is in pain, but do NOT let this become her pattern. She is not allowed to take out her frustrations on someone who is also going through fear and loss.

Here are the rules. The person in the center ring can say anything she wants to anyone, anywhere. She can kvetch and complain and whine and moan and curse the heavens and say, "Life is unfair" and "Why me?" That's the one payoff for being in the center ring.

Everyone else can say those things too, but only to people in larger rings.

Sorry. You can complain and curse the heavens but if you start abusing me I’m out of your rings or whatever. I’m there to support you, not to be your punching bag. If you can’t grieve without telling me I’m a bad person, we’ll have to grieve separately. I was abused as a child, and I can’t go back there. I know everyone grieves differently, but I lost a child without having to verbally abuse anyone, so I know it can be done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sucks that your mom said those things, but as the your dad’s life partner she is really hurting. She is the inner ring. You are in the next layer of rings. Talk to a friend or another relative, but don’t dump on your mom right now.

PP here. I get that OP's mom is the inner ring but that refers to support flowing inward, not abuse flowing outward. I gave my mom a pass for the first few months and then I realized that one of her ways of coping was to take out her anger at the situation on her children. No. That is not OK.

OP, if this was unusual for her then try to forgive her, she is in pain, but do NOT let this become her pattern. She is not allowed to take out her frustrations on someone who is also going through fear and loss.

+1 The PP misread the "ring" article.

Mom will have a very lonely old age if she keep hurtling abuse at her daughter whenever she can't cope.

OP, I'm sorry your dad is ill and that you are having this extra burden during this scary time. I hope you can let some of it go right now because she is hurting. But it isn't a daughter's job to be a punching bag.
!

How did the PP misread? The article is clear that you can dump out, not in. OP’s mom is super stressed out and dumped out.