My mother’s hurtful words. How to deal with her anger?

[Anonymous]

OP, when my dad had open heart surgery, my brother and I flew to our parents house to help. At one point, I stayed with my dad while my mom and brother went food shopping. I had never lived in the house they lived in then, so didn't quite know where things went. So I waited for my mom to hand me things and say "Go put this in the garage/freezer/etc."

At one point, she told me to put something in the garage. I did, and then promptly came back to the kitchen for the next instructions. She started to hand something to me and then told my brother, "You do it; Lauren will just screw it up." WTF?! She said one or two other super insulting things. When I called her out on them, she didn't even believe me until my brother AND dad backed me up.

It was stress. I forgave her.

[Anonymous]

Can you talk to your dad instead?

[Anonymous]

There is venting, there is stress venting, and then there is verbal abuse. You mom is the latter. I am so pro-family that it breaks my heart to say I would positive stop contact if I were in your shoes. That was deliberately hurtful and uncalled for and I’d fully step back until she can own her behavior like an adult and truly apologize. SHe does not get a pass from being civil (apparently you can forget about loving with her!) just because she’s dealing with a lot.

[Anonymous]

Op - your Mother is ill

Your Father is ill, but your Mother is also ill. First thing you need to do is accept this. And accept that you aren't a child any longer.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I want to punch her face in for you. It’s not your fault she’s failed to
Make others relationships for herself to support herself in time of need. Don’t talk to her for awhile.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. My mother is the same way. She overreacts and has even admitted to taking it out on me. She's gotten better in recent years and I've also learned to draw lines. But my dad's health has been worsening and a simple scheduling mistake has caused her to go off the deep end on me. I'm struggling to keep it together through all her nasty words and threats. I just acknowledge her feelings and apologize, but I also disengage. I can't let it get to me because I know eventually it will blow over. She won't apologize, but it will be like it never happened.

It's hard. I've often thought I should cut her out of my life, but when she's normal, we get along so well .and she loves DS and is an awesome grandparent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: She told me she’s sorry she only had one child (me) because I can’t be the daughter she needs right now. I never say the right things to her. I’m cold. I’m uncaring. I’m unsympathetic. She told me I’m “not so smart after all” because I can’t decipher the medical journal snippet his doctor gave her.

I know it shouldn’t bother me. I know she’s stressed and angry and upset. But I’m really hurt by her words (I told her this, but she responded with how it’s typical of me to turn everything on myself.)

It shouldn't bother you? This is almost unbelievable interpersonal abuse you have just described. I'll bet it's not the first time.

Tell your mother to get bent. She is not a good person.

[Anonymous]

Her comments must make you feel very lonely. I'm sorry.

I have no advice, but I won't ever forget the day I realized my mom isn't in my corner. I wish I could give you a hug.

[Anonymous]

If first time. Send an email covering what she said, and that it hurt you. Express that you understand she is hurting too, but you will not be talked to in that way.

If typical, then distance and boundaries. Let her initiate next call, and end the call when she gets verbally abusive.

[Anonymous]

My mother was the same. I had tried everything, talking to her, telling her I found the comments hurtful, which led to her saying I was sensitive and needed help. I tried ignoring what she was saying, I was just left feeling angry and resentful. Cutting her off for a while, nope things didn't change, again I was the problem. Then I tried wow that's hurtful when she said something- I was just sensitive again and difficult, her response 'oh here you go again'.

So one day I told her I was done that if she wanted to be a bitch fine but I wouldn't be around to listen to her BS, she of course didn't like it, so I then threw at her that she was just being sensitive. I used her words back on her. This was my last thing to try before I went very low to no contact. If it had of escalated from here I would have gone no contact.

She doesn't make those comments anymore because she knows I'll make it unpleasant for her.

I don't know if your mother always makes these comments or if this is something new due to your dad's illness. I would just tell her that her comments are unkind and hurtful when she says them. If she says you are sensitive just so 'no you are being unkind', I have to go. Put boundaries in place.

[Anonymous]

If this is the first time she has said these things, then yeah, there is likely a grain a truth to what she is saying. It sucks to hear people call out your faults. Maybe you do in fact come across in your interactions were her or others as cold and uncaring. For example, what you might consider funny or flip remarks can be heard as uncaring and mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this is the first time she has said these things, then yeah, there is likely a grain a truth to what she is saying. It sucks to hear people call out your faults. Maybe you do in fact come across in your interactions were her or others as cold and uncaring. For example, what you might consider funny or flip remarks can be heard as uncaring and mean.

Saying your child is cold is different from saying you’re sorry you didn’t have another kid because the one you have is inadequate. Talk about cold. It’s abusive.

OP, I’m sorry your mother said that. There’s no excuse for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this is the first time she has said these things, then yeah, there is likely a grain a truth to what she is saying. It sucks to hear people call out your faults. Maybe you do in fact come across in your interactions were her or others as cold and uncaring. For example, what you might consider funny or flip remarks can be heard as uncaring and mean.

Saying your child is cold is different from saying you’re sorry you didn’t have another kid because the one you have is inadequate. Talk about cold. It’s abusive.

OP, I’m sorry your mother said that. There’s no excuse for it.

sure if your child is still a child but OP is clearly an adult and no, it's not abusive if she is saying it once.

[Anonymous]

People here suggesting estrangement or their desire to punch your mom are the sick ones. She had a meltdown. Get over it. Tell her your feelings were hurt, then move on, and do your best to support her through this hard time. Do not be snarky.

[Anonymous]

It sucks that your mom said those things, but as the your dad’s life partner she is really hurting. She is the inner ring. You are in the next layer of rings. Talk to a friend or another relative, but don’t dump on your mom right now.