My mother’s hurtful words. How to deal with her anger?

[Anonymous]

I’m sitting here in a grocery store parking lot trying to stop crying. My dad is going through some serious medical issues and receiving treatment. My mom isn’t handling it well and always says she has nobody to talk to about it, so today I had time to talk to her alone (no kids on my end, no dad listening in on her end), and I guess nothing I said was right. She told me she’s sorry she only had one child (me) because I can’t be the daughter she needs right now. I never say the right things to her. I’m cold. I’m uncaring. I’m unsympathetic. She told me I’m “not so smart after all” because I can’t decipher the medical journal snippet his doctor gave her.

I know it shouldn’t bother me. I know she’s stressed and angry and upset. But I’m really hurt by her words (I told her this, but she responded with how it’s typical of me to turn everything on myself.)

How do you handle a parent who’s hurtful to you when you’re hurting yourself?

[Anonymous]

My mother did this too, until I drew boundaries and cut off contact with her for 6 months. I think she understood, because it’s been a few years and she hasn’t said anything shockingly bad about either DH or me.

That type of person only understands strength: assert all the power you can and never show vulnerability.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm the "Hallmark" poster about the mentally ill parent. Regardless of what your mom's going through, it's not okay for her to speak with you this way. I would imagine the fact you're an only child makes this more difficult. Perhaps you don't feel you can just step back, and you don't have a sibling to commiserate about this with. Please know you do not have to accept this verbal abuse. I would let her know you're sorry for what she's going through, but that you won't be spoken to this way. When it starts, I'd end the conversation and remain consistent in doing so. Again, I'm sorry and am sending you warm thoughts. I've been there.

[Anonymous]

My mom is the exact same way! I could t take it anymore and stopped contact as well. It’s almost been 6 months. I may touch base with her again in the summer, maybe or maybe not.

I know this sounds horrible but this thing happened every single time I saw her. I just try to remember the good times.

So sorry you are going through this. Good luck!!

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry about your Dad. I’m guessing they are not local?

Focus on supporting your Dad, and on dealing with your own sadness regarding his health. Don’t worry about your mom now — you can’t help care for her because she’s being so unfair to you. Deal with her later.

[Anonymous]

OP, it is really the worst when an already stressful situation is complicated by someone reacting like a raging child. Take care of yourself, figure out if there is anything you can do specifically for your dad, have your own support system, too.

Hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

The thing is you mom is struggling and lashing out. Is it fair? No. But it’s not personal. Everything she is saying is actually about insecurities/anxieties she feels about herself.

I say this as a person who lashed out to my mom and lashes out to my DH, but am aware of my patterns and trying to fix. It’s hard because I feel like I literally can’t deal with the feeling of failure.

Now, it’s isnt fair to my DH or to you that this happens. And so it’s best to not continue to the conversation. Validate her actual feelings, but don’t let yourself get beat up. Your mom does love you and doesn’t want to hurt you. She’s struggling and doesn’t have the skills to stop her.

Hope that helps.

[Anonymous]

I do family therapy with my mom. She has a copay of $16 (I think) through Medicare and they call me at work. Ostensibly to help me deal with my emotional issues. But it's a great way to get Mom to a therapist, which she would otherwise be too proud to do, and she gets a lot of emotional support there. Her therapist is a woman around my age. My individual therapist is a woman nearly her age. Kind of like avatars for each other. This all began two years ago when my youngest child had severe medical issues that ruined my relationship with my parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The thing is you mom is struggling and lashing out. Is it fair? No. But it’s not personal. Everything she is saying is actually about insecurities/anxieties she feels about herself.

I say this as a person who lashed out to my mom and lashes out to my DH, but am aware of my patterns and trying to fix. It’s hard because I feel like I literally can’t deal with the feeling of failure.

Now, it’s isnt fair to my DH or to you that this happens. And so it’s best to not continue to the conversation. Validate her actual feelings, but don’t let yourself get beat up. Your mom does love you and doesn’t want to hurt you. She’s struggling and doesn’t have the skills to stop her.

Hope that helps.

The problem is that OP’s dad situation affects them both. OP, like her mom, deserves empathy, but mom is piling her stress onto a likewise-suffering OP.

[Anonymous]

I learned to say “wow, that’s mean” to my Mom who feels it’s her job to make me a “better” person by pointing out all the ways I’m not what she wants me to be.

[Anonymous]

OP Said mom said:
"I’m cold. I’m uncaring. I’m unsympathetic. She told me I’m “not so smart after all” because I can’t decipher the medical journal snippet his doctor gave her. "

My mom said those (nearly) exact words and there was no ill dad. I am a doctor and she was being a mentally ill horror. I cut contact. She occasionally sends hateful texts and voice mail messages from burner phones. My bothers and I share those numbers and immediately block them. My husband screens my mail because yes, she sent me a death threat once. (or something like you deserve to be dead). I wish you inner peace and somebody to talk to. Family might be perfectly helpful. Mine always ...dismiss her as crazy but harmless. I know she would harm me if she could (career or physically).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Said mom said:
"I’m cold. I’m uncaring. I’m unsympathetic. She told me I’m “not so smart after all” because I can’t decipher the medical journal snippet his doctor gave her. "

My mom said those (nearly) exact words and there was no ill dad. I am a doctor and she was being a mentally ill horror. I cut contact. She occasionally sends hateful texts and voice mail messages from burner phones. My bothers and I share those numbers and immediately block them. My husband screens my mail because yes, she sent me a death threat once. (or something like you deserve to be dead). I wish you inner peace and somebody to talk to. Family might be perfectly helpful. Mine always ...dismiss her as crazy but harmless. I know she would harm me if she could (career or physically).

You need to document and get a restraining order.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm really sorry about your dad and what your mom put you through.

I had been on the receiving end of some very nasty comments from my parents. The difference is that they lash out when they're the ones facing a difficult diagnosis, not when they were the caregivers. It's a lot more common for terminally ill people to take their anger and frustrations on loved ones, but I guess the stress of your dad's illness is making your mom go crazy too. Is this out of character for her? If so try to think of it as an aberration during extreme duress. If this is par for the course of her, then you have no choice but to distant yourself--she's toxic.

[Anonymous]

Has she always made vicious comments? My guess is yes. Draw some hardcore, and unloveable boundaries. She will likely adjust her behavior in response. Tell her you’re not up for it, and hang up on her when she starts this BS. A response that you think will cause a shitstorm is necessary here.

[Anonymous]

Unmovable, not unlovable.