Is this teasing or bullying? Strategies?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It used to be middle school crush behavior. Watch old movies and TV shows. Dip her hair in the ink well, take his hat and run away etc.

Could be one of the boys likes her and is trying to get her attention.

It used to be acceptable. Now it's not. That's progress.

[Anonymous]

I have a 6th grade daughter, and if she were the one being bullied, I think our first step would be to have her make an appointment with her counselor. School systems these days have a lot of procedures in place to deal with bullying (if only for liability reasons), and if the school is really making the effort, the counselor will activate those plans right away.

That way, she'd be empowered to take positive action on her own, and she'd be able to talk to the counselor about her own feelings and reactions to the bullying. (I know my husband and I would probably both get so worked up we'd wind up dominating the conversation!)

If the counselor downplayed the bullying, or the school's actions didn't solve the problem, then I'd step in and raise hell. First mention of "Well, one of them probably just has a crush on you," and I'd be down there so fast it would make your head spin.

If it were something more physically endangering, I'd personally call the school right away, of course. But for repeated teasing like this, stuff that's emotionally but not physically hurtful, I think I'd let my daughter try to talk with the counselor on her own to start with (assuming she was comfortable with that). It's hard to know whether involving parents will make things worse in a situation like this, so I'd probably err on the side of caution at first.

[Anonymous]

She needs to take a martial art... perhaps Jui Jitsu.

Bullying... no, teasing, yes...

She needs to learn how to stand up for herself.

I would call the counselor and have her/him research to see what is going on.. why is she an easy target. Where are her friends when this happens?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She needs to take a martial art... perhaps Jui Jitsu.

Bullying... no, teasing, yes...

She needs to learn how to stand up for herself.

I would call the counselor and have her/him research to see what is going on.. why is she an easy target. Where are her friends when this happens?

OP already posted that she takes a martial art and has for 4 years. My ods had taken many years of tkd and judo, it really didn't matter to bullies. In the martial arts training it is DRILLED in to them to not use it unless they are in danger. School bullies don't really count for that and my kid would have been suspended if he had taken down the bully who had only punched him.

All of this is really coming across as blaming the victim for being different or being sensitive or being a shy, awkward middle schooler. NO!!!

Those kids know they are being jerks, and the school needs to handle it.

[Anonymous]

My DD had trouble knowing how to respond in the moment. Could that be part of your DD's issue, OP?

Since she's practicing a martial art, she must have an authoritative, powerful voice she can call on. She needs to learn to deploy it to her benefit against her peers. Practice with her at home. That's what I did with my daughter. It felt goofy, but role play helped her practice doing the thing. You take her pencil from her. Have her say, strongly and forcefully "Stop It. That is my pencil. Give it back." or something similar. And then practice what if you don't give it back. Have her counting to 3 in her head, and then immediately going to the teacher or calling for the teacher's attention, whatever is appropriate in her school. She needs to learn to not be passive, not just when she's personally threatened, but also when someone is mistreating her.

Reinforce to her that she's doing nothing wrong, but that there are people who will be mean because they think it's funny. At that point, we need to stand up for ourselves as strongly as we would stand up for another child who was being taunted (I bet your DD would stand up for another kid, wouldn't she? Mine would, and had, but had trouble standing up for herself). It is not ok to let people treat us badly, we deserve to be treated with consideration and respect, and when someone's too clueless to do it naturally, it's appropriate to demand it.

[Anonymous]

I would tell my daughter that she’s allowed to do her karate on these boys. Even if she doesn’t, it may give her some confidence if she thinks she can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:6th grade daughter comes home every day complaining about boys picking on her. They play keep-away with her sweatshirt. They make fun of her appearance. Last week one snatched a pencil from her and threw it out the window and today a different one mocked her for getting upset about it (she's a cryer - we're working on resilience.)

It doesn't seem practical to complain to a teacher for any individual incident. How do you address this kind of thing and not get branded a snitch? Not that I have a problem with snitching in principle, but it's not a life skill, you know?

Thanks for sharing experiences.

I'm so sorry, OP. What a bunch of jerks! Don't know what to do, I guess start w/ school counselor, so they are on alert about these boys? Maybe bullying report as PP suggested. Just wanted to say I'm sorry. Also, I and my DDs are all cryers. I hear you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs to take a martial art... perhaps Jui Jitsu.

Bullying... no, teasing, yes...

She needs to learn how to stand up for herself.

I would call the counselor and have her/him research to see what is going on.. why is she an easy target. Where are her friends when this happens?

OP already posted that she takes a martial art and has for 4 years. My ods had taken many years of tkd and judo, it really didn't matter to bullies. In the martial arts training it is DRILLED in to them to not use it unless they are in danger. School bullies don't really count for that and my kid would have been suspended if he had taken down the bully who had only punched him.

All of this is really coming across as blaming the victim for being different or being sensitive or being a shy, awkward middle schooler. NO!!!

Those kids know they are being jerks, and the school needs to handle it.

You should try jui jitsu, it isn't to teach you to fight bullies, if you think it is then your marital art is not doing it's job.

You can't control other, this is not victim blaming. People suck, they do in middle school, college roommates, bosses. Yes, you need to be less sensitive.

BTW, if my kids get suspended for hitting a bully I would not care 1 iota, nor should you. It's like getting arrested at a sit in for what you believe in.

Where are her friends, btw?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs to take a martial art... perhaps Jui Jitsu.

Bullying... no, teasing, yes...

She needs to learn how to stand up for herself.

I would call the counselor and have her/him research to see what is going on.. why is she an easy target. Where are her friends when this happens?

OP already posted that she takes a martial art and has for 4 years. My ods had taken many years of tkd and judo, it really didn't matter to bullies. In the martial arts training it is DRILLED in to them to not use it unless they are in danger. School bullies don't really count for that and my kid would have been suspended if he had taken down the bully who had only punched him.

All of this is really coming across as blaming the victim for being different or being sensitive or being a shy, awkward middle schooler. NO!!!

Those kids know they are being jerks, and the school needs to handle it.

You should try jui jitsu, it isn't to teach you to fight bullies, if you think it is then your marital art is not doing it's job.

You can't control other, this is not victim blaming. People suck, they do in middle school, college roommates, bosses. Yes, you need to be less sensitive.

BTW, if my kids get suspended for hitting a bully I would not care 1 iota, nor should you. It's like getting arrested at a sit in for what you believe in.

Where are her friends, btw?

Juijitsu is very similar to judo but has joint locks and less bringing opponents down because it is more of the ground wrestling that judo has. We are familiar with the different martial arts but thank you. You are missing the point - my child should not be taking someone to the ground - particularly not on concrete when he is not afraid for his safety. He could have caused a serious head injury to the other kid. That is not responsible, and frankly, he shouldn't HAVE to be physically defending himself at school. It is the school's job to make sure that school is a safe place.

Her dd is already in martial arts. Having the school take discipline and school climate seriously will help her dd with her confidence. Middle school is hard enough with out her having to physically defend herself and her belongings. Her dd will grow in to her confidence but OP is doing what she can to support that outside of school with the martial arts that her dd does and enjoys.

The responsibility for this situation lies on the misbehavior of the other kids and the blind eye/lack of supervision that the school is allowing, and an overly tolerant school climate where the kids think it is okay to get away with treating someone badly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD had trouble knowing how to respond in the moment. Could that be part of your DD's issue, OP?

Since she's practicing a martial art, she must have an authoritative, powerful voice she can call on. She needs to learn to deploy it to her benefit against her peers. Practice with her at home. That's what I did with my daughter. It felt goofy, but role play helped her practice doing the thing. You take her pencil from her. Have her say, strongly and forcefully "Stop It. That is my pencil. Give it back." or something similar. And then practice what if you don't give it back. Have her counting to 3 in her head, and then immediately going to the teacher or calling for the teacher's attention, whatever is appropriate in her school. She needs to learn to not be passive, not just when she's personally threatened, but also when someone is mistreating her.

Reinforce to her that she's doing nothing wrong, but that there are people who will be mean because they think it's funny. At that point, we need to stand up for ourselves as strongly as we would stand up for another child who was being taunted ( bet your DD would stand up for another kid, wouldn't she? Mine would, and had, but had trouble standing up for herself). It is not ok to let people treat us badly, we deserve to be treated with consideration and respect, and when someone's too clueless to do it naturally, it's appropriate to demand it.

Lots of good thoughts here and in other posts, thank you.

The bit in bold is spot on. She's mouthy and has a strong sense of justice, so she often steps into confrontations. But she's a wreck if it's a personal attack. Which is funny because I'm exactly the same way.

I'll ask about her friends. And I might also mention to her karate instructor-- a *very* assertive older woman whom my daughter worships-- that she is having this issue. Martial arts theory normally includes some conflict deescalation training.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD had trouble knowing how to respond in the moment. Could that be part of your DD's issue, OP?

Since she's practicing a martial art, she must have an authoritative, powerful voice she can call on. She needs to learn to deploy it to her benefit against her peers. Practice with her at home. That's what I did with my daughter. It felt goofy, but role play helped her practice doing the thing. You take her pencil from her. Have her say, strongly and forcefully "Stop It. That is my pencil. Give it back." or something similar. And then practice what if you don't give it back. Have her counting to 3 in her head, and then immediately going to the teacher or calling for the teacher's attention, whatever is appropriate in her school. She needs to learn to not be passive, not just when she's personally threatened, but also when someone is mistreating her.

Reinforce to her that she's doing nothing wrong, but that there are people who will be mean because they think it's funny. At that point, we need to stand up for ourselves as strongly as we would stand up for another child who was being taunted ( bet your DD would stand up for another kid, wouldn't she? Mine would, and had, but had trouble standing up for herself). It is not ok to let people treat us badly, we deserve to be treated with consideration and respect, and when someone's too clueless to do it naturally, it's appropriate to demand it.

Lots of good thoughts here and in other posts, thank you.

The bit in bold is spot on. She's mouthy and has a strong sense of justice, so she often steps into confrontations. But she's a wreck if it's a personal attack. Which is funny because I'm exactly the same way.

I'll ask about her friends. And I might also mention to her karate instructor-- a *very* assertive older woman whom my daughter worships-- that she is having this issue. Martial arts theory normally includes some conflict deescalation training.

I am the cryer PP w/ the cryer DDs above, and your kid sounds so much like mine! She can be mouthy and get into a situation, but it is usually about the justice of it, or she is sticking up for a friend. Kindred spirits. Love to your daughter (& secretly wishing she would karate-chop those boys Miss Piggy style, though I know that is not the idea behind martial arts)!

[Anonymous]

If people really rely on the schools to handle things, you are fooling themselves. They have the most tolerance out of all parties involved because they try to appease all sides. The OP needs to report it so it’s on record. She needs to have her DD learn coping mechanisms and sticking up for herself. The latter will help her in her whole life as she will meet people like these jerks throughout her life. Standby her side and force the school to address it. Wish we could do old school and just tell a kid to f-off without repricussions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs to take a martial art... perhaps Jui Jitsu.

Bullying... no, teasing, yes...

She needs to learn how to stand up for herself.

I would call the counselor and have her/him research to see what is going on.. why is she an easy target. Where are her friends when this happens?

OP already posted that she takes a martial art and has for 4 years. My ods had taken many years of tkd and judo, it really didn't matter to bullies. In the martial arts training it is DRILLED in to them to not use it unless they are in danger. School bullies don't really count for that and my kid would have been suspended if he had taken down the bully who had only punched him.

All of this is really coming across as blaming the victim for being different or being sensitive or being a shy, awkward middle schooler. NO!!!

Those kids know they are being jerks, and the school needs to handle it.

You should try jui jitsu, it isn't to teach you to fight bullies, if you think it is then your marital art is not doing it's job.

You can't control other, this is not victim blaming. People suck, they do in middle school, college roommates, bosses. Yes, you need to be less sensitive.

BTW, if my kids get suspended for hitting a bully I would not care 1 iota, nor should you. It's like getting arrested at a sit in for what you believe in.

Where are her friends, btw?

Juijitsu is very similar to judo but has joint locks and less bringing opponents down because it is more of the ground wrestling that judo has. We are familiar with the different martial arts but thank you. You are missing the point - my child should not be taking someone to the ground - particularly not on concrete when he is not afraid for his safety. He could have caused a serious head injury to the other kid. That is not responsible, and frankly, he shouldn't HAVE to be physically defending himself at school. It is the school's job to make sure that school is a safe place.

Her dd is already in martial arts. Having the school take discipline and school climate seriously will help her dd with her confidence. Middle school is hard enough with out her having to physically defend herself and her belongings. Her dd will grow in to her confidence but OP is doing what she can to support that outside of school with the martial arts that her dd does and enjoys.

The responsibility for this situation lies on the misbehavior of the other kids and the blind eye/lack of supervision that the school is allowing, and an overly tolerant school climate where the kids think it is okay to get away with treating someone badly.

You are missing the point. Every martial art should also teach kids how to walk away and not be so hurt by other people's words.

These boys are grabbing her belonging which does not constitute fighting back .... she should tell the teacher.

But this is not bullying this is teasing and she really needs to get a tougher skin. Again...where are her friends? does she have friends? if not there is a bigger problem than some boys teasing her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Again...where are her friends? does she have friends? if not there is a bigger problem than some boys teasing her.

She's the one in the group who stands up for others, not the one who gets stood up for. Her friends are sweet shy girls and it looks to me as if my daughter is the one calling the shots much of the time. I suspect that's why she's getting the negative attention from the boys. Plus, she is a bit of a clown, so she stands out. She has a strong sense of self, but she's only 11 and still a little girl in many ways.

Agreed that she needs to stand up for herself and develop a thicker skin. If you know how to actually DO that, patent your method immediately.

[Anonymous]

Any school would consider this bullying because this is happening to the OP's DD every day.

Speaking up for herself is great, but it isn't even remotely the only thing that needs to happen here.

Putting all the emphasis on empowering the dd to speak up for herself is not the answer.

All it does is let kids grow up to be like this guy: https://www.washingtonpost.com/education/2018/12/11/accused-rape-former-frat-president-gets-no-jail-time-after-plea-deal-da/?utm_term=.b953905c4adb