Is this teasing or bullying? Strategies?

[Anonymous]

I was bullied by boys in middle school. It sucks. I honestly wished every day I could go to a new school and start over. Eventually it stopped when I ended up in the smarter classes and the bullies were no longer in my classes.

It is better today -- the school counselors are often very helpful. I would talk to the counselor in confidence and then tell DD that you talked to the counselor. They have a way of dealing with things that help both the student deal with these situations different than a parent. They also make the teachers aware. Sometimes the call in the offenders talk with them so they understand what they are doing is wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this the same group of boys doing this over and over? It sounds like bullying to me, I'd talk to the school counselor.

It's the boys she's been with since kindergarten, not anyone coming from the other elementaries. And to complicate matters, she was in a small elementary school with a relatively tightly knit parent group. Do I reach out to these boys' parents? One of the worst offenders is the son of a couple we used to socialize with. We sort of drifted apart but I'd still call them friends.

If you feel comfortable reaching out to the parents, I would do that. I had to with an incident with my son. Unfortunately it kind of ended our relationship with the parents as friends, now it just a casual hello. The dad was pretty understanding, but the mom was really hurt. I don't regret it, her son was a real pain in my son's life.

[Anonymous]

This kind of boy on girls teasing is common in 6th but it sounds like it has more than tipped over into bullying since its on going. Unfortunately she gave them a reaction that they were looking for (crying) and so they have escalated. It is a familiar pattern with kids this age.

Do not approach the other parents. No matter how well you phrase it they are bound to feel at least a bit defensive and, if they even believe you/her, any scolding or punishment they may mete out will boomerang on her in some fashion. Best case scenario, he will tell the other boys that she got him in trouble. Its not an effective path.

My kids have always gone to privates and are now both in high school. I would have gone to the teacher in lower grades, the advisor or school counselor in middle school. And if it were especially egregious, I would (and did once) go to the head of the division (lower or middle school). I say start closer to the kids and move it up the chain if things don't improve. Be calm and direct but make it clear she has been dealing with this on her on for some time. Its too much for her.

AS for our DD, doesn't she have girl friends who can help her? to tell the boys they are "horrible" or "gross" or something? Often at this age, the girls are able to put boys who are being mean in their place by moving/acting as a group on behalf of all the girls. I f not, she needs to learn to either walk away calmly and ignore them, or wipe the floor with them as you say. Boys that age are wayyyyy more afraid of a mean girl who confronts them than even another boy. One time and they will leave her alone.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PP that counseled she should just walk away. For some reason that doesn't occur to kids caught in this situation. If it were me, I'd suggest she flip them off on her way out the door.

[Anonymous]

I don't think I'd talk to parents, but would talk to school. If you talk to parents, they will talk to their kids and the kids will know that she tattled and it could get worse.

If you talk to the school, the teachers can be on the look-out for the behavior and intervene as it is happening-- the kids wouldn't necessarily know she reported it. And even if they do know, reporting to the teacher would make her seem 'stronger' than reporting it to mommy.

Also, I wonder if she would be able to hold her composure long enough to say something strong and walk out the classroom door... and then maybe to the bathroom to cry if she needs to. (?) (This has the added advantage that it would bring it to the teacher's attention without actually tattling...)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this the same group of boys doing this over and over? It sounds like bullying to me, I'd talk to the school counselor.

It's the boys she's been with since kindergarten, not anyone coming from the other elementaries. And to complicate matters, she was in a small elementary school with a relatively tightly knit parent group. Do I reach out to these boys' parents? One of the worst offenders is the son of a couple we used to socialize with. We sort of drifted apart but I'd still call them friends.

If you feel comfortable reaching out to the parents, I would do that. I had to with an incident with my son. Unfortunately it kind of ended our relationship with the parents as friends, now it just a casual hello. The dad was pretty understanding, but the mom was really hurt. I don't regret it, her son was a real pain in my son's life.

I would go to the school. What if they don't react well then you would make it a bigger thing by going to the school after you talk to them. Also those parents will talk. Some will become defensive. It won't work out well. A parent once "reached out" about something she thought happened with a group of children. She was incorrect with some facts and the parents thought she was incorrect with others although she wasn't, and believe me some of the other parents were really defensive and upset about the false accusations.

[Anonymous]

Bullying

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She needs to toughen up. This kind of stuff happened all the time. I’d be mortified if mommy had to call the school for me.

Oh HI!

Your kids are bullies and and you're the useless parent.

I'd be mortified if someone's parent had to call the school because I was raising an ass.

[Anonymous]

What does your DD want you to do? Did she ask you to do anything or have you had enough? Definitely report to the school in writing. My DS had issues with friends in 5th grade who turned into bullies. The school was useless and made things worse so I kept going up the chain until they knew I wasn’t letting it go. I tried talking to the parents since the kids were good friends. Then I learned not everyone parents like I do and some are heavily in denial of what their angels are really like. It was a tough time for my DS but in the end he saw me and my dad fully had his back. He is confident we are there for him and this helped his confidence. He learned some life lessons too (keep your friend group large, some people can’t say sorry and just be you). Things turned around. No matter what your approach, keep communication open with your DD and make sure she knows you’re behind her. Good luck. It’s stressful and heartbreaking to go through.

[Anonymous]

OP are you in a public middle school? Or private? I would call start with calling the school. At the middle school I worked at, the correct person to handle it was the vice principal. The counselors would work on reconciling. At the school I worked at, there were not really incidents of this kind of bullying - lots of OTHER incidents, but not a group of boys harassing a girl like this. My friend's dd was at a middle school where stuff like this happened to her dd. She had to pretty much raise hell because that school did not have good procedures for handling it.

If I were you, I would 1) DO NOT CONTACT ANOTHER PARENT 2) Call the school and ask the school secretary which administrator handles bulllying. They will be able to tell you who it is, their name and their email address, and let you leave vm for them. Your dd is being continually targeted by a group of boys from her old school (this doesn't surprise me, BTW) 3) put everything in to writing in to an email, any names she has told you, when these things have happened (between classes, during classes, etc). If your dd says any kids were witnesses, include their names. Your dd is not feeling safe at school. Ask them to speak with your dd. (At the school I worked out, the school policy is to ask the students to provide a written statement of what has happened and how it is affecting them. There is a form for it or kids can do their own. If the school has this process, they will still ask your dd to write it but you should give as much info as you can in writing in yours. 4) for your dd, she may not want you to do this. This is one of those times when you need to do it anyway. She needs to be safe and feel safe at school. If she is not feeling safe then she is not learning. 5) expect that they will interview the kids, talk to the teachers etc to investigate.

Schools have strong policies for this and take it seriously now. Your dd should NOT be terrorized at school. I would hope that the school will handle this well. This is what they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP are you in a public middle school? Or private? I would call start with calling the school. At the middle school I worked at, the correct person to handle it was the vice principal. The counselors would work on reconciling. At the school I worked at, there were not really incidents of this kind of bullying - lots of OTHER incidents, but not a group of boys harassing a girl like this. My friend's dd was at a middle school where stuff like this happened to her dd. She had to pretty much raise hell because that school did not have good procedures for handling it.

If I were you, I would 1) DO NOT CONTACT ANOTHER PARENT 2) Call the school and ask the school secretary which administrator handles bulllying. They will be able to tell you who it is, their name and their email address, and let you leave vm for them. Your dd is being continually targeted by a group of boys from her old school (this doesn't surprise me, BTW) 3) put everything in to writing in to an email, any names she has told you, when these things have happened (between classes, during classes, etc). If your dd says any kids were witnesses, include their names. Your dd is not feeling safe at school. Ask them to speak with your dd. (At the school I worked out, the school policy is to ask the students to provide a written statement of what has happened and how it is affecting them. There is a form for it or kids can do their own. If the school has this process, they will still ask your dd to write it but you should give as much info as you can in writing in yours. 4) for your dd, she may not want you to do this. This is one of those times when you need to do it anyway. She needs to be safe and feel safe at school. If she is not feeling safe then she is not learning. 5) expect that they will interview the kids, talk to the teachers etc to investigate.

Schools have strong policies for this and take it seriously now. Your dd should NOT be terrorized at school. I would hope that the school will handle this well. This is what they do.

To be clear, the counselors handled when kids weren't getting along. This is a discipline issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:6th grade daughter comes home every day complaining about boys picking on her. They play keep-away with her sweatshirt. They make fun of her appearance. Last week one snatched a pencil from her and threw it out the window and today a different one mocked her for getting upset about it (she's a cryer - we're working on resilience.)

It doesn't seem practical to complain to a teacher for any individual incident. How do you address this kind of thing and not get branded a snitch? Not that I have a problem with snitching in principle, but it's not a life skill, you know?

Thanks for sharing experiences.

Also to be clear:
Speaking up because her clothing or school supplies are being grabbed and thrown around or out the window IS NOT BEING A SNITCH.

It is saying that this behavior is unacceptable. Because it IS unacceptable.

Think about it this way. If these kids really have not learned that they shouldn't treat other people this way and that is okay to do this, they are going to end up in a whole heap of legal trouble within a few years. Their careers will be ruined. School is where kids learn how to behave with their peers in society. If they don't stay on the right side of the line with keeping their hands to themselves, or not stealing people's stuff (especially a girl's), you are talking about kids who will try out groping girls OR MUCH WORSE by 8th grade and in high school.

[Anonymous]

It used to be middle school crush behavior. Watch old movies and TV shows. Dip her hair in the ink well, take his hat and run away etc.

Could be one of the boys likes her and is trying to get her attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It used to be middle school crush behavior. Watch old movies and TV shows. Dip her hair in the ink well, take his hat and run away etc.

Could be one of the boys likes her and is trying to get her attention.

Sure. Girls were taught it was their responsibility to deal with boys' misbehavior. Girls were told "they just have a crush on you" so you know, it shouldn't bother them that they were taking their belongings, grabbing their stuff and taunting them. And the message boys got was that they didn't have to be responsible for their own behavior.

It wasn't about crushes, it was about power. Those boys got away with tormenting any kid (boy or girl) with less power. And it landed us right in to the mess we are now where high school athletes are on the news for sodomizing their teammates during hazing and girls who are raped and speak out about it are shunned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd say it's bullying.

But honestly, if your 6th grader is crying at school then I can see why she's getting bullied. Not that it should be that way, of course. But you can't show these people weakness. I used to get bullied at that age and it would have been so, so much worse if I'd been crying about it.

You need to work harder on that with her or it won't stop.

Yes - teach her to give these boys a good swift kick instead of crying, see how that goes over.