Concern over person’s anger at petty stuff even if legit reason to be angry in life generally?

[Anonymous]

Huge red flag. Is the baby their baby together? If not, cousin should dump him. You marry into a family, not cause drama in it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why weren't you and your cousin helping out?

I tutor the elementary school age kids of new immigrant families at my church two Saturdays a month while the parents take basic English lessons. My cousin was watching her eight month old baby away from dust, chemicals, and the cold air.

Given your cousin doesn't work, maybe the fiance could've used the Saturday to spend with his child, and your cousin could've helped her mother caulk doors.

If he wanted to do that, he could have. She might have appreciated the break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Huge red flag. Is the baby their baby together? If not, cousin should dump him. You marry into a family, not cause drama in it.

Yes. She’s only three years older, but seems a life time more mature than him. They were together only about six weeks before whoops! baby. Raising the baby and getting married is his idea. I think he wants to be a good husband and father, but he needs a lot of emotional work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why isn’t MIL PAYING To have her home winterized? It sounds like it was a much bigger job then taking down some screens. If she can not take care of her house, she needs to move to a condo or apartment where EVERY male in the family is not REQUIRED to give up their Saturday to help her.

She is in a tough place financially right now as a result of a job loss. At 55, it is hard to find full time work. She’s working two PT retail positions. Even the Taskrabbit quotes for the work yesterday were going to be a stretch. The house is paid off and she’s lived there her whole life in a safe and supportive neighborhood. She could reasonably age in place there for twenty years and leave the house to her daughter.

No one was required to help out. “Ben” could have refused at the outset. Instead, he said yes, accomplished basically nothing, threw a teenaged tantrum, and left early. DH and the other men finished easily and had a nice beer afterwards. It could have been a good bonding experience for “Ben” who seems to feel like an outsider still after almost two years. Based on a PP, I think that maybe “Ben” doesn’t know how to do some household repairs like caulking and was embarrassed. Like a teen, he thought it saved face to call these tasks stupid rather than ask for or accept help. I think life is hard enough without closing off yourself to help or learning from others.

What is wrong with MIL that she can't caulk her own windows or at least work beside the menfolk and learn how to do it? Seriously, I thought you were talking about an old woman. 55 is middle aged!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why isn’t MIL PAYING To have her home winterized? It sounds like it was a much bigger job then taking down some screens. If she can not take care of her house, she needs to move to a condo or apartment where EVERY male in the family is not REQUIRED to give up their Saturday to help her.

She is in a tough place financially right now as a result of a job loss. At 55, it is hard to find full time work. She’s working two PT retail positions. Even the Taskrabbit quotes for the work yesterday were going to be a stretch. The house is paid off and she’s lived there her whole life in a safe and supportive neighborhood. She could reasonably age in place there for twenty years and leave the house to her daughter.

No one was required to help out. “Ben” could have refused at the outset. Instead, he said yes, accomplished basically nothing, threw a teenaged tantrum, and left early. DH and the other men finished easily and had a nice beer afterwards. It could have been a good bonding experience for “Ben” who seems to feel like an outsider still after almost two years. Based on a PP, I think that maybe “Ben” doesn’t know how to do some household repairs like caulking and was embarrassed. Like a teen, he thought it saved face to call these tasks stupid rather than ask for or accept help. I think life is hard enough without closing off yourself to help or learning from others.

What is wrong with MIL that she can't caulk her own windows or at least work beside the menfolk and learn how to do it? Seriously, I thought you were talking about an old woman. 55 is middle aged!

How many people do you know who are 110?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why isn’t MIL PAYING To have her home winterized? It sounds like it was a much bigger job then taking down some screens. If she can not take care of her house, she needs to move to a condo or apartment where EVERY male in the family is not REQUIRED to give up their Saturday to help her.

She is in a tough place financially right now as a result of a job loss. At 55, it is hard to find full time work. She’s working two PT retail positions. Even the Taskrabbit quotes for the work yesterday were going to be a stretch. The house is paid off and she’s lived there her whole life in a safe and supportive neighborhood. She could reasonably age in place there for twenty years and leave the house to her daughter.

No one was required to help out. “Ben” could have refused at the outset. Instead, he said yes, accomplished basically nothing, threw a teenaged tantrum, and left early. DH and the other men finished easily and had a nice beer afterwards. It could have been a good bonding experience for “Ben” who seems to feel like an outsider still after almost two years. Based on a PP, I think that maybe “Ben” doesn’t know how to do some household repairs like caulking and was embarrassed. Like a teen, he thought it saved face to call these tasks stupid rather than ask for or accept help. I think life is hard enough without closing off yourself to help or learning from others.

What is wrong with MIL that she can't caulk her own windows or at least work beside the menfolk and learn how to do it? Seriously, I thought you were talking about an old woman. 55 is middle aged!

She has helped with repairs. Caulking was a tiny bit of what was needed. A lot of it required two sets of hands or brute strength she doesn’t have. She also works all day on Saturday going from job A to job B. With the temperature drop, her nephew thought it was better to assemble a small crew to get it all done in 3-4 hours than work on it bit by bit over the next couple months.

I’m really shocked at how many people feel it is wrong to ask a 23 year old future family member to help out on a Saturday morning. I was raised very differently I guess. However, I see lots of families and even friends getting together so that many hands make light work. I guess having lots of money makes it possible to just hire someone when you need it, but how do you worry only about yourself? Is everyone you know wealthy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think anyone needed to go search for him, but my cousin was worried because he didn’t answer her calls. He did come home. Says he just drove around and doesn’t want to talk.

He actually didn’t finish the few tasks he was asked to do. Yes, it sucks to give up a rain free Saturday, but why wouldn’t you want your child’s grandmother to have a warm, safe home as the weather gets colder. Even if your child never goes over there, your partner would be worried about her mom, right?

I don’t think “Ben” has an anger issue so much as a not knowing how to be in a functioning family issue. He thinks offers of help are just a way to obligate him to pay it back with future favors. The result is that his life is much more stressful since he has taken on the task of trying to support three people himself. My cousin could work, but he doesn’t want the baby in daycare.

I’m just worried labeling him with an anger issue will isolate him more. He’s never been violent, just immature. And I think he would benefit from individual therapy to work out issues from his younger years.

It sounds as though he has an awful lot on his plate for a 23 year old. He is working and supporting both his baby and his soon to be wife. He was probably feeling resentful having to spend the better part of his day off helping to fix an older relative's house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why isn’t MIL PAYING To have her home winterized? It sounds like it was a much bigger job then taking down some screens. If she can not take care of her house, she needs to move to a condo or apartment where EVERY male in the family is not REQUIRED to give up their Saturday to help her.

She is in a tough place financially right now as a result of a job loss. At 55, it is hard to find full time work. She’s working two PT retail positions. Even the Taskrabbit quotes for the work yesterday were going to be a stretch. The house is paid off and she’s lived there her whole life in a safe and supportive neighborhood. She could reasonably age in place there for twenty years and leave the house to her daughter.

No one was required to help out. “Ben” could have refused at the outset. Instead, he said yes, accomplished basically nothing, threw a teenaged tantrum, and left early. DH and the other men finished easily and had a nice beer afterwards. It could have been a good bonding experience for “Ben” who seems to feel like an outsider still after almost two years. Based on a PP, I think that maybe “Ben” doesn’t know how to do some household repairs like caulking and was embarrassed. Like a teen, he thought it saved face to call these tasks stupid rather than ask for or accept help. I think life is hard enough without closing off yourself to help or learning from others.

What is wrong with MIL that she can't caulk her own windows or at least work beside the menfolk and learn how to do it? Seriously, I thought you were talking about an old woman. 55 is middle aged!

She has helped with repairs. Caulking was a tiny bit of what was needed. A lot of it required two sets of hands or brute strength she doesn’t have. She also works all day on Saturday going from job A to job B. With the temperature drop, her nephew thought it was better to assemble a small crew to get it all done in 3-4 hours than work on it bit by bit over the next couple months.

I’m really shocked at how many people feel it is wrong to ask a 23 year old future family member to help out on a Saturday morning. I was raised very differently I guess. However, I see lots of families and even friends getting together so that many hands make light work. I guess having lots of money makes it possible to just hire someone when you need it, but how do you worry only about yourself? Is everyone you know wealthy?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with *asking* a soon to be member of the family to help out. But this sounds like more like an order/expectation.

[Anonymous]

It wasn't like a tree fell on this woman's house, it was long deferred maintenance and when the weather turned cool, the nephew decided to hurry up and get the house fixed up. That was very sweet of him and it was wonderful of the other guys to show up and help out. They did a good deed.

But I don't think it's fair to blame the fiance for feeling resentful that his Saturday was planned for him like that w/o even discussing it with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It wasn't like a tree fell on this woman's house, it was long deferred maintenance and when the weather turned cool, the nephew decided to hurry up and get the house fixed up. That was very sweet of him and it was wonderful of the other guys to show up and help out. They did a good deed.

But I don't think it's fair to blame the fiance for feeling resentful that his Saturday was planned for him like that w/o even discussing it with him.

I don’t blame him for not liking it. I even said that in a much earlier post. I’m concerned that he rudely refused assistance in completing what he said he’d do and then stormed off. I’m actually less critical that DH is. He points out that I wasn’t there and didn’t see the shirking, cursing, and all. Takes a lot to impress DH who works with teens as a teacher and coach. My male cousin is only four years older than “Ben” and even he told me it was an out of proportion reaction to DH’s offer to buy beer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why isn’t MIL PAYING To have her home winterized? It sounds like it was a much bigger job then taking down some screens. If she can not take care of her house, she needs to move to a condo or apartment where EVERY male in the family is not REQUIRED to give up their Saturday to help her.

She is in a tough place financially right now as a result of a job loss. At 55, it is hard to find full time work. She’s working two PT retail positions. Even the Taskrabbit quotes for the work yesterday were going to be a stretch. The house is paid off and she’s lived there her whole life in a safe and supportive neighborhood. She could reasonably age in place there for twenty years and leave the house to her daughter.

No one was required to help out. “Ben” could have refused at the outset. Instead, he said yes, accomplished basically nothing, threw a teenaged tantrum, and left early. DH and the other men finished easily and had a nice beer afterwards. It could have been a good bonding experience for “Ben” who seems to feel like an outsider still after almost two years. Based on a PP, I think that maybe “Ben” doesn’t know how to do some household repairs like caulking and was embarrassed. Like a teen, he thought it saved face to call these tasks stupid rather than ask for or accept help. I think life is hard enough without closing off yourself to help or learning from others.

Yes, most of the people in DCUMland are rich and hire out work.

What is wrong with MIL that she can't caulk her own windows or at least work beside the menfolk and learn how to do it? Seriously, I thought you were talking about an old woman. 55 is middle aged!

She has helped with repairs. Caulking was a tiny bit of what was needed. A lot of it required two sets of hands or brute strength she doesn’t have. She also works all day on Saturday going from job A to job B. With the temperature drop, her nephew thought it was better to assemble a small crew to get it all done in 3-4 hours than work on it bit by bit over the next couple months.

I’m really shocked at how many people feel it is wrong to ask a 23 year old future family member to help out on a Saturday morning. I was raised very differently I guess. However, I see lots of families and even friends getting together so that many hands make light work. I guess having lots of money makes it possible to just hire someone when you need it, but how do you worry only about yourself? Is everyone you know wealthy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It wasn't like a tree fell on this woman's house, it was long deferred maintenance and when the weather turned cool, the nephew decided to hurry up and get the house fixed up. That was very sweet of him and it was wonderful of the other guys to show up and help out. They did a good deed.

But I don't think it's fair to blame the fiance for feeling resentful that his Saturday was planned for him like that w/o even discussing it with him.

I don’t blame him for not liking it. I even said that in a much earlier post. I’m concerned that he rudely refused assistance in completing what he said he’d do and then stormed off. I’m actually less critical that DH is. He points out that I wasn’t there and didn’t see the shirking, cursing, and all. Takes a lot to impress DH who works with teens as a teacher and coach. My male cousin is only four years older than “Ben” and even he told me it was an out of proportion reaction to DH’s offer to buy beer.

I guess he really, really, really did not want to be there and wasn't going to pretend otherwise. Your husband was nice to offer to take everyone out for beer but the guy just wanted to get outta there and didn't want to spend even more of his day with these guys. He was rude and, yes, he could have and should have been much nicer about it. But maybe he was feeling that saying "No thanks" wasn't going to be enough and he wanted to make it crystal clear that he really, really, really did not want to be there and he really did not want to spend his time afterwards hanging out with the guys and drinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why isn’t MIL PAYING To have her home winterized? It sounds like it was a much bigger job then taking down some screens. If she can not take care of her house, she needs to move to a condo or apartment where EVERY male in the family is not REQUIRED to give up their Saturday to help her.

She is in a tough place financially right now as a result of a job loss. At 55, it is hard to find full time work. She’s working two PT retail positions. Even the Taskrabbit quotes for the work yesterday were going to be a stretch. The house is paid off and she’s lived there her whole life in a safe and supportive neighborhood. She could reasonably age in place there for twenty years and leave the house to her daughter.

No one was required to help out. “Ben” could have refused at the outset. Instead, he said yes, accomplished basically nothing, threw a teenaged tantrum, and left early. DH and the other men finished easily and had a nice beer afterwards. It could have been a good bonding experience for “Ben” who seems to feel like an outsider still after almost two years. Based on a PP, I think that maybe “Ben” doesn’t know how to do some household repairs like caulking and was embarrassed. Like a teen, he thought it saved face to call these tasks stupid rather than ask for or accept help. I think life is hard enough without closing off yourself to help or learning from others.

Yes, most of the people in DCUMland are rich and hire out work.

What is wrong with MIL that she can't caulk her own windows or at least work beside the menfolk and learn how to do it? Seriously, I thought you were talking about an old woman. 55 is middle aged!

She has helped with repairs. Caulking was a tiny bit of what was needed. A lot of it required two sets of hands or brute strength she doesn’t have. She also works all day on Saturday going from job A to job B. With the temperature drop, her nephew thought it was better to assemble a small crew to get it all done in 3-4 hours than work on it bit by bit over the next couple months.

I’m really shocked at how many people feel it is wrong to ask a 23 year old future family member to help out on a Saturday morning. I was raised very differently I guess. However, I see lots of families and even friends getting together so that many hands make light work. I guess having lots of money makes it possible to just hire someone when you need it, but how do you worry only about yourself? Is everyone you know wealthy?

I'm in my 50's and I can not imagine expecting my grown nieces, nephews, cousins and their fiances to drop everything they are doing and come fix my house up. It just wouldn't even dawn on me to expect such a thing.

This lady could have made things easier on herself by staying on top of her own home maintenance. Hiring a handyman to help with repairs while they are relatively minor is such much easier than waiting until things have gotten to be a huge problem. Patch a roof when it first starts leaking, don't wait for the ceiling to be caving in....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why isn’t MIL PAYING To have her home winterized? It sounds like it was a much bigger job then taking down some screens. If she can not take care of her house, she needs to move to a condo or apartment where EVERY male in the family is not REQUIRED to give up their Saturday to help her.

She is in a tough place financially right now as a result of a job loss. At 55, it is hard to find full time work. She’s working two PT retail positions. Even the Taskrabbit quotes for the work yesterday were going to be a stretch. The house is paid off and she’s lived there her whole life in a safe and supportive neighborhood. She could reasonably age in place there for twenty years and leave the house to her daughter.

No one was required to help out. “Ben” could have refused at the outset. Instead, he said yes, accomplished basically nothing, threw a teenaged tantrum, and left early. DH and the other men finished easily and had a nice beer afterwards. It could have been a good bonding experience for “Ben” who seems to feel like an outsider still after almost two years. Based on a PP, I think that maybe “Ben” doesn’t know how to do some household repairs like caulking and was embarrassed. Like a teen, he thought it saved face to call these tasks stupid rather than ask for or accept help. I think life is hard enough without closing off yourself to help or learning from others.

What is wrong with MIL that she can't caulk her own windows or at least work beside the menfolk and learn how to do it? Seriously, I thought you were talking about an old woman. 55 is middle aged!

How many people do you know who are 110?

55 is not elderly. Op has said that the woman works 2 retail jobs which indicates that she is able bodied. I'm close to her age and, while my husband does do the vast majority of maintenance type work, I could absolutely do most of it if I had to. I also do a good amount of yard work, I shovel snow when I need to plus the majority of the housework.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why isn’t MIL PAYING To have her home winterized? It sounds like it was a much bigger job then taking down some screens. If she can not take care of her house, she needs to move to a condo or apartment where EVERY male in the family is not REQUIRED to give up their Saturday to help her.

She is in a tough place financially right now as a result of a job loss. At 55, it is hard to find full time work. She’s working two PT retail positions. Even the Taskrabbit quotes for the work yesterday were going to be a stretch. The house is paid off and she’s lived there her whole life in a safe and supportive neighborhood. She could reasonably age in place there for twenty years and leave the house to her daughter.

No one was required to help out. “Ben” could have refused at the outset. Instead, he said yes, accomplished basically nothing, threw a teenaged tantrum, and left early. DH and the other men finished easily and had a nice beer afterwards. It could have been a good bonding experience for “Ben” who seems to feel like an outsider still after almost two years. Based on a PP, I think that maybe “Ben” doesn’t know how to do some household repairs like caulking and was embarrassed. Like a teen, he thought it saved face to call these tasks stupid rather than ask for or accept help. I think life is hard enough without closing off yourself to help or learning from others.

Yes, most of the people in DCUMland are rich and hire out work.

What is wrong with MIL that she can't caulk her own windows or at least work beside the menfolk and learn how to do it? Seriously, I thought you were talking about an old woman. 55 is middle aged!

She has helped with repairs. Caulking was a tiny bit of what was needed. A lot of it required two sets of hands or brute strength she doesn’t have. She also works all day on Saturday going from job A to job B. With the temperature drop, her nephew thought it was better to assemble a small crew to get it all done in 3-4 hours than work on it bit by bit over the next couple months.

I’m really shocked at how many people feel it is wrong to ask a 23 year old future family member to help out on a Saturday morning. I was raised very differently I guess. However, I see lots of families and even friends getting together so that many hands make light work. I guess having lots of money makes it possible to just hire someone when you need it, but how do you worry only about yourself? Is everyone you know wealthy?

I'm in my 50's and I can not imagine expecting my grown nieces, nephews, cousins and their fiances to drop everything they are doing and come fix my house up. It just wouldn't even dawn on me to expect such a thing.

This lady could have made things easier on herself by staying on top of her own home maintenance. Hiring a handyman to help with repairs while they are relatively minor is such much easier than waiting until things have gotten to be a huge problem. Patch a roof when it first starts leaking, don't wait for the ceiling to be caving in....

I think you missed that she lost her job. Not her fault. Her employer retired and closed. My aunt had worked there since age 26. She’s not in great shape after a life time of standing all day 40 hours a week and probably shouldn’t be on ladders alone even if younger. She hasn’t been able to afford new windows and doors. The roof isn’t leaking yet, but in cleaning the gutters, the missing shingles were detected. The roof stuff was a stitch in time.

I’m happy for you that you have the health, time, and money to spare you needing help from loved ones. Hoping you’ll find compassion for those less fortunate.