Concern over person’s anger at petty stuff even if legit reason to be angry in life generally?

[Anonymous]

DH is probably the easiest person in the world to get along with so I usually take it seriously if he says that someone is rude or has anger issues. That doesn’t happen often, either. He is just that easy going. DH comes back today from helping my aunt with yard work and says he’s worried about my cousin’s fiancé. Fiance “Ben” had a rough upbringing, has been exploited as a young adult by people he trusted, and seems to have nada going right in his life except my cousin and their eight month old. He trusts no one and seems as moody as a 15 year old. “Ben” was angry today that he was asked to volunteer several hours with other men in the family winterizing his future MIL’s home. I guess some of the other men were on him about shirking and complaining. DH offered to take everyone out for beers after, but “Ben” blew up at this suggestion. He said he doesn’t work for beer and left. My cousin has not heard from him for over two hours. She wants DH to help her look. He says no, her fiancé has anger issues. He isn’t physically afraid, but doesn’t think his presence will do anything but set the guy off. I’m fine with that, but I’m not sure it’s fair to be that concerned over a 23 year old being mad over petty stuff when his life just plain sucks overall. Childish, yes. Time to write him off, no.

[Anonymous]

At the age of twenty-three, your cousin’s fiancé should have been more cordial + helpful to the other men.

His upbringing or life stages have zero to do on how he treats people as adults.
If he is indeed unhappy & miserable, then it is entirely up to him to seek the professional help he requires.

[Anonymous]

Should not look, never involve this guy again. And yes, write him off.

[Anonymous]

Mental health issues.

Your not problem, or your husband's, but must DEFINITELY your cousin's problem. Please tell her, once, that her fiance seems to have anger issues and that she should not marry him.

Anger issues never go away. Mental health disorders never disappear, even if some can be managed with treatment/therapy, and get passed on to descendants.

This is a train wreck, OP. I just hope your cousin sees it in time.

[Anonymous]

Please excuse the typos - meant to say: "Not your problem, but most definitely your cousin's."

[Anonymous]

Not to excuse any deep issues he might have, but I'd be annoyed winterizing my MIL house on a Saturday, too. So, he finished the work he didn't want to do, and then left? I would just leave him alone, and stay out of your cousin's business. Is he not allowed to be annoyed, or upset? Sounds like he's blowing off steam.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a brat and an awful person.

[Anonymous]

MYOB. You don't know the whole story.

For one, it sounds like fiance didn't feel he had a choice in helping to winterize MIL's house (what does that even mean?).

It could be that he felt coerced into doing something on a Saturday he didn't want to do. You don't know the backstory of what went down with cousin and fiance in planning the activity.

That's the other thing. Did the cousin (the woman) actually help winterize the house? If she made her fiance help while she did other things, that's obnoxious.

That said, why does the cousin need people to search for him? He's a grown adult. If he doesn't want to hang out with them, that's his choice.

[Anonymous]

The guy has been gone for 2 hours and your cousin is soliciting people to help her look for him? Why? Why would anyone look for him? Why did anyone coerce him into working on MIL’s house? Your family sounds needy and controlling, I don’t blame him for being aggravated.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think anyone needed to go search for him, but my cousin was worried because he didn’t answer her calls. He did come home. Says he just drove around and doesn’t want to talk.

He actually didn’t finish the few tasks he was asked to do. Yes, it sucks to give up a rain free Saturday, but why wouldn’t you want your child’s grandmother to have a warm, safe home as the weather gets colder. Even if your child never goes over there, your partner would be worried about her mom, right?

I don’t think “Ben” has an anger issue so much as a not knowing how to be in a functioning family issue. He thinks offers of help are just a way to obligate him to pay it back with future favors. The result is that his life is much more stressful since he has taken on the task of trying to support three people himself. My cousin could work, but he doesn’t want the baby in daycare.

I’m just worried labeling him with an anger issue will isolate him more. He’s never been violent, just immature. And I think he would benefit from individual therapy to work out issues from his younger years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think anyone needed to go search for him, but my cousin was worried because he didn’t answer her calls. He did come home. Says he just drove around and doesn’t want to talk.

He actually didn’t finish the few tasks he was asked to do. Yes, it sucks to give up a rain free Saturday, but why wouldn’t you want your child’s grandmother to have a warm, safe home as the weather gets colder. Even if your child never goes over there, your partner would be worried about her mom, right?

I don’t think “Ben” has an anger issue so much as a not knowing how to be in a functioning family issue. He thinks offers of help are just a way to obligate him to pay it back with future favors. The result is that his life is much more stressful since he has taken on the task of trying to support three people himself. My cousin could work, but he doesn’t want the baby in daycare.

I’m just worried labeling him with an anger issue will isolate him more. He’s never been violent, just immature. And I think he would benefit from individual therapy to work out issues from his younger years.

As a PP asked, what in the world is happening at the aunt's home to winterize it? ??? It's not warm and safe now? ??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think anyone needed to go search for him, but my cousin was worried because he didn’t answer her calls. He did come home. Says he just drove around and doesn’t want to talk.

He actually didn’t finish the few tasks he was asked to do. Yes, it sucks to give up a rain free Saturday, but why wouldn’t you want your child’s grandmother to have a warm, safe home as the weather gets colder. Even if your child never goes over there, your partner would be worried about her mom, right?

I don’t think “Ben” has an anger issue so much as a not knowing how to be in a functioning family issue. He thinks offers of help are just a way to obligate him to pay it back with future favors. The result is that his life is much more stressful since he has taken on the task of trying to support three people himself. My cousin could work, but he doesn’t want the baby in daycare.

I’m just worried labeling him with an anger issue will isolate him more. He’s never been violent, just immature. And I think he would benefit from individual therapy to work out issues from his younger years.

As a PP asked, what in the world is happening at the aunt's home to winterize it? ??? It's not warm and safe now? ??

She needs to have windows and doors replaced. The men caulked and did other temporary fixes. Some minor plumbing stuff. Replacing a few dozen shingles. Nothing lots of money wouldn’t cure

[Anonymous]

In my family of origin nothing was ever done for me without it coming back on me later. It’s hard when you grew up with dysfunction to always know how to fit in.

Also, he could have just been exhausted and in a bad mood. If this isn’t a pattern then I wouldn’t worry too much.

[Anonymous]

Your family sounds really annoying, and dramatic. Why does it take all the men in the family to caulk and fix windows and doors? That is not how I would want to spend a Saturday, especially not if I had an 8 month old at home. Move on. MYOB

[Anonymous]

It seems that your cousin likes the drama too. If she wanted to "search" for him, that's for her to decide. Stay out of this because it will not end well.