Concern over person’s anger at petty stuff even if legit reason to be angry in life generally?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why isn’t MIL PAYING To have her home winterized? It sounds like it was a much bigger job then taking down some screens. If she can not take care of her house, she needs to move to a condo or apartment where EVERY male in the family is not REQUIRED to give up their Saturday to help her.

She is in a tough place financially right now as a result of a job loss. At 55, it is hard to find full time work. She’s working two PT retail positions. Even the Taskrabbit quotes for the work yesterday were going to be a stretch. The house is paid off and she’s lived there her whole life in a safe and supportive neighborhood. She could reasonably age in place there for twenty years and leave the house to her daughter.

No one was required to help out. “Ben” could have refused at the outset. Instead, he said yes, accomplished basically nothing, threw a teenaged tantrum, and left early. DH and the other men finished easily and had a nice beer afterwards. It could have been a good bonding experience for “Ben” who seems to feel like an outsider still after almost two years. Based on a PP, I think that maybe “Ben” doesn’t know how to do some household repairs like caulking and was embarrassed. Like a teen, he thought it saved face to call these tasks stupid rather than ask for or accept help. I think life is hard enough without closing off yourself to help or learning from others.

Yes, most of the people in DCUMland are rich and hire out work.

What is wrong with MIL that she can't caulk her own windows or at least work beside the menfolk and learn how to do it? Seriously, I thought you were talking about an old woman. 55 is middle aged!

She has helped with repairs. Caulking was a tiny bit of what was needed. A lot of it required two sets of hands or brute strength she doesn’t have. She also works all day on Saturday going from job A to job B. With the temperature drop, her nephew thought it was better to assemble a small crew to get it all done in 3-4 hours than work on it bit by bit over the next couple months.

I’m really shocked at how many people feel it is wrong to ask a 23 year old future family member to help out on a Saturday morning. I was raised very differently I guess. However, I see lots of families and even friends getting together so that many hands make light work. I guess having lots of money makes it possible to just hire someone when you need it, but how do you worry only about yourself? Is everyone you know wealthy?

I'm in my 50's and I can not imagine expecting my grown nieces, nephews, cousins and their fiances to drop everything they are doing and come fix my house up. It just wouldn't even dawn on me to expect such a thing.

This lady could have made things easier on herself by staying on top of her own home maintenance. Hiring a handyman to help with repairs while they are relatively minor is such much easier than waiting until things have gotten to be a huge problem. Patch a roof when it first starts leaking, don't wait for the ceiling to be caving in....

I think you missed that she lost her job. Not her fault. Her employer retired and closed. My aunt had worked there since age 26. She’s not in great shape after a life time of standing all day 40 hours a week and probably shouldn’t be on ladders alone even if younger. She hasn’t been able to afford new windows and doors. The roof isn’t leaking yet, but in cleaning the gutters, the missing shingles were detected. The roof stuff was a stitch in time.

I’m happy for you that you have the health, time, and money to spare you needing help from loved ones. Hoping you’ll find compassion for those less fortunate.

Oh, I have spent plenty of my time helping older family and even neighbors in the community. But I also know that a house doesn't "suddenly" need brand new windows and doors plus a new roof unless it's been hit by a tornado, tree or hurricane.

If your relative can't afford the maintenance on her home she should seriously consider downsizing as this is not going to get any easier for her. I'm sorry that she lost her job. That would be very tough.

[Anonymous]

Wait...I thought MIL couldn't be there because she's working 2 PT retail jobs now. She did lose her longtime, full time job.

[Anonymous]

Op, I'm sort of getting the impression that "the family" would like to see the cousin go back to work and have MIL (her mom) watch the baby....?

Perhaps "the family" would even like to see the young family move in with MIL to share the expenses of the house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Huge red flag. Is the baby their baby together? If not, cousin should dump him. You marry into a family, not cause drama in it.

Yes. She’s only three years older, but seems a life time more mature than him. They were together only about six weeks before whoops! baby. Raising the baby and getting married is his idea. I think he wants to be a good husband and father, but he needs a lot of emotional work.

I’m the pp you responded to. I think I jumped the gun saying she should dump him. But he should go to counseling for his dramatic reactions, assuming he often acts like this. He could’ve just said “no thanks” and left regarding the beer or made up an excuse to not go to fix up the house. He’s going to do terribly at a career or jobs if that is his usual personality. The thing is, you can’t really do anything as her cousin. Maybe if she talks to you about him, you could say, “have a long engagement” but you would have to handle any talking about him delicately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Assigning someone duties they don't want to do, then getting on them about it when they complain about it, and labeling them dysfunctional, and not allowing them to be upset about doing something they clearly don't want to, is annoying. Seems like he can't even disagree or complain about anything because you all think he's dysfunctional if he does. He was pissed off, left, and you think he should have gone straight home to his family instead of blow off steam, and then return home? You say his life sucks. Sounds like it will suck so much more when he marries into your family.

Two hours of no contact is a very long time for an adult to be that upset over volunteering time to help their MIL. Most adults wouldn’t get that upset over it, but if they did, they respond to a text saying “Are you okay? Please answer!”

Based on all of your posts, it's clear that you have an uncertain grasp of the meaning of "volunteering." There was absolutely nothing voluntary about this command performance.

[Anonymous]

Meh. He sounds 23 and immature and overreacted to being voluntold to do something. He has an 8 month old and I’m sure he’d tether be home with or rest instead of helping. Not everyone grew up in a culture of doing what you guys were doing. Sometimes family time is too much for some. Yes he was rude. But he seems to have had a hard life and maybe social niceties aren’t his strength either.

[Anonymous]

I wonder how many of the people here complaining about MIL needing help to winterize wouldn’t think twice about calling on their MIL for childcsare when they need it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why weren't you and your cousin helping out?

I tutor the elementary school age kids of new immigrant families at my church two Saturdays a month while the parents take basic English lessons. My cousin was watching her eight month old baby away from dust, chemicals, and the cold air.

Given your cousin doesn't work, maybe the fiance could've used the Saturday to spend with his child, and your cousin could've helped her mother caulk doors.

+100. Of course, OP's family might be the kind that says those tasks are men's work.

[Anonymous]

This whole set up is strange to me. The “men” all have to “volunteer” to “winterize” an able bodied 55 year old’s house? Why is this a men only job? Why did this 23 year old need to be roped into it too if he wasn’t interested? Why can’t this 55 year old do/at least help out with her own shit? (I seriously assumed she was 80 based on the initial post; that I would understand at least.)

Now, obviously, fiance didn’t behave in the most mature fashion, but I’m guessing he was rightfully annoyed and there is a ton of backstory here.

[Anonymous]

The 55 year old is done, done, done with retail work and is spiffing up her home (finally!) so that she can offer full time daycare to her grandchild. The 23 year old man would prefer to work and provide for his own family and wants his own soon to be wife to be a SAHM.

This couple is very young and they may one day take MIL up on her offer to provide daycare for their child. They might even wind up moving in with MIL and helping her with the house.

The older adults in the family would then be off the hook for having MIL downsize and move into their basements....

I think they are pressuring the young man to handle things the way they want to see them handled...probably more than they realize. They seriously need to back off and let this young couple work this stuff out for themselves. JMO.

[Anonymous]

You said he grew up in a dysfunctional household, and was taken advantage of as a young adult, and you’re surprised he doesn’t act the way your happy family members act? He’s used to being used, and then you ask him to spend hours on his day off helping fix up the house and at the end he’s offered a beer for his troubles. Is it possible he thought there might be some type of actual payment? I get how YOUR family looks at this; my family would be the same. But he did not grow up in the kind of environment where people help each other out of the goodness of their hearts. Yes, he acted very immature, but he’s had no role models his whole life. And on a day when maybe he could have experienced some, you say they were on him about what he was or wasn’t doing, how he was doing it wrong, etc. I suspect multiple things - he IS immature because he had no mature adults showing him the way, and he is self-conscious about what he doesn’t know and the “men” didn’t help matters. And when he got angry he drive around to blow off steam before heading home to a fiancé and baby. Not so much anger management issues as it is you guys not feeling he has any right to be angry period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You said he grew up in a dysfunctional household, and was taken advantage of as a young adult, and you’re surprised he doesn’t act the way your happy family members act? He’s used to being used, and then you ask him to spend hours on his day off helping fix up the house and at the end he’s offered a beer for his troubles. Is it possible he thought there might be some type of actual payment? I get how YOUR family looks at this; my family would be the same. But he did not grow up in the kind of environment where people help each other out of the goodness of their hearts. Yes, he acted very immature, but he’s had no role models his whole life. And on a day when maybe he could have experienced some, you say they were on him about what he was or wasn’t doing, how he was doing it wrong, etc. I suspect multiple things - he IS immature because he had no mature adults showing him the way, and he is self-conscious about what he doesn’t know and the “men” didn’t help matters. And when he got angry he drive around to blow off steam before heading home to a fiancé and baby. Not so much anger management issues as it is you guys not feeling he has any right to be angry period.

This. It is clear that you all don't respect this guy nor his choices very much and he is not a fool...he knows it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not to excuse any deep issues he might have, but I'd be annoyed winterizing my MIL house on a Saturday, too. So, he finished the work he didn't want to do, and then left? I would just leave him alone, and stay out of your cousin's business. Is he not allowed to be annoyed, or upset? Sounds like he's blowing off steam.

Agree, he might separately have issues, but I would NEVER send my DH to do yard work at my parents (or aunts or whoever.) They need to hire that out if they can't do it themselves, or move to a condo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The guy has been gone for 2 hours and your cousin is soliciting people to help her look for him? Why? Why would anyone look for him? Why did anyone coerce him into working on MIL’s house? Your family sounds needy and controlling, I don’t blame him for being aggravated.

Cousin sounds seriously co-dependent. Why is she looking for someone after not having come back for 2 hours?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think anyone needed to go search for him, but my cousin was worried because he didn’t answer her calls. He did come home. Says he just drove around and doesn’t want to talk.

He actually didn’t finish the few tasks he was asked to do. Yes, it sucks to give up a rain free Saturday, but why wouldn’t you want your child’s grandmother to have a warm, safe home as the weather gets colder. Even if your child never goes over there, your partner would be worried about her mom, right?

I don’t think “Ben” has an anger issue so much as a not knowing how to be in a functioning family issue. He thinks offers of help are just a way to obligate him to pay it back with future favors. The result is that his life is much more stressful since he has taken on the task of trying to support three people himself. My cousin could work, but he doesn’t want the baby in daycare.

I’m just worried labeling him with an anger issue will isolate him more. He’s never been violent, just immature. And I think he would benefit from individual therapy to work out issues from his younger years.

I'm all for family helping each other but since he resented this so much, why didn't the cousin offer to go help and let him watch the kid? That would have been one option.