Reply to Husband needs to be better father - how to articulate, or maybe I shouldn't?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think that if he's responsible/reliable/intelligent, you can get where you want to be.  Right now you say he doesn't do anything with the kids one on one unless you plan it.  So plan a "dad + kids" outing each week.  As he spends more time with them and gets to know them (and as they grow and become more involved in likes/hobbies), he can learn their likes and dislikes and have his own ideas for places to go/things to do with them.  When it comes to not helping out when you're on parenting duty and he's hanging out on his phone, divide and conquer.  "I've got to help Larlo with this math, Larla needs help with her spelling."  Or better yet: "Larla ask your dad to help you with your spelling," you don't have to be the taskmaster here.

As far as coming up with holiday traditions, I think it's nice that you have such fond memories of that with your dad but [b]I don't think it's poor parenting or emotionally distant to not think to invent traditions.[/b]  Plus traditions come about organically -- one year you'll do something that you all love and then you'll repeat it.[/quote]

This.  I think people who purposefully "create traditions" are missing the point of traditions.  You do them because your family did them before, or because you did something once and it was really fun or meaningful and so you decided to keep doing it.  Not being into fake traditions doesn't mean anything.

And it doesn't really matter that he doesn't research kid stuff all the time.  My parents never did, and I don't think that made them bad parents.  He needs to be up on things like any medical conditions and prescriptions, but he doesn't need to be "researching" child development all the time.

If you want him to spend more time with the kids, then at this point, you need to plan it, because you know he won't.  So plan it.  As he spends more time with them, he'll create his own connections.  If you want him to help them with homework, speak up.  Ask him.  No, you shouldn't have to, he should be able to see what needs to be done, but he doesn't, so help him learn to notice.

But stop comparing him to your own father.  It's not fair to him and it's setting you up for disappointment.  It's also likely to make you view his interactions with the kids in a more critical/negative light, and that's not good, either.  You have this idea of what "building a family" should look like, and in front of you is a guy who loves his kids, feeds them, takes them to school, reads to them, goes to their games, etc.  That's not "helping," that's "parenting."  Don't discount that, build on it.  [/quote]

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