How much hobby time is fair?

[Anonymous]

let me translate:

I only want my husband doing things that I'm interested in like going to get pumpkins and doing the chores around the house that I want him to work on. He is cheating me out of those things because he has a hobby and works on his hobby late a night when I would prefer that he was in bed with me. Please confirm that I'm right and my husband is wrong. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

It's fine as long as you get an equal amount of time off to do whatever you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My guess - and OP will have to chime in here - is that DH is generally not present in the marriage (or perhaps as a father). He stays up all night devoting time to the hobby, spends one night a week out with friends. Hobby seems to occupy a lot of time that would otherwise be devoted to spending time with DW and DC. My guess is that DH is shortchanging that and DW is frustrated.

This. DH here with a wife who is a lot like OP's husband. It's not the hobbies (multiple) that bother me, it's the cumulative amount of time she's absent from home or completely tuned out when she is at home, between hobbies, business travel and her friends. And believe me, I'm not the only one who notices, so does our kid. I usually feel like I'm somewhere at the bottom of her list of priorities. I hate the idea that our child might feel the same way.

[Anonymous]

I work every other weekend (so family time and time to get stuff done is more limited) and I'd have zero issues with this. But DH is an awesome husband and super involved dad.

[Anonymous]

Leave him alone and let him do it. My DH and I have separate hobbies and it’s great because we don’t spend 24/7 together and we have fun updates and things to share with each other when we are together. It’s really selfish to make him miss out on something he loves and enjoys to go get pumpkins. You can’t do that yourself? It’s really unattractive when you don’t have any interests and hobbies and life of your own.

[Anonymous]

Does the time he spends on his hobbies actually prevent you from spending comparable time on an interest of your own, or is it more jealousy that he has this thing of his own that he loves and you don't?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My guess - and OP will have to chime in here - is that DH is generally not present in the marriage (or perhaps as a father). He stays up all night devoting time to the hobby, spends one night a week out with friends. Hobby seems to occupy a lot of time that would otherwise be devoted to spending time with DW and DC. My guess is that DH is shortchanging that and DW is frustrated.

This. DH here with a wife who is a lot like OP's husband. It's not the hobbies (multiple) that bother me, it's the cumulative amount of time she's absent from home or completely tuned out when she is at home, between hobbies, business travel and her friends. And believe me, I'm not the only one who notices, so does our kid. I usually feel like I'm somewhere at the bottom of her list of priorities. I hate the idea that our child might feel the same way.

Yep yep.

Sometimes b/w jobs, being a spouse, being a parent, there's not a whole lot of down time and if all (or most) of that downtime is spent on a hobby, I'd be frustrated as well.

[Anonymous]

I hope his hobby is something like dressing up My Little Ponies so we can all switch back to taking OP's side.

[Anonymous]

It may be a bit excessive but I would not get all bent out of shape about it. I have a hobby that I devote a lot of time to late in the evening 2-3 nights a week and it also requires 2-3 weekends a year selling my work at craft shows. My DH isn't thrilled about it but it's a hobby I really enjoy.

[Anonymous]

First, everyone has their opinion, which is great. But at the end of the day, we all have things that matter to us individually, and this is yours.

There are healthy ways to compromise in any situation. From the way you explain it here, it sounds like you both have handled this situation on an "as-it-comes-up" basis. Have you considered setting some boundaries that you both agree on? Where you can have his hobby, your priorities and how they affect you both and you both feel like priorities are aligned? Just read an article that I thought of when I read your post. Maybe it helps! https://bit.ly/2y0XNy1

[Anonymous]

Personally I think that IS too much time away from his family, but... it's not a deal-breaker, OP.

My husband is barely employable because he has untreated mental health issues. I'd take a mentally stable spouse with a time-consuming hobby any day of the week!!!

[Anonymous]

I'm guessing his hobby is some kind of role playing dungeon and dragons type game - am I right??

I had a friend who's DH wanted to play video games and go to video game conferences and group playing events all the time. It was a big issue especially after they had kids. They eventually came to an agreement that he could play one night a week, one weekend day a month and one long weekend a year.

Communications and laying out expectations are key. DH has a right to have a hobby but he doesn't have a right to do it all the time or anytime he wants.

[Anonymous]

I love my alone time so would actually love for DH to get out of the house more doing things he enjoyed.
That being said, it is not unreasonable to expect the priorities of your spouse to change when you have children. That is NOT a bait and switch as some men here like to call it.
The DH, I assume, is the father of this child and as such, yes, his life would change upon the birth of that child. That does not mean he can never go out, but to continue to expect the same level of extra curricular activities after kids that you had before them is just naive.
the wife did not surprise DH with a child from the store, he KNEW and had an active role in creating that child. Given he JUST got back from a hobby trip, i think this weekend is a bit much, but in general a weekend day doesn't seem like a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I argued because I don't want him to schedule a 6 hour event with his hobby group on an upcoming Saturday. We don't currently have plans for that Saturday, but we have a ton of unfinished projects around the house, we need to make time to see his mom, I'd like to go get pumpkins sometime soon, etc.

DH goes out one night a week to do this hobby, and also stays up late working on it in the house, and texts constantly with his hobby friends. Two or three times a year he goes to overnight events; the most recent one was 4 nights and took place less than a month ago. We both WOH with one young child.

He thinks I'm isolating him because I don't have hobbies myself. I feel like he may as well be cheating, given all the attention being directed outside our family. What's reasonable?

1) You currently don't have plans for that day so he gets credit for trying to make plans that don't require canceling other plans.
2) Are they YOUR unfinished projects around the house or his or joint? Do they really need to be done in the next month? If so, why can't they get done during the week, or on Sunday?
3) Why do you need to make time to see his mom, other than because that's just a general thing you do? Also, how long does that take? Does she live an overnight trip away?
4) How long does it take to go get pumpkins? Any reason you can't do it one of the other weekends before Halloween?
5) He only goes out one night a week for his hobby.
6) Does his staying up late affect you? Does he say he's too tired to help with the kid or go to work in the morning because he's tired?
7) Two or three times a year isn't a lot for events.
8) Do you have any hobbies?
9) Did you tell him he might as well be cheating? Because you do realize that that involves betrayal, rather than just time consumption.

Maybe some of your answers to the above would sway me, but honestly I can't find a single point on which you're being reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope his hobby is something like dressing up My Little Ponies so we can all switch back to taking OP's side.