How much hobby time is fair?

[Anonymous]

DH and I argued because I don't want him to schedule a 6 hour event with his hobby group on an upcoming Saturday. We don't currently have plans for that Saturday, but we have a ton of unfinished projects around the house, we need to make time to see his mom, I'd like to go get pumpkins sometime soon, etc.

DH goes out one night a week to do this hobby, and also stays up late working on it in the house, and texts constantly with his hobby friends. Two or three times a year he goes to overnight events; the most recent one was 4 nights and took place less than a month ago. We both WOH with one young child.

He thinks I'm isolating him because I don't have hobbies myself. I feel like he may as well be cheating, given all the attention being directed outside our family. What's reasonable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I argued because I don't want him to schedule a 6 hour event with his hobby group on an upcoming Saturday. We don't currently have plans for that Saturday, but we have a ton of unfinished projects around the house, we need to make time to see his mom, I'd like to go get pumpkins sometime soon, etc.

DH goes out one night a week to do this hobby, and also stays up late working on it in the house, and texts constantly with his hobby friends. Two or three times a year he goes to overnight events; the most recent one was 4 nights and took place less than a month ago. We both WOH with one young child.

He thinks I'm isolating him because I don't have hobbies myself. I feel like he may as well be cheating, given all the attention being directed outside our family. What's reasonable?

I think he's being reasonable.

I also think if you equate it with having an affair, he may as well go have one.

[Anonymous]

What's the hobby?

[Anonymous]

Jesus. Let the guy have some damn relief from work and home life with this hobby. Get a life yourself. Keep trying to restrict his free time and see how long your marriage lasts.

[Anonymous]

Unless this hobby involves drugs or other women I'd support his interest. It sounds like he's found an outlet that allows him a little breathing room/space which is generally a healthy thing for a marriage. Don't worry so much about unfinished projects - they will be there when you get around to them

[Anonymous]

Before we had kids, my DH loved to golf and watch a ridiculous amount of football. Now that we have kids, he golfs maybe 3 times a year and watches his one NFL team on delay (so he can skip commercials).

Kids change your priorities. His new hobby needs to be "Being a Dad". He can still be involved in his other hobby, but I think needs to take huge steps back.

He recently got to spend FOUR SOLID DAYS AND NIGHTS doing this hobby. No, he doesn't get to spend any more family time (aka: day time during the weekends, early evenings during the week) doing it for a bit.

But sadly, it doesn't matter what I think. Also, don't have more kids until this has been resolved a bit. Two kids up the ante at home in a crazy way.

[Anonymous]

Attitudes like OP’s are the reasons that so many men are terrified of the bait and switch. I can’t believe some of the complaints from wives here.

Let’s place this in a different context. How many of you grew up in a family where Mom and Dad were together, and either parent engaged actively in a hobby, chatted with buddies about it, and you know - lived life?

The selfish expectations are unreasonable and I don’t think sustainable in the long term for a truly satisfying relationship between two healthy adults building a life together.

Kids can change the dynamic for a little while; but each family is unique and should do what works for them. People really need to listen to what their spouse is asking for in life more after marriage, instead of checking them with the spousal obligation card over stupid stuff. You don’t waste your marital Trump card on stuff like this.

[Anonymous]

What specifics make you think he's having an affair? Is your gut talking to you? Does he hide his phone? Does he do his hobby with women, or would you think it may be somebody else and he's just using the hobby as a cover? Is he particularly ornery with you lately? Hows the sex?

[Anonymous]

It's not about being fair -- it's about being happy. Find middle ground. IMO doesn't sound as if you really need him to stay home this weekend.

Maybe you could get in the habit of scheduling some family/errand time and some date nights? This works well to communicate with him and to also 'get on the schedule'.

Signed,
married happily for 31 years

[Anonymous]

You're being unreasonable. One night a week plus a couple overnights per year is fine. You didn't have any plans on Saturday so he's not disrupting anything. If he's otherwise a good husband and father, let him have his hobby. Interests other than work and family are very important for people's happiness.

You should also find your own hobby. It's good for you, and the time your DH spends with your child will give him a better appreciation for both your kid and you.

[Anonymous]

You are being unreasonable. If I were him, I would go whether or not you wanted me to. Do you really need him to pick out pumpkins with you?

[Anonymous]

OP, find a hobby of your own. It’s healthy to have a hobby you love and engage with, there’s research linking it to all kinds of stuff like better health and longevity and lower rates of depression and anxiety.

[Anonymous]

This is how so many women destroy their marriages. A kid comes along and suddenly they think you should drop everything in your life that isn't directly related to rearing the child. Then they wonder why their husbands are so miserable, why they no longer have a sense of self and/or friends. Guess what, ladies? You are more than just a parent. You can raise a kid and have a life outside of that.

[Anonymous]

Is the hobby something he can take the kids to?

Can he drop the kids off with his mom for the 6 hours, then he can visit when he picks them up?

Don't forget he is an individual as well as a father and husband and employee and son

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What specifics make you think he's having an affair? Is your gut talking to you? Does he hide his phone? Does he do his hobby with women, or would you think it may be somebody else and he's just using the hobby as a cover? Is he particularly ornery with you lately? Hows the sex?

She doesn't think he's having an affair. She thinks his hobby time is as bad as an affair. You probably missed it because it's pretty ridiculous thinking on her part.