How much hobby time is fair?

[Anonymous]

I think its ok too. However if family time is important to you then I think he needs to prioritize that too. So if the goal is to go do pumpkins together then he needs to be able to fit that in as well as the hobby. not do the 6 hour hobby then spend an hour cutting the grass and going to his parents.

I have a similar discussion with my spouse sometimes but its work, where she wants to work extra on the weekend for OT. ( we are not poor or rich, somewhere in the middle but dont need OT to get by) This is fine with me as long as the 4 hours she does have at home she needs to spend doing something all together, not watching TV and having down time.

[Anonymous]

Why can’t you do pumpkins and house projects on Sunday?

[Anonymous]

OP, I would suggest you schedule one “family” weekend, you have a weekend where he is default parent, he has a weekend where you are default parent, and the other weekend is a toss up for things you negotiate. Block off 1 Saturday or Sunday every other “family weekend” for projects, chores, fun stuff, visits. You can’t do it all but with planning it will help. Just a suggestion, not a promised solution; you’ll need to tweak to your family needs and style. This is just one potential way to incorporate each other’s needs into a routine that you can both agree to. Everything will probably change as kid gets older and your time goes away, you’ll be focused on sports, extracurricular, birthdays, etc. Take the long view.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is how so many women destroy their marriages. A kid comes along and suddenly they think you should drop everything in your life that isn't directly related to rearing the child. Then they wonder why their husbands are so miserable, why they no longer have a sense of self and/or friends. Guess what, ladies? You are more than just a parent. You can raise a kid and have a life outside of that.

It happens to women, too. I've known many husbands who whine that it's not fair for their wife to have hobbies, because then they're stuck with the kids for a few hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What specifics make you think he's having an affair? Is your gut talking to you? Does he hide his phone? Does he do his hobby with women, or would you think it may be somebody else and he's just using the hobby as a cover? Is he particularly ornery with you lately? Hows the sex?

She doesn't think he's having an affair. She thinks his hobby time is as bad as an affair. You probably missed it because it's pretty ridiculous thinking on her part.

Oh, yeah. Lazy reading on my part.

OP, FYI a hobby is so not the same as an affair!!!

[Anonymous]

I think he is spending a little too much time on this, though it's not that big a deal when the child is young. Older children end up taking up much more time on weekends as they have activities and develop hobbies of their own. He will need to scale back then.

But OP gives herself away with the pumpkin picking. That's when you know that every single thing has to be a full family activity, which is unreasonable as well.

[Anonymous]

You don't currently have plans.

Your reasons are "unfinished projects"--guess what, you will always have unfinished projects. Life is an unfinished project.

You need to "make time to see his mom." uh, HIS mom. his choice, why are you in charge of scheduling this?

You want to get pumpkins sometime soon. Its SEPTEMBER 20 FFS.

I suggest you unclench, get a sitter and get some hobbies of your own--see a friend, go exercise, take a walk, go to yoga, paint pottery or take your little one with you to run the needed errands.

You are going to have a much happier marriage if you give each other some space.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP. I’ve been married 20 years and have a 14 and 16 year old (HS freshman and junior). And I WOH (as does DH) so I get young kids/ time is tight. So things you need to realize:


Hobbies and taking a break from being at home are how people cope with a stressful job plus the stress of a young child. People who take breaks and take care of themselves are able to be better parents, spouses and employees.

Families go through stages. Newlyweds are often joined at the hip. If you have a kid who is not in ES, and is home 24/7, realize that ES is about running kids to soccer practice, and sitting through Saturday morning soccer games, and later maybe a serious travel sport, music lessons, swimming lessons, hosting their friends, having your kid at other people’s houses. And by MS if your kid has an activity they are serious about, it takes a lot of their time and homework demands creep up, and they spend more time with friends. And in HS, they socialize with their friends on weekends, have an enormous amount of homework, and their extracurriculars take a lot of time. You get time with your kid in snatches, they need carpooling until they can drive, but they are out of the house or otherwise occupied most of the time. I am looking 4 years in the future at an empty nest. It happened so damn fast.

That’s why you need your own things too. Even if you don’t find work plus kid stressful, your DH can’t be your whole world the way he was when you got married. And this will become more true as your child grows. You need family time, and couple time, of course. You also need other things in your life, or one day you will look up and everyone in your house will have interesting, fulfilling lives but you.

Your husband’s hobby is completely fair—- if he makes it possible for you to take time for yourself too. Agree with him that on one night a week when he takes over and you do a book club, go to the gym, take a class, etc. everyone once and a while, go out on a Saturday for a few hours and meet a friend for coffe or forget a mani-pedi or go to the gym alone or go on a hike. If you have to, go to Starbucks with a book or an iPad at first.

DH and I also travel separately every year. He takes a couple one 1-2 night weekend ski trips— although recently DD has started joining him. I go somewhere warm for a long weekend in the winter with someone— a girlfriend, my sister, my mom. But if no one is available, I go by myself, book a massage and take my kindle. It is wonderful. I always come back feeling recharged and ready to tackle anything. This winter, my SIL invited me on a week long cruise. I will be gone for 9 days. DH was like, oldest DC is driving, so I can manage here, and we have the money. You do so much for the kids during the school year. Go and have an amazing time. I love him so, so much for that. And down the road if he finds a week long something non-work related he wants to do— of course I will be okay with it.

[Anonymous]

The things I think are important, I just put it in our shared calendar so he knows what’s coming up. Make sure to schedule in some time for you to do something on your own for a few hours, and schedule in some family time as well. It doesn’t have to be every weekend. I think that is doable when you have one child.

I get it though. It’s a hard transition. All of a sudden there is less time and more responsibilities. It often feels like the woman ends up having to change her whole life and priorities and as a result there’s a bit of an identity loss there. While the man’s life only seems to change a fraction. You can’t help but lose yourself a bit after dealing with all the everyday mundane stuff that fills your mind.

Keep family a priority but make time for yourself too. Pick up pumpkins at the supermarket. Let your husband have his hobby. And don’t have another child unless he’s willing to scale back on his personal time.

[Anonymous]

If it's something you've been pressing him to do (house projects) for weeks/months, I understand your frustration. Some time for a hobby is healthy. The time he is investing in it sounds like a lot. What hobby is it?

If he is spending all this time on a hobby while forsaking day to day husband/father duties, then yeah, you have a right to be upset.

If he's doing everything he's supposed to be doing as a dad and husband, then what's the issue?

[Anonymous]

I think you are justified in being annoyed since he spends at least 1 night a week and just had a 4 day weekend devoted to this hobby. However, your reasons for opposing this weekend's event are pretty lame. You need to schedule something for yourself to be gone one night a week and 6 hours on a Saturday. It doesn't really matter what it is, just get out.

[Anonymous]

Husband is completely reasonable. I think you are just jealous and needy. I suggest you get your own hobby and spend some time being an individual with outside interests.

[Anonymous]

OP, most people I know who seem to have healthy marriages and healthy, happy DS (and I get you never really know from the outside), find a way for both parents to be very involved with their kids activities (ie both of them sitting on the travel soccer field, or going to football games together to watch the band march, plus volunteering to be a part of the activity (snack mom, chaperone, etc). They also regularly go out together with pout their kids— maybe once a month with little ones, and several times a month with teens, and both partners have a “hobby”— book club, bunco group, regular runners, people who go to the gym, a guy who still rows from his college days, girls/boys night out.

You can be there for your kids and and have couple time, and still do something for yourself. You just need to be flexible, especially as kids activities grow. And realize a monthly date night is ideal, but you might have to skip it, and miss a bunco night and s less time with friends I’d your spouse has to travel for work or you are in the middle of travel soccer season.

1. Say yes to reasonable requests (that do not interfere with other things on the calender or must get done now) without resentment.
2. Ask for what you need to be happy and recharge without feeling guilty.
3. Prepare to be flexible as the needs of your husband and kids change.
4. Don’t feel guilty about asking your family to be flexible when you need them to be.
5. Don’t keep score. Don’t count hours away from the family. Instead, ask if you and DH are getting what you need, while still being be present and engaging with the kids and each other.

[Anonymous]

My guess - and OP will have to chime in here - is that DH is generally not present in the marriage (or perhaps as a father). He stays up all night devoting time to the hobby, spends one night a week out with friends. Hobby seems to occupy a lot of time that would otherwise be devoted to spending time with DW and DC. My guess is that DH is shortchanging that and DW is frustrated.

[Anonymous]

On the timing of these events close to each other, is there any seasonality to this hobby? I have a hobby that’s pretty low-key most of the year but in the spring there are a few big annual events in fairly close succession that I like to go to, which my DH supports. Sure, having me gone a bunch during those weeks wears on him a bit, but he also knows there’s no option to say, “Hey, maybe you could skip this May event and go to one in February instead,” so he supports me doing it knowing he’ll get his chance to do comparable stuff the rest of the year when my hobby is quieter.