Little sister is acting out

[Anonymous]

Tell her she's a spoiled brat. and grow up and take responsibility for her life.

She will "guilt" your parents into supporting her forever.
Tell your parents that for your sister's well being they need to kick her out in 1-2 years. They need to set a date and tell her she has to get a self supporting job or education by then.
- my in-laws STILL support their 50yo "gifted" daughter who blew it and never took self responsibility

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't believe in pretending that each kid has the same needs. Kids should know we treat them as unique individuals... with different needs.

There is a good saying about that: "Fair does not mean giving each child the same thing. Fair means giving each child what she needs."

If one child has special needs, then that's reasonable. Otherwise, financial resources should be split evenly between children.

[Anonymous]

The best thing for you to do is STAY OUT OF IT. Here's my outsider's objective perspective - there's blame on both sides. It's really, really crappy to pay for one kid's college but not the other. Counting on a kid getting an academic scholarship to college is a terrible plan. It is understandable that your sister is resentful about that. That's on your parents.

That said, circumstances change, your parents don't have the money, and your sister now needs to grow up and realize that life isn't fair. Lashing out is not the way an adult deals with disappointment, and she's saying horrible things to your parents. That's on your sister.

So, basically, there's blame to go around. Frankly, I think your sister's behavior is pretty bad, but, she's not posting here asking for advice. You are, and, simply put, you have no standing to intervene here. Surely you can understand that anything you say to her will fall on deaf ears - after all, you're the one who had college paid for. There is absolutely no chance that anything you say or do will improve this situation, so just stay out of it.

If you are incapable of biting your tongue, the most I'd say to sister is this - "I understand how unfair this is to you and I know mom and dad wish they had planned better and could help you out. That said, it is what it is. They don't have the money, that's not going to change, so the only person with any ability to act here is you. You need to decide what you want to do with the reality that you are faced with."

Definitely don't point out the opportunities she threw away - she was a teenager. I don't disagree with you, but it's not entirely fair to hold her to the same level of foresight that you would expect an adult to have. She is hardly the first 15/16 year old to prioritize partying over school, and doesn't need that thrown back in her face now. Again, planning to finance your kid's college via scholarship is not smart.

At this point, obviously, your sister is the only one who can change their behavior, but that's understandably a bitter pill to swallow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't believe in pretending that each kid has the same needs. Kids should know we treat them as unique individuals... with different needs.

There is a good saying about that: "Fair does not mean giving each child the same thing. Fair means giving each child what she needs."

But all these kids needed a college education. D1 got it. D2 got half. D3 got none. Unfair.

[Anonymous]

I also think the poor kid in a fancy private school probably felt out of place and that is why she ended up with the bad crowd. Is is very isolating to be “different” in high school. Parents school choice was a mistake esp to put the burden of scholarships on a 14-15 year old.

But she does need to face reality at some point. Just not your place to say anythjng unless you can pay for community college for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't believe in pretending that each kid has the same needs. Kids should know we treat them as unique individuals... with different needs.

There is a good saying about that: "Fair does not mean giving each child the same thing. Fair means giving each child what she needs."

But all these kids needed a college education. D1 got it. D2 got half. D3 got none. Unfair.

D3 got expensive private school and flunked out. Parents were not rich to begin with. Did their best with each one, given their financial picture at that time and that particular kid's apparent abilities. Parents didn't make her squander the high school opportunity.

[Anonymous]

I'd be mad if I was the middle sister. She really got the short end of the stick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't believe in pretending that each kid has the same needs. Kids should know we treat them as unique individuals... with different needs.

There is a good saying about that: "Fair does not mean giving each child the same thing. Fair means giving each child what she needs."

But all these kids needed a college education. D1 got it. D2 got half. D3 got none. Unfair.

D3 got expensive private school and flunked out. Parents were not rich to begin with. Did their best with each one, given their financial picture at that time and that particular kid's apparent abilities. Parents didn't make her squander the high school opportunity.

They should have known it was dumb to pay for expensive high school and rely on financial aid. How expensive was the high school, OP? Was it like college or cheap like a Catholic school in LOw COL area they felt would pay for much more later? Otherwise can’t imagine making that choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't believe in pretending that each kid has the same needs. Kids should know we treat them as unique individuals... with different needs.

There is a good saying about that: "Fair does not mean giving each child the same thing. Fair means giving each child what she needs."

But all these kids needed a college education. D1 got it. D2 got half. D3 got none. Unfair.

D3 got expensive private school and flunked out. Parents were not rich to begin with. Did their best with each one, given their financial picture at that time and that particular kid's apparent abilities. Parents didn't make her squander the high school opportunity.

A 15 year old doesn’t get opportunity. DCUM apologizes for 25 year olds and wants to hang blame on a kid? Weird.

[Anonymous]

Without knowing more than OP posted, I agree with the PP who said a 5 year old understands fairness better than OP's parents. Fully funding college for one, nothing for second, and private school for third is SO unbalanced. My experience is VERY different from what OP described, but I'll share anyway. I still remember when I was paying my way through college and my mom telling me how amaze she was that her parents had found a way to pay for her college education. This annoyed me because my mom always harped on about how it was my responsibility to pay for my own college education. The truth was she couldn't afford to pay my tuition. I didn't blame her for that, but had always assumed the concept of a parent paying for their child's college degree was completely foreign to her. So, to learn that she hadn't paid for her own college education really irked me. Guess it still does a little bit, 15 years later. <sigh>

[Anonymous]

I think people are making too much of the supposed opportunity little sister had with the private high school. Just because her dad assumed she'd get a full ride to college doesn't mean she would have. I mean, realistically, of she was that ademically gifted, she would have gotten a scholarship to the fancy private high school and your parents wouldn't have had to pay. If she didn't get that, I have no idea why your parents would assume she'd get a full ride to college. Academic scholarships are hard to come by, and full rides due to academics are rare. They really screwed her by spending her college fund on high school assuming she would get a college scholarship. My kids are bright, but I cannot imagine putting my eggs in that basket.

[Anonymous]

It’s not right for parents to blame a 15yo for squandering an opportunity.

TBH, I come from a land (poor, middle America) where it is never assumed one will even go to college let alone that it would be funded at all by parents.

I paid my way through college after enlisting in the military. My parents tried to help as best they could along the way. In the end my younger siblings probably received 5-10x more financial help. They just didn’t have enough money to do things fairly. They wanted to help so much more but could only do what they could. Which meant it wasn’t really fair.

My dh comes from more money. It’s so easy then. I remember everything was always equal for them. 3 equal college funds. And they even had 3 equal wedding funds.

Having money makes it easier to be fair. I don’t hold this against my parents, but I’d like to have enough money to be fair for my kids’ sake.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why nobody has even brought up the possibility of OP paying parents back for college education, at least in part. I mean, OP isn't saddled with college loan debt. Most people are. If she used the step up to work forward in her career, she can turn around and give back to help her sister, no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your parents screwed this up royally.

So how is this statement in ANY way helpful to the OP? Maybe dad wasn't wise (in retrospect, when hindsight is perfect 20/20) to put the few remaining eggs in the private high school basket for the youngest DD, and his gamble that she'd get scholarships for college didn't pay off, but it wasn't a screw-up. Sounds like little sister is the one who has blown things and now is avoiding responsibility for that and laying all blame on mom and dad for not being rich.

OP, this is between her and your parents of course, and not about you; however, I do understand it must be tough for you to see her lashing out so nastily at your parents. It sounds as if she wouldn't listen to you, so in your shoes I would focus on giving your parents your support. Let them know that you see how she's treating them, and YOU think they did their best. Your other sister should do the same.

I'm not clear on one important thing: Is youngest sister living with mom and dad right now? If so, that needs to change. If she's not working and contributing to the household (either by paying rent, however low, or by doing specific chores EVERY week to take those chores off your parents' hands), there needs to be a talk about a deadline for that happening. I admit, I'd be concerned,with her partying history, that if she moved out entirely she would be partying more and fall into a drugs/drink/party life from which she might not climb out. But she can't live with your folks and spew anger at them over their not being wealthy. So...IS she living with them now?

Yes. She lives at home with them. She never co tributes to anything but us so rude to them and Bullies them.

I feel so bad for them. they don’t deserve this.

This is not accurate. She was given an opportunity and she took advantage of it. Her sister was given an opportunity and she blew it. This is the youngest sister's fault. The middle sister put herself through college and paid her own way. There are only two types of people in this world - those who appreciate and take advantage of the opportunities that they have and those that squander and waste them. Those are also the types of people who blame everyone, but themselves, when they finally realize they have screwed up.

The youngest sister should have gone to this private high school (which Dad paid for with every cent he had left) and she should have understood that this was an opportunity to set herself up with a scholarship. Instead, she flunked out. How many people can't finish high school??? Even when she flunked out of the private school, instead of screwing around for a couple of years, she should have regrouped and gone to public school to finish her diploma and then go to college.

You get she's upset you are the favorite and she wasn't treated equally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't believe in pretending that each kid has the same needs. Kids should know we treat them as unique individuals... with different needs.

There is a good saying about that: "Fair does not mean giving each child the same thing. Fair means giving each child what she needs."

But all these kids needed a college education. D1 got it. D2 got half. D3 got none. Unfair.

D3 got expensive private school and flunked out. Parents were not rich to begin with. Did their best with each one, given their financial picture at that time and that particular kid's apparent abilities. Parents didn't make her squander the high school opportunity.

A 15 year old doesn’t get opportunity. DCUM apologizes for 25 year olds and wants to hang blame on a kid? Weird.

The ageism (I don't know what else to call it) on this board amazes me more than almost anything... is 18 an adult or not? is 15? is 27? You can find evidence for/against each all over the place here.