Little sister is acting out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your parents screwed this up royally.

So how is this statement in ANY way helpful to the OP? Maybe dad wasn't wise (in retrospect, when hindsight is perfect 20/20) to put the few remaining eggs in the private high school basket for the youngest DD, and his gamble that she'd get scholarships for college didn't pay off, but it wasn't a screw-up. Sounds like little sister is the one who has blown things and now is avoiding responsibility for that and laying all blame on mom and dad for not being rich.

OP, this is between her and your parents of course, and not about you; however, I do understand it must be tough for you to see her lashing out so nastily at your parents. It sounds as if she wouldn't listen to you, so in your shoes I would focus on giving your parents your support. Let them know that you see how she's treating them, and YOU think they did their best. Your other sister should do the same.

I'm not clear on one important thing: Is youngest sister living with mom and dad right now? If so, that needs to change. If she's not working and contributing to the household (either by paying rent, however low, or by doing specific chores EVERY week to take those chores off your parents' hands), there needs to be a talk about a deadline for that happening. I admit, I'd be concerned,with her partying history, that if she moved out entirely she would be partying more and fall into a drugs/drink/party life from which she might not climb out. But she can't live with your folks and spew anger at them over their not being wealthy. So...IS she living with them now?

Yes. She lives at home with them. She never co tributes to anything but us so rude to them and Bullies them.

I feel so bad for them. they don’t deserve this.

This is not accurate. She was given an opportunity and she took advantage of it. Her sister was given an opportunity and she blew it. This is the youngest sister's fault. The middle sister put herself through college and paid her own way. There are only two types of people in this world - those who appreciate and take advantage of the opportunities that they have and those that squander and waste them. Those are also the types of people who blame everyone, but themselves, when they finally realize they have screwed up.

The youngest sister should have gone to this private high school (which Dad paid for with every cent he had left) and she should have understood that this was an opportunity to set herself up with a scholarship. Instead, she flunked out. How many people can't finish high school??? Even when she flunked out of the private school, instead of screwing around for a couple of years, she should have regrouped and gone to public school to finish her diploma and then go to college.

You get she's upset you are the favorite and she wasn't treated equally.

paying for private high school is not an 'opportunity' - it's wasteful spending. private school does not increase the odds of getting academic scholarship. the parents were really dumb to think that. although they spent a lot of money (i assume) on the youngest daughter they still screwed her up. it's like parents buying one kid 500k starter home and another kid 500k custom giant ice statue. the amount spent is the same, but only one is an actual investment.

[Anonymous]

OP, favoritism ALWAYS divides families. ALWAYS. Your parents messed up by not giving each of you the same opportunities - it will end with resentment all around. No matter how old or successful. This is especially true if the sibling that was given every opportunity drops the ball, while the sibling that was given nothing (or less than nothing, if that is possible, in some scenarios) grows in laps and strides. I have a friend whose family is in this scenario, and my friend finally had enough of the resentment (my friend is completely self made), and alienated the spoiled sibling. Rightfully so, from what I have seen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Part of this is on your parents. She should have stayed in public and they should have paid for each kid to go to the state university to save cost. They should not have paid for you and not the others. That is really crappy. You should have helped your siblings.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your parents screwed this up royally.

So how is this statement in ANY way helpful to the OP? Maybe dad wasn't wise (in retrospect, when hindsight is perfect 20/20) to put the few remaining eggs in the private high school basket for the youngest DD, and his gamble that she'd get scholarships for college didn't pay off, but it wasn't a screw-up. Sounds like little sister is the one who has blown things and now is avoiding responsibility for that and laying all blame on mom and dad for not being rich.

OP, this is between her and your parents of course, and not about you; however, I do understand it must be tough for you to see her lashing out so nastily at your parents. It sounds as if she wouldn't listen to you, so in your shoes I would focus on giving your parents your support. Let them know that you see how she's treating them, and YOU think they did their best. Your other sister should do the same.

I'm not clear on one important thing: Is youngest sister living with mom and dad right now? If so, that needs to change. If she's not working and contributing to the household (either by paying rent, however low, or by doing specific chores EVERY week to take those chores off your parents' hands), there needs to be a talk about a deadline for that happening. I admit, I'd be concerned,with her partying history, that if she moved out entirely she would be partying more and fall into a drugs/drink/party life from which she might not climb out. But she can't live with your folks and spew anger at them over their not being wealthy. So...IS she living with them now?

Yes. She lives at home with them. She never co tributes to anything but us so rude to them and Bullies them.

I feel so bad for them. they don’t deserve this.

They kind of do for such blatant favoritism. It is easy for you to say they don’t deserve it, your college was paid for.[/quote] + 1 -- One of you was given a good start in life. One had a leg up and one was dealt a crappy hand. You, op, need to acknowledge, if only to yourself, that your siblings got a raw deal compared to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The best thing for you to do is STAY OUT OF IT. Here's my outsider's objective perspective - there's blame on both sides. It's really, really crappy to pay for one kid's college but not the other. Counting on a kid getting an academic scholarship to college is a terrible plan. It is understandable that your sister is resentful about that. That's on your parents.

That said, circumstances change, your parents don't have the money, and your sister now needs to grow up and realize that life isn't fair. Lashing out is not the way an adult deals with disappointment, and she's saying horrible things to your parents. That's on your sister.

So, basically, there's blame to go around. Frankly, I think your sister's behavior is pretty bad, but, she's not posting here asking for advice. You are, and, simply put, you have no standing to intervene here. Surely you can understand that anything you say to her will fall on deaf ears - after all, you're the one who had college paid for. There is absolutely no chance that anything you say or do will improve this situation, so just stay out of it.

If you are incapable of biting your tongue, the most I'd say to sister is this - "I understand how unfair this is to you and I know mom and dad wish they had planned better and could help you out. That said, it is what it is. They don't have the money, that's not going to change, so the only person with any ability to act here is you. You need to decide what you want to do with the reality that you are faced with."

Definitely don't point out the opportunities she threw away - she was a teenager. I don't disagree with you, but it's not entirely fair to hold her to the same level of foresight that you would expect an adult to have. She is hardly the first 15/16 year old to prioritize partying over school, and doesn't need that thrown back in her face now. Again, planning to finance your kid's college via scholarship is not smart.

At this point, obviously, your sister is the only one who can change their behavior, but that's understandably a bitter pill to swallow.

agree with everything except that private high school was some kind of opportunity. private high schools don't make it any more likely to get academic college scholarship than do public high schools. your parents spending money on private hs was really reckless

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your parents screwed this up royally.

So how is this statement in ANY way helpful to the OP? Maybe dad wasn't wise (in retrospect, when hindsight is perfect 20/20) to put the few remaining eggs in the private high school basket for the youngest DD, and his gamble that she'd get scholarships for college didn't pay off, but it wasn't a screw-up. Sounds like little sister is the one who has blown things and now is avoiding responsibility for that and laying all blame on mom and dad for not being rich.

OP, this is between her and your parents of course, and not about you; however, I do understand it must be tough for you to see her lashing out so nastily at your parents. It sounds as if she wouldn't listen to you, so in your shoes I would focus on giving your parents your support. Let them know that you see how she's treating them, and YOU think they did their best. Your other sister should do the same.

I'm not clear on one important thing: Is youngest sister living with mom and dad right now? If so, that needs to change. If she's not working and contributing to the household (either by paying rent, however low, or by doing specific chores EVERY week to take those chores off your parents' hands), there needs to be a talk about a deadline for that happening. I admit, I'd be concerned,with her partying history, that if she moved out entirely she would be partying more and fall into a drugs/drink/party life from which she might not climb out. But she can't live with your folks and spew anger at them over their not being wealthy. So...IS she living with them now?

Yes. She lives at home with them. She never co tributes to anything but us so rude to them and Bullies them.

I feel so bad for them. they don’t deserve this.

Wellll . . . you reap what you sow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, favoritism ALWAYS divides families. ALWAYS. Your parents messed up by not giving each of you the same opportunities - it will end with resentment all around. No matter how old or successful. This is especially true if the sibling that was given every opportunity drops the ball, while the sibling that was given nothing (or less than nothing, if that is possible, in some scenarios) grows in laps and strides. I have a friend whose family is in this scenario, and my friend finally had enough of the resentment (my friend is completely self made), and alienated the spoiled sibling. Rightfully so, from what I have seen.

This. Something similar happened in my DHs family and they are still feeling the effects a quarter of a century later.

That said, the years of free rent that Sis 3 got probably add up yo a couple of years of tuition at a state school.

[Anonymous]

She is "deviated"? Where did you go to school,?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, favoritism ALWAYS divides families. ALWAYS. Your parents messed up by not giving each of you the same opportunities - it will end with resentment all around. No matter how old or successful. This is especially true if the sibling that was given every opportunity drops the ball, while the sibling that was given nothing (or less than nothing, if that is possible, in some scenarios) grows in laps and strides. I have a friend whose family is in this scenario, and my friend finally had enough of the resentment (my friend is completely self made), and alienated the spoiled sibling. Rightfully so, from what I have seen.

This. Something similar happened in my DHs family and they are still feeling the effects a quarter of a century later.

That said, the years of free rent that Sis 3 got probably add up yo a couple of years of tuition at a state school.

sorry but this is not the same at all. if it were the same why didn't the parents pay for state school? oh that's right - because her daughter living with them costs them basically nothing. it's also probably not what she wants.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you still out there? Genuinely curious if any of the perspectives offered here have changed your thinking at all?

[Anonymous]

I don't envy OP. She will forever have a strained relationship with her sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't envy OP. She will forever have a strained relationship with her sister.

OP needs to offer her sister to help pay her tuition IF she gets her shit back.

[Anonymous]

No one owes the little sister anything.

If sister has issues she should leave instead of mooching off her parents while whining about how she was treated unfairly. Seems like parents did everything they could for these kids. Sure some decisions were not made wisely, but everyone makes mistakes. They did what they thought was best for each child knowing their child’s potential. Two of them made full use of whatever opportunity was given to them and the third one blew it. There is no one to blame for her failure but her.

Expecting parents to pay for your college education is insane. It’s not that cheap. If parents fund the education then it’s a huge favor they are doing to their capable adult child, they are not obligated to do that.

Entitlement and ungratefulness run really high among the youth of this country.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you should stop calling her little sister so she can grow up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one owes the little sister anything.

If sister has issues she should leave instead of mooching off her parents while whining about how she was treated unfairly. Seems like parents did everything they could for these kids. Sure some decisions were not made wisely, but everyone makes mistakes. They did what they thought was best for each child knowing their child’s potential. Two of them made full use of whatever opportunity was given to them and the third one blew it. There is no one to blame for her failure but her.

Expecting parents to pay for your college education is insane. It’s not that cheap. If parents fund the education then it’s a huge favor they are doing to their capable adult child, they are not obligated to do that.

Entitlement and ungratefulness run really high among the youth of this country.

+1
Many PPs here seem to assume the parents are just cruel and unfair and should be forced to house an adult who makes them miserable. But I agree with this PP--the parents might have tried their best to make decisions that worked for each child, at that time, based on the family finances they had then. Some posters believe the parents should have had perfect abilities to predict the future, or should have just used an inflexible "one third each" formula...I guess, from the time the kids were all born?

I wonder if those "let them suffer for this" posters have made nothing but perfect life choices themselves?