Little sister is acting out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your parents screwed this up royally.

So how is this statement in ANY way helpful to the OP? Maybe dad wasn't wise (in retrospect, when hindsight is perfect 20/20) to put the few remaining eggs in the private high school basket for the youngest DD, and his gamble that she'd get scholarships for college didn't pay off, but it wasn't a screw-up. Sounds like little sister is the one who has blown things and now is avoiding responsibility for that and laying all blame on mom and dad for not being rich.

OP, this is between her and your parents of course, and not about you; however, I do understand it must be tough for you to see her lashing out so nastily at your parents. It sounds as if she wouldn't listen to you, so in your shoes I would focus on giving your parents your support. Let them know that you see how she's treating them, and YOU think they did their best. Your other sister should do the same.

I'm not clear on one important thing: Is youngest sister living with mom and dad right now? If so, that needs to change. If she's not working and contributing to the household (either by paying rent, however low, or by doing specific chores EVERY week to take those chores off your parents' hands), there needs to be a talk about a deadline for that happening. I admit, I'd be concerned,with her partying history, that if she moved out entirely she would be partying more and fall into a drugs/drink/party life from which she might not climb out. But she can't live with your folks and spew anger at them over their not being wealthy. So...IS she living with them now?

Yes. She lives at home with them. She never co tributes to anything but us so rude to them and Bullies them.

I feel so bad for them. they don’t deserve this.

They kind of do for such blatant favoritism. It is easy for you to say they don’t deserve it, your college was paid for.

Grow up already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your parents screwed this up royally.

So how is this statement in ANY way helpful to the OP? Maybe dad wasn't wise (in retrospect, when hindsight is perfect 20/20) to put the few remaining eggs in the private high school basket for the youngest DD, and his gamble that she'd get scholarships for college didn't pay off, but it wasn't a screw-up. Sounds like little sister is the one who has blown things and now is avoiding responsibility for that and laying all blame on mom and dad for not being rich.

OP, this is between her and your parents of course, and not about you; however, I do understand it must be tough for you to see her lashing out so nastily at your parents. It sounds as if she wouldn't listen to you, so in your shoes I would focus on giving your parents your support. Let them know that you see how she's treating them, and YOU think they did their best. Your other sister should do the same.

I'm not clear on one important thing: Is youngest sister living with mom and dad right now? If so, that needs to change. If she's not working and contributing to the household (either by paying rent, however low, or by doing specific chores EVERY week to take those chores off your parents' hands), there needs to be a talk about a deadline for that happening. I admit, I'd be concerned,with her partying history, that if she moved out entirely she would be partying more and fall into a drugs/drink/party life from which she might not climb out. But she can't live with your folks and spew anger at them over their not being wealthy. So...IS she living with them now?

Yes. She lives at home with them. She never co tributes to anything but us so rude to them and Bullies them.

I feel so bad for them. they don’t deserve this.

They kind of do for such blatant favoritism. It is easy for you to say they don’t deserve it, your college was paid for.

Grow up already.

Ha. I am well past grown up and I would never treat my kids so unfairly.

[Anonymous]

My parents paid for my older brothers college and said they couldn’t afford mine. I’m still paying back loans and he’s got a way easier life. My parents are dead now but it honestly does suck. Can’t blame little sis for being pissed. Maybe what she needs is some empathy because her parents screwed up. Yes, that happens, but it doesn’t sound like anyone is sorry or feels badly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your parents screwed this up royally.

So how is this statement in ANY way helpful to the OP? Maybe dad wasn't wise (in retrospect, when hindsight is perfect 20/20) to put the few remaining eggs in the private high school basket for the youngest DD, and his gamble that she'd get scholarships for college didn't pay off, but it wasn't a screw-up. Sounds like little sister is the one who has blown things and now is avoiding responsibility for that and laying all blame on mom and dad for not being rich.

OP, this is between her and your parents of course, and not about you; however, I do understand it must be tough for you to see her lashing out so nastily at your parents. It sounds as if she wouldn't listen to you, so in your shoes I would focus on giving your parents your support. Let them know that you see how she's treating them, and YOU think they did their best. Your other sister should do the same.

I'm not clear on one important thing: Is youngest sister living with mom and dad right now? If so, that needs to change. If she's not working and contributing to the household (either by paying rent, however low, or by doing specific chores EVERY week to take those chores off your parents' hands), there needs to be a talk about a deadline for that happening. I admit, I'd be concerned,with her partying history, that if she moved out entirely she would be partying more and fall into a drugs/drink/party life from which she might not climb out. But she can't live with your folks and spew anger at them over their not being wealthy. So...IS she living with them now?

Yes. She lives at home with them. She never co tributes to anything but us so rude to them and Bullies them.

I feel so bad for them. they don’t deserve this.

They kind of do for such blatant favoritism. It is easy for you to say they don’t deserve it, your college was paid for.

Grow up already.

Ha. I am well past grown up and I would never treat my kids so unfairly.

You sound entitled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your parents screwed this up royally.

So how is this statement in ANY way helpful to the OP? Maybe dad wasn't wise (in retrospect, when hindsight is perfect 20/20) to put the few remaining eggs in the private high school basket for the youngest DD, and his gamble that she'd get scholarships for college didn't pay off, but it wasn't a screw-up. Sounds like little sister is the one who has blown things and now is avoiding responsibility for that and laying all blame on mom and dad for not being rich.

OP, this is between her and your parents of course, and not about you; however, I do understand it must be tough for you to see her lashing out so nastily at your parents. It sounds as if she wouldn't listen to you, so in your shoes I would focus on giving your parents your support. Let them know that you see how she's treating them, and YOU think they did their best. Your other sister should do the same.

I'm not clear on one important thing: Is youngest sister living with mom and dad right now? If so, that needs to change. If she's not working and contributing to the household (either by paying rent, however low, or by doing specific chores EVERY week to take those chores off your parents' hands), there needs to be a talk about a deadline for that happening. I admit, I'd be concerned,with her partying history, that if she moved out entirely she would be partying more and fall into a drugs/drink/party life from which she might not climb out. But she can't live with your folks and spew anger at them over their not being wealthy. So...IS she living with them now?

Yes. She lives at home with them. She never co tributes to anything but us so rude to them and Bullies them.

I feel so bad for them. they don’t deserve this.

They kind of do for such blatant favoritism. It is easy for you to say they don’t deserve it, your college was paid for.

Grow up already.

Ha. I am well past grown up and I would never treat my kids so unfairly.

You sound entitled.

You sound like a sociopath for think this was Ok and fair enough and that there is no reason for the sister’s resentments.

FWIW I grew up very poor so I have BTDT with lack of money for college etc. my parents were careful to keep what money they had shared more or less equally. We didn’t all pursue the same path but they paid about the same amount for each of us, the rest we had to provide.

[Anonymous]

I don't believe in pretending that each kid has the same needs. Kids should know we treat them as unique individuals... with different needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents paid for my older brothers college and said they couldn’t afford mine. I’m still paying back loans and he’s got a way easier life. My parents are dead now but it honestly does suck. Can’t blame little sis for being pissed. Maybe what she needs is some empathy because her parents screwed up. Yes, that happens, but it doesn’t sound like anyone is sorry or feels badly.

You have no idea, based on anything OP has told us, that the parents are not sorry or don't "feel badly." For all you know, they may be kicking themselves daily for not coming up with some perfect "a third for each child" scheme before the oldest (OP) started college. But it's so easy to say long after the fact what they should have done. For all we know, they may not have realized how expensive college for one kid would be, and/or there was a job loss or change that messed up a "fairer" plan they had in mind. Maybe they relied far too much on advice from youngest DD's school, which seems to have told them she had big academic promise in middle school. Read the original post--the parents paid to put her into a private HS since she had been ID'd as promising. Should they have saved that money for college instead? Sure, that's clear now, but you don't know what the family was working with in terms of job prospects etc. And it sounds like youngest DD blew the private HS opportunity on her own.

The real issue OP raises is not rehashing what the parents did and didn't do in the past, even if they made poor choices then. The issue here and now is that the youngest DD is immature, furious and raging at them in their own home constantly. Immature can't get fixed by anyone else, and furious is somewhat understandable, but today's behavior by little sister helps her in no way and OP sees it hurts her parents. Some PPs seem to think the parents deserve 24/7 toxicity in their home as payback for poor financial choices that were not made out of meanness toward little sister.

OP: Ask your parents what they want. Your sister sounds like she needs to get a job and get out. Maybe talk up how good she was in the job you mentioned working with kids and help connect her to jobs like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't believe in pretending that each kid has the same needs. Kids should know we treat them as unique individuals... with different needs.

There is a good saying about that: "Fair does not mean giving each child the same thing. Fair means giving each child what she needs."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents didn’t make much money and what little they had they spent on my college education...I tell her to enroll in a college and pay her way through...What to do?

Perhaps acknowledge that you lucked out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Part of this is on your parents. She should have stayed in public and they should have paid for each kid to go to the state university to save cost. They should not have paid for you and not the others. That is really crappy. You should have helped your siblings.

I agree.

I feel sorry for middle sister.

Oldest got college paid for.

Youngest got expensive private school paid for.

Middle had to drop out and do it on her own, working her way through life.

Poor Jan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your parents screwed this up royally.

So how is this statement in ANY way helpful to the OP? Maybe dad wasn't wise (in retrospect, when hindsight is perfect 20/20) to put the few remaining eggs in the private high school basket for the youngest DD, and his gamble that she'd get scholarships for college didn't pay off, but it wasn't a screw-up. Sounds like little sister is the one who has blown things and now is avoiding responsibility for that and laying all blame on mom and dad for not being rich.

OP, this is between her and your parents of course, and not about you; however, I do understand it must be tough for you to see her lashing out so nastily at your parents. It sounds as if she wouldn't listen to you, so in your shoes I would focus on giving your parents your support. Let them know that you see how she's treating them, and YOU think they did their best. Your other sister should do the same.

I'm not clear on one important thing: Is youngest sister living with mom and dad right now? If so, that needs to change. If she's not working and contributing to the household (either by paying rent, however low, or by doing specific chores EVERY week to take those chores off your parents' hands), there needs to be a talk about a deadline for that happening. I admit, I'd be concerned,with her partying history, that if she moved out entirely she would be partying more and fall into a drugs/drink/party life from which she might not climb out. But she can't live with your folks and spew anger at them over their not being wealthy. So...IS she living with them now?

Uh, instead of giving 3 kids 1/3 of a college fund they gave 100% to one kid? My 5 yo understands fairness better than this. I am LOLing at the OP’s hand ringing about what she should do. Unless she wants. To help pay for college, she should butt out.

+ 1

OP needs to butt out because the sister is right, she did screw her over (maybe inadvertently rather than deliberately but still).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't believe in pretending that each kid has the same needs. Kids should know we treat them as unique individuals... with different needs.

There is a good saying about that: "Fair does not mean giving each child the same thing. Fair means giving each child what she needs."

lol

So the OP should get 100% of the parents' college fund and sister #3 gets zip?

I think you'd be hard pressed to find anyone who honestly thinks that's fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't believe in pretending that each kid has the same needs. Kids should know we treat them as unique individuals... with different needs.

There is a good saying about that: "Fair does not mean giving each child the same thing. Fair means giving each child what she needs."

Exactly. Why didn't the "smart" kid go for the scholarships?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your parents screwed this up royally.

So how is this statement in ANY way helpful to the OP? Maybe dad wasn't wise (in retrospect, when hindsight is perfect 20/20) to put the few remaining eggs in the private high school basket for the youngest DD, and his gamble that she'd get scholarships for college didn't pay off, but it wasn't a screw-up. Sounds like little sister is the one who has blown things and now is avoiding responsibility for that and laying all blame on mom and dad for not being rich.

OP, this is between her and your parents of course, and not about you; however, I do understand it must be tough for you to see her lashing out so nastily at your parents. It sounds as if she wouldn't listen to you, so in your shoes I would focus on giving your parents your support. Let them know that you see how she's treating them, and YOU think they did their best. Your other sister should do the same.

I'm not clear on one important thing: Is youngest sister living with mom and dad right now? If so, that needs to change. If she's not working and contributing to the household (either by paying rent, however low, or by doing specific chores EVERY week to take those chores off your parents' hands), there needs to be a talk about a deadline for that happening. I admit, I'd be concerned,with her partying history, that if she moved out entirely she would be partying more and fall into a drugs/drink/party life from which she might not climb out. But she can't live with your folks and spew anger at them over their not being wealthy. So...IS she living with them now?

Yes. She lives at home with them. She never co tributes to anything but us so rude to them and Bullies them.

I feel so bad for them. they don’t deserve this.

uh they actually do

[Anonymous]

OP, given the issues surrounding who got college paid for, I think you need to stay out of this. This is between your sister and your parents, and they need to work it out. You butting in will not go well--you can't make anyone do anything, and whether or not you think it's justified, your sister resents you. You are not a neutral third party, and it's not your house or your money.