ugh... ILs here and DH regressing into child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait, if they only live two hours away from you, why are they staying for a week?

To spend time with DD, Of course. DH is on vacation. We usually rent a cottage, but I couldn’t get the time off work this year.

If DH Is on vacation, and you are working, you shouldn’t have to lift a damn finger. Stop with the getting up early and let DH cope with all this. It doesn’t have to be perfect.

+1

Why ARE you lifting a finger, OP?

+2
I thought OP was a SAHM. Her DH can take over the chores since he's at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just keep your family routine as normal for cooking and shopping.

You almost have to have the mindset of being a single parent for the next week b/c your DH will be busy waiting hand & foot on his parents and totally making them feel comfortable, etc. and not be much of a help at all with parenting duties.

You know your toddler isn't going to eat brats & sauerkrat for dinner for the next 5 nights so just make something you and the kid will eat. Stop at the store on your way back from work to pick up needed items, etc.
Like I said, just think of it as solo parenting for the next few days.

But I’m the one waiting hand and foot. I’m cooking, doing the extra cleaning and laundry, etc., so they can visit. I’m up long before everyone, making sure the kitchen is clean, bathrooms are stocked, and the coffee and breakfast are ready. I’m also watching DD most of the time, other than when they want to take her to the park. I stepped out to take the garbage out the other night and 3 adults totally lost track of her, even though I said I was stepping outside for 5minutes,

Don't expect them to look after your child. If you need to leave her, say in a clear loud voice in front of everyone, "I'm going out for x minutes. DH, I would like you to watch her the whole time I'm gone."

WTF?

This is why OP is so annoyed. If I had to remind my husband to not lose my baby while I took the trash out, he would be getting the riot act. This is obnoxious behavior. You can’t just decide that you are doing zero parenting because you have guests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH needs to step up as host/food provider and you need to unclench about décor and radio stations.

Also I think you might want to offer the toddler some of their preferred food--you know, just in case toddler likes it!

I am offering. She will eat some, but I like a more rounded diet for her.

Like I said, I am mixing up what I am making. One night “our” food, one night “theirs”.But the next week, apparently I am making German food only.

Why do you allow your DH to have so much power over you? You're the one cooking the dinner. You can't stop him cooking his own dinner, but you can refuse to cook it. Does DH earn all the money? Any other reason you think he's the boss?

It’s not a fight I’m interesting in having while we have guests. I’m just frustrated that he’s totally become incompetent. I do want him to visit with them, as they don’t visit often, but I’m just tired of it being a one way show, and him stomping his feet when I ask that my needs also be met. It’s not worth a blowout at this point, though. Maybe when they leave.

So, don’t have a blowout. Just change YOUR behavior. That’s all you have control over anyways.

Stop waking up before everyone else to get everything ready. Don’t make a big announcement and about it,just stop doing it. As for dinner, suggest take out., or suggest that DH cooks. It’s okay if you come home and say you are tired. I also find that saying “Okay” and then doing whatever you want works well. Just say “Okay, honey” then go ahead and make some broccoli and pasta for DD. As long as you smile and say okay it’s easy enough to avoid a fight while you have guests.

[Anonymous]

Just commiserating OP. And at least your DH regresses in a way that indicates thoughtfulness towards his parents. My DH makes his mom wash his laundry, and cook him his favorite foods, and rub his stomach because he ate too much :cringe:

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just keep your family routine as normal for cooking and shopping.

You almost have to have the mindset of being a single parent for the next week b/c your DH will be busy waiting hand & foot on his parents and totally making them feel comfortable, etc. and not be much of a help at all with parenting duties.

You know your toddler isn't going to eat brats & sauerkrat for dinner for the next 5 nights so just make something you and the kid will eat. Stop at the store on your way back from work to pick up needed items, etc.
Like I said, just think of it as solo parenting for the next few days.

But I’m the one waiting hand and foot. I’m cooking, doing the extra cleaning and laundry, etc., so they can visit. I’m up long before everyone, making sure the kitchen is clean, bathrooms are stocked, and the coffee and breakfast are ready. I’m also watching DD most of the time, other than when they want to take her to the park. I stepped out to take the garbage out the other night and 3 adults totally lost track of her, even though I said I was stepping outside for 5minutes,

Don't expect them to look after your child. If you need to leave her, say in a clear loud voice in front of everyone, "I'm going out for x minutes. DH, I would like you to watch her the whole time I'm gone."

WTF?

This is why OP is so annoyed. If I had to remind my husband to not lose my baby while I took the trash out, he would be getting the riot act. This is obnoxious behavior. You can’t just decide that you are doing zero parenting because you have guests.

OP made a fuss about how there were "3 adults" and yet they lost track of the toddler. I said she should not expect the grandparents to be involved in supervision at all. That's what I meant by "them". And by explicitly reminding DH that he's on duty, he won't be tempted to relax and think there are other people watching the child either.

I agree that none of that should be necessary, but OP seems to love drama and loves to invite these people into her house, so she has to make a few concessions. Personally, I'd refuse to have them stay at our house. Not interested in dealing with my own kids plus 3 others.

[Anonymous]

Um...

He sounds like he is being a good host and adulting.

You sound like you are tantruming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just commiserating OP. And at least your DH regresses in a way that indicates thoughtfulness towards his parents. My DH makes his mom wash his laundry, and cook him his favorite foods, and rub his stomach because he ate too much :cringe:

OMG. Op, I feel for you, but here's your reminder that it could be worse.

If it helps, I remember that my husband and I used to slip into our childhood roles vis a vis our parents for the first 4 or 5 years we were married. We slowly evolved into a unit that dealt with all relatives in a way that worked for both of us. Thankfully. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just keep your family routine as normal for cooking and shopping.

You almost have to have the mindset of being a single parent for the next week b/c your DH will be busy waiting hand & foot on his parents and totally making them feel comfortable, etc. and not be much of a help at all with parenting duties.

You know your toddler isn't going to eat brats & sauerkrat for dinner for the next 5 nights so just make something you and the kid will eat. Stop at the store on your way back from work to pick up needed items, etc.
Like I said, just think of it as solo parenting for the next few days.

But I’m the one waiting hand and foot. I’m cooking, doing the extra cleaning and laundry, etc., so they can visit. I’m up long before everyone, making sure the kitchen is clean, bathrooms are stocked, and the coffee and breakfast are ready. I’m also watching DD most of the time, other than when they want to take her to the park. I stepped out to take the garbage out the other night and 3 adults totally lost track of her, even though I said I was stepping outside for 5minutes,

Don't expect them to look after your child. If you need to leave her, say in a clear loud voice in front of everyone, "I'm going out for x minutes. DH, I would like you to watch her the whole time I'm gone."

WTF?

This is why OP is so annoyed. If I had to remind my husband to not lose my baby while I took the trash out, he would be getting the riot act. This is obnoxious behavior. You can’t just decide that you are doing zero parenting because you have guests.

I’m curious what losing track of a toddler inside your home where your toddler lives looks like. Did she unlock the front door and wander into oncoming traffic, or did she go play in the playroom and DH wasn’t quite sure where she went? Did she go get a sharp knife and decide to slice up some peaches because she was starving from only having German food or did she go read a book in her room?

Also, I get complaining if he insisted you go get some stoneware mugs out of storage, but if he got mugs they like on his own, that’s just being a good host. My parents drink lots of soda. They only drink out of individual bottles. I’m not sure what size, maybe 12-16 oz. We don’t drink that. If we do get soda on a rare occasion, we get a 2L and drink it in glasses with ice and a reusable straw. When my parents visit, I don’t tell them to suck it up because when in Rome... I buy the bottles in the size and deal with the tiny inconvenience of having those bottles in my fridge and losing the space to something silly like that. It bugs DH that there’s so much extra waste, but he understands that when we host, we should cater to our guests’ preferences to a certain extent. Like bottles vs. glasses or stoneware vs. glass mugs.

[Anonymous]

I feel bad for the husband. Not exactly a fun vacation, if you are spending it caught in the middle where if you please one, you displease another.

[Anonymous]

Stop permitting it. You care for yourself and the child, period. When asked, you say "I'm just about finished with breakfast/ snack/ supper for [child] so I'm going to bed. You have a fun day/ afternoon/ evening/ weekend!" Repeat and change as needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um...

He sounds like he is being a good host and adulting.

You sound like you are tantruming.

Adults can cook for themselves and their guests. Adults don't expect other adults to do that for them, especially when they are not working and other adults are. Adults can take care of a child. OP's husband does none of these things, which reflects negatively on her for marrying a moron and him for being one.

[Anonymous]

Wait, your DH is on vacation? Give him a list of things he needs to do to take care of the guests. Now I see why you are upset. You are doing all the work while he sits there doing nothing, and he is dictating how you do it. Can he cook at all? Make him cook every other night and then you cook your food the other nights.

Next year, tell your DH to take the kid or kids to his parents and you get a week off!

[Anonymous]

Your husband is regressing to being the child of his parents. This sounds very annoying, but I don't think you're going to be able to change many things. However, if you don't want to watch four hours of Alpine singing, then just go about your business after a while. If they comment or seem surprised, so what? Just say that you have to do laundry/pay bills/catch up on email/call your sister/whatever. You and DH need to talk after they leave and discuss the food situation. While it wouldn't kill your child to try German food all week long, let's face it: German food isn't that great, and it's important for your child to eat and for there to be enough food for everyone! Why your DH is against ensuring sufficient quantity is beyond me. And why the heck are you doing all the cooking?? Especially when they are all on vacation and you are working?? Let the three other adults take on some of the kitchen duties. Scale back the other housework (getting up early to make sure the house is clean?) and make your choices. If your DH stamps his foot, so what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m really trying to be charitable, but my normally, well, normal, DH has completely regressed into some kind of child with the ILs visiting. He refuses to set boundaries or “inconvenience” them in any way. This goes from me putting out mugs he decided they would think we’re “weird” and changing them (clear glass to regular stoneware), changing the radio station to their kind of music (in a language I don’t understand), choosing only activities that they may like (I understand this one). I’m working today, so they went shopping, but came home with only enough meat for two people, while there is four adults and a ravenous toddler, because “they don’t eat much”. Rather than top up the meat they DID get, DH didn’t do anything, and then got mad at me for suggesting we make something in addition. Then, he planned the next 5 days of food to reflect what they eat, rather than what we eat as a family (I’ve been making a mixture of both). I do all the cooking, and have no desire to feed a toddler sauerkraut and different sausages for the next week, and nor do I want to. Now I’ll be making two meals and dealing with the stink eye that I’m not playing along. It’s just like with them here, he’s forgotten he’s an independent adult and he just goes along with anything that will make them happy, even if it makes DD an I uncomfortable.

I know I can work around it, and just suck it up for the next week, but I hate when they visit, because he turns totally into a different person.

Can anyone commiserate?

This part is easy. When dinner is service, make sure the kids get enough food. After that, service yourself a normal portion of food. If there is not enough food it’s on the ones who did not buy it. It works it’s self out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just keep your family routine as normal for cooking and shopping.

You almost have to have the mindset of being a single parent for the next week b/c your DH will be busy waiting hand & foot on his parents and totally making them feel comfortable, etc. and not be much of a help at all with parenting duties.

You know your toddler isn't going to eat brats & sauerkrat for dinner for the next 5 nights so just make something you and the kid will eat. Stop at the store on your way back from work to pick up needed items, etc.
Like I said, just think of it as solo parenting for the next few days.

But I’m the one waiting hand and foot. I’m cooking, doing the extra cleaning and laundry, etc., so they can visit. I’m up long before everyone, making sure the kitchen is clean, bathrooms are stocked, and the coffee and breakfast are ready. I’m also watching DD most of the time, other than when they want to take her to the park. I stepped out to take the garbage out the other night and 3 adults totally lost track of her, even though I said I was stepping outside for 5minutes,

Don't expect them to look after your child. If you need to leave her, say in a clear loud voice in front of everyone, "I'm going out for x minutes. DH, I would like you to watch her the whole time I'm gone."

WTF?

This is why OP is so annoyed. If I had to remind my husband to not lose my baby while I took the trash out, he would be getting the riot act. This is obnoxious behavior. You can’t just decide that you are doing zero parenting because you have guests.

I’m curious what losing track of a toddler inside your home where your toddler lives looks like. Did she unlock the front door and wander into oncoming traffic, or did she go play in the playroom and DH wasn’t quite sure where she went? Did she go get a sharp knife and decide to slice up some peaches because she was starving from only having German food or did she go read a book in her room?

Also, I get complaining if he insisted you go get some stoneware mugs out of storage, but if he got mugs they like on his own, that’s just being a good host. My parents drink lots of soda. They only drink out of individual bottles. I’m not sure what size, maybe 12-16 oz. We don’t drink that. If we do get soda on a rare occasion, we get a 2L and drink it in glasses with ice and a reusable straw. When my parents visit, I don’t tell them to suck it up because when in Rome... I buy the bottles in the size and deal with the tiny inconvenience of having those bottles in my fridge and losing the space to something silly like that. It bugs DH that there’s so much extra waste, but he understands that when we host, we should cater to our guests’ preferences to a certain extent. Like bottles vs. glasses or stoneware vs. glass mugs.

Uh, what? No way would I buy the specific size that they drink out of. Maybe I’m just a bad host.