ugh... ILs here and DH regressing into child?

[Anonymous]

I’m really trying to be charitable, but my normally, well, normal, DH has completely regressed into some kind of child with the ILs visiting. He refuses to set boundaries or “inconvenience” them in any way. This goes from me putting out mugs he decided they would think we’re “weird” and changing them (clear glass to regular stoneware), changing the radio station to their kind of music (in a language I don’t understand), choosing only activities that they may like (I understand this one). I’m working today, so they went shopping, but came home with only enough meat for two people, while there is four adults and a ravenous toddler, because “they don’t eat much”. Rather than top up the meat they DID get, DH didn’t do anything, and then got mad at me for suggesting we make something in addition. Then, he planned the next 5 days of food to reflect what they eat, rather than what we eat as a family (I’ve been making a mixture of both). I do all the cooking, and have no desire to feed a toddler sauerkraut and different sausages for the next week, and nor do I want to. Now I’ll be making two meals and dealing with the stink eye that I’m not playing along. It’s just like with them here, he’s forgotten he’s an independent adult and he just goes along with anything that will make them happy, even if it makes DD an I uncomfortable.

I know I can work around it, and just suck it up for the next week, but I hate when they visit, because he turns totally into a different person.

Can anyone commiserate?

[Anonymous]

You're the one acting like a child.

If they speak German (my guess based on your obnoxious descriptions), why would you not offer to have the radio on a station they would feel comfortable with? That's a TINY accommodation to make them feel welcomed?

You are NOT "really trying to be charitable." At ALL.

[Anonymous]

Tell DH he had darned well better a) be sure there is enough food for everyone and b) be willing to cook if he's the one planning all the meals outside the norm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're the one acting like a child.

If they speak German (my guess based on your obnoxious descriptions), why would you not offer to have the radio on a station they would feel comfortable with? That's a TINY accommodation to make them feel welcomed?

You are NOT "really trying to be charitable." At ALL.

I don’t mind the radio station some of the time. I’m talking 24/7, it MUST be German music, radio, TV, food, etc., like there is no other option (they have been here for 30 years). We watched 4 hours of videos of people singing in the alps on YouTube the other night. When I tried to go do something else, you know, to be charitable and let DH just visit with them, everyone was offended that I did not find these the most thrilling things on the planet. I don’t even watch things I LIKE for 4 hours.

[Anonymous]

Look, the food I get. He should be helping you cook and shouldn't be giving you a difficult time if you make sides or something different for your toddler. The other 3 things aren't a big deal and make you sound like a brat

[Anonymous]

Just keep your family routine as normal for cooking and shopping.

You almost have to have the mindset of being a single parent for the next week b/c your DH will be busy waiting hand & foot on his parents and totally making them feel comfortable, etc. and not be much of a help at all with parenting duties.

You know your toddler isn't going to eat brats & sauerkrat for dinner for the next 5 nights so just make something you and the kid will eat. Stop at the store on your way back from work to pick up needed items, etc.
Like I said, just think of it as solo parenting for the next few days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He refuses to set boundaries or “inconvenience” them in any way. This goes from me putting out mugs he decided they would think we’re “weird” and changing them (clear glass to regular stoneware), changing the radio station to their kind of music (in a language I don’t understand), choosing only activities that they may like (I understand this one).

This sounds like good hosting, rather than "not setting boundaries" or "not inconveniencing them." Wouldn't you like a host to pick out the kind of mug they know you prefer? Play the music you like? Make plans you'll enjoy? This would go double if you were visiting another country (or a city you're not familiar with) and were 20-30 years older than you currently are.

As for the food, if your husband isn't willing or able to cook, then work together with him to plan food that you are happy making and eating but that your guests will also enjoy.

[Anonymous]

It sounds to me like he is trying to be a gracious host.

[Anonymous]

You should keep cooking exactly what you normally eat as a family. Outright refuse to cook another meal. His parents can have their abendbrot themselves based on things your DH has picked up at the store (unless you're a gluten free family, in which case they can eat only the bread that you allow into your house). It's what many Germans do anyway. Who cares about the stinkeye.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just keep your family routine as normal for cooking and shopping.

You almost have to have the mindset of being a single parent for the next week b/c your DH will be busy waiting hand & foot on his parents and totally making them feel comfortable, etc. and not be much of a help at all with parenting duties.

You know your toddler isn't going to eat brats & sauerkrat for dinner for the next 5 nights so just make something you and the kid will eat. Stop at the store on your way back from work to pick up needed items, etc.
Like I said, just think of it as solo parenting for the next few days.

But I’m the one waiting hand and foot. I’m cooking, doing the extra cleaning and laundry, etc., so they can visit. I’m up long before everyone, making sure the kitchen is clean, bathrooms are stocked, and the coffee and breakfast are ready. I’m also watching DD most of the time, other than when they want to take her to the park. I stepped out to take the garbage out the other night and 3 adults totally lost track of her, even though I said I was stepping outside for 5minutes,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just keep your family routine as normal for cooking and shopping.

You almost have to have the mindset of being a single parent for the next week b/c your DH will be busy waiting hand & foot on his parents and totally making them feel comfortable, etc. and not be much of a help at all with parenting duties.

You know your toddler isn't going to eat brats & sauerkrat for dinner for the next 5 nights so just make something you and the kid will eat. Stop at the store on your way back from work to pick up needed items, etc.
Like I said, just think of it as solo parenting for the next few days.

But I’m the one waiting hand and foot. I’m cooking, doing the extra cleaning and laundry, etc., so they can visit. I’m up long before everyone, making sure the kitchen is clean, bathrooms are stocked, and the coffee and breakfast are ready. I’m also watching DD most of the time, other than when they want to take her to the park. I stepped out to take the garbage out the other night and 3 adults totally lost track of her, even though I said I was stepping outside for 5minutes,

Don't expect them to look after your child. If you need to leave her, say in a clear loud voice in front of everyone, "I'm going out for x minutes. DH, I would like you to watch her the whole time I'm gone."

[Anonymous]

DH needs to step up as host/food provider and you need to unclench about décor and radio stations.

Also I think you might want to offer the toddler some of their preferred food--you know, just in case toddler likes it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He refuses to set boundaries or “inconvenience” them in any way. This goes from me putting out mugs he decided they would think we’re “weird” and changing them (clear glass to regular stoneware), changing the radio station to their kind of music (in a language I don’t understand), choosing only activities that they may like (I understand this one).

This sounds like good hosting, rather than "not setting boundaries" or "not inconveniencing them." Wouldn't you like a host to pick out the kind of mug they know you prefer? Play the music you like? Make plans you'll enjoy? This would go double if you were visiting another country (or a city you're not familiar with) and were 20-30 years older than you currently are.

As for the food, if your husband isn't willing or able to cook, then work together with him to plan food that you are happy making and eating but that your guests will also enjoy.

Seriously? I set out the mugs we normally use.

They are not visiting out of the country. They are 2 hours from home. They have been here before. I don’t think offering clear glass mugs that were in the cupboard instead of stoneware ones that were inaccessible should be a huge hardship for them to overcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, the food I get. He should be helping you cook and shouldn't be giving you a difficult time if you make sides or something different for your toddler. The other 3 things aren't a big deal and make you sound like a brat

OP is probably hangry. I get it, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH needs to step up as host/food provider and you need to unclench about décor and radio stations.

Also I think you might want to offer the toddler some of their preferred food--you know, just in case toddler likes it!

I am offering. She will eat some, but I like a more rounded diet for her.

Like I said, I am mixing up what I am making. One night “our” food, one night “theirs”.But the next week, apparently I am making German food only.