Husband's Parents very Clearly Love one Drandson, but not the Other

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have a husband problem. Honestly, if DH goes separately to his parents and reads them the riot act, and you don't see immediate improvement in their behavior, then I would divorce DH over this.

The type of person who would threaten to go for full custody due to you wanting to protect your kids...is that really someone you want to be married to?

PP here, I should say, if there is no improvement and DH still doesn't want to cut off contact with his parents, I would definitely consider divorce.

[Anonymous]

Do your in laws have other children? Other grandndchikdren? Is your husband hoping to inherit money from them?

[Anonymous]

OP, I lived your exact situation. I was the favorite grandchild and my siblings were completely ignored by my grandparents. My grandparents were local. We saw them maybe once a year because of the crap that they pulled. They would often get me a gift and show up with nothing for my siblings. I was offered things and my siblings were told they couldn’t have them by my grandparents. The reason was that I was the oldest, and being the oldest I was deserving of their love and their money, but my siblings were not ( simply because they were not first born ). My parents absolutely would’ve divorced over this, except my father agreed with my mother and pulled back on his relationship with his own parents. He was treated the exact same way by his grandparents and finally was able to see how damaging it really was. When we were teenagers we were given the choice as to whether not we wanted to see my grandparents. All three of us chose not to. I can safely say that my siblings that I actually hated them for what they had done. The lack of relationship was their fault. They’re gone now… None of us shed one tear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do your in laws have other children? Other grandndchikdren? Is your husband hoping to inherit money from them?

I was also curious about the financial aspect. Is your DH their only child? Are your children their only grandchildren? Is DH hoping that they will pay for your children’s education? Maybe he’s counting on a big inheritance and doesn’t want to rock the boat? Are you guys having a hard time with money?

I’m just trying to understand why he feels so indebted to them. It’s kind of weird for adults with jobs and their own income to feel this level of control from their parents over something as mundane as funding college decades ago.

[Anonymous]

I read the OP’s comment about the grandparents paying for college as meaning they had promised to pay for the kids’ college, and that’s why the husband feels indebted. Even if so, this is no reason to allow your children to be treated this way.

[Anonymous]

Does your Dh not see that he’s choosing money and himself over his children? Both his sones are being damaged by this and it’s almost too late to do anything about it. He and you will likely lose the good relationship you have with your 15year old when he’s a little older and realizes that you did not stand up for him or protect him.

[Anonymous]

Your husband should be standing up for his children, and if he’s threatening divorce over this, then let him go.

There’s a difference in life regarding fairness and equality, but your child isn’t being treated with grandparents are making their preference clear, and that would be never cool with me.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the pp who suggested avoiding all contact without making some sort of dramatic announcement. If you husband wants to continue to have contact (with or without the kids) that is outside of your control, but I would not plan or participate in any contact. I think you need to talk frankly (perhaps separately) with both kids about this harmful dynamic. DS15 needs to know that this is not his fault and that he is a good person and deserving of love (if it seems like the grandparent's behavior is really bothering him, maybe he should even do a couple sessions with a therapitst). DS14 needs to know that it can feel really good to be favored, but that it's a hurtful way to operate, and people who play favorites can also turn on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should have told them a long time ago, equal gifts to both of them or no gifts at all. Treat both the same or stay away.

+1
The gifts don't have to be the same, but I would tell them that if they pull something like the XBox thing again, DS14 is not getting their gift, and neither son will get any gifts from them in the future. I'd throw the damn thing in the trash if I had to. You will not condone or participate in blatant favoritism like that. DS14 does not get to do fun stuff with them if they continue to exclude DS15.

And for God's sake, stop making your son spend time with people who are so cruel to him.

And you have a huge husband problem. The fact that your husband thinks it's okay for his parents to treat his son that way is infuriating.

[Anonymous]

You don't have to go no contact. But you need very limited contact, and only when you are all there together. They are never to see the boys alone. They've lost that privilege. And then you and your DH need to buck and stand UP for your 15 yo.

They are poisoning your son's relationship long term. Killing it in fact. These slights and comments and favor are ACID on their sibling bond. And you are watching from the side lines.

I would not let anyone threaten my family like that.

I think you are your DH need some counseling.

[Anonymous]

All the grandparents I know are very similar to yours. Sadly, but in my experience it is true. Your younger DS didn't do anything wrong, cutting off grandparents would punish him, not just them. And to be pragmatic, is your DH in line to inherit quite a bit of money in the future? So, make sure your older understands they suck in how they treat him. It isn't fair, and you don't allow it in your presence and you don't expose him to them, but don't punish the younger one. I do the same with my kids. FIL is a chauvinist pig and just about hates all his granddaughters, including my teen DD. I limit contact to a minimum, heck less than a minimum. I make sure she know what he is doing is not fair, not nice and just mean and rude, and she does, she is 16. He even asked me the other day why she never calls him?! That is a tactic to blame her for his unacceptable behavior. I plain told him she know you don't care one fig about her, so why should she? Other granddaughters also avoid him. Grandsons are now realizing what a nasty bigot grandpa is. It all levels out somehow. Sadly my mom is the same, grandson, grandson. She does compensate to my DD by buying her million things, though. My dad is the only one who adores my DD and sadly he has severe dementia now, but he still calls her his princess. So, limit as much as possible, but find a way not to punish your younger son. What I am trying to say in my long not so summed up post, is that this is sadly how I've seen in in most families.

[Anonymous]

It is not all lioe that in our family! It is not normal or ok. ^^^
This bad for the relationship between your sons, and the relationship between you and your husband and sons, because you should ALL be sticking up for your oldest boy. I would stay away from them. For ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All the grandparents I know are very similar to yours. Sadly, but in my experience it is true. Your younger DS didn't do anything wrong, cutting off grandparents would punish him, not just them. And to be pragmatic, is your DH in line to inherit quite a bit of money in the future? So, make sure your older understands they suck in how they treat him. It isn't fair, and you don't allow it in your presence and you don't expose him to them, but don't punish the younger one. I do the same with my kids. FIL is a chauvinist pig and just about hates all his granddaughters, including my teen DD. I limit contact to a minimum, heck less than a minimum. I make sure she know what he is doing is not fair, not nice and just mean and rude, and she does, she is 16. He even asked me the other day why she never calls him?! That is a tactic to blame her for his unacceptable behavior. I plain told him she know you don't care one fig about her, so why should she? Other granddaughters also avoid him. Grandsons are now realizing what a nasty bigot grandpa is. It all levels out somehow. Sadly my mom is the same, grandson, grandson. She does compensate to my DD by buying her million things, though. My dad is the only one who adores my DD and sadly he has severe dementia now, but he still calls her his princess. So, limit as much as possible, but find a way not to punish your younger son. What I am trying to say in my long not so summed up post, is that this is sadly how I've seen in in most families.

That's really sad. My paternal grandmother was like this to my brother, but my mom (with my dad backing her up), told her quite clearly to knock it off or she wouldn't be seeing any of her grandkids. And my grandmother did. My mom's parents, on the other hand, were amazing--they loved all their grandkids, and were happiest when they were surrounded by all their "chicks," as my grandpa called us. Everyone got the chance to spend time with them, and grandma remembered everyone's favorite meals.

And what do you do when the grandparents leave money to the younger son, but not the elder? Permitting that favoritism could drive a wedge between the brothers, which is more damaging than the loss of any inheritance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All the grandparents I know are very similar to yours. Sadly, but in my experience it is true. Your younger DS didn't do anything wrong, cutting off grandparents would punish him, not just them. And to be pragmatic, is your DH in line to inherit quite a bit of money in the future? So, make sure your older understands they suck in how they treat him. It isn't fair, and you don't allow it in your presence and you don't expose him to them, but don't punish the younger one. I do the same with my kids. FIL is a chauvinist pig and just about hates all his granddaughters, including my teen DD. I limit contact to a minimum, heck less than a minimum. I make sure she know what he is doing is not fair, not nice and just mean and rude, and she does, she is 16. He even asked me the other day why she never calls him?! That is a tactic to blame her for his unacceptable behavior. I plain told him she know you don't care one fig about her, so why should she? Other granddaughters also avoid him. Grandsons are now realizing what a nasty bigot grandpa is. It all levels out somehow. Sadly my mom is the same, grandson, grandson. She does compensate to my DD by buying her million things, though. My dad is the only one who adores my DD and sadly he has severe dementia now, but he still calls her his princess. So, limit as much as possible, but find a way not to punish your younger son. What I am trying to say in my long not so summed up post, is that this is sadly how I've seen in in most families.

That's really sad. My paternal grandmother was like this to my brother, but my mom (with my dad backing her up), told her quite clearly to knock it off or she wouldn't be seeing any of her grandkids. And my grandmother did. My mom's parents, on the other hand, were amazing--they loved all their grandkids, and were happiest when they were surrounded by all their "chicks," as my grandpa called us. Everyone got the chance to spend time with them, and grandma remembered everyone's favorite meals.

And what do you do when the grandparents leave money to the younger son, but not the elder? Permitting that favoritism could drive a wedge between the brothers, which is more damaging than the loss of any inheritance.

Yes, it is sad. My own maternal grandpa loved us all pretty equally, 6 grandkids. I adored him, but my mom's dad was also a cheater and a sexist, yet he also liked grandkids equally, in a detached born after WWI way.. and you would think that would make her better understand how damaging this is to her granddaughter... but no, she is as sexist as FIL. I am happy to hear though that this is not the norm, even if ti is our reality. I fought it all at first, but with my mom at least I always just plain tell her off, with FIL his kids decided to ignore and avoid. Funny about FIL is that he hates his dad for pretty much the same reasons, his dad adored my DH(first grandson) and was hard on younger son. FIL cut his dad off completely because of that. How is that for irony?

[Anonymous]

The story about taking the kids out for ice cream and then giving the older child the fruit they had packed from home is really telling because it suggests that they PLANNED to be deliberately cruel. Premeditated.