Husband's Parents very Clearly Love one Drandson, but not the Other

[Anonymous]

So, first off, I've never liked my inlaws, and DH has his issues with them as well. They are very, very well to do and live in the DC area (same as we do). FIL works in a very high level government job, MIL is a long-retired doctor. Both tend to be rather frank and combative with everyone.

We have two sons, ages 15 and 14, and have always tried to give them a relationship with their grandparents even if me and DH have to, at times, struggle to deal with them ourselves. The problem is that MIL and FIL very clearly favor the 14 YO DS over the 15 YO DS.

Some examples:

* Buy 14 YO DS an XBox 1 for Christmas, buy 15 YO a T-Shirt they got from a recent overseas trip (I suspect FIL bought it for himself as it is an Adult XL, obviously too big for DS). Me and DH had to go out and buy DS 15 another present and leave it under the tree with their names on it.

* They are very critical of DS15's appearance. He is somewhat chunky - not medically overweight, but has a bit of a belly and not a flat stomach. DS14 is skinny as a whip. They will tell him its time to lay off the junkfood, and go out with both kids and some friends for 'ice cream' and buy DS14 ice cream and give DS15 a bag of fruit they packed from their home (After this trip DS15 came home and locked his door crying for an hour before letting us come in).

* They will incessantly compare DS15 to DS14 in both's company ("Oh, DS14 is so cute, maybe you could take some style tips off him DS15!") Nothing DS15 can do makes them praise him or give him any positive feedback. Its always that he's not smart enough, good looking enough, thin enough, or well behaved enough to be worthy of praise.

* They will invite DS14 to fun events while with both of them, and when DS15 says he wants to go as well, will tell him that they are sorry, that was an event for DS14 only. Most recently this was a week long vacation to Japan later this summer (we nixed this for either - we don't want either being alone with MIL/FIL for extended periods of time, let alone internationally!)

Anyway, I want to cut off all contact with them. Actually, I wanted to years ago, but caved because of pressure from DH and DS14. As you can imagine, DS14 loves his grandparents and thinks they cant do anything wrong, and DH doesn't, but I don't think he has the balls (sorry) to cut them out completely. But we have both talked to them very firmly about this, and it is clearly effecting DS15 every time he has to see them.

Whenever we bring it up to MIL/FIL, they brush it off and say they love both but that we shouldn't have had kids one year apart if we weren't prepared to have them be judged off each other.

I just need advice because I'm at my wit's end.

[Anonymous]

You need to limit contact for all of you! This is not healthy, even for the beloved DS14. It is not normal or healthy, not to mention sensitive or kind, to pit siblings against each other. Of course DS14 loves them and appreciates them because he is a teenager and developmentally he's in a selfish point in his life. He doesn't have a full understanding of the affect on his brother. It's your job as parents to set your kids up for success. Contact with these toxic grandparents is NOT setting either kid up for success. Obviously their treatment of DS15 is an issue, but coddling and favoring DS14 will not help him in the long run.

You won't be able to completely cut them out, but definitely limit contact. Only for special occasions and invent commitments when outings are suggested. It might take some time for the message to get through, but it's important for you to protect your kids.

Also, you need to help you DS15 with self-esteem and insecurities. These types of relationships can have a long-term affect on him. Work on making sure he knows his worth (through therapy, hobbies, outings for him, outings for the whole family). This is important. He's heading to college in a few years - make sure he understands his worth in your eyes (if not his grandparents) before he ventures out to make decisions on his own.

Good luck, OP. This is not a fun situation to be in.

[Anonymous]

I'd concentrate on my sons. DS15 needs to be validated - he is correct to think this is unfair and cruel. DS 14 needs to practice empathy with his own brother and take this opportunity to support and show solidarity. This is an opportunity for DS14 to grow as a person and think beyond himself.

I wouldn't make DS 15 available for consistent bad treatment either. It is good to show and role model that he is right to protect himself and remove himself from people who don't treat him well. Really, they are bullying him. Concentrate on supporting him and helping him overcome.

It's a shame but it is unlikely they will change so focus on your boys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whenever we bring it up to MIL/FIL, they brush it off and say they love both but that we shouldn't have had kids one year apart if we weren't prepared to have them be judged off each other.

The whole situation you describe is terribly sad and troubling, and given their appalling response to your concerns, I am with you in thinking it best to cut off contact. Those are the kinds of hurts that your 15-year-old will never forget, and he needs to know you've got his back, and he needs to be protected from such gross insensitivity. I can't believe they want to put it on you, that you "shouldn't have had kids one year apart if..." It seems pretty clear they're never going to change.

Do you think an ultimatum would work - tell them it has been intolerable and terribly hurtful to your family, and you are going to cut them off if they ever say or do something similarly insensitive again?

[Anonymous]

Limit all contact. Not ok.

[Anonymous]

They are damaging your children (DS15 more obviously and overtly, but this behavior will have a negative effect on DS14 too as well as likely affecting his relationship with his brother). Treat them as you would any other negative influence. Slow fade if they're combative - just don't make either of your sons available to them outside large group events.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to limit contact for all of you! This is not healthy, even for the beloved DS14. It is not normal or healthy, not to mention sensitive or kind, to pit siblings against each other. Of course DS14 loves them and appreciates them because he is a teenager and developmentally he's in a selfish point in his life. He doesn't have a full understanding of the affect on his brother. It's your job as parents to set your kids up for success. Contact with these toxic grandparents is NOT setting either kid up for success. Obviously their treatment of DS15 is an issue, but coddling and favoring DS14 will not help him in the long run.

You won't be able to completely cut them out, but definitely limit contact. Only for special occasions and invent commitments when outings are suggested. It might take some time for the message to get through, but it's important for you to protect your kids.

Also, you need to help you DS15 with self-esteem and insecurities. These types of relationships can have a long-term affect on him. Work on making sure he knows his worth (through therapy, hobbies, outings for him, outings for the whole family). This is important. He's heading to college in a few years - make sure he understands his worth in your eyes (if not his grandparents) before he ventures out to make decisions on his own.

Good luck, OP. This is not a fun situation to be in.

Totally agree. You’re a family op. If they’re mean to one of you they’re mean to all of you. Where is your dh in this? He needs to put a stop to it. Let both of your sons see him stand up to them.

[Anonymous]

You should have told them a long time ago, equal gifts to both of them or no gifts at all. Treat both the same or stay away.

[Anonymous]

Your DS 14 needs to stand up for his brother and your DH does too. I can't imagine seeing someone treat my sibling or my child that way and saying nothing. Not even when I was 14.

[Anonymous]

Gosh OP I would cut off contact in this case. I am all for family, but that may mean here doing what you can to protect DS15 who needs your protection from the damage taking place. You, yourself. said he doesn’t have balls to cut them out completely. Be his spine, stick up for him, have his back and let him know you as his parent love him and won’t allow family to treat him this way. Trust me he is well aware of the unfairness and is still seeking acceptance and love from grandparents that aren’t ever going to change. You need to step in stat and protect him.

[Anonymous]

I'd limit contact. They will cause your sons to resent each other. Horrible grandparents!

[Anonymous]

OP here, while I would happily cut contact, DH is insistent that we can't. DH feels he is in debt to MIL and FIL for paying for college and has made it clear that he will start divorce proceedings and take the kids should I press the issue. He thinks that going no contact would hurt DS14 and that we should be trying to improve DS15's relationship with his grandparents, not cutting it out.

[Anonymous]

The damage is done. You waited too long to correct the situation. Cut off contact and explain to your eldest that you did it for him and that they left you no choice. Youngest can suck it up. You need to put the younger one in a sport he is terrible at and let him toughen up with a dose of humility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Limit all contact. Not ok.

+1000

[Anonymous]

I would call my DH’s bluff. Let him pick his parents over his family. Then, if he’s not kidding, I would stick him with both kids. He will come around to your way of seeing things, however painful the process.