So if you’re not in a “deep love” marriage...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know but that thread is making me depressed I want that and hoped to have it and I just don't. We are not in love like that and I don't think we ever will be.

Op here. Me too. I’d always always hoped and prayed I’d experience deep love. I’ve been dreaming of it since I was 14!

I’m a romantic dreamy person and I feel like I’m being forced to swallow a bitter reality.

Maybe this is your problem? I am in that thread and my husband is not like...swooning all over me all the time. There aren't big romantic gestures and we have pretty low expectations of each other. I think people who have a preconceived notion of what deep romantic love is struggle to find it and perhaps struggle to identify it when they see it.

For us, it is simply a deep and profound appreciation for the other person, it isn't candles and roses and making out on the stairwells. Not saying this is what you believe but perhaps it could contribute.

I think I found this relationship by practicing gratitude in my daily life and kind of teaching my husband how to do that by example. That daily practice allows me to really appreciate and love him for who he is, flaws and all. We don't live a fairytale, we just live our lives and are very grateful for the opportunity to do so with each other.

+100000

The "dreamy romantic types" irritate me. My DH happens to identify as such a person, FWIW. He's very generous and eager to please, which is great, but also has limited depth and shallow emotions. "Candles and roses" is a perfect way to describe it. And no, it doesn't make for "deep love."

[Anonymous]

Our deep love of over 20 years also has had a lot of terrible drama and pain. Be careful what you wish for.

[Anonymous]

I was in a romantic, deep love relationship with my boyfriend for 18 yrs then we got married and had a kid. The romance is pretty much gone but I don’t think it is sustainable with marriage, kids, etc. I still adore him but I certainly don’t look at him with adoration and talk baby talk like we did prior to marriage.

We’ve been together for 30 yrs now and what we have now is enough and I am content with my life and love him and our kid truly, madly, deeply but without the “I am ga ga over you”. Lol!

[Anonymous]

Do not throw away what you have. I had a "deep love" marriage for 20 years. It was intense. We both believed we were each other's soulmates. We never argued, held hands every day, great sex life, and we're best friends fiends. It was so great we waited 7 years to have kids because we were just so happy, the two of us, that we wanted to extend that. Maybe in some level we knew kids would hurt our dynamic.

Well.... we had two kids. Husband was always jealous of my love and time I spent with the kids. He even admitted it. He knew it was immature and ridiculous, but it's how he felt. We carved out time for just us, and I reassured him that the dynamic would ease as the kids got older and more self sufficient. But alas.... he immersed himself in work more and more, started traveling more and more, and ultimately had an affair with his married coworker (she had 3 young kids of her own).

I imagine it's easy to feel deeply and intensely in love when it's just the two of you, on airplanes, in hotels, at restaurants, free of children, spouses pestering you to stop at the grocery store or pick up your darn socks.

Long story short... divorce. I was devastated for two years. Even now, when I'm dating, I feel NOTHING for the men I date. Even the awesome ones.

Shockingly, things didn't work out with the coworker, as I guess things weren't so perfect after the S hit the fan and both families blew up.

So moral of my story is .... don't blow up something great in pursuit of something you think is better. It isn't always better. I'd take a loving, stable, mature man with awesome coping skills over that intense love any day. I'd probably still have an intact family if I had.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are your options?

I’m in a fine marriage. I love my husband and adore him. But he’s also so childish, immature and annoying. I do not feel deep respect or admire him. He never gets me or understands me on a fundamental level. But we have a good partnership and a life better than most.

I get sick in my stomach when I see couples who are deeply in love and have that connection.

You can feel it in their presence!

Is it worth it to throw your life away hoping to chase it? Or give in and find other sources of contentment?

Honestly? I know it's hard but I lean towards saying yes. I know it's a cliche to say this, but you only get one life, that we know of. ONE. It's easy to forget that because human nature makes you put it out of mind and we take it for granted that we're all going to live til 80 or 90 but the sad fact is, millions of people die young every day. Do you want to waste the best years of your life on someone who doesn't make you happy? I truly respect, admire, trust, and love my husband. We've been married for 20 years now and when we first started dating, I remember literally jumping into the air for joy on my way out of his apartment the first time I stayed over. I was that giddy and in love. Those kind of butterflies have mostly gone away but I treasure those memories. And what is left is bone deep trust, commitment, comfort, and security. And believe me, I'm nothing special. I just found the "lid" to my "pot" so to speak. That guy (or that woman) is out there for you. You just have to look. I really believe everyone has someone out there that they click with and fit together like puzzle pieces.

That is a crock of shit. I am very happy for you that you found your "lid" (or for those of us who were Friends fans, your lobster) but it's ridiculous to say everyone has that missing puzzle piece out there. It just doesn't happen for a lot of people through no fault of their own. So many different types of people, different personalities, different histories, different issues. Lots of wonderful people who won't find the mythical "deep love". If you've got it, treasure it, but most won't find that and to throw away a good marriage for this fairy tale that movies and books sell us is reckless. If your marriage is bad, that is one thing, but otherwise, you are acting like a fool.

I am happy to have a husband I trust (oh so important), respect and love, but he ain't perfect and neither am I. We choose to work at having a good marriage and creating a happy place for our kids each day. It's not always easy and we don't always "get" each other, but we keep trying.

[Anonymous]

This post is so interesting to me because of my situation. I met my spouse a year after a breakup with a boyfriend that devastated me completely.
I ended up marrying my husband because he was stable and kind and fun and I was ready to have kids. There was some attraction there, but nothing like my previous boyfriend. For years, I internally lamented the fact that I didn't feel the same way for my H that I did for that former boyfriend. Now, nearly 20 years with him, 2 kids, we've been through a LOT together and he has proven to be the most amazing partner. So faithful, so real, and just the best person I know. He does dishes and laundry, he works hard, and cares about me.
And no, I do not feel ga-ga for him. I feel something more. Total respect and partnership. Yes, there's a loss knowing I never really got to have that deep in love kind of marriage. But really, I don't think I know anyone who does. I had to get over that loss to be able to fully appreciate who I married. I didn't even know he was what I needed all along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are your options?

I’m in a fine marriage. I love my husband and adore him. But he’s also so childish, immature and annoying. I do not feel deep respect or admire him. He never gets me or understands me on a fundamental level. But we have a good partnership and a life better than most.

I get sick in my stomach when I see couples who are deeply in love and have that connection.

You can feel it in their presence!

Is it worth it to throw your life away hoping to chase it? Or give in and find other sources of contentment?

Honestly? I know it's hard but I lean towards saying yes. I know it's a cliche to say this, but you only get one life, that we know of. ONE. It's easy to forget that because human nature makes you put it out of mind and we take it for granted that we're all going to live til 80 or 90 but the sad fact is, millions of people die young every day. Do you want to waste the best years of your life on someone who doesn't make you happy? I truly respect, admire, trust, and love my husband. We've been married for 20 years now and when we first started dating, I remember literally jumping into the air for joy on my way out of his apartment the first time I stayed over. I was that giddy and in love. Those kind of butterflies have mostly gone away but I treasure those memories. And what is left is bone deep trust, commitment, comfort, and security. And believe me, I'm nothing special. I just found the "lid" to my "pot" so to speak. That guy (or that woman) is out there for you. You just have to look. I really believe everyone has someone out there that they click with and fit together like puzzle pieces.

Except all the people who lived their entire lives without finding that "one" person would disagree with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are your options?

I’m in a fine marriage. I love my husband and adore him. But he’s also so childish, immature and annoying. I do not feel deep respect or admire him. He never gets me or understands me on a fundamental level. But we have a good partnership and a life better than most.

I get sick in my stomach when I see couples who are deeply in love and have that connection.

You can feel it in their presence!

Is it worth it to throw your life away hoping to chase it? Or give in and find other sources of contentment?

Honestly? I know it's hard but I lean towards saying yes. I know it's a cliche to say this, but you only get one life, that we know of. ONE. It's easy to forget that because human nature makes you put it out of mind and we take it for granted that we're all going to live til 80 or 90 but the sad fact is, millions of people die young every day. Do you want to waste the best years of your life on someone who doesn't make you happy? I truly respect, admire, trust, and love my husband. We've been married for 20 years now and when we first started dating, I remember literally jumping into the air for joy on my way out of his apartment the first time I stayed over. I was that giddy and in love. Those kind of butterflies have mostly gone away but I treasure those memories. And what is left is bone deep trust, commitment, comfort, and security. And believe me, I'm nothing special. I just found the "lid" to my "pot" so to speak. That guy (or that woman) is out there for you. You just have to look. I really believe everyone has someone out there that they click with and fit together like puzzle pieces.

That is a crock of shit. I am very happy for you that you found your "lid" (or for those of us who were Friends fans, your lobster) but it's ridiculous to say everyone has that missing puzzle piece out there. It just doesn't happen for a lot of people through no fault of their own. So many different types of people, different personalities, different histories, different issues. Lots of wonderful people who won't find the mythical "deep love". If you've got it, treasure it, but most won't find that and to throw away a good marriage for this fairy tale that movies and books sell us is reckless. If your marriage is bad, that is one thing, but otherwise, you are acting like a fool.

I am happy to have a husband I trust (oh so important), respect and love, but he ain't perfect and neither am I. We choose to work at having a good marriage and creating a happy place for our kids each day. It's not always easy and we don't always "get" each other, but we keep trying.

NP. That’s the thing though. You think it’s a myth used to sell movies and books because you’ve never been in love but a lot of people would tell you it’s real and that they know that because they *have* experienced it. It’s real, it exists. A lot of people have it. All the cliches about what it’s like to fall in love are true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are your options?

I’m in a fine marriage. I love my husband and adore him. But he’s also so childish, immature and annoying. I do not feel deep respect or admire him. He never gets me or understands me on a fundamental level. But we have a good partnership and a life better than most.

I get sick in my stomach when I see couples who are deeply in love and have that connection.

You can feel it in their presence!

Is it worth it to throw your life away hoping to chase it? Or give in and find other sources of contentment?

Honestly? I know it's hard but I lean towards saying yes. I know it's a cliche to say this, but you only get one life, that we know of. ONE. It's easy to forget that because human nature makes you put it out of mind and we take it for granted that we're all going to live til 80 or 90 but the sad fact is, millions of people die young every day. Do you want to waste the best years of your life on someone who doesn't make you happy? I truly respect, admire, trust, and love my husband. We've been married for 20 years now and when we first started dating, I remember literally jumping into the air for joy on my way out of his apartment the first time I stayed over. I was that giddy and in love. Those kind of butterflies have mostly gone away but I treasure those memories. And what is left is bone deep trust, commitment, comfort, and security. And believe me, I'm nothing special. I just found the "lid" to my "pot" so to speak. That guy (or that woman) is out there for you. You just have to look. I really believe everyone has someone out there that they click with and fit together like puzzle pieces.

That is a crock of shit. I am very happy for you that you found your "lid" (or for those of us who were Friends fans, your lobster) but it's ridiculous to say everyone has that missing puzzle piece out there. It just doesn't happen for a lot of people through no fault of their own. So many different types of people, different personalities, different histories, different issues. Lots of wonderful people who won't find the mythical "deep love". If you've got it, treasure it, but most won't find that and to throw away a good marriage for this fairy tale that movies and books sell us is reckless. If your marriage is bad, that is one thing, but otherwise, you are acting like a fool.

I am happy to have a husband I trust (oh so important), respect and love, but he ain't perfect and neither am I. We choose to work at having a good marriage and creating a happy place for our kids each day. It's not always easy and we don't always "get" each other, but we keep trying.

NP. That’s the thing though. You think it’s a myth used to sell movies and books because you’ve never been in love but a lot of people would tell you it’s real and that they know that because they *have* experienced it. It’s real, it exists. A lot of people have it. All the cliches about what it’s like to fall in love are true.

I'm one of the people who says I have it and it is nothing like the cliches.

[Anonymous]

Exactly, PP. You can have this deep love and connection and passion, but you're still two flawed people, with baggage, and you're still going to go through some rough times. It doesn't turn life into a fairy tale.

[Anonymous]

Deep love is cultivated.

http://www.businessinsider.com/lasting-relationships-rely-on-2-traits-2014-11

https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/

When you meditate on what you love about someone, you start to love them more. Not quite "fake it to make it" but more like building a case in their favor and it being true. When my spouse sleeps, sometimes I work on studying spouse's face and attributes. "I love ____'s eyes....smell, the way they hold me." And I practice what I would like more, I hug more, and holds are lingering.

You really have to be intentional and fight for the love you want. The more you feed into your distaste, it grows like a baby. You nature negative feelings and this negative baby will grow. The same is true if you nurture what you love and plant seeds of what you want to love to grow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Deep love is cultivated.

http://www.businessinsider.com/lasting-relationships-rely-on-2-traits-2014-11

https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/

When you meditate on what you love about someone, you start to love them more. Not quite "fake it to make it" but more like building a case in their favor and it being true. When my spouse sleeps, sometimes I work on studying spouse's face and attributes. "I love ____'s eyes....smell, the way they hold me." And I practice what I would like more, I hug more, and holds are lingering.

You really have to be intentional and fight for the love you want. The more you feed into your distaste, it grows like a baby. You nature negative feelings and this negative baby will grow. The same is true if you nurture what you love and plant seeds of what you want to love to grow.

x100000000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Deep love is cultivated.

http://www.businessinsider.com/lasting-relationships-rely-on-2-traits-2014-11

https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/

When you meditate on what you love about someone, you start to love them more. Not quite "fake it to make it" but more like building a case in their favor and it being true. When my spouse sleeps, sometimes I work on studying spouse's face and attributes. "I love ____'s eyes....smell, the way they hold me." And I practice what I would like more, I hug more, and holds are lingering.

You really have to be intentional and fight for the love you want. The more you feed into your distaste, it grows like a baby. You nature negative feelings and this negative baby will grow. The same is true if you nurture what you love and plant seeds of what you want to love to grow.

x100000000

I'll also say again what I said somewhere else in these posts, which is that if you're looking for the more classic dreamy romance you might not even be able to recognize it if you see it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Deep love is cultivated.

http://www.businessinsider.com/lasting-relationships-rely-on-2-traits-2014-11

https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/

When you meditate on what you love about someone, you start to love them more. Not quite "fake it to make it" but more like building a case in their favor and it being true. When my spouse sleeps, sometimes I work on studying spouse's face and attributes. "I love ____'s eyes....smell, the way they hold me." And I practice what I would like more, I hug more, and holds are lingering.

You really have to be intentional and fight for the love you want. The more you feed into your distaste, it grows like a baby. You nature negative feelings and this negative baby will grow. The same is true if you nurture what you love and plant seeds of what you want to love to grow.

Sure but you need to fundamentally LIKe the person you’re with in order for this to work. If you don’t this means nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Deep love is cultivated.

http://www.businessinsider.com/lasting-relationships-rely-on-2-traits-2014-11

https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/

When you meditate on what you love about someone, you start to love them more. Not quite "fake it to make it" but more like building a case in their favor and it being true. When my spouse sleeps, sometimes I work on studying spouse's face and attributes. "I love ____'s eyes....smell, the way they hold me." And I practice what I would like more, I hug more, and holds are lingering.

You really have to be intentional and fight for the love you want. The more you feed into your distaste, it grows like a baby. You nature negative feelings and this negative baby will grow. The same is true if you nurture what you love and plant seeds of what you want to love to grow.

Sure but you need to fundamentally LIKe the person you’re with in order for this to work. If you don’t this means nothing.

Theoretically you liked them when you married them. If you let it get to the point where you don't like each other anymore than sure, you might not be able to get it back. But PP is right, and if you approached the marriage like this from day 1 (both of you have to do this though) then you're unlikely to ever get to teh point where you don't fundamentally like that person.