So if you’re not in a “deep love” marriage...

[Anonymous]

What are your options?

I’m in a fine marriage. I love my husband and adore him. But he’s also so childish, immature and annoying. I do not feel deep respect or admire him. He never gets me or understands me on a fundamental level. But we have a good partnership and a life better than most.

I get sick in my stomach when I see couples who are deeply in love and have that connection.

You can feel it in their presence!

Is it worth it to throw your life away hoping to chase it? Or give in and find other sources of contentment?

[Anonymous]

Find other sources of contentment. It's healthier, actually, I think.

I have a hard time understanding how one person could be the partner equivalent of "all things to all people." Frankly, the guys I felt most head-over-heels for were deeply problematic in other ways!

So I get a lot from my husband. He makes me laugh, and we have shared values. And we love our kids. But I'm not over the moon for him, and he knows he's not my "best friend." He's just a really good guy that I can live with, have good sex with, and raise children with.

Sounds awful to say this, but I also know that if a tragedy happened and he was no longer in my life, I'd be devasted for a time but would also be able to continue living.

[Anonymous]

Please do not chase it. Do not throw away all of the good you do have for the ideal.

There is nothing wrong with settling for a comfortable relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are your options?

I’m in a fine marriage. I love my husband and adore him. But he’s also so childish, immature and annoying. I do not feel deep respect or admire him. He never gets me or understands me on a fundamental level. But we have a good partnership and a life better than most.

I get sick in my stomach when I see couples who are deeply in love and have that connection.

You can feel it in their presence!

Is it worth it to throw your life away hoping to chase it? Or give in and find other sources of contentment?

Honestly? I know it's hard but I lean towards saying yes. I know it's a cliche to say this, but you only get one life, that we know of. ONE. It's easy to forget that because human nature makes you put it out of mind and we take it for granted that we're all going to live til 80 or 90 but the sad fact is, millions of people die young every day. Do you want to waste the best years of your life on someone who doesn't make you happy? I truly respect, admire, trust, and love my husband. We've been married for 20 years now and when we first started dating, I remember literally jumping into the air for joy on my way out of his apartment the first time I stayed over. I was that giddy and in love. Those kind of butterflies have mostly gone away but I treasure those memories. And what is left is bone deep trust, commitment, comfort, and security. And believe me, I'm nothing special. I just found the "lid" to my "pot" so to speak. That guy (or that woman) is out there for you. You just have to look. I really believe everyone has someone out there that they click with and fit together like puzzle pieces.

[Anonymous]

I accept it from the perspective that I am far from perfect myself. And from the mature point of view that, barring extraordinary luck, everything in life worth having will take effort and sacrifice from me.

[Anonymous]

PP, I hear you, but for those of us in average or below average marriages with kids, it can't possibly be the right deciision to leave and go chase it.
I think the right decision is to "seek contentment" as one PP put it.

[Anonymous]

You never know what is behind the scenes with other couples, what you see is not always what you get. Seeking perfection by starting over is incredibly risky when what you have right now sounds pretty good. See if you can make incremental improvements by breaking down the issues into smaller ones and start solving them. What does he do that is childish that you can start putting a stop to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, I hear you, but for those of us in average or below average marriages with kids, it can't possibly be the right deciision to leave and go chase it.
I think the right decision is to "seek contentment" as one PP put it.

OP didn't mention kids. I wouldn't leave if the kids are young. But if they are teens or older? Yes, I would encourage a girlfriend to chase her own happiness. Everyone deserves a genuinely happy, loving marriage if they want that. I really believe that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You never know what is behind the scenes with other couples, what you see is not always what you get. Seeking perfection by starting over is incredibly risky when what you have right now sounds pretty good. See if you can make incremental improvements by breaking down the issues into smaller ones and start solving them. What does he do that is childish that you can start putting a stop to?

I'm sorry, but part of being in love is accepting the other person, childish faults and all. Do not go out with the intent of putting a stop to a behavior or tying to change your partner. It's a losing battle.

The most you can change is how you react. Those are the incremental improvements that can be made.

Even with that said, small changes doesn't necessarily mean you are going to fall back in love with your spouse (let alone feel a "deep love". Accept and nurture the partner and marriage that you have. Remember why you chose to spend your life with this person.

[Anonymous]

I agree with a PP that it's difficult to know what's going on behind the scenes with a couple. People have all kinds of motivations for behaving a certain way in public and who knows what's real.

Even beyond that, an "intense" connection can mean very lovey-dovey moments, but also explosive or deep conflict.

I'm sure there are some deep love couples who also connect and work well on practical things. That's a gold standard relationship. But you can't create that, it's hard to find, and most won't ever have it.

If you're single and want to hold out for that, that's one thing. If you're already in a committed relationship with kids, focus on what you have and "deep love" isn't something it's healthy to go look for at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Find other sources of contentment. It's healthier, actually, I think.

I have a hard time understanding how one person could be the partner equivalent of "all things to all people." Frankly, the guys I felt most head-over-heels for were deeply problematic in other ways!

So I get a lot from my husband. He makes me laugh, and we have shared values. And we love our kids. But I'm not over the moon for him, and he knows he's not my "best friend." He's just a really good guy that I can live with, have good sex with, and raise children with.

Sounds awful to say this, but I also know that if a tragedy happened and he was no longer in my life, I'd be devasted for a time but would also be able to continue living.

I am in a deep love marriage.

I would say this poster is correct and I would not tear up your life in search of something you may never find. I think it is luck that leads us to these relationships. My marriage is amazing and profound but I have plenty of other things in my life that are hard and difficult and less than ideal. Maybe you have something I don't and would love to have OP.

Life is big and complicated and multifaceted. I have had people in my life die that I would trade my relationship with my husband to get back. Being deep in love doesn't mean being completely codependent though PP. I could survive if he died. It would be horrible and traumatic and I would always love him. It would leave a hole in my heart that would never quite heal. But I would go on and live and be happy again.

[Anonymous]

Did you ALWAYS feel those things towards him? If not, what has changed?

[Anonymous]

No. Stop being childish.

[Anonymous]

I don't know but that thread is making me depressed I want that and hoped to have it and I just don't. We are not in love like that and I don't think we ever will be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know but that thread is making me depressed I want that and hoped to have it and I just don't. We are not in love like that and I don't think we ever will be.

Op here. Me too. I’d always always hoped and prayed I’d experience deep love. I’ve been dreaming of it since I was 14!

I’m a romantic dreamy person and I feel like I’m being forced to swallow a bitter reality.