So if you’re not in a “deep love” marriage...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know but that thread is making me depressed I want that and hoped to have it and I just don't. We are not in love like that and I don't think we ever will be.

Op here. Me too. I’d always always hoped and prayed I’d experience deep love. I’ve been dreaming of it since I was 14!

I’m a romantic dreamy person and I feel like I’m being forced to swallow a bitter reality.

Maybe this is your problem? I am in that thread and my husband is not like...swooning all over me all the time. There aren't big romantic gestures and we have pretty low expectations of each other. I think people who have a preconceived notion of what deep romantic love is struggle to find it and perhaps struggle to identify it when they see it.

For us, it is simply a deep and profound appreciation for the other person, it isn't candles and roses and making out on the stairwells. Not saying this is what you believe but perhaps it could contribute.

I think I found this relationship by practicing gratitude in my daily life and kind of teaching my husband how to do that by example. That daily practice allows me to really appreciate and love him for who he is, flaws and all. We don't live a fairytale, we just live our lives and are very grateful for the opportunity to do so with each other.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you have kids? If not, then I'd consider going to find what you dream of. One of my good friends is in a marriage with a guy she thinks is below on many levels but she settled for him because she doesn't like to be alone and thinks she'll never find anyone else who would put up with her. But she dreams of being adored and cherished by a guy. It's sad to hear her talk about her life. Basically she says she'll stay with him until she meets someone better because she'd rather be married to him than be alone. That's obviously a problematic solution, but it's how she feels and it's not my place to talk her out of it. But if you aren't getting what you need out of your marriage and you don't have children who will be impacted if you divorce, then ask yourself why you are staying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know but that thread is making me depressed I want that and hoped to have it and I just don't. We are not in love like that and I don't think we ever will be.

Op here. Me too. I’d always always hoped and prayed I’d experience deep love. I’ve been dreaming of it since I was 14!

I’m a romantic dreamy person and I feel like I’m being forced to swallow a bitter reality.

Were you "in love" with your husband at one point? Did something change there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know but that thread is making me depressed I want that and hoped to have it and I just don't. We are not in love like that and I don't think we ever will be.

Op here. Me too. I’d always always hoped and prayed I’d experience deep love. I’ve been dreaming of it since I was 14!

I’m a romantic dreamy person and I feel like I’m being forced to swallow a bitter reality.

Maybe this is your problem? I am in that thread and my husband is not like...swooning all over me all the time. There aren't big romantic gestures and we have pretty low expectations of each other. I think people who have a preconceived notion of what deep romantic love is struggle to find it and perhaps struggle to identify it when they see it.

For us, it is simply a deep and profound appreciation for the other person, it isn't candles and roses and making out on the stairwells. Not saying this is what you believe but perhaps it could contribute.

I think I found this relationship by practicing gratitude in my daily life and kind of teaching my husband how to do that by example. That daily practice allows me to really appreciate and love him for who he is, flaws and all. We don't live a fairytale, we just live our lives and are very grateful for the opportunity to do so with each other.

PP here. Who is writing that? Mostly they have been talking about what you're talking about - true comfort where you can say anything, a high level of respect and even admiration, trust, commitment, security, loyalty, genuinely liking the other person and WANTING to spend more time with them, etc. etc. And physical attraction and frequent sex. I don't have a lot of that with my husband (especially the good sex part). But no one's been talking about needing a weekly flower delivery or something.

[Anonymous]

Almost NO ONE is in a "deep love" marriage after the first year or so. The trick is riding out the rough patches and making memories that can sustain you through them. That and a sense of humor.

[Anonymous]

I’m the PP from the other thread that posted about experiencing this as a young adult. In my case I left. Not to find something, and not because of that...There were a LOT of things wrong in my marriage and I gave my all. DCUM would hands down vote him off the island.

When I was married, I reflected on that life experience, as just that - I had the gift of having touched a sacred love before. And that was it. I worked hard on myself to bring every beauty I could into our love and vision as husband and wife, even though we didn’t share the connection, I was determined to not compare, but be open to a path of joy that only the sacred vow of marriage could touch. There were really bright spots for us when we both operated with that vision.

Deep inner work can unconver a lot of structural damage. My marriage didn’t get out of construction phase, plans were abandoned. It was the better choice for me to leave, or risk exposures to elements that would threaten everything I worked to nurture in my life.

I decided I would rather spend my life being made whole alone, in gratitude, and fate guiding me into a sacredness I’m qualified to receive, than being half-full and looking for a temporary mask and promoting self-cageyness. Marriage requires you to at some point, agree or die. I could not come into agreement with dysfunctional systems of power, fear, and control.

I’ve had feelings grow, die, wax and wane. What changed was my attitude, then my circumstances. You can change how you view your environment. But you can’t change people. And some people just fit. Others don’t.

My history of love has taught me more than I could ever share here. The most relevant lesson to this thread would be my choice to magnify what’s beautiful, uproot what deceits, and plant what’s nourishes. And seeing a bloom for that work is guaranteed. If you’re lucky, maybe you’ll have someone you connect with joining you in the process along the way.

Don’t be sad. Your perception becomes your reality. There are tools available to grow an unbelievable connection. The supernatural chemistry I experienced can’t be manufactured. But in my case, we both had to let go of our expectations for entitlement to that in our current seasons post-divorce. Maybe that will change one day, I haven’t let go of faith, but I’m also not misplacing my hope and trust in this process of life and the love that enters it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know but that thread is making me depressed I want that and hoped to have it and I just don't. We are not in love like that and I don't think we ever will be.

Op here. Me too. I’d always always hoped and prayed I’d experience deep love. I’ve been dreaming of it since I was 14!

I’m a romantic dreamy person and I feel like I’m being forced to swallow a bitter reality.

Maybe this is your problem? I am in that thread and my husband is not like...swooning all over me all the time. There aren't big romantic gestures and we have pretty low expectations of each other. I think people who have a preconceived notion of what deep romantic love is struggle to find it and perhaps struggle to identify it when they see it.

For us, it is simply a deep and profound appreciation for the other person, it isn't candles and roses and making out on the stairwells. Not saying this is what you believe but perhaps it could contribute.

I think I found this relationship by practicing gratitude in my daily life and kind of teaching my husband how to do that by example. That daily practice allows me to really appreciate and love him for who he is, flaws and all. We don't live a fairytale, we just live our lives and are very grateful for the opportunity to do so with each other.

PP here. Who is writing that? Mostly they have been talking about what you're talking about - true comfort where you can say anything, a high level of respect and even admiration, trust, commitment, security, loyalty, genuinely liking the other person and WANTING to spend more time with them, etc. etc. And physical attraction and frequent sex. I don't have a lot of that with my husband (especially the good sex part). But no one's been talking about needing a weekly flower delivery or something.

I was responding specifically to PP calling herself a romantic dreamy person.

[Anonymous]

PP again. I’ll just add that I also applied a lot of these principles around grieving death for loved ones. In principle it is healing. You really do have to take care of your own lawn and you’ll be surprised how creative and amazing it can be. As long as your spouse isn’t crapping on it, burying dead bodies under rocks, and digging up the flowers you pay to install, you’re pretty much guaranteed to have something enviable.

[Anonymous]

The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman is a good book that is an easy read. Find your spouses love language. Speak in it. Satisfaction level and feeling of being in love will increase.

Quality Time
Acts of Service
Physical Touch
Words of Affirmation
Tokens of Appreciation

[Anonymous]

My seriously deep butterfly in the stomach love for my husband only started to wane in intensity after 25 years. I met him in my high school English class. It was like a boom to my heart. No other male made me feel this way. Not one. Never dated another guy. He is my only life love.

40 years together it has now turned into a life long forever till we die thing. We have finally achieved being one.

All of my siblings are divorced, some multiple times. I can't explain how this turned out like it did. It just happened.

[Anonymous]

I thought I was in a "deep love" marriage until I discovered my now ex husband was putting his manhood "deep" into another woman. I'd much prefer trusting love to deep love.

[Anonymous]

I never had that crazy love feeling as my DH and I were friends for a pretty long time before we got together. But it was very quickly a very comfortable love - with a lot of passion - that has sustained itself for 35 years. While we never had that first meet up spontaneous combustion experience he still has a way of always putting a smile on my face. We also still enjoy a very active sex life which really puts a smile on my face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never had that crazy love feeling as my DH and I were friends for a pretty long time before we got together. But it was very quickly a very comfortable love - with a lot of passion - that has sustained itself for 35 years. While we never had that first meet up spontaneous combustion experience he still has a way of always putting a smile on my face. We also still enjoy a very active sex life which really puts a smile on my face.

With our marriage the pilot light is always on which keeps things at a very pleasant temperature and then once or twice a week one of us turns up the dial to a full boil.

[Anonymous]

I've made my peace with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought I was in a "deep love" marriage until I discovered my now ex husband was putting his manhood "deep" into another woman. I'd much prefer trusting love to deep love.

You're awesome. You should write a book.