So if you’re not in a “deep love” marriage...

[Anonymous]

I would highly recommend the book, "Love and Respect" by Emerson Eggerichs. My husband and I read it before we got married almost 9 years ago, and we have both revisited the book/concepts several times.

The grass grows best where you water/cultivate it. Work with what you have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Deep love is cultivated.

http://www.businessinsider.com/lasting-relationships-rely-on-2-traits-2014-11

https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/

When you meditate on what you love about someone, you start to love them more. Not quite "fake it to make it" but more like building a case in their favor and it being true. When my spouse sleeps, sometimes I work on studying spouse's face and attributes. "I love ____'s eyes....smell, the way they hold me." And I practice what I would like more, I hug more, and holds are lingering.

You really have to be intentional and fight for the love you want. The more you feed into your distaste, it grows like a baby. You nature negative feelings and this negative baby will grow. The same is true if you nurture what you love and plant seeds of what you want to love to grow.

I actually really agree with this, but I think the big trick for a lot of us is that we might be willing to do that, but, honestly, as someone who tends to invest heavily in my relationships, I find most people are emotionally lazy. That's actually my problem--I don't have kids but I have a marriage with some major, reasonably dealbreaking flaws in it that is still low conflict and high friendship. I have spent the last 20 years fully all in and making the best of and cultivating what I have, but it's unlikely to get significantly better because my spouse has limited desire/ability to invest further emotionally to do that. I also know myself well enough to know that I am my best self when I have a committed partner sharing my day to day life. If I knew that I could leave and would find one of those deep love type relationships with someone who was as much all in as I am within the next 5 years, I would go home and pack my stuff up tonight. But, I think finding that person would be like finding a needle in a haystack, and might never happen, and I'm just as likely to end up alone for good, or in another marriage with a different set of major, reasonably dealbreaking flaws. So, at that point, I figure maybe it's better to just stick with the person that I do love and have a good friendship with, as well as a ton of history and try to make it work, even though it's never going to be particularly satisfying for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are your options?

I’m in a fine marriage. I love my husband and adore him. But he’s also so childish, immature and annoying. I do not feel deep respect or admire him. He never gets me or understands me on a fundamental level. But we have a good partnership and a life better than most.

I get sick in my stomach when I see couples who are deeply in love and have that connection.

You can feel it in their presence!

Is it worth it to throw your life away hoping to chase it? Or give in and find other sources of contentment?

OP you are in a difficult situation, but I encourage you to stick with it. I was in a deep love relationship for several years. I am now very happily married although the feeling is different from my previous relationship. DH and I so much more compatible even though he probably does not 'get' me the same way my ex did. I knew right away that DH was a much more suitable life partner and I love him more because of it.

Many times the connection for the intense feeling relationships that you are describing is a result of being equally broken.

However, it is easy for me to tell you 'it's not worth it' having been through the experience. It was very emotionally intense and while it was not the right relationship for me in the long term, I do not regret it. Also, it is concerning that you do not respect your DH. Perhaps he is not the right man for you for other reasons. I wish you the best.

[Anonymous]

I agree that a lot of people are emotionally lazy. They’re just comfortable with their stops and starts. It’s hard to get adults to change.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps this can give you some solace. Deep love also brings out the worst kind of pain when it ends. The worst. I'm sure we've all had that one relationship that ended where we truly thought the other person was one of the soul mates out there for us. And when it ended, it was devastating. Where the ending of other relationships were very easy to recover from.

This reminder helps me. Deep love is only great if it lasts. If it ends, it's one of the worst things we experience as human beings. It feels good not to be that vulnerable again. So I make do in a relationship without deep love. It works.

[Anonymous]

My DH and I took a break about halfway through our dating relationship and it brought us both to our knees. We realized we needed that “deep love” connection for life. It doesn’t mean he is the perfect man, but it does mean he totally does it for me. I bet if I found someone like OP described he would be my friend and more steady and maybe even a better role model for my kids. With Deep Love comes a fair amount of crazy, I think it’s half dozen of one- 6 of the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would highly recommend the book, "Love and Respect" by Emerson Eggerichs. My husband and I read it before we got married almost 9 years ago, and we have both revisited the book/concepts several times.

The grass grows best where you water/cultivate it. Work with what you have.

I haven't read the book but "respect" is one of the reasons I love my DH. He has always had great respect for my intelligence and the choices I have made and I know he views me as his equal even though he is the primary bread winner. I know that "respect" isn't "passion" ....which we do have!.....but it may well be the basis for a good relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Deep love is cultivated.

http://www.businessinsider.com/lasting-relationships-rely-on-2-traits-2014-11

https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/

When you meditate on what you love about someone, you start to love them more. Not quite "fake it to make it" but more like building a case in their favor and it being true. When my spouse sleeps, sometimes I work on studying spouse's face and attributes. "I love ____'s eyes....smell, the way they hold me." And I practice what I would like more, I hug more, and holds are lingering.

You really have to be intentional and fight for the love you want. The more you feed into your distaste, it grows like a baby. You nature negative feelings and this negative baby will grow. The same is true if you nurture what you love and plant seeds of what you want to love to grow.

Sure but you need to fundamentally LIKe the person you’re with in order for this to work. If you don’t this means nothing.

x 1000

I think this is what the "go find love" people are trying to say. When you do find it, it's easy. It feels like puzzle pieces fitting together. You still need to put effort in, obviously, but it doesn't always feel like effort because you actually *want* to do the things that nurture relationships.

When you've been in a relationship where it feels like you're trying to force a square peg through a round hole and then you ditch that peg and finally find a round one that fits smoothly, it's unbelievable at first how easy and natural it feels.

That does not mean everything will be bliss and there will never be arguments or problems. But I think it'll be easier to overcome those issues because you actually want to do the work. It doesn't even feel like work, though it is. That's the whole point.