Do you attend your stepchildren’s events?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did not. The exWife felt that she did the work to get the kids to where they are and that I was not a part of that equation.

I congratulated the kids and said things to them like "I heard you were great...."

I was not an AP. We met and married about 5 yrs after the divorce was final.

+1

Ex did not want me coming to the events. I was not AP, divorce was amicable, but she was very upset about any involvement I had with child.

I didn't want to push, as I didn't want to cause an argument between DH and his child's mother, but I think it made it look to the child that I didn't care. Even when the child asked me to come to an activity, ex wanted me to say no.

So each situation is different.

+1

Child asked me to come, mother did not. I did not go.

Looking back, I wish I had gone, as my lack of showing up impacted our relationship.

[Anonymous]

Nope, my DH's ex is bat s..t crazy, no other description for her. Wouldn't want to be in the same room with her and I feel extremely sorry that her three children have to deal with her continuous drama. And, no, I am not an AP! But I do feel sorry for my DH because she makes it very uncomfortable for the kids to have a relationship with him. He goes, he hangs in there (like a Dad is supposed to do) but her constant insults and verbal sparring is beginning to get the result she wants, he will stop attending to spare his children of the embarrassment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope, my DH's ex is bat s..t crazy, no other description for her. Wouldn't want to be in the same room with her and I feel extremely sorry that her three children have to deal with her continuous drama. And, no, I am not an AP! But I do feel sorry for my DH because she makes it very uncomfortable for the kids to have a relationship with him. He goes, he hangs in there (like a Dad is supposed to do) but her constant insults and verbal sparring is beginning to get the result she wants, he will stop attending to spare his children of the embarrassment.

lol to bat s..t crazy bio moms.

They're quite a trip, aren't they?

I empathize with you - my DH's ex is the same. Unfortunately counting the days until the DC are launched so there will be no more contact necessary with this manipulative monster of a woman.

[Anonymous]

DH has been divorced for 20yrs. His kids were 5 and 2 when they divorced. I didn’t meet the kids for 3 years. While
They were growing up, I didn’t attend events because the ex did not want me there.

But I’m apart of the oldest wedding plans now. And at my youngest last bday party, the ex wife came. We all get along pretty well these days but it’s taken time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends on whether attending creates stress. If stepparent’s attendance detracts focus from kids then stepparent shouldn’t attend.

Best response.

I totally agree. And it doesn't have to be all or nothing, either. I am not yet in this position, but I think it would REALLY bug me if my X DH's new partner decided to show up to every tiny thing ... especially if my DH himself didn't show! But it would also be unhealthy if they never came at all. So it's a balance. Come to a few events, but don't make a huge show of coming to every single one. Let the biomom enjoy having the event to herself sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the bio parent (crazy ex-wife) is there: NO. If she is not there: ALWAYS! It works for us, because she lives out of state, has no custody, and maybe attends two events per year. I am more of a parent than she will ever be.

Her child doesn't think that. Her child wishes it was mommy doing all that, not you.

Not in this case. Mommy has untreated mental health issues (refuses treatment) and is unable to take of herself or the child.

This may be true - bioMom may be unable to care or think about child, but you realize child still wishes mom would do these things even if you are a nice stepmom.

My ex-spouse has mental illness. He is not a great dad and has no custody, but I encourage him to visit and spend time with kids. They love him even if they are frustrated sometimes. My DS is even old enough that he has sad even a bad dad is better than no dad.

I encourage you to rein in your hostility to bioMom and foster what contact you can. It's not a mothering competition.

Some moms prefer to fill the dad role with their partner and dad is only viewed as a income.

[Anonymous]

DH's ex doesn't want to face the fact that my DC and I exist. We've seen DH's ex once in the last five years, at their oldest DS high school graduation last year. We don't get invites to birthdays, sporting events etc.

[Anonymous]

My sister is the step mom. The Dad was dying of brain cancer.
One of the best things my sister ever did was she would
leave town when the two step daughters came in to visit their Dad so that the girls could have private time with their Dad
before he died. I think the two step daughters were surprised
that my sister left town so they could have private time but
I think it was one of the best decisions my sister as step mom
ever made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the bio parent (crazy ex-wife) is there: NO. If she is not there: ALWAYS! It works for us, because she lives out of state, has no custody, and maybe attends two events per year. I am more of a parent than she will ever be.

Her child doesn't think that. Her child wishes it was mommy doing all that, not you.

Not in this case. Mommy has untreated mental health issues (refuses treatment) and is unable to take of herself or the child.

Those facts do not change that the child wishes it was different.

The child can sense your feeling competitive with or resentful of a mentally ill mom/addict, what have you.

Odd that your focus is so much on someone who is NOT there rather than the child you supposedly love and wish to support. Not saying it is not difficult but it is a whole lot harder for the kid and the vibe you give off about it may not help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to hate it when my step-parents came to events. I found it very awkward. They liked to pretend they were doing it "for the kids" but really they were doing it to show off their "amicable" divorce and what a happy "blended" family they are, when of course the truth is nothing like that. My events were just an excuse for them to do that, they didn't actually care about being there.

As a child of divorce I can say this is total bull$h*t. I loved it when people that I loved came to my things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope, my DH's ex is bat s..t crazy, no other description for her. Wouldn't want to be in the same room with her and I feel extremely sorry that her three children have to deal with her continuous drama. And, no, I am not an AP! But I do feel sorry for my DH because she makes it very uncomfortable for the kids to have a relationship with him. He goes, he hangs in there (like a Dad is supposed to do) but her constant insults and verbal sparring is beginning to get the result she wants, he will stop attending to spare his children of the embarrassment.

+1 the histrionics make it too dysfunctional for either of us to attend unfortunately. We have tried.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH's ex doesn't want to face the fact that my DC and I exist. We've seen DH's ex once in the last five years, at their oldest DS high school graduation last year. We don't get invites to birthdays, sporting events etc.

DH's ex is like this too. And we've been married for 10 years! Literally pretends that DS and I do not live in the same house as DH or exist at all. It's so bizarre and pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to hate it when my step-parents came to events. I found it very awkward. They liked to pretend they were doing it "for the kids" but really they were doing it to show off their "amicable" divorce and what a happy "blended" family they are, when of course the truth is nothing like that. My events were just an excuse for them to do that, they didn't actually care about being there.

+1

[Anonymous]

In December my son's school had a band concert. My son's friend was brought by his stepdad (but his mom couldn't be there for some reason). My son told me afterward that his friend noticed that the stepdad spent the entire time working his phone and not paying attention to the performance. Pretty sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH's ex doesn't want to face the fact that my DC and I exist. We've seen DH's ex once in the last five years, at their oldest DS high school graduation last year. We don't get invites to birthdays, sporting events etc.

DH's ex is like this too. And we've been married for 10 years! Literally pretends that DS and I do not live in the same house as DH or exist at all. It's so bizarre and pathetic.

I'm sorry, I know exactly how you feel (obviously) - it is completey bizarre but there is nothing I can do about it, after five years I've come to expect that this will not change. And step kids are pretty much who she is (as someone else said above) so theres that. I feel bad for DH but it is what it is.