Do you attend your stepchildren’s events?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the kids don't want you there, please don't go. You're not entitled to a relationship with a child just because you married their parent.

Let me guess, you are mom who badmouths dad and stepmom, ruins the relationship but expects all money to go to you and the kids.

[Anonymous]

First wife here. Our kids' SM comes and while I don't mind her being there, the kids do. She is not an AP but they just don't like her and avoid her. She is really trying.

[Anonymous]

Not anymore. They stay with us once a year, and that time is always tense, and DH sees them separately on other occasions. I tried when I first started dating DH, but it is clear that they don't want DH to be in a relationship with anyone but their mom. I get it. Before me, DH's previous GF broke up with him over the bad vibes she got, and I know that after me, the next person would struggle, too. So, I'm super disengaged. It's DH's relationship now to compartmentalize and manage, and he does a pretty good job of it. They enjoy their vacations together when it's just him and his kids. We have younger kids—the tensions when everyone is together are not worth it. Their weddings are the only remaining life events I'll attend if they want me there. I might be sad if I'm excluded but relieved as I know it wouldn't be fun to be an unwanted wedding guest. The most challenging times in blended families are holidays and life events.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not anymore. They stay with us once a year, and that time is always tense, and DH sees them separately on other occasions. I tried when I first started dating DH, but it is clear that they don't want DH to be in a relationship with anyone but their mom. I get it. Before me, DH's previous GF broke up with him over the bad vibes she got, and I know that after me, the next person would struggle, too. So, I'm super disengaged. It's DH's relationship now to compartmentalize and manage, and he does a pretty good job of it. They enjoy their vacations together when it's just him and his kids. We have younger kids—the tensions when everyone is together are not worth it. Their weddings are the only remaining life events I'll attend if they want me there. I might be sad if I'm excluded but relieved as I know it wouldn't be fun to be an unwanted wedding guest. The most challenging times in blended families are holidays and life events.

Just make sure the will is written and everything is spelled out. I too was unwanted and when DH died, stepkids tried to go after everything, including the house DH and I bought together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First wife here. Our kids' SM comes and while I don't mind her being there, the kids do. She is not an AP but they just don't like her and avoid her. She is really trying.

Maybe they pick up on your hostile vibe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not anymore. They stay with us once a year, and that time is always tense, and DH sees them separately on other occasions. I tried when I first started dating DH, but it is clear that they don't want DH to be in a relationship with anyone but their mom. I get it. Before me, DH's previous GF broke up with him over the bad vibes she got, and I know that after me, the next person would struggle, too. So, I'm super disengaged. It's DH's relationship now to compartmentalize and manage, and he does a pretty good job of it. They enjoy their vacations together when it's just him and his kids. We have younger kids—the tensions when everyone is together are not worth it. Their weddings are the only remaining life events I'll attend if they want me there. I might be sad if I'm excluded but relieved as I know it wouldn't be fun to be an unwanted wedding guest. The most challenging times in blended families are holidays and life events.

Just make sure the will is written and everything is spelled out. I too was unwanted and when DH died, stepkids tried to go after everything, including the house DH and I bought together.

I can see my husbands kids and ex coming after everything. He very clearly spelled out things in the will to block it given how they treat him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First wife here. Our kids' SM comes and while I don't mind her being there, the kids do. She is not an AP but they just don't like her and avoid her. She is really trying.

This was me, I attended and broke my back to be available. But I always felt like the "bald headed step child" in those situations, I some point, for my own happiness, I drew a line in the sand. My DH is still angry about it, I however made the right decision for my sanity. I do not with bad or have ill feelings towards my step children or his ex, just do not want to be put in that situation any longer. Their loss, I can assure you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not anymore. They stay with us once a year, and that time is always tense, and DH sees them separately on other occasions. I tried when I first started dating DH, but it is clear that they don't want DH to be in a relationship with anyone but their mom. I get it. Before me, DH's previous GF broke up with him over the bad vibes she got, and I know that after me, the next person would struggle, too. So, I'm super disengaged. It's DH's relationship now to compartmentalize and manage, and he does a pretty good job of it. They enjoy their vacations together when it's just him and his kids. We have younger kids—the tensions when everyone is together are not worth it. Their weddings are the only remaining life events I'll attend if they want me there. I might be sad if I'm excluded but relieved as I know it wouldn't be fun to be an unwanted wedding guest. The most challenging times in blended families are holidays and life events.

Just make sure the will is written and everything is spelled out. I too was unwanted and when DH died, stepkids tried to go after everything, including the house DH and I bought together.

You mean that DH bought and you lived in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not anymore. They stay with us once a year, and that time is always tense, and DH sees them separately on other occasions. I tried when I first started dating DH, but it is clear that they don't want DH to be in a relationship with anyone but their mom. I get it. Before me, DH's previous GF broke up with him over the bad vibes she got, and I know that after me, the next person would struggle, too. So, I'm super disengaged. It's DH's relationship now to compartmentalize and manage, and he does a pretty good job of it. They enjoy their vacations together when it's just him and his kids. We have younger kids—the tensions when everyone is together are not worth it. Their weddings are the only remaining life events I'll attend if they want me there. I might be sad if I'm excluded but relieved as I know it wouldn't be fun to be an unwanted wedding guest. The most challenging times in blended families are holidays and life events.

Just make sure the will is written and everything is spelled out. I, too, was unwanted, and when DH died, stepkids tried to go after everything, including the house DH and I bought together.

how did that turn out for them? on what basis would they have a claim against a home that you bought together and owned presumably as joint tenants with rights of survivorship? in our case, I’ve kept most of my money separate and I don’t know how they would ever have a claim against it, but it does concern me because I’m sure they will do the same someday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First wife here. Our kids' SM comes and while I don't mind her being there, the kids do. She is not an AP but they just don't like her and avoid her. She is really trying.

Maybe they pick up on your hostile vibe.

No hostility between the two of us whatsoever. She is a nice woman. But they are teens. ExDH and I spoke to them many times. They acknowledge her by saying hi but they don't want to be around her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not anymore. They stay with us once a year, and that time is always tense, and DH sees them separately on other occasions. I tried when I first started dating DH, but it is clear that they don't want DH to be in a relationship with anyone but their mom. I get it. Before me, DH's previous GF broke up with him over the bad vibes she got, and I know that after me, the next person would struggle, too. So, I'm super disengaged. It's DH's relationship now to compartmentalize and manage, and he does a pretty good job of it. They enjoy their vacations together when it's just him and his kids. We have younger kids—the tensions when everyone is together are not worth it. Their weddings are the only remaining life events I'll attend if they want me there. I might be sad if I'm excluded but relieved as I know it wouldn't be fun to be an unwanted wedding guest. The most challenging times in blended families are holidays and life events.

Just make sure the will is written and everything is spelled out. I, too, was unwanted, and when DH died, stepkids tried to go after everything, including the house DH and I bought together.

how did that turn out for them? on what basis would they have a claim against a home that you bought together and owned presumably as joint tenants with rights of survivorship? in our case, I’ve kept most of my money separate and I don’t know how they would ever have a claim against it, but it does concern me because I’m sure they will do the same someday.

I kept all of the receipts We both put a downpayment, both paid the mortgage, I paid for renovations. He left them everything else: military pension, 401K, investment property. So no, you don't get the house for which we both paid for. Really showed their true faces after he died.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the kids don't want you there, please don't go. You're not entitled to a relationship with a child just because you married their parent.

Let me guess, you are mom who badmouths dad and stepmom, ruins the relationship but expects all money to go to you and the kids.

Haha, no. Stepmom ruined the relationship all on her own and the kids hate her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not anymore. They stay with us once a year, and that time is always tense, and DH sees them separately on other occasions. I tried when I first started dating DH, but it is clear that they don't want DH to be in a relationship with anyone but their mom. I get it. Before me, DH's previous GF broke up with him over the bad vibes she got, and I know that after me, the next person would struggle, too. So, I'm super disengaged. It's DH's relationship now to compartmentalize and manage, and he does a pretty good job of it. They enjoy their vacations together when it's just him and his kids. We have younger kids—the tensions when everyone is together are not worth it. Their weddings are the only remaining life events I'll attend if they want me there. I might be sad if I'm excluded but relieved as I know it wouldn't be fun to be an unwanted wedding guest. The most challenging times in blended families are holidays and life events.

Just make sure the will is written and everything is spelled out. I too was unwanted and when DH died, stepkids tried to go after everything, including the house DH and I bought together.

You mean that DH bought and you lived in.

She clearly said they both bought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the kids don't want you there, please don't go. You're not entitled to a relationship with a child just because you married their parent.

Let me guess, you are mom who badmouths dad and stepmom, ruins the relationship but expects all money to go to you and the kids.

Haha, no. Stepmom ruined the relationship all on her own and the kids hate her.

You clearly contributed to that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not anymore. They stay with us once a year, and that time is always tense, and DH sees them separately on other occasions. I tried when I first started dating DH, but it is clear that they don't want DH to be in a relationship with anyone but their mom. I get it. Before me, DH's previous GF broke up with him over the bad vibes she got, and I know that after me, the next person would struggle, too. So, I'm super disengaged. It's DH's relationship now to compartmentalize and manage, and he does a pretty good job of it. They enjoy their vacations together when it's just him and his kids. We have younger kids—the tensions when everyone is together are not worth it. Their weddings are the only remaining life events I'll attend if they want me there. I might be sad if I'm excluded but relieved as I know it wouldn't be fun to be an unwanted wedding guest. The most challenging times in blended families are holidays and life events.

Just make sure the will is written and everything is spelled out. I, too, was unwanted, and when DH died, stepkids tried to go after everything, including the house DH and I bought together.

how did that turn out for them? on what basis would they have a claim against a home that you bought together and owned presumably as joint tenants with rights of survivorship? in our case, I’ve kept most of my money separate and I don’t know how they would ever have a claim against it, but it does concern me because I’m sure they will do the same someday.

I kept all of the receipts We both put a downpayment, both paid the mortgage, I paid for renovations. He left them everything else: military pension, 401K, investment property. So no, you don't get the house for which we both paid for. Really showed their true faces after he died.

Why do they get everything else? Most (or all) states have a spousal elective share of 33-50% of the deceased's estate. You can't simply disinherit your spouse and give everything to the children. Doing so would shift the burden of caring for the surviving spouse from the marriage to the state, and taxpayers shouldn't have to support a widow if the marriage had enough assets.