Do you attend your stepchildren’s events?

[Anonymous]

My kids' stepmom has attended as many of my kids' events as her work schedule allows. I'd be more upset if she didn't.

She and my ex have two little kids of their own and I am always invited to their birthday parties and school events as well. I really enjoy my relationship with my kids' half-siblings (they seem to think of me like an aunt) and feel lucky that everyone gets along well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not a step parent. But, my brother's second wife attended the events of his kids with his first wife. My family is very inclusive, so it seemed really normal to us. Now the kids are grown and have their own kids and my brother has passed. His second wife (who he later divorced) is still very active with his kids with his first wife and their kids (her step grandkids). I think everyone's lives have been enriched by this relationship.

I agree. But, all too often, the ex-wife is so jealous that any kind of relationship is impossible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not a step parent. But, my brother's second wife attended the events of his kids with his first wife. My family is very inclusive, so it seemed really normal to us. Now the kids are grown and have their own kids and my brother has passed. His second wife (who he later divorced) is still very active with his kids with his first wife and their kids (her step grandkids). I think everyone's lives have been enriched by this relationship.

I agree. But, all too often, the ex-wife is so jealous that any kind of relationship is impossible.

Is it really necessary for the stepmother to come to every single event? I'm planning to be friendly to my STBX's new partners, but I certainly don't want to have to deal with them at every event. And there are definitely areas where I am going to draw a firm boundary, like parent-teacher and doctor appointments. It's only human to not like the new partner, and for a stepmother to try to make a point about going to EVERY soccer game starts to seem a little bit like she wants to prove something ...

[Anonymous]

I went to step son's HS graduation a few years ago and it was awkward as DH's Ex-W would like to imagine a world where my DC and I don't exist (and no, I wasn't an AP).

I then skipped my step daughters 6th grade graduation and 8th grade graduation. Will probably skip her HS graduation and step son's college graduation.

We tried for so long to just hang out and get to know each other and it was really painful for everyone (and the kids obviously feel their mother's feelings and are mindful of how she would feel if they go too close to DC and I) so it was best to just let the chips fall where they may. I see step son a few times a year, during the shutdown I didnt see step daughter for almost the full two years. It is what it is.

On the other hand, my ex-DH has had a live-in girlfriend for a few years and she's come to sports events and performances with ex and I could care less. She isn't his mom, I'm not intimidated by her and having a friendly relationship with whom DH is with is only better for my DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went to step son's HS graduation a few years ago and it was awkward as DH's Ex-W would like to imagine a world where my DC and I don't exist (and no, I wasn't an AP).

I then skipped my step daughters 6th grade graduation and 8th grade graduation. Will probably skip her HS graduation and step son's college graduation.

We tried for so long to just hang out and get to know each other and it was really painful for everyone (and the kids obviously feel their mother's feelings and are mindful of how she would feel if they go too close to DC and I) so it was best to just let the chips fall where they may. I see step son a few times a year, during the shutdown I didnt see step daughter for almost the full two years. It is what it is.

On the other hand, my ex-DH has had a live-in girlfriend for a few years and she's come to sports events and performances with ex and I could care less. She isn't his mom, I'm not intimidated by her and having a friendly relationship with whom DH is with is only better for my DC.

How do you know they "feel their mother's feelings"? Maybe they just don't like you! I certainly dislike my stepmother even though my mother doesn't mind. And my stepmother's insistence on blaming my mother only makes me dislike her and avoid her even more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not a step parent. But, my brother's second wife attended the events of his kids with his first wife. My family is very inclusive, so it seemed really normal to us. Now the kids are grown and have their own kids and my brother has passed. His second wife (who he later divorced) is still very active with his kids with his first wife and their kids (her step grandkids). I think everyone's lives have been enriched by this relationship.

I agree. But, all too often, the ex-wife is so jealous that any kind of relationship is impossible.

Is it really necessary for the stepmother to come to every single event? I'm planning to be friendly to my STBX's new partners, but I certainly don't want to have to deal with them at every event. And there are definitely areas where I am going to draw a firm boundary, like parent-teacher and doctor appointments. It's only human to not like the new partner, and for a stepmother to try to make a point about going to EVERY soccer game starts to seem a little bit like she wants to prove something ...

I think the key is to start with a conversation ahead of time about these kinds of things and set up some basic expectations. My ex and I are both remarried and while we aren't buddies, we do communicate about the kids well and so we talk through what makes sense to have everyone attend and what should just be us. When the kids were young we reserved things like conferences and meetings to just the two of us but games and performances included anyone who wanted to be there. Our basic guiding principle was that if there were going to be lots of people in the room, the more the merrier, but if it was going to be just parents and professionals, it should just be us.

Now that they are older we let them guide this too. For example, my oldest specifically asked that only my ex and I move her into her dorm freshman year (it's an easy drive, so we didn't have to travel together). We also sometimes get other combos--my HS kid, a science lover, invited my husband and her dad to something her AP environment science class was doing because she knew they would both be very into it and appreciate it in a way that I, her loving but definitely not science-y mother, would not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never invited to anything. Mom had an affair and left to live with AP (been many years now). We still get calls for money from all of them but that's about it. I think they finally got it we are not giving money beyond what Mom gets given the divorce was 30 years ago. I can see them coming after me or us/when one of us passes. Mom came after us when we got married so I'd pay her child support (judge threw it out). If mom wants to pretend dad doesn't exist and AP is dad she should stop taking our money.

Honestly, this is horrible. You are punishing the kids for mom’s behavior. Also, doesn’t make sense - the divorce was 30 years ago but you are still paying bioMom? Child support to the parent stops at 21. Are you paying alimony? Profits from a business? That’s money properly owed to Mom for whatever term and it is not for the kids but to compensate mom for her equity not provided at divorce.

If it’s been 30 years since the divorce and your step kids only call for money, that’s highly reflective of the quality of relationship you have (or haven’t) built with the kids.

I feel sorry for the kids.

Actually child support stops at 18. What business? My husband paid alimony for 15 years and their marriage was only 9. He also paid child support way past 18 so there was no drama till she took him/us to court after two were over 18 as she felt my income should be included in the child support calculation. When spouse retired, she also got 1/2 his pension that started when they were in their late 30's for the rest of her/his life. She's been equally paid off and why shouldn't she be held accountable for her behavior. She destroyed the relationship with Dad and with herself. All the kids are pretty messed up thanks to her in their own way. You shouldn't be rewarded for cheating and moving in with your AP. After 20+ years, why can't he take responsibility for her, marry her so she can get his insurance and her financially support her. You think its fair that she cheated, they divorced after 9 years of marriage, because she cheated and choose to be with the AP, and he has to pay for the rest of his life?

I feel sorry for the kids too. They had a pretty crappy childhood with mom and lost their father. The AP was a really bad replacement for Dad.

I also feel bad for the kids that she didn't teach them any financial responsibility and the one that had the most hope for is in a marriage that his wife is openly cheating on him (the example mom set) and is heavily in debt. He cannot leave the marriage or reality is he'll get all the debt and have to pay child support/alimony that he cannot afford and probably lose the kids as well. Its truly sad to see the next generation repeating their parents mistakes.

just fyi- in some states (DC, for example) child support goes until 21. Child support is an obligation to the child, not the Mom, and therefore should never be used as a punishment for perceived bad behavior of the parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to hate it when my step-parents came to events. I found it very awkward. They liked to pretend they were doing it "for the kids" but really they were doing it to show off their "amicable" divorce and what a happy "blended" family they are, when of course the truth is nothing like that. My events were just an excuse for them to do that, they didn't actually care about being there.

What? You poor thing. Either you are misinterpreting your step parents’ intentions, or they were jerks, but either way, it’s VERY important for step parents to attend their kids’ events.

One of the worst things in the world is to have a step-parent who doesn’t see you as there. Ask me how I know

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes if you are a normal step mom.

No if you are the other woman.

Not true. My sister married someone years after his divorce and the ex wife has been awful to her. My sister ended up disengaging entirely from her spouse's first family situation. They have their own family now and while he attends big events for his older kids, who are now spread out all over, his relationship with them is not what it would have been if his ex wife hadn't been so horrible to him and my sister. His older kids and my sister both prefer not to be in the same place, so she loses her husband a few nonholiday weekends a year and she takes some weekends for herself with me or her friends and leaves their young kids with him just to get a break.

At some point, he should choose his current wife and kids if the older kids don't really want him around. They are adults and can make their own choices. Her kids shouldn't have to miss out with their dad.

True, but by the time he finally figured all this out, a lot of damage was done. She’s pretty disengaged from not just his older kids but him now, too. They kind of live separate lives but show up together for kid stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to hate it when my step-parents came to events. I found it very awkward. They liked to pretend they were doing it "for the kids" but really they were doing it to show off their "amicable" divorce and what a happy "blended" family they are, when of course the truth is nothing like that. My events were just an excuse for them to do that, they didn't actually care about being there.

As a child of divorce I can say this is total bull$h*t. I loved it when people that I loved came to my things.

It’s not BS. Your personal experience does not make it BS. I agree with PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to hate it when my step-parents came to events. I found it very awkward. They liked to pretend they were doing it "for the kids" but really they were doing it to show off their "amicable" divorce and what a happy "blended" family they are, when of course the truth is nothing like that. My events were just an excuse for them to do that, they didn't actually care about being there.

What? You poor thing. Either you are misinterpreting your step parents’ intentions, or they were jerks, but either way, it’s VERY important for step parents to attend their kids’ events.

One of the worst things in the world is to have a step-parent who doesn’t see you as there. Ask me how I know

I'm sorry for whatever you went through, but it doesn't mean I needed a whole step-entourage following me around. They were doing it for their own benefit, not mine, so I felt really used by it. It was such an awkward spectacle, because it involved infidelity and we lived in a small town, so my step-parents' exes would be there too. Sometimes it's important to give other people space and not be strutting around trying to prove that everything's so totally fine and awesome just because you've cornered people into tolerating your presence. Step-parents should consider whose interests are being served and whether it's actually something the child wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to hate it when my step-parents came to events. I found it very awkward. They liked to pretend they were doing it "for the kids" but really they were doing it to show off their "amicable" divorce and what a happy "blended" family they are, when of course the truth is nothing like that. My events were just an excuse for them to do that, they didn't actually care about being there.

As a child of divorce I can say this is total bull$h*t. I loved it when people that I loved came to my things.

It’s not BS. Your personal experience does not make it BS. I agree with PP.

What if you didn't love them, though? And what if they weren't doing it for your sake, but for their own?

[Anonymous]

I have not gone to many of DSS's events. It created some tension between DH and his Ex and it was just easier for me to skip them. Going to things like the parent-teacher conference of doctor's appointments was always out of question.

[Anonymous]

My EXDH and I would attend open events together - cordially. After he remarried, something must have happened on his end b/c he began demanding that I stop going to open events that fell on his scheduled time (meaning games, recitals - not practices). Luckily our parent agreement was clear on this, so I pointed to that repeatedly. I recommend getting this type of thing in writing to avoid issues in the future.

[Anonymous]

I attend my step child’s events if invited. I want to be involved.