DH job change

[Anonymous]

OP, we just did this last year - my husband quit his long-term job and started a new company with a former co-worker. We also have two young kids in an expensive private school and a full-time nanny, plus a hefty mortgage on a new house, so it was a risk for us as well. I think you need to make sure there is a business plan mapped out - how long will your husband be without income? Do you have savings to cover his lost income for that period of time? What is his expected income once he starts getting paid? What will the increase to your nanny's salary be if/when you have a baby? What kind of house are you looking at, and what would that mortgage be? Would your equity in your current place cover the down payment or do you need additional funds for that? Finally, what happens if it doesn't work out? Could your husband get his old job back? Or perhaps a similar job? I place a lot of emphasis on happiness, which is why I fully supported my husband's job change, but we also had our safety net figured out as well. If you don't, then any pleasure he takes from his new job will be ruined by stress. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^^the point is that, like most women, her husband, who is supposed to be the #1 priority, slips to like, third or fourth priority. Your marriage should be the utmost priority. Not a child-centered existence. What is going on here is a completely child-centered existence and an emphasis on material things. I feel bad for DH. He has an opportunity to fulfill his dream in what seems like pretty good and stable circumstances but OP’s desire for new cars and more square footage trumps everything.

Exactly. The marriage is #1, NOT one person's crapshoot dream.

Ever watch Shark Tank? Most of those entrepreneurs have/had a full-time job, and worked on their business on the side. It was only once the business was generating enough revenue that they quit their full-time job. If her DH wants to be an entrepreneur, fine, but the current proposal sounds like it will fall through. The partner is admittedly "not a business person", and people like that tend to run businesses right into the ground. He will have no guarantee of an income. If he was single and wanted to risk everything on this sketchy proposal, fine, but he has a wife and child.

If her DH truly wanted to leave his job to fulfill his "dream", he would be looking into several different options and coming up with his own proposals, not just sitting around talking about his dreams until a friend decided to take advantage to help out a likely failing business.

[Anonymous]

I am a DW who supported DH's dream. Disclaimer is that I was younger and did not have golden handcuffs like OP. All I will say is this, if OP dissuades her DH from following his dream due to "lifestyle" issues, she better pray to God that the business is not successful. Because if he passes because of her unwillingness to sacrifice something and the business blows up, he will be resentful to no end. The OP and her DH should sit down, run the numbers and see if it makes sense - it may not and that is ok. However OP should also have in her pocket some sacrifices she would be willing to make. Saying "DH, I do not want you to follow your dream because I don't want to make any sacrifices or give up anything" is a death knell to the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^^the point is that, like most women, her husband, who is supposed to be the #1 priority, slips to like, third or fourth priority. Your marriage should be the utmost priority. Not a child-centered existence. What is going on here is a completely child-centered existence and an emphasis on material things. I feel bad for DH. He has an opportunity to fulfill his dream in what seems like pretty good and stable circumstances but OP’s desire for new cars and more square footage trumps everything.

and expensive nanny and private school that no way OP could swing without DH's currently extremely high income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d prioritize my husband’s well-thought-out dream over an imaginary second child that doesn’t exist.

Why is his well thought out dream of a business more valid than her well thought out dream of a 2nd baby? My question would be: How old is OP? Do you have time to wait? How resentful will you be if this business fails? Will it wreck your marriage?

I think you really need to talk out various scenarios and potential outcoems and really strive to agree on a path forward that you can both live with, today and in the future whatever can comes to pass. Easier said than done of course.

Because he would be my husband. My true love. The only one on earth I chose over all others. You know, what women tend to forget when they have baby-brain (and yes, I am a woman). To be quite honest I think a large percentage of men would be fine without ever having children, let alone a specific number, and to this point he’s made every effort to give OP their first lovely child and a comfortable living. I don’t think it’s asking too much that he be given a chance at this career path. It sounds like OP is mostly on board except for having to do without some material luxuries they don’t really need, and waiting or compromising on another kid. Really not seeing much of an issue here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^^the point is that, like most women, her husband, who is supposed to be the #1 priority, slips to like, third or fourth priority. Your marriage should be the utmost priority. Not a child-centered existence. What is going on here is a completely child-centered existence and an emphasis on material things. I feel bad for DH. He has an opportunity to fulfill his dream in what seems like pretty good and stable circumstances but OP’s desire for new cars and more square footage trumps everything.

Who on god's green earth said her husband is supposed to be her first priority? Most people get married to become partners in bringing children into the world. Some people make a different contract but it is explicit in the beginning (or should be). No one said she should start ignoring her husband and treating him like crap just because she has kids, but to imply that she should forgo kids for her husband's dreams is obscene.

That said, yes, OP, you take it too far. Ask your DH to come up with a strategy to make your lives work with his new plan without forging a 2nd kid. It can be done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^the point is that, like most women, her husband, who is supposed to be the #1 priority, slips to like, third or fourth priority. Your marriage should be the utmost priority. Not a child-centered existence. What is going on here is a completely child-centered existence and an emphasis on material things. I feel bad for DH. He has an opportunity to fulfill his dream in what seems like pretty good and stable circumstances but OP’s desire for new cars and more square footage trumps everything.

Who on god's green earth said her husband is supposed to be her first priority? Most people get married to become partners in bringing children into the world. Some people make a different contract but it is explicit in the beginning (or should be). No one said she should start ignoring her husband and treating him like crap just because she has kids, but to imply that she should forgo kids for her husband's dreams is obscene.

That said, yes, OP, you take it too far. Ask your DH to come up with a strategy to make your lives work with his new plan without forging a 2nd kid. It can be done.

It is really sad if most people marry for a sperm donor.

[Anonymous]

Why do you pay $40k for a nanny when your kid is in school? Can you use aftercare?

[Anonymous]

Cut expenses. You are living too high off the hog. What if it were an illness or a layoff instead of an entrepreneurial opportunity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:$150k is still a very generous salary. And I'm assuming you have savings? And is a nanny really necessary?

So now you want OP to work to bring in $150k AND watch the child at the same time? How does that work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a DW who supported DH's dream. Disclaimer is that I was younger and did not have golden handcuffs like OP. All I will say is this, if OP dissuades her DH from following his dream due to "lifestyle" issues, she better pray to God that the business is not successful. Because if he passes because of her unwillingness to sacrifice something and the business blows up, he will be resentful to no end. The OP and her DH should sit down, run the numbers and see if it makes sense - it may not and that is ok. However OP should also have in her pocket some sacrifices she would be willing to make. Saying "DH, I do not want you to follow your dream because I don't want to make any sacrifices or give up anything" is a death knell to the marriage.

+1. This is what I’m reading from OP. She wants to make no compromises. OP, it’s fine not to necessarily support your husband in this particular goal if you see it as a risky proposition, but you at least need to hear him out and think about where you can BOTH make sacrifices to have what you want. In this case, it sounds like a second child and a job DH is happier doing every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^the point is that, like most women, her husband, who is supposed to be the #1 priority, slips to like, third or fourth priority. Your marriage should be the utmost priority. Not a child-centered existence. What is going on here is a completely child-centered existence and an emphasis on material things. I feel bad for DH. He has an opportunity to fulfill his dream in what seems like pretty good and stable circumstances but OP’s desire for new cars and more square footage trumps everything.

Who on god's green earth said her husband is supposed to be her first priority? Most people get married to become partners in bringing children into the world. Some people make a different contract but it is explicit in the beginning (or should be). No one said she should start ignoring her husband and treating him like crap just because she has kids, but to imply that she should forgo kids for her husband's dreams is obscene.

That said, yes, OP, you take it too far. Ask your DH to come up with a strategy to make your lives work with his new plan without forging a 2nd kid. It can be done.

It is really sad if most people marry for a sperm donor.

It’s really sad for the woman and family if the #1 priority always has to be the husband. I didn’t realize we were living in the Middle Ages and women are only there to serve their husbands.

Yes, the husband could be resentful if she vetoed blowing their savings on a crazy dream. However, how angry would the wife be if he blows their savings on a pipe dream and she puts off having another child until it’s no longer possible? In these situations it’s important to think of the worst case scenarios and make a plan when you’re solid ground. Waiting to discuss until the situation happens is a bad idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^the point is that, like most women, her husband, who is supposed to be the #1 priority, slips to like, third or fourth priority. Your marriage should be the utmost priority. Not a child-centered existence. What is going on here is a completely child-centered existence and an emphasis on material things. I feel bad for DH. He has an opportunity to fulfill his dream in what seems like pretty good and stable circumstances but OP’s desire for new cars and more square footage trumps everything.

Who on god's green earth said her husband is supposed to be her first priority? Most people get married to become partners in bringing children into the world. Some people make a different contract but it is explicit in the beginning (or should be). No one said she should start ignoring her husband and treating him like crap just because she has kids, but to imply that she should forgo kids for her husband's dreams is obscene.

That said, yes, OP, you take it too far. Ask your DH to come up with a strategy to make your lives work with his new plan without forging a 2nd kid. It can be done.

It is really sad if most people marry for a sperm donor.

It’s really sad for the woman and family if the #1 priority always has to be the husband. I didn’t realize we were living in the Middle Ages and women are only there to serve their husbands.

Yes, the husband could be resentful if she vetoed blowing their savings on a crazy dream. However, how angry would the wife be if he blows their savings on a pipe dream and she puts off having another child until it’s no longer possible? In these situations it’s important to think of the worst case scenarios and make a plan when you’re solid ground. Waiting to discuss until the situation happens is a bad idea.

Are you guys being this dense on purpose? The PP you are all responding to clearly said the MARRIAGE should be the first priority. Not being a subservient wife. Kids will grow up someday and leave the house. You’re still left with each other. Value the marriage and your compromises for each other within it because when it comes down to it, that came first.

[Anonymous]

yes, you support him in this plan.

[Anonymous]

OP, you make a lot of money but you and your DH both have jobs where you need to leave too early to go without care before your daughter's school is in session, AND you work too late for her to go to aftercare? If you could figure a way to flex or stagger your schedules, or parcel out before care and after care, you could significantly decrease the nanny cost.

Also, you have a 4k mortgage on a 2br apt, so it must be a very nice place. Could you temporarily downgrade while DH's business gets off the ground?

It seems like you have a lot of levers you can pull in your current budget to free up space for him to pursue his dream, but sounds like you're simply unwilling.