Question to SMCs: do you have a compromise job or career?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - indeed, it is not a contest. I posted a question to SMCs about their career issues and was curious for their feedback. I am not sure why non SMC single parenting parents have an issue with that. No-one is playing victim here, I just don't understand why you all have a problem with the term SMC or the concept of SMC and an SMC network, and why it bugs you that such a group exists.

And no, PP, as per SMC definition, you are not an SMC, since it was not your choice to become pregnant on your own. I understand that some single Moms like yourself and some of the other PPs did not have a co-parent. A friend of mine's husband recently died and left her with a 7 and 9 year old. So, now she is also a single parent. But she is not an SMC.

SMC was a term I used, that's not what is the most important here. I was curious about how parents who parent alone from day1 are able to balance parenting and career, e.g. if they had to compromise on travel, take a less demanding job with less hours, less travel etc. Please do not try and tell me that the issue is the same in a two-parent family, because it is not. My friend in Canada has two little kids under six. She has business trips to the US once in a while and she travels for four days when she does that. Her husband takes care of the kids. This would be much more difficult to do for a single parenting parent without a reliable co-parent. My other friend travels to Asia all the time, for long periods of time. Again, the husband takes care of their kid. Again, a totally single parenting parent could not be able to do this. On the other hand, I have a coworker who is divorced, but has a good arrangement with her ex. So, she can travel without a problem; her ex will take care of the kid.

But several people have responded that DON'T have either a reliable or even another coparent and you are upset because they are not SMC. Totally ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

OP- why would I be upset that they are not SMC? You are being ridiculous. If they are totally on their own, they have the same challenges as an SMC, of course!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - indeed, it is not a contest. I posted a question to SMCs about their career issues and was curious for their feedback. I am not sure why non SMC single parenting parents have an issue with that. No-one is playing victim here, I just don't understand why you all have a problem with the term SMC or the concept of SMC and an SMC network, and why it bugs you that such a group exists.

And no, PP, as per SMC definition, you are not an SMC, since it was not your choice to become pregnant on your own. I understand that some single Moms like yourself and some of the other PPs did not have a co-parent. A friend of mine's husband recently died and left her with a 7 and 9 year old. So, now she is also a single parent. But she is not an SMC.

SMC was a term I used, that's not what is the most important here. I was curious about how parents who parent alone from day1 are able to balance parenting and career, e.g. if they had to compromise on travel, take a less demanding job with less hours, less travel etc. Please do not try and tell me that the issue is the same in a two-parent family, because it is not. My friend in Canada has two little kids under six. She has business trips to the US once in a while and she travels for four days when she does that. Her husband takes care of the kids. This would be much more difficult to do for a single parenting parent without a reliable co-parent. My other friend travels to Asia all the time, for long periods of time. Again, the husband takes care of their kid. Again, a totally single parenting parent could not be able to do this. On the other hand, I have a coworker who is divorced, but has a good arrangement with her ex. So, she can travel without a problem; her ex will take care of the kid.

So what is bothering the non-SMC single moms who are responding to you is that they are saying that YES they have had to compromise on their careers, but you're saying "I don't care about what YOU have had to do, I care about SMCs and whether THEY have had to compromise!"

It's really irritating to be told, "We have NOTHING in common you and me!" when we're all sitting here saying, "I can totally relate to that issue!"

As for the bolded, you just told a woman who has been alone SINCE PREGNANCY that she's not the type of person you want to share experiences with, since she's not the RIGHT KIND of "parent alone from day 1" even though she's BEEN parenting alone since day 1.

Single parenting in ALL forms is different from two parent homes - even when there is 50/50 custody or other frequent visitation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It really seems like SMC's always feel like they are better than women who are single moms for other reasons. I was single and pregnant with no contact with the father, and I wasn't able to find any kind of supportive group to join. The only group in this area for single pregnant women is a SMC group that specifically excludes women in other situations. I really could have used the support but I got pregnant "the wrong way" so I never was able to join an expectant moms group. OP, you should work on your shitty attitude and maybe you won't feel like you're "alone with no help."

I agree PP. I'm not an SMC, but I also never divorced (yay for never getting married!) so I always fell through the support cracks too. Now I have a great community of friends who are single, married, widowed, not married/no kids, single dad's, you name it. We have things in common other than parenting, and we're supportive of each other.

I hope you've found your tribe too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - indeed, it is not a contest. I posted a question to SMCs about their career issues and was curious for their feedback. I am not sure why non SMC single parenting parents have an issue with that. No-one is playing victim here, I just don't understand why you all have a problem with the term SMC or the concept of SMC and an SMC network, and why it bugs you that such a group exists.

And no, PP, as per SMC definition, you are not an SMC, since it was not your choice to become pregnant on your own. I understand that some single Moms like yourself and some of the other PPs did not have a co-parent. A friend of mine's husband recently died and left her with a 7 and 9 year old. So, now she is also a single parent. But she is not an SMC.

SMC was a term I used, that's not what is the most important here. I was curious about how parents who parent alone from day1 are able to balance parenting and career, e.g. if they had to compromise on travel, take a less demanding job with less hours, less travel etc. Please do not try and tell me that the issue is the same in a two-parent family, because it is not. My friend in Canada has two little kids under six. She has business trips to the US once in a while and she travels for four days when she does that. Her husband takes care of the kids. This would be much more difficult to do for a single parenting parent without a reliable co-parent. My other friend travels to Asia all the time, for long periods of time. Again, the husband takes care of their kid. Again, a totally single parenting parent could not be able to do this. On the other hand, I have a coworker who is divorced, but has a good arrangement with her ex. So, she can travel without a problem; her ex will take care of the kid.

So what is bothering the non-SMC single moms who are responding to you is that they are saying that YES they have had to compromise on their careers, but you're saying "I don't care about what YOU have had to do, I care about SMCs and whether THEY have had to compromise!"

It's really irritating to be told, "We have NOTHING in common you and me!" when we're all sitting here saying, "I can totally relate to that issue!"

As for the bolded, you just told a woman who has been alone SINCE PREGNANCY that she's not the type of person you want to share experiences with, since she's not the RIGHT KIND of "parent alone from day 1" even though she's BEEN parenting alone since day 1.

Single parenting in ALL forms is different from two parent homes - even when there is 50/50 custody or other frequent visitation.

This.

[Anonymous]

The reason some of us apparently "non-SMC" parents posted was out of solidarity for you. We posted to say, "you're not alone in this." We have had to make major compromises in our careers, even though we may have a slightly "easier" circumstance than you. I just assume that a completely solo mom (no co-parent) is going to be making those compromises, even more so than me.

The only single moms I know whose careers didn't take a deep dive are those with a sh*tload of money they can throw at child-care/nanny/etc. or those with family in the area they can rely on for that.

[Anonymous]

Exactly pp. A single mom who can afford a great Nanny most likely has better career options than one who has an unreliable coparent.

[Anonymous]

Some do and some don’t.
I am not an SMC or some such yet will have a compromise job because my STBX is unreliable.

[Anonymous]

I think every mother feels this way, regardless of their relationship situation.

[Anonymous]

I am an SMC by adoption. I used to belong to a local SMC group years ago. At the time, there were members like m who had adopted, as well as those who did donor insemination and those who got pregnant the old fashioned way, and were still all on their own. In fact, the founder of the national organization, Jane Mattes, got pregnant buy a man, and chose to parent alone. I left the local group because, over the years, the group became more and more focused on fertility issues, and less inclusive of SMCs who became or were pursuing motherhood in other ways. Also, as my child got older, the way in which I became a mom was less important.
OP, on the one hand, yes I understand that being an SMC has particular challenges around time, dating and finances. It is really tough. OTOH, moms with no support at all from a partner are in similar situations, so there is no need to ignore their advice and support.
And yes, there have been many career opportunities and chances for advancement that I have had to pass up over the past decade due to being and SMC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - SMCs do not have a co-parent and therefore have zero downtime, that is why I was addressing this to other SMCs. Several divorced/ single Moms I know have a 50/50 arrangement with the other parent, who helps out financially and they share the kid 50/50% or the father has the kid every second weekend etc. Us, Single Moms by Choice do not have any financial help, or anyone else than ourselves to rely on. Therefore my post and question.
SMC is not an odd classification. It is those Moms who have kids via a sperm donor and did it on their own, i.e. they are not divorced, separated etc.

Also, by adoption (like me).

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am an SMC by adoption. I used to belong to a local SMC group years ago. At the time, there were members like m who had adopted, as well as those who did donor insemination and those who got pregnant the old fashioned way, and were still all on their own. In fact, the founder of the national organization, Jane Mattes, got pregnant buy a man, and chose to parent alone. I left the local group because, over the years, the group became more and more focused on fertility issues, and less inclusive of SMCs who became or were pursuing motherhood in other ways. Also, as my child got older, the way in which I became a mom was less important.
OP, on the one hand, yes I understand that being an SMC has particular challenges around time, dating and finances. It is really tough. OTOH, moms with no support at all from a partner are in similar situations, so there is no need to ignore their advice and support.
And yes, there have been many career opportunities and chances for advancement that I have had to pass up over the past decade due to being and SMC.

The meetup page for the SMC group is very exclusionary now, it specifically says "This group is not for single woman who conceived using a partner that is no longer in the picture or for women that got pregnant accidentally and decided to keep the child. We respect you and your journey, but there are other support groups for those situations."

The funny thing is, there aren't other support groups! I felt too embarrassed to join a regular expectant moms group because I didn't want to have to explain that the dad wasn't in the picture, so I didn't get to do any of that stuff.

[Anonymous]

OP, you so seem to make a distinction between SMC and SM not by choice but with the same experiences as a SMC and that is just short sighted. I was raised by a SM, by choice if you consider the fact that she left my abusive father a choice she made knowing she would struggle as a SM with with two kids. My father was not reliable so my mom couldn't just call him to pick me up at school if I was sick. My dad didn't go to my sports events. In all honesty, I do not know what having a father is like. My mom had to take jobs that paid the bills and let her be the only parent. When I was older, she went back to school. She took classes at night and did her school work early in the morning. She relied on the kindness of others to watch after me or get me to and from places. This is something many single parents experience regardless of how they became a single parent. I find your attitude insulting to all the single parents out there who have to sacrifice and figure it out on their own.

[Anonymous]

I know a SMC by sperm donor. She is a relative. She made the choice to go it alone, at a time when her career was thriving. She relocated to another part of the US, with her mother living there to support to help with the grandchild. She seems to be doing exceedingly well in her circumstance, and I suspect it was the planning of her network that went into play with the timing of how she planned everything else. So, to answer your original question, yes I think some SMcs can factor in ways to build that network from the beginning, and it helps in how they achieve their family and professional goals. In the case of my relative, her career does not seem to have suffered and I suspect her planning on protecting that with the choice to build a one-parent household singularly with live-in familial support made that possible.

I know another SP(C) who is in a high paying, high visibility career. She doesn’t seem to suffer in her promotional growth, and I suspect her positioning allows the financial resources to build a support network that helps on tough days (like when both are sick). With enough money, everything can be outsourced. I suspect she can afford it, which is great.

I’m a SP(divorced) with sole custody and a near absentee non-custodial parent who chooses to disengage. My career choice was to focus on education while staying home and being more flexible with the work while my child was young. Now that DD is older and in school, it is easier to commit to greater professional commitment, the money is better, and the guilt of being away is diminished since both of our needs change as we grow older and learn new ways of life.

I think a major difference in SMCs and my circumstance, if I had the ability to know going in, I’m doing this alone, I could have worked in prior years to prepare financially as best I could for potential impacts that might insulate area of my career that would otherwise suffer. When I realized my life was changing, I tried to adjust and do hat best I could, and all in all I’m content with my career ($160k salary, job I love, not perfect balance all the time but what ever is?) and don’t feel I got mommy tracked because I only stepped away temporarily. when I did I took a huge financial hit, it was a sacrifice to pay the cost of grad school, certifications, etc that still kept me relevant professionally in a community of interest to future employers, so it didn’t look like I was “only being a mom”. To them, I was in academic sabbatical as my hours reduced and I got low profile opportunities - but in the long run I re-emerged in the same place professionally I had as a life goal.

Bottom line, professional planning is just as critical as parental planning, and periods of sacrifice to support the long term goal will happen in one way or another. In my opinion, with each of the 3 examples above, that happened in each woman’s unique way, and careers didn’t take a major hit. In each example, there is a huge community of support because it takes a village. And when you’re single, you’re the chief, building it alone.

Hope that makes sense. And I wish you the best in shaping and achieving your future vision OP.

[Anonymous]

NP-

I am a SMC with a now elementary age child. My career and stability have fluctuated and the salary went down by close to $100,000 as I built a new career that utilized my skills in a new way. The initial transfer and segue was challenging but has worked for us as a family. Now that DC is slightly older, I plan work trips in advance as much as I can, fly grandparents in to stay when I’m gone and rely on my “village.”

Parenting is exhausting- yet rewarding. I find that it helps to lunch with other parent I have known since our kids were babies and discuss the foibles of today ... good sounding board- and makes me realize that girls, boys - they all present challenges to us!

I do confess that being jealous of the extended family network of other parents, but that could be forvsingle, divorces or married couples!

In my field I’ve advocated for us to move overseas ... we are relatively inexpensive compared to larger families- and the Benefits and salary would allow for more support than the high cost of living here in DC. That preference came as a surprise to my management!

Travel and as hoc changes can often be more stressful to accommodate!