Question to SMCs: do you have a compromise job or career?

[Anonymous]

Dear SMCs:
I am just wondering if there are others like me out there. Being a SMC is so difficult, e.g. my kids are sick and I am home with them. I feel like I can do this because my job is not so demanding, and it is safe and stable and I cannot be fired easily. At the same time, I feel it is a "compromise" job, but the for time being, it seems to be the safest solution. Do any of the other SMCs on this board feel the same way about their job? I am not complaining, I know I am lucky to be in this situation, but I do miss having a more interesting job.

Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Yes, I most definitely have a compromise job. I resigned from my job when I (finally) got pregnant because of the travel demands. Now I have an undemanding, dead-end job for which I am way overqualified. The only drawback is that I'm also way underpaid, so I've been thinking about finding something better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I most definitely have a compromise job. I resigned from my job when I (finally) got pregnant because of the travel demands. Now I have an undemanding, dead-end job for which I am way overqualified. The only drawback is that I'm also way underpaid, so I've been thinking about finding something better.

Forgot to sign it. -- SMC of two kids who are still young.

[Anonymous]

What is smc?

[Anonymous]

OP here - SMCs do not have a co-parent and therefore have zero downtime, that is why I was addressing this to other SMCs. Several divorced/ single Moms I know have a 50/50 arrangement with the other parent, who helps out financially and they share the kid 50/50% or the father has the kid every second weekend etc. Us, Single Moms by Choice do not have any financial help, or anyone else than ourselves to rely on. Therefore my post and question.
SMC is not an odd classification. It is those Moms who have kids via a sperm donor and did it on their own, i.e. they are not divorced, separated etc.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am a SM, not by choice, but live a similar reality: "co-parent and therefore have zero downtime...do not have any financial help, or anyone else than ourselves to rely on."
So, by choice or not, we are still a community of parents who need each other's support. And like all the SM(C) or SP(C) who have responded thus far, I am working in a position that is less than ideal, pays the bills, and accommodates a certain level of flexibility need to raise my DC. FWIW, I am working on building a community of support for our family. So far, it's been a challenge and has taken some time to cultivate a core group of supportive friends and parents. I feel a little lighter knowing that I have them in my corner.

Anonymous wrote:OP here - SMCs do not have a co-parent and therefore have zero downtime, that is why I was addressing this to other SMCs. Several divorced/ single Moms I know have a 50/50 arrangement with the other parent, who helps out financially and they share the kid 50/50% or the father has the kid every second weekend etc. Us, Single Moms by Choice do not have any financial help, or anyone else than ourselves to rely on. Therefore my post and question.
SMC is not an odd classification. It is those Moms who have kids via a sperm donor and did it on their own, i.e. they are not divorced, separated etc.

[Anonymous]

OP here - thanks for the responses, and I did not mean to exclude other SPs. I understand there are non SMC parents who are in a similar situation as SMCs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - SMCs do not have a co-parent and therefore have zero downtime, that is why I was addressing this to other SMCs. Several divorced/ single Moms I know have a 50/50 arrangement with the other parent, who helps out financially and they share the kid 50/50% or the father has the kid every second weekend etc. Us, Single Moms by Choice do not have any financial help, or anyone else than ourselves to rely on. Therefore my post and question.
SMC is not an odd classification. It is those Moms who have kids via a sperm donor and did it on their own, i.e. they are not divorced, separated etc.

No one suggested it was odd. People (including myself) were not familiar with the acronym SMC. I get it now, and have several friends in your position. I would not say that they have compromise careers, but I know that they rely heavily on the support of their community and paid help when things get tough at work.

[Anonymous]

Of course I do and you’re delusional if you think it’s gong to work without that. I enjoy my job, but I keep my eye on hours and location, and it’s not the job I would have taken with no kids.

[Anonymous]

There is another thread of parents of special needs kids basically asking the same question - did you have to cut back your career or SAHM to parent your child -- http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/698027.page

Definitely most parents were not happy about having found themselves so limited even if they thought they were doing the right thing by their kids.

[Anonymous]

OP here - yes, someone posted (seems to be removed) yesterday that SMC is an odd classification. That is what I responded to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - SMCs do not have a co-parent and therefore have zero downtime, that is why I was addressing this to other SMCs. Several divorced/ single Moms I know have a 50/50 arrangement with the other parent, who helps out financially and they share the kid 50/50% or the father has the kid every second weekend etc. Us, Single Moms by Choice do not have any financial help, or anyone else than ourselves to rely on. Therefore my post and question.
SMC is not an odd classification. It is those Moms who have kids via a sperm donor and did it on their own, i.e. they are not divorced, separated etc.

OP, while I understand the SMC acronym, I would encourage you to rethink your "anyone other than ourselves to rely on" self-description. No parent can parent effectively without relying on other people. The assumption is that married or divorced parents have a co-parent they can "rely" on. This is often not the case, and many of us are trapped in situations with a spouse or co-parent who are actually unreliable and make co-parenting harder. There are many days when I have thought that co-parenting would be easier if I were SMC, and I'm sure SMC sometimes think co-parenting would be easier with a partner. Those of us with unreliable parenting partners have learned that all parents have to build their network of support if it is not found naturally in a supportive 2 parent structure. Nannies, babysitters, neighborhood babysitting co-ops, friends, supportive co-workers who can cover for you and you them, supportive bosses, insurance plans for disability or unemployment, church, mentoring groups, tutors, sports or activities, etc. Pay them, befriend them or trade them. But, it can't be just you. That's not healthy for you, and it's not healthy for the kids.

[Anonymous]

I'm not a SMC, but I'm an accidental single mom whose career has always taken a backseat to that of my coparent. He is former military and now a contractor, and he has frequent deployments where I'm parenting solo for months on end. I absolutely mommy-tracked myself when I found out I was pregnant, and I continue to do so.

I absolutely agree with you - it can be a hard compromise to make. I hate my job so much sometimes. It is more stable and requires less hours and no travel (unlike my previous jobs) but I am so tired of going there. But I need the salary it provides, and the flexibility to be the one leaving early for soccer practice or teleworking on the day of the class play. I need the ability to work from home if my kid has a 102 fever or call in sick.

You're not alone. Being the sole breadwinner or the primary breadwinner while also being the only parent or the default parent is hard.

[Anonymous]

OP here - thanks PP, I totally understand.
And while I do not want to exclude other single parenting parents, with all due respect to the 10:40 poster, please do not try and tell me that a divorced parent can at least minimally not rely on the other parent. Unless your ex is a total absent parent who disappeared, does not pay any child support and never has the kids. For example: both I and my two kids have been sick all week, since last week Friday. I cannot rely on my ex to help out, to give me some relief with the kids. Most single parents I know can call the other parent and ask for some help. Several of the single moms I know had the kid's pre-school expenses paid by the father. Of course I can rely on babysitters, and such, but that is not what the post was about. My post to totally single parenting parents was about asking them if they had to compromise in their career due to single parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - SMCs do not have a co-parent and therefore have zero downtime, that is why I was addressing this to other SMCs. Several divorced/ single Moms I know have a 50/50 arrangement with the other parent, who helps out financially and they share the kid 50/50% or the father has the kid every second weekend etc. Us, Single Moms by Choice do not have any financial help, or anyone else than ourselves to rely on. Therefore my post and question.
SMC is not an odd classification. It is those Moms who have kids via a sperm donor and did it on their own, i.e. they are not divorced, separated etc.

Also, by adoption (like me).