Question to SMCs: do you have a compromise job or career?

[Anonymous]

OP - congrats PP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - SMCs do not have a co-parent and therefore have zero downtime, that is why I was addressing this to other SMCs. Several divorced/ single Moms I know have a 50/50 arrangement with the other parent, who helps out financially and they share the kid 50/50% or the father has the kid every second weekend etc. Us, Single Moms by Choice do not have any financial help, or anyone else than ourselves to rely on. Therefore my post and question.
SMC is not an odd classification. It is those Moms who have kids via a sperm donor and did it on their own, i.e. they are not divorced, separated etc.

Actually OP, that's not really isn't an SMC - it's a single woman who choose to pursue motherhood without a partner. It's a conscious choice vs. a forced choice; hence, the choice part.

To answer your question, I am a SMC, yes, I had to make major compromises in my career, my child is now a teen, and I don't think I will ever be able recover career wise. The result has been less salary and savings over the years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - SMCs do not have a co-parent and therefore have zero downtime, that is why I was addressing this to other SMCs. Several divorced/ single Moms I know have a 50/50 arrangement with the other parent, who helps out financially and they share the kid 50/50% or the father has the kid every second weekend etc. Us, Single Moms by Choice do not have any financial help, or anyone else than ourselves to rely on. Therefore my post and question.
SMC is not an odd classification. It is those Moms who have kids via a sperm donor and did it on their own, i.e. they are not divorced, separated etc.

OP, while I understand the SMC acronym, I would encourage you to rethink your "anyone other than ourselves to rely on" self-description. No parent can parent effectively without relying on other people. The assumption is that married or divorced parents have a co-parent they can "rely" on. This is often not the case, and many of us are trapped in situations with a spouse or co-parent who are actually unreliable and make co-parenting harder. There are many days when I have thought that co-parenting would be easier if I were SMC, and I'm sure SMC sometimes think co-parenting would be easier with a partner. Those of us with unreliable parenting partners have learned that all parents have to build their network of support if it is not found naturally in a supportive 2 parent structure. Nannies, babysitters, neighborhood babysitting co-ops, friends, supportive co-workers who can cover for you and you them, supportive bosses, insurance plans for disability or unemployment, church, mentoring groups, tutors, sports or activities, etc. Pay them, befriend them or trade them. But, it can't be just you. That's not healthy for you, and it's not healthy for the kids.

I am a SMC and I could not agree with you more. The unreliable co-parent situation is something that looks much harder to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks PP, I totally understand.
And while I do not want to exclude other single parenting parents, with all due respect to the 10:40 poster, please do not try and tell me that a divorced parent can at least minimally not rely on the other parent. Unless your ex is a total absent parent who disappeared, does not pay any child support and never has the kids. For example: both I and my two kids have been sick all week, since last week Friday. I cannot rely on my ex to help out, to give me some relief with the kids. Most single parents I know can call the other parent and ask for some help. Several of the single moms I know had the kid's pre-school expenses paid by the father. Of course I can rely on babysitters, and such, but that is not what the post was about. My post to totally single parenting parents was about asking them if they had to compromise in their career due to single parenting.

OP, this isn't a contest. Each situation sucks. I personally don't understand why you feel compelled to rank your parenting situation as "the worst". Some aspects are worse and some are better than those of us who have a living second bio-parent. Ever try parenting with a mentally ill person? How about a drug addict or alcoholic? Or someone who is defrauding you financially? Personally, SMC seems pretty good sometimes. Yes, it's true that some parents have a co-parent who cannot be relied upon at all in the way you describe. And sometimes having someone that you rely on that pulls the rug out from under you is just as bad as having no one at all.

Do you want first prize in the "my parenting job is harder than yours" division? Or do you want actual advice? Lots of parents have to compromise their careers for parenting -- single or not -- for zillions of reasons.

If you don't want to compromise your career, your going to have to find other people to help you, whether it's a babysitter or a coop or an hour at the kids club while you work out at the gym.

[Anonymous]

OP here - PP, did you read the entire thread and did you read my original post and question? I am not in a contest at all. For example, I have a friend, whose husband left him right after she told him she is pregnant. The ex has seen the kid a few times, but shows up very sporadically. Does not give any money, or care at all. Even when she texted him about the kid's b'day, he did not even respond. That for me for example is a worst situation. Would make me so sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - PP, did you read the entire thread and did you read my original post and question? I am not in a contest at all. For example, I have a friend, whose husband left him right after she told him she is pregnant. The ex has seen the kid a few times, but shows up very sporadically. Does not give any money, or care at all. Even when she texted him about the kid's b'day, he did not even respond. That for me for example is a worst situation. Would make me so sad.

Yes, I read the whole thread and your post and question. That you still say "that for me is a worst situation" tells me that you are still all about rank-ordering people's pain. I am puzzled as to why you feel compelled to do this.

[Anonymous]

I'm a widow. I'm definitely not a single mother by choice, but life it what it is. It's important to find a community so that you're not doing it alone.

[Anonymous]

OP here - PP 16:21; because she is my friend, and it makes her sad that her ex-husband has zero interest in their kid. In my mind, that would make me more sad than being an SMC and my kid not having a father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - PP 16:21; because she is my friend, and it makes her sad that her ex-husband has zero interest in their kid. In my mind, that would make me more sad than being an SMC and my kid not having a father.

Again, OP, you seem to be obsessed with ordering what kind of situations are better or worse than the one you have. When you say, "that would make me more sad than being an SMC and my kid not having a father, " suggests that you are sad about your situation. I mean this with kindness - please see a therapist experienced in CBT so you can reframe your view of your situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks PP, I totally understand.
And while I do not want to exclude other single parenting parents, with all due respect to the 10:40 poster, please do not try and tell me that a divorced parent can at least minimally not rely on the other parent. Unless your ex is a total absent parent who disappeared, does not pay any child support and never has the kids. For example: both I and my two kids have been sick all week, since last week Friday. I cannot rely on my ex to help out, to give me some relief with the kids. Most single parents I know can call the other parent and ask for some help. Several of the single moms I know had the kid's pre-school expenses paid by the father. Of course I can rely on babysitters, and such, but that is not what the post was about. My post to totally single parenting parents was about asking them if they had to compromise in their career due to single parenting.

Look OP, I'm not a SMC or whatever, but I am a single mom. I've been a single mom for more than 8 years, and my ex lives more than 250 miles away. He's involved, so I get some breaks, but he can't just come help out when we're both puking our guts out.

I'm also totally mommy tracked, and am completely unable to pursue career choices that I wish I could. It sucks. Does your situation suck more? Maybe. But you CHOSE your situation on purpose. I didn't end up a single mom because I wanted to be one.

Don't make it a contest - you'll just alienate the people who you need to be part of your community.

[Anonymous]

OP here - I would like to remind everyone that my post was directed towards SMCs, seeking feedback about their career situations. I am not sure why some of the posters feel the need to sidetrack this into another direction. This is so typical of DCUM, I see it happening all the time. Just give an answer to what I am asking. Or if the post is not meant for you, leave it alone and do not feel obliged to comment.
There was one poster who must have deleted the comment, who said SMC, what an odd classification, or something similar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks PP, I totally understand.
And while I do not want to exclude other single parenting parents, with all due respect to the 10:40 poster, please do not try and tell me that a divorced parent can at least minimally not rely on the other parent. Unless your ex is a total absent parent who disappeared, does not pay any child support and never has the kids. For example: both I and my two kids have been sick all week, since last week Friday. I cannot rely on my ex to help out, to give me some relief with the kids. Most single parents I know can call the other parent and ask for some help. Several of the single moms I know had the kid's pre-school expenses paid by the father. Of course I can rely on babysitters, and such, but that is not what the post was about. My post to totally single parenting parents was about asking them if they had to compromise in their career due to single parenting.

OP, this isn't a contest. Each situation sucks. I personally don't understand why you feel compelled to rank your parenting situation as "the worst". Some aspects are worse and some are better than those of us who have a living second bio-parent. Ever try parenting with a mentally ill person? How about a drug addict or alcoholic? Or someone who is defrauding you financially? Personally, SMC seems pretty good sometimes. Yes, it's true that some parents have a co-parent who cannot be relied upon at all in the way you describe. And sometimes having someone that you rely on that pulls the rug out from under you is just as bad as having no one at all.

Do you want first prize in the "my parenting job is harder than yours" division? Or do you want actual advice? Lots of parents have to compromise their careers for parenting -- single or not -- for zillions of reasons.

If you don't want to compromise your career, your going to have to find other people to help you, whether it's a babysitter or a coop or an hour at the kids club while you work out at the gym.

It really seems like SMC's always feel like they are better than women who are single moms for other reasons. I was single and pregnant with no contact with the father, and I wasn't able to find any kind of supportive group to join. The only group in this area for single pregnant women is a SMC group that specifically excludes women in other situations. I really could have used the support but I got pregnant "the wrong way" so I never was able to join an expectant moms group. OP, you should work on your shitty attitude and maybe you won't feel like you're "alone with no help."

[Anonymous]

OP here - PP, I totally disagree with your post. You are the one with the shitty attitude. You are obviously quite ignorant about what SMC really stands for and what women who are SMC go through. It is quite a particular situation, therefore the SMC network. Not because SMCs feel superior, but because they need each others' support. Are you sure there is no support group in the area that you could join? At your church? On a meetup, etc?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - PP, I totally disagree with your post. You are the one with the shitty attitude. You are obviously quite ignorant about what SMC really stands for and what women who are SMC go through. It is quite a particular situation, therefore the SMC network. Not because SMCs feel superior, but because they need each others' support. Are you sure there is no support group in the area that you could join? At your church? On a meetup, etc?

Im.not pp but am also baffled by your need to be the victim here OP. It was not planning on getting pregnant but when I did I chose not to have an abortion and knew that that meant I would be a single parent. Does that make me a single mom by choice? I guess based on your definition it doesn't. But I raised my son on my own for 11 years until I got married with no support from family or from his father. I am curious why you think other single mothers would not have insight into your situation.

And I agree with everyone else, it is not a contest! I also know very few parents who have not had to sacrifice their career because of parenthood!

[Anonymous]

OP here - indeed, it is not a contest. I posted a question to SMCs about their career issues and was curious for their feedback. I am not sure why non SMC single parenting parents have an issue with that. No-one is playing victim here, I just don't understand why you all have a problem with the term SMC or the concept of SMC and an SMC network, and why it bugs you that such a group exists.

And no, PP, as per SMC definition, you are not an SMC, since it was not your choice to become pregnant on your own. I understand that some single Moms like yourself and some of the other PPs did not have a co-parent. A friend of mine's husband recently died and left her with a 7 and 9 year old. So, now she is also a single parent. But she is not an SMC.

SMC was a term I used, that's not what is the most important here. I was curious about how parents who parent alone from day1 are able to balance parenting and career, e.g. if they had to compromise on travel, take a less demanding job with less hours, less travel etc. Please do not try and tell me that the issue is the same in a two-parent family, because it is not. My friend in Canada has two little kids under six. She has business trips to the US once in a while and she travels for four days when she does that. Her husband takes care of the kids. This would be much more difficult to do for a single parenting parent without a reliable co-parent. My other friend travels to Asia all the time, for long periods of time. Again, the husband takes care of their kid. Again, a totally single parenting parent could not be able to do this. On the other hand, I have a coworker who is divorced, but has a good arrangement with her ex. So, she can travel without a problem; her ex will take care of the kid.