I'm struggling so much with ending my marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These people telling you this is a 'in sickness and in health' situation are flat out wrong. I've been married 20 years and have 3 kids. My DH also suffers from depression and I've posted on DCUM at length about our struggles. We're about 8 years out from the point where our marriage 'broke' because of my DH's continued refusal to seek attention for his depression. In the past, he'd struggled with depression but since he was willing to seek treatment, I was right with him. This time was different. While he acknowledged the medication he took was no longer effective, he refused all my efforts to help him. I ended up developing depression myself and had to take an SSRI (my only regret was waiting so long to take it).

Living with my DH was endangering my own my mental health and, even more critically, the mental health of our kids. These people who are telling you to stick it out have no understanding of the impact of untreated depression on those living in the household. After I initiated separation, my DH began seeking treatment but by that time our marriage had broken. Why we ended up NOT divorcing is a long story and I would characterize our marriage as 'happy' but it's not what it used to be and I absolutely cannot endure another another long period of untreated depression.

OP, you need to take steps to preserve your own mental health. If you don't already, find a counselor and see her individually. Exercise, eat well and start developing an exit plan. Do NOT have kids.

+1
ALLLLLLLof THIS.^^^^^^

[Anonymous]

If you're finances will be fine and you'll be secure I wonder what's stopping you. Life is too short to go through all that nonsense. I know women in their 50's that have to stay with husbands they can't stand because of finances and retirement. They also don't want to be married again, but splitting up would be financially devastating.

Sounds like you're young and it's time to get out. You may not have those choices in 10 years.

[Anonymous]

He is ill.

Part of his illness is that he will refuse treatment.

You do not have the bandwidth to be with him and you do not have kids.

Leave NOW.

Please do not bring a child into this situation.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. Thanks for all the responses. I will be much better off financially than he will... I also worry about that and how he will handle it. It’s not that I need to prepare myself (logistically) to leave because I already did that once - it’s just the thought of doing it a second time is gutting. I don’t WANT to leave either. I want the marriage I signed up for, the person I fell in love with. A part of me thinks that person could come back but I don’t know how realistic that is anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thanks for all the responses. I will be much better off financially than he will... I also worry about that and how he will handle it. It’s not that I need to prepare myself (logistically) to leave because I already did that once - it’s just the thought of doing it a second time is gutting. I don’t WANT to leave either. I want the marriage I signed up for, the person I fell in love with. A part of me thinks that person could come back but I don’t know how realistic that is anymore.

You can’t help someone that won’t help themselves. Right now by saying you will leave, but taking him back before he has made any real progress you aren’t doing him any favors.

[Anonymous]

Will he take meds? I wouldn't leave over this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thanks for all the responses. I will be much better off financially than he will... I also worry about that and how he will handle it. It’s not that I need to prepare myself (logistically) to leave because I already did that once - it’s just the thought of doing it a second time is gutting. I don’t WANT to leave either. I want the marriage I signed up for, the person I fell in love with. A part of me thinks that person could come back but I don’t know how realistic that is anymore.

I'm the PP who said I insisted on a three-month separation to see where things are going. How about that? It's not a permanent decision, but maybe enough to shake him into taking his health seriously. It's imperative that you both go to therapy during that time or it won't work.

I'm also better off financially than my ex. I bought him out of our nice home. He now lives in a crappy apartment all alone. I get so sad every time I go over there to pick up our kids because I think that he could have had it so much better if he would have done what he needed to do. But in the end it's really out of my hands and your hands -- they make their life. You can't control this for him, and if you are anything like me that's a hard thing to let go of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is the sickness and health part.

No, it's not.
When it comes to mental health, you cannot sacrifice your own well being for a spouse who REFUSES to help themselves. Mental health is not like cancer. If a cancer patient doesn't treat themselves then they die. If a mentally ill person doesn't treat themselves, then YOU die, on the inside and slowly, until you also need mental health treatment.

OP - you are me about 5 years ago. I am still in the marriage but it is because I was/still am stuck financially. I am a ruined shell of what I was because of living with a spouse so severely mentally ill that myself and our two kids all were put on meds and in therapy just to deal with the chaos our lives BECAME because spouse wouldn't get treatment. Just leave -- for GOOD-- and if your DH gets help for like a YEAR, then maybe you can reconcile. Otherwise just leave.

You are SO right. It will destroy you and your family eventually if he will not help himself. BTDT. I'm done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is ill.

Part of his illness is that he will refuse treatment.

You do not have the bandwidth to be with him and you do not have kids.

Leave NOW.

Please do not bring a child into this situation.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. So most of you think I should just stick it out? And live with this depressed person for the rest of my life? Obviously we can't start a family now.

Helll no! I don't know what's up with those PP's, I'm guessing they either haven't been where you are or they are like your husband, but you are absolutely not required to sacrifice your life for a man who won't help himself. There comes a point where you've done all you can do and then you are just throwing good time after bad. Stay strong OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thanks for all the responses. I will be much better off financially than he will... I also worry about that and how he will handle it. It’s not that I need to prepare myself (logistically) to leave because I already did that once - it’s just the thought of doing it a second time is gutting. I don’t WANT to leave either. I want the marriage I signed up for, the person I fell in love with. A part of me thinks that person could come back but I don’t know how realistic that is anymore.

I'm the PP who said I insisted on a three-month separation to see where things are going. How about that? It's not a permanent decision, but maybe enough to shake him into taking his health seriously. It's imperative that you both go to therapy during that time or it won't work.

I'm also better off financially than my ex. I bought him out of our nice home. He now lives in a crappy apartment all alone. I get so sad every time I go over there to pick up our kids because I think that he could have had it so much better if he would have done what he needed to do. But in the end it's really out of my hands and your hands -- they make their life. You can't control this for him, and if you are anything like me that's a hard thing to let go of.

OP here. Yes absolutely I’m a “fixer.” So this is just something that I cannot wrap my head around. I left in September only to return in December, and thought that was enough motivation for him to get help - but I was wrong. I’m so unbelievably sad that I am starting to feel I have no choice left here. I can’t even imagine giving him ANOTHER chance, even if he did seek consistent help. There is just so much damage that comes with a depressed spouse. I can tell myself all day long “it’s just the depression” but eventually it wears you down.

Selfishly I know it will be “easier” to separate. It is heartbreaking to see the person you love struggle. Sometimes I just don’t even want to see it anymore. I imagine you feel that way when you see your ex in that crappy apartment. You want so badly for them to be the people you know they are and stop letting this sickness overrun their lives. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

[Anonymous]

Practically speaking, what's the issue? What is he actually doing or not doing that is prompting you to leave?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thanks for all the responses. I will be much better off financially than he will... I also worry about that and how he will handle it. It’s not that I need to prepare myself (logistically) to leave because I already did that once - it’s just the thought of doing it a second time is gutting. I don’t WANT to leave either. I want the marriage I signed up for, the person I fell in love with. A part of me thinks that person could come back but I don’t know how realistic that is anymore.

OP, sometimes the only choices we have are bad choices and we have to puck the least worst. I know you want the marriage and person you thought you had, but if your DH isn't willing to go to psychiatrist and follow med or treatment recommendations and see a paychologist for counseling regularly, then really that choice isn't available.

Please got to NAMI for support. Please take their family to Family class. Please read Xaviar Amador's "I'm not sick, I don't need help.". Also read David Karp's "Burden of Sympathy".

We loved ones have to choose from a menu of all difficult options.

You cannstill be supportive as a friend and ex, but right now the best thing you can do for him is draw a hard boundary that he cannot expect you to stay if he is not doing everything to help himself. Meds and therapy are nothing to be ashamed of ; getting better isn't about gutting it out or white knuckling it. he must seek help. Would you ask a diabetic to work harder? Would you ask a cardiac patient to forgo meds? Depression and anxiety are no different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is the sickness and health part.

Yep

A sickness is when your spouse has no choice. When they are ill of no rational Choice. This is a choice they are making. Different in my book.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. So most of you think I should just stick it out? And live with this depressed person for the rest of my life? Obviously we can't start a family now.

Yes, what would you do if your child was like him? Walk away?

Vows, you made them.