I'm struggling so much with ending my marriage.
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Anonymous
Leave but don't start anything to dissolve the marriage. Tell him your will return once he has seen a counselor for a month and has gotten medication. You cant help him or be with him if he can't help himself. |
Anonymous
Yes, why do you feel like you should be ignoring your gut instinct to stay? This is sickness and health. Yes he does need to get help but I'm not sure what to tell you how to make him do that. But no, you should not leave him. You vowed to be with him in sickness and health and it doesn't sound like you want to leave him! |
Anonymous
You are right. It is part of the illness and unfortunately, I know this first hand myself. Sometimes I get so frustrated about "needing" medication and wonder why I can't be "ok" without it. It is part of the illness, but I am still capable of making the choice to help myself even though I do sometimes struggle with doing the work required. I have a checklist of must dos that I go through everyday and sometimes it's a slog. If her DH isn't willing to at least go through the motions to be healthy, it will be a long and miserable road for OP. |
Anonymous
No way OP. Absolutely not. You need to separate and inform him that treating his illness IS THE DEAL-BREAKER. Leave and do not take him back after a short term. He needs to MAINTAIN WELLNESS in the longterm before you can hope to continue a marriage with him. So far, he has learned that he make promises that lure you back each time. Im sensing that depression is not the only culprit here, but maybe some bipolar or personality disorder thrown in (narcissism??) Take care of you OP, and do not have kids at this point. BTW: mental illnesses are inherited. |
Anonymous
Then get your ducks in a row and prepare to leave. But if you love him, then be loving about it. Tell him that he either does x, y, z or else you are filing for divorce. Talk to his parents or siblings because they should be prepared to step in. Don't leave him financially in ruins of without stable housing, otherwise he might suffer...or commit suicide. You don't want that. (My friend's husband killed himself shortly after she left him. While it wasn't her fault, she lives with the guilt even years later.) Here's the thing: even if he goes to therapy and stays on meds, you don't want to have babies with this guy. Setting aside his own issues, you don't want kids with mental health issues. |
Anonymous
This, exactly. |
Anonymous
No! You absolutely should not live with this depressed person for the rest of your life. You aren't in servitude. But ABSOLUTELY DO NOT PROCREATE WITH THIS PERSON. Just don't. If your bio clock is ticking, give serious thought to divorcing and looking for someone else. You do not want to bring a child into this situation. In your case, assuming you are financially independent, you can detach yourself from him for a few months with a clear understanding of what he needs to do for you to return. Otherwise, your own life is too valuable to flush it down the toilet. |
Anonymous
Yes, as a depressed person you are correct. Depression is not an excuse for not getting help and making those around you miserable. The OP is correct, she cannot have children with this person. I would leave me too if I did not get help for myself. There really is no excuse to be so selfish. Mental illness or not. |
Anonymous
| OP, it’s fair to draw your own line. |
Anonymous
Me too, OP. Not to derail but I have been through something similar with my husband over the past year. It made me really take a look at what happiness means and what love means and what my own vows meant. I don't believe he is entirely well, but sometimes loving means loving even the unloveable. I know it isn't black and white and this is what is so hard ~ you are dealing with the "how can we have kids" question and I'm dealing with the "we have kids how much do I sacrifice for them, for him, etc?". There are no easy answers. For me, I'm waiting. Also insisting, we had our first therapy appointment after I begged for 6 months then finally told him to leave until he had made an appt. It only lasted 48 hours but it did work, and I am not the ultimatum sort. I continue to make clear that I love him, that I am there for him, that I will go to the ends of the earth to help him ~ but I can't do it FOR him. All I need to see is buy in and effort and I'm encouraged. I'm finally getting that, but of course I'm scared that I'm past the point of caring....but thats just anger and disappointment talking. I hope you find peace. Remember that you are deserving of happiness, and so is he. You love each other, so just keep trying to find that happiness together. You may not be able to. In that case you may choose to move along and you will definitely be happy again at some point. you are strong and resilient and life is long. I just keep telling myself that I will never regret trying, and I will try till I get to a point where I would have regrets or its hurting our kids, I have options. |
Anonymous
| Maybe you could separate and say you are open to reconciliation after joint therapy and X months or a year for him in individual therapy? |
Anonymous
| I’m you, only now it’s been 15 years and 2 kids. Leave now. |
Anonymous
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i was in your shoes, except the issue was addiction and not depression. My therapist finally convinced me that I was teaching him he could do whatever he wanted when I kept begging him to get help, kicking him out temporarily and then going back with him after things were better for a few days. Finally I told him that he needed to move out for at least three months while we figured out what to do.
I learned in those three months that I was so much happier without him around dragging me down every day. I didn't even realize what a shell of myself I had become living with him until he was gone. It was hard, there were times I considered taking him back. We went on some "dates" while he was gone and saw each other. But the choice became clear. And yet I still mourned for a long time -- over a year -- for the loss of what could have been if he would have just gotten help and been the person I fell in love with. That's part of the normal process. But I'm much better off and so are my kids with him gone, even though it's been so painful for them. I would do anything to go back and get out before I had kids and put them through this as well. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
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These people telling you this is a 'in sickness and in health' situation are flat out wrong. I've been married 20 years and have 3 kids. My DH also suffers from depression and I've posted on DCUM at length about our struggles. We're about 8 years out from the point where our marriage 'broke' because of my DH's continued refusal to seek attention for his depression. In the past, he'd struggled with depression but since he was willing to seek treatment, I was right with him. This time was different. While he acknowledged the medication he took was no longer effective, he refused all my efforts to help him. I ended up developing depression myself and had to take an SSRI (my only regret was waiting so long to take it).
Living with my DH was endangering my own my mental health and, even more critically, the mental health of our kids. These people who are telling you to stick it out have no understanding of the impact of untreated depression on those living in the household. After I initiated separation, my DH began seeking treatment but by that time our marriage had broken. Why we ended up NOT divorcing is a long story and I would characterize our marriage as 'happy' but it's not what it used to be and I absolutely cannot endure another another long period of untreated depression. OP, you need to take steps to preserve your own mental health. If you don't already, find a counselor and see her individually. Exercise, eat well and start developing an exit plan. Do NOT have kids. |