I'm struggling so much with ending my marriage.

[Anonymous]

Married 5 years, DH developed anxiety/depression about a year ago. Marriage counselor told him flat out he needs to seek individual help. He refuses. He says that "he will never get better unless he overcomes this on his own blah blah." When it gets really bad, I will make it a deal breaker that he goes to get help or I walk. He will agree to go but then he'll have a good couple of days, and he will insist he doesn't need it. I actually did walk away once, and he begged me to come back after a couple of months. I insisted upon him getting help, which he agreed to. But again, he was "better" for a week or so, and said he didn't need it.

I know what I have to do. But it sucks so much because I just do not want to. It isn't fair that I have to leave the person I wanted to be with for the rest of my life because he won't help himself. I just can't stop crying today because it feels like the person I knew has died, even though I still see glimpses of him sometimes. I shouldn't have come back after I left the first time. I should have known better but I just wanted to believe it would work so badly. I wanted that more than anything. I had hope and it just feels cruel now to have given into it. I thought I saw a change, but I was wrong. I feel like I'm letting everyone down and I feel like I'm letting myself down. I feel stupid for giving it a second chance, and I feel stupid for even getting married in the first place.

Everyone acts like it's so easy all the time, just to leave your spouse and just walk away. But I love this person and it feels impossible to leave that behind, even though I know I have to. I married him for a reason, and those reasons didn't change. But the person that he is when he is depressed is not that same person I chose. I hate that person. I hate the person it makes me. I hate that somehow I went wrong in life to end up here, a place where I never thought I would be. I guess nobody does. I just need to find the strength and courage somewhere to take that step. Because it's so much harder than it sounds.

[Anonymous]

I think this is the sickness and health part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is the sickness and health part.

+1 It is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is the sickness and health part.

+1 It is.

Not really. He's breaking the vows first by not doing what he can to take care of himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is the sickness and health part.

No, it's not.
When it comes to mental health, you cannot sacrifice your own well being for a spouse who REFUSES to help themselves. Mental health is not like cancer. If a cancer patient doesn't treat themselves then they die. If a mentally ill person doesn't treat themselves, then YOU die, on the inside and slowly, until you also need mental health treatment.

OP - you are me about 5 years ago. I am still in the marriage but it is because I was/still am stuck financially. I am a ruined shell of what I was because of living with a spouse so severely mentally ill that myself and our two kids all were put on meds and in therapy just to deal with the chaos our lives BECAME because spouse wouldn't get treatment. Just leave -- for GOOD-- and if your DH gets help for like a YEAR, then maybe you can reconcile. Otherwise just leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is the sickness and health part.

This.

I can't imagine leaving my spouse over this. If you love him, then you stay and try to help him.

How would you feel if he bailed on you when you needed him most?

[Anonymous]

This is the OP. So most of you think I should just stick it out? And live with this depressed person for the rest of my life? Obviously we can't start a family now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is the sickness and health part.

Yep

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is the sickness and health part.

+1 It is.

Not really. He's breaking the vows first by not doing what he can to take care of himself.

That's part of the illness

[Anonymous]

No, I dont think you ow your life and your own happiness and shot at a family to your depressed spouse. I think if your spouse was trying everything--meds, therapy, etc--then you should stick with them. And if you have kids, even more so. But at this point, it seems to me that you are not actually helping your spouse by staying in the marriage, you are only hurting yourself. Are you in therapy yourself?

[Anonymous]

Would you consider a 6 month separation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. So most of you think I should just stick it out? And live with this depressed person for the rest of my life? Obviously we can't start a family now.

I don't. I'm definitely not in the "sticking it out" club.

Signed daughter of a mentally ill father who refused to take medication or get professional help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is the sickness and health part.

+1 It is.

Not really. He's breaking the vows first by not doing what he can to take care of himself.

That is part of the illness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is the sickness and health part.

No, it's not.
When it comes to mental health, you cannot sacrifice your own well being for a spouse who REFUSES to help themselves. Mental health is not like cancer. If a cancer patient doesn't treat themselves then they die. If a mentally ill person doesn't treat themselves, then YOU die, on the inside and slowly, until you also need mental health treatment.

OP - you are me about 5 years ago. I am still in the marriage but it is because I was/still am stuck financially. I am a ruined shell of what I was because of living with a spouse so severely mentally ill that myself and our two kids all were put on meds and in therapy just to deal with the chaos our lives BECAME because spouse wouldn't get treatment. Just leave -- for GOOD-- and if your DH gets help for like a YEAR, then maybe you can reconcile. Otherwise just leave.

Refusal is more like denial in people with anxiety/depression. I am not going to judge or comment on your situation other than to say I sincerely hope things get better for oyu and your family. I don't know if this sounds cheesy or corny but I really feel for you. The high lighted line is something no person should ever feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. So most of you think I should just stick it out? And live with this depressed person for the rest of my life? Obviously we can't start a family now.

I don't think you should stay.

I think you might lay it out in clear terms: Meds and weekly therapy, or that's it.

I also think you need to consider the practical aspects and be prepared before you say that to him.

It sounds like you have tried to get him to treatment. Is his family any help?

If you're satisfied you have done what you can to get him help, yes, leave. Don't stay and have kids if he isn't willing to seek and maintain treatment.