What to do about being the default person in the family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Travel doesn't mean he can't be the one to coordinate with his family. With cell phones, email, and text, there's no reason they can't always have him as their primary point of contact. Stop being the default person for them.

How stupid is this.

ILs: Can we have dinner this week?
Bob: I’m out of town, let me ask Jill.

B: Jill, want to do dinner this week with Mom and Dad?
Jill: Sure/No.

B: Hey Mom, Jill says ok. What time so I can tell her?

So on and so forth.

It could be simpler than that--just "let me check in with Jill and get back to you."

Doesn't Jill have to check in with Bob if the ILs ask her?

And Bob should never say "Jill says ok/no" but rather "that's not going to work, how about ___?"

No, because Bob is often out of town and Jill apparently arranges to see the in-laws when Bob is not there. Why would Bob be the one making family plans when he isn't going to be there?

[Anonymous]

Fact is, the wife is always the scapegoat when it comes to the husband's side of the family and vice versa. That's just how it is most of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Long story short, my husband travels for work often, so by default, I’m the go-to parent for the ILs to coordinate dinners, visiting the grandchildren, or whatever else the family is doing. That means when I say no, I feel like I’m the bad guy. Let me explain: When they call me to coordinate and I know DH will be home, I defer them to him. If he says no to them, they assume it’s me telling him to say no. Then they think I am “keeping” him from them.

Like this weekend, which is what is prompting me to ask this question: My husband will be home. My ILs left a voicemail saying they want to come for dinner. I told them DH would give them a call, since he will be home. I told him about the voicemail, and to call them to set it up. He says he doesn’t want to see anyone this weekend, he just wants to relax and not have plans. So I tell him to tell them that. He does, and they are mad because they “haven’t seen us in weeks.” (Which isn’t true, we saw them two weeks ago.)

I’m tired of being the scapegoat. It’s not possible for me to have DH the default, because his schedule keeps him away for days/weeks at a time. It would be foolish for them to call him, only to be told to call me. But we now have this weird dynamic where they think I control our calendar, and my DH. What should I do?

He needs to be the one, when he is back in town, to call them to say yes or no. Or call them on speaker together if you have the calendar details. DH needs to step up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Long story short, my husband travels for work often, so by default, I’m the go-to parent for the ILs to coordinate dinners, visiting the grandchildren, or whatever else the family is doing. That means when I say no, I feel like I’m the bad guy. Let me explain: When they call me to coordinate and I know DH will be home, I defer them to him. If he says no to them, they assume it’s me telling him to say no. Then they think I am “keeping” him from them.

Like this weekend, which is what is prompting me to ask this question: My husband will be home. My ILs left a voicemail saying they want to come for dinner. I told them DH would give them a call, since he will be home. I told him about the voicemail, and to call them to set it up. He says he doesn’t want to see anyone this weekend, he just wants to relax and not have plans. So I tell him to tell them that. He does, and they are mad because they “haven’t seen us in weeks.” (Which isn’t true, we saw them two weeks ago.)

I’m tired of being the scapegoat. It’s not possible for me to have DH the default, because his schedule keeps him away for days/weeks at a time. It would be foolish for them to call him, only to be told to call me. But we now have this weird dynamic where they think I control our calendar, and my DH. What should I do?

If your husband is the one relaying the message to them and they still think you're in charge of the situation, then that's on them. Perhaps you've controlled other things in the past and that's why they think that? Not accusing you, just guessing. But you can't control what other people think.

[Anonymous]

Direct communication. In an email or text, so there is a record:

"Bill, Mary, Jim, I want to talk to you about a dynamic that has been frustrating for all of us, that I think we can improve in the future. Because Jim travels a lot for work, I have become the "default" planner and point of contact. When possible, I encourage plans and communication to come directly from Jim, because I know keeping in touch is important to all of you. But sometimes, when Jim doesn't feel up to a visit or making plans, I feel that there is misplaced resentment and that I am seen as someone who is blocking plans or communication. This is not the case.

From now on, I am stepping out and ALL communication about visits, vacations and logistics needs to happen directly between Jim and his family. I will, of course, still be happy to chat on the phone, send kid pics and talk generally with you, but I will no longer participate in planning or logistics. Thank you for understanding.

Love, Beth"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fact is, the wife is always the scapegoat when it comes to the husband's side of the family and vice versa. That's just how it is most of the time.

I nipped that dynamic in the bud with my husband and ILs. I called it out for what it was, and said I wouldn't participate in that unfair dynamic. He manages all planning and logistics with them, period. If they try to make plans with me, I immediately pass on the phone or forward the e-mail/text, letting them know that I have forwarded the e-mail/text, saying that their son will get back to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Travel doesn't mean he can't be the one to coordinate with his family. With cell phones, email, and text, there's no reason they can't always have him as their primary point of contact. Stop being the default person for them.

This is what I was thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Phrase it along what an awesome provider he his -

You know how hard Dan works, you raised him to be a fantastic provider for the family. Sometimes after traveling so much for work (so that he can be the 1st of his class to make partner ) he just needs some down time to recover. Did he tell you that he was the top rated in the office last year?

OMG. No. Don’t do this.

Ick.

Agreed, that whole faux conversation is a terrible idea. What is wrong with you?

Also, OP never said who the breadwinner of the family was. She just said her husband travelled a lot. Mine travels a lot as well, we both have full time jobs outside of the home and make about the same amount of money.

[Anonymous]

Please respond OP. We are wondering how you are feeling BLAMED? In any case, instruct DH to change his wording. Instead of "I need to check with Jill"....."I need to check the calendar."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please respond OP. We are wondering how you are feeling BLAMED? In any case, instruct DH to change his wording. Instead of "I need to check with Jill"....."I need to check the calendar."

This is OP. My DH always defends me, but they will tell him that I should do whatever I want with my time when he’s gone, and he should be able to choose what he wants with his time (ie, he should be seeing them) And yes, occasionally I get together with DH family when he’s away for work. It’s a really strange dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please respond OP. We are wondering how you are feeling BLAMED? In any case, instruct DH to change his wording. Instead of "I need to check with Jill"....."I need to check the calendar."

This is OP. My DH always defends me, but they will tell him that I should do whatever I want with my time when he’s gone, and he should be able to choose what he wants with his time (ie, he should be seeing them) And yes, occasionally I get together with DH family when he’s away for work. It’s a really strange dynamic.

So take them literally, and let your DH deal with his parents. You haven’t said what kind of problems this is actually creating for you. Are the in-laws writing you out of the will? Refusing to speak to you? Calling incessantly until you cave? Giving you horrible holiday gifts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please respond OP. We are wondering how you are feeling BLAMED? In any case, instruct DH to change his wording. Instead of "I need to check with Jill"....."I need to check the calendar."

This is OP. My DH always defends me, but they will tell him that I should do whatever I want with my time when he’s gone, and he should be able to choose what he wants with his time (ie, he should be seeing them) And yes, occasionally I get together with DH family when he’s away for work. It’s a really strange dynamic.

So take them literally, and let your DH deal with his parents. You haven’t said what kind of problems this is actually creating for you. Are the in-laws writing you out of the will? Refusing to speak to you? Calling incessantly until you cave? Giving you horrible holiday gifts?

This. And guilt tripping DH, as mentioned above.

It’s not so much creating a problem as it is annoying. Every. Weekend. We get the “what are we doing” call.

[Anonymous]

They are being parents, OP. They call because they want to talk to their son. Can’t you foresee ever doing that with your own grown kids one day? And of course they’ll say they miss the grandkids. That’s how loving grandparents feel.

Get a calendar, discuss with your DH, and schedule a few times that you’ll see them in the next 6 months and have DH let them know when you’re all available. Then they won’t have to keep calling to ask. But they may still call because they love their son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are being parents, OP. They call because they want to talk to their son. Can’t you foresee ever doing that with your own grown kids one day? And of course they’ll say they miss the grandkids. That’s how loving grandparents feel.

Get a calendar, discuss with your DH, and schedule a few times that you’ll see them in the next 6 months and have DH let them know when you’re all available. Then they won’t have to keep calling to ask. But they may still call because they love their son.

That’s fine and dandy, but they need to stop projecting their anger/hurt/upset on their DIL when their son wants a quiet weekend alone. That’s the issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are being parents, OP. They call because they want to talk to their son. Can’t you foresee ever doing that with your own grown kids one day? And of course they’ll say they miss the grandkids. That’s how loving grandparents feel.

Get a calendar, discuss with your DH, and schedule a few times that you’ll see them in the next 6 months and have DH let them know when you’re all available. Then they won’t have to keep calling to ask. But they may still call because they love their son.

That’s fine and dandy, but they need to stop projecting their anger/hurt/upset on their DIL when their son wants a quiet weekend alone. That’s the issue.

OP hasn’t gven us any actual examples of that happening. All she has said is that she’s interpretting their words, “you can do what you want with your time,” said only to their son as meaning “we want to see the grandkids.” Sounds like she is ascribing malicious motives to her ILs where there may not be any.