What to do about being the default person in the family?

[Anonymous]

Long story short, my husband travels for work often, so by default, I’m the go-to parent for the ILs to coordinate dinners, visiting the grandchildren, or whatever else the family is doing. That means when I say no, I feel like I’m the bad guy. Let me explain: When they call me to coordinate and I know DH will be home, I defer them to him. If he says no to them, they assume it’s me telling him to say no. Then they think I am “keeping” him from them.

Like this weekend, which is what is prompting me to ask this question: My husband will be home. My ILs left a voicemail saying they want to come for dinner. I told them DH would give them a call, since he will be home. I told him about the voicemail, and to call them to set it up. He says he doesn’t want to see anyone this weekend, he just wants to relax and not have plans. So I tell him to tell them that. He does, and they are mad because they “haven’t seen us in weeks.” (Which isn’t true, we saw them two weeks ago.)

I’m tired of being the scapegoat. It’s not possible for me to have DH the default, because his schedule keeps him away for days/weeks at a time. It would be foolish for them to call him, only to be told to call me. But we now have this weird dynamic where they think I control our calendar, and my DH. What should I do?

[Anonymous]

It doesn't really matter who talks to them if they're going to assume it's always you. I would try to just let go of caring about their opinion. There is no winning with them, because it's easier to blame you than to accept the idea that their precious son might decline an invitation.

I suppose you could go out of town for a while and have him turn them down while you're gone, but that seems like a lot of hassle.

[Anonymous]

“I’m sorry if you’re disappointed but as you know Ben travels a lot and sometimes he says he just wants to unwind and rest when he has time at home. I dont feel comfortable pressuring him on that. Combined with the kids busy school events, sometimes our calendar just can’t give up the time you want. I’m sorry if that disappoints you. Is there anything you can suggest to make it better?”

[Anonymous]

Probably the only way to deal with this is to try to stop caring that they are blaming you.

[Anonymous]

Ask DH to remind them that if it were left up to him, they would see their grandchildren so much less, so “he” is grateful for everything you do to keep things flowing. And that, yes, *he* says no sometimes when he is home because he wants time with just his wife and kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask DH to remind them that if it were left up to him, they would see their grandchildren so much less, so “he” is grateful for everything you do to keep things flowing. And that, yes, *he* says no sometimes when he is home because he wants time with just his wife and kids.

His. He needs to address it because it is his parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask DH to remind them that if it were left up to him, they would see their grandchildren so much less, so “he” is grateful for everything you do to keep things flowing. And that, yes, *he* says no sometimes when he is home because he wants time with just his wife and kids.

His. He needs to address it because it is his parents.

**This** not His!

[Anonymous]

Honestly, it sounds like you will never win with them so just about your busy. Say no when you don't want to see them and let them complain.

[Anonymous]

Why can you not meet the grandparents with the kids for dinner somewhere local with him? I take mine to see a grandma without my husband and he will do it for my parents too.

[Anonymous]

They won't like any answer that's not yes so just ignore and go about your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can you not meet the grandparents with the kids for dinner somewhere local with him? I take mine to see a grandma without my husband and he will do it for my parents too.

It sounds like she does that plenty when he’s out of town. Why is that her job when he’s home? I would rather spend time with DH than inlaws, especially if he travels a lot, and I assume op wants some family time too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can you not meet the grandparents with the kids for dinner somewhere local with him? I take mine to see a grandma without my husband and he will do it for my parents too.

No! The man already said he doesn’t want to see anyone this weekend. He’s allowed a preference, and mommy’s feelings don’t trump his own. It doesn’t sound to me as if this family is telling his parents f-you all the time. They are allowed to say it doesnt work this weekend, without a guilt trip.

And what’s with the guilt trip? I hate that passive aggressive BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can you not meet the grandparents with the kids for dinner somewhere local with him? I take mine to see a grandma without my husband and he will do it for my parents too.

It sounds like she does that plenty when he’s out of town. Why is that her job when he’s home? I would rather spend time with DH than inlaws, especially if he travels a lot, and I assume op wants some family time too.

This. His parents need to accept the fact that he is gone often, and that their DIL isn’t at their beck and call. They take what they get and they don’t have a fit (or they do, and OP needs to ignore it!)

[Anonymous]

Phrase it along what an awesome provider he his -

You know how hard Dan works, you raised him to be a fantastic provider for the family. Sometimes after traveling so much for work (so that he can be the 1st of his class to make partner ) he just needs some down time to recover. Did he tell you that he was the top rated in the office last year?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They won't like any answer that's not yes so just ignore and go about your life.

I agree. It sounds like this is about their thinking that you are the one making the decision - they are just upset that the decision is no.