What to do about being the default person in the family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Phrase it along what an awesome provider he his -

You know how hard Dan works, you raised him to be a fantastic provider for the family. Sometimes after traveling so much for work (so that he can be the 1st of his class to make partner ) he just needs some down time to recover. Did he tell you that he was the top rated in the office last year?

OMG. No. Don’t do this.

Ick.

[Anonymous]

Travel doesn't mean he can't be the one to coordinate with his family. With cell phones, email, and text, there's no reason they can't always have him as their primary point of contact. Stop being the default person for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Travel doesn't mean he can't be the one to coordinate with his family. With cell phones, email, and text, there's no reason they can't always have him as their primary point of contact. Stop being the default person for them.

How stupid is this.

ILs: Can we have dinner this week?
Bob: I’m out of town, let me ask Jill.

B: Jill, want to do dinner this week with Mom and Dad?
Jill: Sure/No.

B: Hey Mom, Jill says ok. What time so I can tell her?

So on and so forth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Travel doesn't mean he can't be the one to coordinate with his family. With cell phones, email, and text, there's no reason they can't always have him as their primary point of contact. Stop being the default person for them.

How stupid is this.

ILs: Can we have dinner this week?
Bob: I’m out of town, let me ask Jill.

B: Jill, want to do dinner this week with Mom and Dad?
Jill: Sure/No.

B: Hey Mom, Jill says ok. What time so I can tell her?

So on and so forth.

But doesn't Jill need to check with Bob before saying yes or no? My DH and I would both check with the other before making any type of weekend plans. So in that case, it doesn't really matter if the spouse they check with first is out of town. With a google calendar, either spouse can also check to see what other obligations are already scheduled.

[Anonymous]

they are mad

Tell them, "I don't control the calendar"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Travel doesn't mean he can't be the one to coordinate with his family. With cell phones, email, and text, there's no reason they can't always have him as their primary point of contact. Stop being the default person for them.

How stupid is this.

ILs: Can we have dinner this week?
Bob: I’m out of town, let me ask Jill.

B: Jill, want to do dinner this week with Mom and Dad?
Jill: Sure/No.

B: Hey Mom, Jill says ok. What time so I can tell her?

So on and so forth.

But doesn't Jill need to check with Bob before saying yes or no? My DH and I would both check with the other before making any type of weekend plans. So in that case, it doesn't really matter if the spouse they check with first is out of town. With a google calendar, either spouse can also check to see what other obligations are already scheduled.

I guess that is true.

Considering that, the ILs have no right to be annoyed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Travel doesn't mean he can't be the one to coordinate with his family. With cell phones, email, and text, there's no reason they can't always have him as their primary point of contact. Stop being the default person for them.

How stupid is this.

ILs: Can we have dinner this week?
Bob: I’m out of town, let me ask Jill.

B: Jill, want to do dinner this week with Mom and Dad?
Jill: Sure/No.

B: Hey Mom, Jill says ok. What time so I can tell her?

So on and so forth.

But doesn't Jill need to check with Bob before saying yes or no? My DH and I would both check with the other before making any type of weekend plans. So in that case, it doesn't really matter if the spouse they check with first is out of town. With a google calendar, either spouse can also check to see what other obligations are already scheduled.

I’m pretty sure Jill is planning visits with in laws for Jill and kids while Bob is out of town. So no, Bob would be a dumb choice as default coordinator while he’s away. It would be like he’s arranging play dates for his wife and mom.

[Anonymous]

You should concoct a plan where you to "travel for work", and they suggest a visit to your husband... and he says no! Can't blame you for that, eh? ?

[Anonymous]

Why does Jill "think" the in laws think she is the one controlling the calendar? Do they actually complain to you or to your DH about you?

I also don't really love the in laws calling and inviting themselves? And to dinner?? Maybe it's time for a scheduled dinner every 4-6 weeks.

[Anonymous]

The in-laws should be saying not "We would like to come over for dinner" but "Jill, we know that Bill is out of town this week and we would love to take the kids out to dinner to give you a little break. Let us know if that will work for you. Love ya!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Phrase it along what an awesome provider he his -

You know how hard Dan works, you raised him to be a fantastic provider for the family. Sometimes after traveling so much for work (so that he can be the 1st of his class to make partner ) he just needs some down time to recover. Did he tell you that he was the top rated in the office last year?

OMG. No. Don’t do this.

Ick.

Agreed, that whole faux conversation is a terrible idea. What is wrong with you?

[Anonymous]

Wait — if your DH was the one that talked to them and told them no, how is it that you feel blamed? Did your DH tell you they were blaming you or did they contact you afterwards, blame and complain? From what you wrote, there is no evidence that the ILs are always blaming everything on you. Bemoaning about not having seen the grandkids is not the same as blaming everything on you.

If your DH was on the phone with them, and they explicity blamed you, he should’ve stopped them in their tracks and set them right. If they complain directly to you, then say is that it was your DH’s decision, he’s tired and needs a weekend off to recharge. Or are you somehow always feeling guilty, thinking the worst and misconstruing what they actually said? That’s an internal job — you have to drop the guilt and change your thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Travel doesn't mean he can't be the one to coordinate with his family. With cell phones, email, and text, there's no reason they can't always have him as their primary point of contact. Stop being the default person for them.

How stupid is this.

ILs: Can we have dinner this week?
Bob: I’m out of town, let me ask Jill.

B: Jill, want to do dinner this week with Mom and Dad?
Jill: Sure/No.

B: Hey Mom, Jill says ok. What time so I can tell her?

So on and so forth.

It could be simpler than that--just "let me check in with Jill and get back to you."

Doesn't Jill have to check in with Bob if the ILs ask her?

And Bob should never say "Jill says ok/no" but rather "that's not going to work, how about ___?"

[Anonymous]

I'm in a similar situation. You just have to not care. I put family things on a shared calendar, but DH rarely looks at it, so his mom will text him about something, he'll say he has to check with me (because I do keep the family calendar as a SAHM), and if we have something going on that means saying no, the implication is - he asked me, I said no. We also have the situation where he just wants to chill when he gets a break from travel and they don't get it. It's gotten better, but when they do get annoyed, it's at me not him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a similar situation. You just have to not care. I put family things on a shared calendar, but DH rarely looks at it, so his mom will text him about something, he'll say he has to check with me (because I do keep the family calendar as a SAHM), and if we have something going on that means saying no, the implication is - he asked me, I said no. We also have the situation where he just wants to chill when he gets a break from travel and they don't get it. It's gotten better, but when they do get annoyed, it's at me not him.

This is op and this, this is exactly my dilemma!