If you're married but still carry a torch for someone

[Anonymous]

A Turkish man. We're friends on Facebook and he's married to a Russian I think. I'm hoping she's going to divorce him after getting a green card. Haha just kidding. I met him at the end of undergrad and I was too young for a serious relationship. I also just got out of a long term relationship and he knew all of my ex boyfriends friends. I really miss his company sometimes. He had a great personality and I think we were a better match than my husband. He is also more outgoing and has lots of friends. I still really love my husband though! He's an amazing husband and father but god our conversations are so boring. All he wants to talk about is religion or how evil Trump is. He doesn't come home and tell me funny stories about things that happen at work etc. my conversations flowed better with the Turkish guy. I remember I used to ask him to pretend to be a new broadcaster. We had lots of fun together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who knew the Germans had such mystique!?!?

Or maybe it is the same guy?

Haha

Mine is early thirties and no lothario - he happened to make me fall in love with him when we were about twenty, and he was already with his partner then (they're still together, and will be forever, I'm sure).

[Anonymous]

OP here and mine is early 50s. We met when I was 20 and began a serious relationship when I was 23 which lasted for several years when I was in Europe. Besides my DH he was the only man I have ever thought about marrying. At that young age we did not have the skills to make it work long-term and broke up a few years later. I never got over him. He recently contacted me. We are both married now and I sigh at what could have been. I love my husband and am happy in my marriage but I get weepy thinking how pure those young love feelings were.

[Anonymous]

OP here and mine is early 50s. We met when I was 20 and began a serious relationship when I was 23 which lasted for several years when I was in Europe. Besides my DH he was the only man I have ever thought about marrying. At that young age we did not have the skills to make it work long-term and broke up a few years later. I never got over him. He recently contacted me. We are both married now and I sigh at what could have been. I love my husband and am happy in my marriage but I get weepy thinking how pure those young love feelings were.

When I read a post like this one, I always wonder how the poster would feel if they read that their DH/DW carried a major torch for someone else. OP - how would you feel if you knew that your DH would "sigh" when he thinks of what might have been with another woman? Do you know already (e.g., has he told he carries a torch for someone)? Would it hurt your feelings?

On one hand, I know that my DW dated and loved before me. So it is reasonable to expect she still feels "something" for her past boyfriends and I think this is normal. I believe she feels the same about my past.

However, the idea of carrying a torch implies feelings that are still present and that would present a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here and mine is early 50s. We met when I was 20 and began a serious relationship when I was 23 which lasted for several years when I was in Europe. Besides my DH he was the only man I have ever thought about marrying. At that young age we did not have the skills to make it work long-term and broke up a few years later. I never got over him. He recently contacted me. We are both married now and I sigh at what could have been. I love my husband and am happy in my marriage but I get weepy thinking how pure those young love feelings were.

When I read a post like this one, I always wonder how the poster would feel if they read that their DH/DW carried a major torch for someone else. OP - how would you feel if you knew that your DH would "sigh" when he thinks of what might have been with another woman? Do you know already (e.g., has he told he carries a torch for someone)? Would it hurt your feelings?

On one hand, I know that my DW dated and loved before me. So it is reasonable to expect she still feels "something" for her past boyfriends and I think this is normal. I believe she feels the same about my past.

However, the idea of carrying a torch implies feelings that are still present and that would present a problem.

PP also in love with a German, probably forever. I do not know how to explain it. I've had a few serious relationships since him, but there's just something that exists between us that will never go away. Even without speaking, there's a connection that can't be broken. Even if we never see each other again, I will always have him in my heart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here and mine is early 50s. We met when I was 20 and began a serious relationship when I was 23 which lasted for several years when I was in Europe. Besides my DH he was the only man I have ever thought about marrying. At that young age we did not have the skills to make it work long-term and broke up a few years later. I never got over him. He recently contacted me. We are both married now and I sigh at what could have been. I love my husband and am happy in my marriage but I get weepy thinking how pure those young love feelings were.

When I read a post like this one, I always wonder how the poster would feel if they read that their DH/DW carried a major torch for someone else. OP - how would you feel if you knew that your DH would "sigh" when he thinks of what might have been with another woman? Do you know already (e.g., has he told he carries a torch for someone)? Would it hurt your feelings?

On one hand, I know that my DW dated and loved before me. So it is reasonable to expect she still feels "something" for her past boyfriends and I think this is normal. I believe she feels the same about my past.

However, the idea of carrying a torch implies feelings that are still present and that would present a problem.

+1, eloquently stated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here and mine is early 50s. We met when I was 20 and began a serious relationship when I was 23 which lasted for several years when I was in Europe. Besides my DH he was the only man I have ever thought about marrying. At that young age we did not have the skills to make it work long-term and broke up a few years later. I never got over him. He recently contacted me. We are both married now and I sigh at what could have been. I love my husband and am happy in my marriage but I get weepy thinking how pure those young love feelings were.

When I read a post like this one, I always wonder how the poster would feel if they read that their DH/DW carried a major torch for someone else. OP - how would you feel if you knew that your DH would "sigh" when he thinks of what might have been with another woman? Do you know already (e.g., has he told he carries a torch for someone)? Would it hurt your feelings?

On one hand, I know that my DW dated and loved before me. So it is reasonable to expect she still feels "something" for her past boyfriends and I think this is normal. I believe she feels the same about my past.

However, the idea of carrying a torch implies feelings that are still present and that would present a problem.

OP here. I think of him only sporadically but the feelings are there. I mourn the end of our relationship and what could have been. If we were both ever single again I would contact him. I refuse to see him now (he's asked) because I am equally afraid that the spark would be there and that it wouldn't. I also think a lot about what I was like when I was younger (I think I'm having a midlife crisis moment). I was struck by the thread that running now asking people about their ages when they met their spouse and then married. I never wanted to get married early (I was the 36 year old who replied) but judging from all the 20 somethings who replied I see that we very well could have made a life together at that age. My DH cheated on me once when I was at a low point in my personal life--he fooled around with a co worker on a business trip who exposed him to an STD that he unknowingly exposed me to while I was pregnant with our first child. What's worse? Strong feelings in your mind or real actions that happen without a lot of thought?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. One was my high school boyfriend who basically put me on a pedestal and treated me so well but I didn’t think much of that at the time. The other was a guy with whom I had the best sex of my life and the level of attraction and passion was unbelievable but eventually I wanted more and he didn’t although when I met my boyfriend (now DH) he was finally ready for something more serious. It doesn’t help that DH and I are now in a sexless marriage and I miss that passion and sexual connection.

Typical American woman:
1. "put me on a pedestal and treated me so well but I didn’t think much of that at the time" - no respect for a man that adores you.
2. "best sex of my life and the level of attraction and passion was unbelievable but eventually I wanted more and he didn’t";--I couldn't nail down the guy I wanted, aka, he was out of my league.
3. "met my boyfriend (now DH) he was finally ready for something more serious. It doesn’t help that DH and I are now in a sexless marriage and I miss that passion and sexual connection" -- found my safe, stable secure guy I am not attracted to but expect his devotion and admiration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here and mine is early 50s. We met when I was 20 and began a serious relationship when I was 23 which lasted for several years when I was in Europe. Besides my DH he was the only man I have ever thought about marrying. At that young age we did not have the skills to make it work long-term and broke up a few years later. I never got over him. He recently contacted me. We are both married now and I sigh at what could have been. I love my husband and am happy in my marriage but I get weepy thinking how pure those young love feelings were.

When I read a post like this one, I always wonder how the poster would feel if they read that their DH/DW carried a major torch for someone else. OP - how would you feel if you knew that your DH would "sigh" when he thinks of what might have been with another woman? Do you know already (e.g., has he told he carries a torch for someone)? Would it hurt your feelings?

On one hand, I know that my DW dated and loved before me. So it is reasonable to expect she still feels "something" for her past boyfriends and I think this is normal. I believe she feels the same about my past.

However, the idea of carrying a torch implies feelings that are still present and that would present a problem.

OP here. I think of him only sporadically but the feelings are there. I mourn the end of our relationship and what could have been. If we were both ever single again I would contact him. I refuse to see him now (he's asked) because I am equally afraid that the spark would be there and that it wouldn't. I also think a lot about what I was like when I was younger (I think I'm having a midlife crisis moment). I was struck by the thread that running now asking people about their ages when they met their spouse and then married. I never wanted to get married early (I was the 36 year old who replied) but judging from all the 20 somethings who replied I see that we very well could have made a life together at that age. My DH cheated on me once when I was at a low point in my personal life--he fooled around with a co worker on a business trip who exposed him to an STD that he unknowingly exposed me to while I was pregnant with our first child. What's worse? Strong feelings in your mind or real actions that happen without a lot of thought?

Your "low point" and torch you carry for someone else was probably apparent. Do you really think "strong feelings" in your mind are not obvious to him? Amazing how women think this stuff isnt obvious.

[Anonymous]

Nope, not at all related. The low point was professional. To state it again, this is no one I thought of on a daily basis. Spouse and I have a great relationship overall and are very happy together. I have never once thought about cheating or leaving, even with the German. I won't see him because I respect my marriage and because I love my husband. I think you have your own story to tell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A Turkish man. We're friends on Facebook and he's married to a Russian I think. I'm hoping she's going to divorce him after getting a green card. Haha just kidding. I met him at the end of undergrad and I was too young for a serious relationship. I also just got out of a long term relationship and he knew all of my ex boyfriends friends. I really miss his company sometimes. He had a great personality and I think we were a better match than my husband. He is also more outgoing and has lots of friends. I still really love my husband though! He's an amazing husband and father but god our conversations are so boring. All he wants to talk about is religion or how evil Trump is. He doesn't come home and tell me funny stories about things that happen at work etc. my conversations flowed better with the Turkish guy. I remember I used to ask him to pretend to be a new broadcaster. We had lots of fun together.

Haha, boring Trump haters wife pines for Turkish masculine man. I know a couple western women that married Turks, boy would you be in for a rude awakening. Classic story, woman marries stable, safe boring man the nice guy that provides, while getting tingly over the manly man she couldnt nail down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who knew the Germans had such mystique!?!?

Haha damn, seriously! I believe there are 3(4?) German men mentioned on this thread...I feel like I'm missing out

Neither did I.Married a German woman, dated a lot when I lived there. My impression was most German men were dull, but the few old school German guys were pretty wild and always tough. Most American women were a bit overwhelmed.

[Anonymous]

I have a bunch of exses I still think about while masturbating and would screw them in an instant if I weren't married, but no, I don't want a relationship with any of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here and mine is early 50s. We met when I was 20 and began a serious relationship when I was 23 which lasted for several years when I was in Europe. Besides my DH he was the only man I have ever thought about marrying. At that young age we did not have the skills to make it work long-term and broke up a few years later. I never got over him. He recently contacted me. We are both married now and I sigh at what could have been. I love my husband and am happy in my marriage but I get weepy thinking how pure those young love feelings were.

Wow I feel bad for your husband, devoted and committed to a woman that is in contact and weeping about some guy and the make-believe relationship that didn't happen. You owe it to him to let him know despite his devotion he is sharing your feelings, let him decide what to do about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here and mine is early 50s. We met when I was 20 and began a serious relationship when I was 23 which lasted for several years when I was in Europe. Besides my DH he was the only man I have ever thought about marrying. At that young age we did not have the skills to make it work long-term and broke up a few years later. I never got over him. He recently contacted me. We are both married now and I sigh at what could have been. I love my husband and am happy in my marriage but I get weepy thinking how pure those young love feelings were.

When I read a post like this one, I always wonder how the poster would feel if they read that their DH/DW carried a major torch for someone else. OP - how would you feel if you knew that your DH would "sigh" when he thinks of what might have been with another woman? Do you know already (e.g., has he told he carries a torch for someone)? Would it hurt your feelings?

On one hand, I know that my DW dated and loved before me. So it is reasonable to expect she still feels "something" for her past boyfriends and I think this is normal. I believe she feels the same about my past.


You are using logic, that wont work. Women operate on their "feels". That is why she is still hot for some guy from years ago (most of what she remembers probably didnt even happen as is the case with human memory) and weeps about it. It goes without saying if he was in contact with a woman he carries a torch for and cries about her this woman would lose her mind and file for divorce because its about her feels.
However, the idea of carrying a torch implies feelings that are still present and that would present a problem.