If you're married but still carry a torch for someone

[Anonymous]

Common demonitor (besides the German dudes) seems to be flames from high school or college. This is typical as we often long for our youth and when life was simpler, more innocent.

[Anonymous]

It’s about your own lost youth, OP. You’re mourning the loss of the young person you were when you were with that guy all those years ago. It’s a common thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s about your own lost youth, OP. You’re mourning the loss of the young person you were when you were with that guy all those years ago. It’s a common thing.

Exactly. I don't think it's anything to feel guilty about, it's just nostalgia. You know, logically, that if you were really with this guy day in and day out for decades, the spell would be long broken. And you'd probably miss and wonder about your now-husband from time to time! The mind is funny

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s about your own lost youth, OP. You’re mourning the loss of the young person you were when you were with that guy all those years ago. It’s a common thing.

Exactly. I don't think it's anything to feel guilty about, it's nostalgia. You know, logically, that if you were really with this guy day in and day out for decades, the spell would be long broken. And you'd probably miss and wonder about your now-husband from time to time! The mind is funny

Yes x 1000. Settle down with someone and it would be the same as with DH.

You aren't alone - it's very common to feel this way. The ex(es) represent that youthful, easy, no responsibility time of life, which we all long for a bit when we are saddled with mortgages, saving for retirement and college, the list goes on. Middle age is hard and, sometimes, we kind of want a vacation back to our youth. Maybe this calls for a stress free vacay - all inclusive or a place where you can afford staff to cook for you etc. Or spend that money on a house cleaner or other service to ease your daily burdens.

Of course, you also appreciate this person (or memory of him) like PP does the Columbian lady - nothing sinister about that, IMO. The idea that there is someone in this world who appreciates you for you is also pretty nice. Who wouldn't enjoy feeling appreciated by someone? Maybe a chat with DH about doing a better job at making each other feel valued? If DH made you feel appreciated, you probably wouldn't have needed to write this post? Showing our spouses appreciation drops off easily when we are all scurrying with massive to-do lists (by contrast, showing scorn or criticism seems to rise in parallel with the to-do list). Esp when you are divvying up child care and other responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I loved a German and I will never forget. Once you go German you never go back.

Meh. I recently sold my Audi and got a decent Toyota SUV. Every once in a while I pine for the Audi's acceleration, but the SUV is better for the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was contacted by an ex a few years ago and was surprised that old feelings flooded back. I hadn’t given him much thought at all until receiving an online invitation. I think part of what you are experiencing is pining for your youth, part of it is feeling appreciated by someone when DH might not show much appreciation (dont we all take our souses for granted more than we should?). I also think it’s more likely you will feel this way if the relationship couldnt come to full fruition (like did distance force you to end things early?) so you were left with that feeling of what if.

I’d first figure out if there is a deficiency in your marriage that needs to be addressed. You never had to do the “hard stuff” like the mundanity of middle age or changing diapers with said ex. .

Best post on the thread. Humans are great at discounting the value of people that trudge through the mundane with us and overvaluing the past by remembering things much better than they were. *At best, we know and understand half of the truth that is factual and half of what we remember we may have misperceived.
I wonder if women are really aware most of the time a man from the past reaches out there idea of having sex is in his mind. Men always circle back around to familiar territory.

+ 1, and vice cersa.

Signed,
A Woman

Which is why acting on any of these urges or pining for people make others view you as ‘dumb as a post’.

[Anonymous]

Sure, I pine for the -

- high school girlfriend, long deceased;
- college girlfriend, now married and living in California;
- law school girlfriend, now married and living in Colorado;
- even the post law school girlfriend (in rare moments), also married and living in California.

But then I surprised my DW last night and took her to a new, trendy restaurant, and these two mid-50ers had a great time and returned home for some rambunctious coupling.

You really can't go back.

[Anonymous]

German men are wonderful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sure, I pine for the -

- high school girlfriend, long deceased;
- college girlfriend, now married and living in California;
- law school girlfriend, now married and living in Colorado;
- even the post law school girlfriend (in rare moments), also married and living in California.

But then I surprised my DW last night and took her to a new, trendy restaurant, and these two mid-50ers had a great time and returned home for some rambunctious coupling.

You really can't go back.

Though it sounds like you wish you could.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:German men are wonderful.

Must be a Post World War Two thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:German men are wonderful.

Lol still seriously feeling like I missed out over here. Maybe I can ask my husband for a free pass night and spend it in Munich...

(No seriously, what is it about them that's so wonderful that half of dcum is apparently missing them??)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sure, I pine for the -

- high school girlfriend, long deceased;
- college girlfriend, now married and living in California;
- law school girlfriend, now married and living in Colorado;
- even the post law school girlfriend (in rare moments), also married and living in California.

But then I surprised my DW last night and took her to a new, trendy restaurant, and these two mid-50ers had a great time and returned home for some rambunctious coupling.

You really can't go back.

Though it sounds like you wish you could.

On occasion, sure. I also wish I still had the same testosterone levels, my hair and my pre-wedding convertible. But life moves on, thankfully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:German men are wonderful.

Lol still seriously feeling like I missed out over here. Maybe I can ask my husband for a free pass night and spend it in Munich...

(No seriously, what is it about them that's so wonderful that half of dcum is apparently missing them??)

Firstly, they have a German work ethic which is second to none.
Many native Germans are relatively and some above average good looking but they don't see themselves as such; they are humble.
They are not players; German rationality does not see much use in playing games. They can come across as dry but not because they are boring but simply because they see no use in acting, pretending, and otherwise making a fool of oneself.
They like things to be organized; native German organizational system of society does not allow for much mess and grey area - this kind of ties into point number 1 above.
They like European living - nice clothes, work-life balance, and coffee on the main street. They are not super ambitious but they are committed providers. They are usually good at their jobs - Germany's school system emphasizes getting a trade and being good at it (from a physician to a plumber).
They are private and reserved; they are not your best buddy after a couple of drinks, it takes years to develop friendship with them.

Going there for a night, a weekend, or a month would do nothing in terms of getting a German man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:German men are wonderful.

Lol still seriously feeling like I missed out over here. Maybe I can ask my husband for a free pass night and spend it in Munich...

(No seriously, what is it about them that's so wonderful that half of dcum is apparently missing them??)

Firstly, they have a German work ethic which is second to none.
Many native Germans are relatively and some above average good looking but they don't see themselves as such; they are humble.
They are not players; German rationality does not see much use in playing games. They can come across as dry but not because they are boring but simply because they see no use in acting, pretending, and otherwise making a fool of oneself.
They like things to be organized; native German organizational system of society does not allow for much mess and grey area - this kind of ties into point number 1 above.
They like European living - nice clothes, work-life balance, and coffee on the main street. They are not super ambitious but they are committed providers. They are usually good at their jobs - Germany's school system emphasizes getting a trade and being good at it (from a physician to a plumber).
They are private and reserved; they are not your best buddy after a couple of drinks, it takes years to develop friendship with them.

Going there for a night, a weekend, or a month would do nothing in terms of getting a German man.

Huh. On the one hand, nothing about that stands out as something that women would be pining for 20 years down the road...haha ("he was just so ORGANIZED!"). But no for real, I appreciate that description - it definitely paints a good picture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:German men are wonderful.

Lol still seriously feeling like I missed out over here. Maybe I can ask my husband for a free pass night and spend it in Munich...

(No seriously, what is it about them that's so wonderful that half of dcum is apparently missing them??)

Firstly, they have a German work ethic which is second to none.
Many native Germans are relatively and some above average good looking but they don't see themselves as such; they are humble.
They are not players; German rationality does not see much use in playing games. They can come across as dry but not because they are boring but simply because they see no use in acting, pretending, and otherwise making a fool of oneself.
They like things to be organized; native German organizational system of society does not allow for much mess and grey area - this kind of ties into point number 1 above.
They like European living - nice clothes, work-life balance, and coffee on the main street. They are not super ambitious but they are committed providers. They are usually good at their jobs - Germany's school system emphasizes getting a trade and being good at it (from a physician to a plumber).
They are private and reserved; they are not your best buddy after a couple of drinks, it takes years to develop friendship with them.

Going there for a night, a weekend, or a month would do nothing in terms of getting a German man.

Huh. On the one hand, nothing about that stands out as something that women would be pining for 20 years down the road...haha ("he was just so ORGANIZED!"). But no for real, I appreciate that description - it definitely paints a good picture.

20 years down the road when life gets tough with obligations and commitment most women would rather have an organized, calm, rational and still good looking provider than an exotic, flamboyant, dramatic bad body who doesn't do anything around the house, is mia with children, and his career has turned him into a selfish jerk.