If you're married but still carry a torch for someone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope, not at all related. The low point was professional. To state it again, this is no one I thought of on a daily basis. Spouse and I have a great relationship overall and are very happy together. I have never once thought about cheating or leaving, even with the German. I won't see him because I respect my marriage and because I love my husband. I think you have your own story to tell.

You pine and get weepy for some other guy, tell your husband and see how wonderful your relationship is. Of course you wont because you know the truth will change how he feels about you.

[Anonymous]

I wouldnt say I carry a torch or anything like that but I have one that I will always have the utmost respect and admiration for. I meet her in .........Germany. She isnt German, she is from Medellin, Colombia. Maybe it was growing up in Mediellin in the late 80's that made her one of the toughest people I have ever meet that could read anyone within 2 seconds of laying eyes on them. 5'1 , long black curly hair, big doe eyes with dimples and a "I dont crap from anyone" outlook on life. Yet could be the sweetest and tenderest person in the world. I dont have feelings for her in that way but cannnot overstate the appreciation and respect I have for her. She made a big impact on me and that was twenty years ago. Just last year she helped with an issue with my daughter I CAN NEVER REPAY HER FOR.

[Anonymous]

I was contacted by an ex a few years ago and was surprised that old feelings flooded back. I hadn’t given him much thought at all until receiving an online invitation. I think part of what you are experiencing is pining for your youth, part of it is feeling appreciated by someone when DH might not show much appreciation (dont we all take our souses for granted more than we should?). I also think it’s more likely you will feel this way if the relationship couldnt come to full fruition (like did distance force you to end things early?) so you were left with that feeling of what if.

I’d first figure out if there is a deficiency in your marriage that needs to be addressed. You never had to do the “hard stuff” like the mundanity of middle age or changing diapers with said ex. .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldnt say I carry a torch or anything like that but I have one that I will always have the utmost respect and admiration for. I meet her in .........Germany. She isnt German, she is from Medellin, Colombia. Maybe it was growing up in Mediellin in the late 80's that made her one of the toughest people I have ever meet that could read anyone within 2 seconds of laying eyes on them. 5'1 , long black curly hair, big doe eyes with dimples and a "I dont crap from anyone" outlook on life. Yet could be the sweetest and tenderest person in the world. I dont have feelings for her in that way but cannnot overstate the appreciation and respect I have for her. She made a big impact on me and that was twenty years ago. Just last year she helped with an issue with my daughter I CAN NEVER REPAY HER FOR.

What did she do, and why are you over there yelling about it from the treetops?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was contacted by an ex a few years ago and was surprised that old feelings flooded back. I hadn’t given him much thought at all until receiving an online invitation. I think part of what you are experiencing is pining for your youth, part of it is feeling appreciated by someone when DH might not show much appreciation (dont we all take our souses for granted more than we should?). I also think it’s more likely you will feel this way if the relationship couldnt come to full fruition (like did distance force you to end things early?) so you were left with that feeling of what if.

I’d first figure out if there is a deficiency in your marriage that needs to be addressed. You never had to do the “hard stuff” like the mundanity of middle age or changing diapers with said ex. .

Best post on the thread. Humans are great at discounting the value of people that trudge through the mundane with us and overvaluing the past by remembering things much better than they were. Half of what we know isnt true and half what we remember never happened.
I wonder if women are really aware most of the time a man from the past reaches out there idea of having sex is in his mind. Men always circle back around to familiar territory.

[Anonymous]

I loved a German and I will never forget. Once you go German you never go back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was contacted by an ex a few years ago and was surprised that old feelings flooded back. I hadn’t given him much thought at all until receiving an online invitation. I think part of what you are experiencing is pining for your youth, part of it is feeling appreciated by someone when DH might not show much appreciation (dont we all take our souses for granted more than we should?). I also think it’s more likely you will feel this way if the relationship couldnt come to full fruition (like did distance force you to end things early?) so you were left with that feeling of what if.

I’d first figure out if there is a deficiency in your marriage that needs to be addressed. You never had to do the “hard stuff” like the mundanity of middle age or changing diapers with said ex. .

Best post on the thread. Humans are great at discounting the value of people that trudge through the mundane with us and overvaluing the past by remembering things much better than they were. Half of what we know isnt true and half what we remember never happened.
I wonder if women are really aware most of the time a man from the past reaches out there idea of having sex is in his mind. Men always circle back around to familiar territory.

Why are you so sure that men reach out for this reason? And why do they go back to familiar territory? I’m PP and my point is that a lot of what people miss is their youth and all that comes with being young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was contacted by an ex a few years ago and was surprised that old feelings flooded back. I hadn’t given him much thought at all until receiving an online invitation. I think part of what you are experiencing is pining for your youth, part of it is feeling appreciated by someone when DH might not show much appreciation (dont we all take our souses for granted more than we should?). I also think it’s more likely you will feel this way if the relationship couldnt come to full fruition (like did distance force you to end things early?) so you were left with that feeling of what if.

I’d first figure out if there is a deficiency in your marriage that needs to be addressed. You never had to do the “hard stuff” like the mundanity of middle age or changing diapers with said ex. .

Best post on the thread. Humans are great at discounting the value of people that trudge through the mundane with us and overvaluing the past by remembering things much better than they were. *At best, we know and understand half of the truth that is factual and half of what we remember we may have misperceived.
I wonder if women are really aware most of the time a man from the past reaches out there idea of having sex is in his mind. Men always circle back around to familiar territory.

+ 1, and vice cersa.

Signed,
A Woman

[Anonymous]

LOL! That’s funny.

[Anonymous]

My dream wife recently moved away. It has honestly hit me very hard. We are friends and before she left we met up. We talked for three hours, but I never mentioned how much she meant to me. The tough part is I know she has feelings for me, and I'm pretty sure she's aware of mine to some degree.

But, we are both married. I have a kid. She doesn't. To me she's perfect both in personality and looks. She's motivated, smart, independent, sexy, beautiful, strict yet has a very kind heart. There's a chance she may return to DC. But, for now I'm sad and I hide it from my wife. My sadness only enhances when I look at how different my wife and I are. We have discussed splitting up a few items in our seven years together.

Life isn't fair. No one said it was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was contacted by an ex a few years ago and was surprised that old feelings flooded back. I hadn’t given him much thought at all until receiving an online invitation. I think part of what you are experiencing is pining for your youth, part of it is feeling appreciated by someone when DH might not show much appreciation (dont we all take our souses for granted more than we should?). I also think it’s more likely you will feel this way if the relationship couldnt come to full fruition (like did distance force you to end things early?) so you were left with that feeling of what if.

I’d first figure out if there is a deficiency in your marriage that needs to be addressed. You never had to do the “hard stuff” like the mundanity of middle age or changing diapers with said ex. .

Best post on the thread. Humans are great at discounting the value of people that trudge through the mundane with us and overvaluing the past by remembering things much better than they were. *At best, we know and understand half of the truth that is factual and half of what we remember we may have misperceived.
I wonder if women are really aware most of the time a man from the past reaches out there idea of having sex is in his mind. Men always circle back around to familiar territory.

+ 1, and vice cersa.

"At best, we know and understand half of the truth that is factual and half of what we remember we may have misperceived" --thats a nicer way of saying it. I prefer my "we humans are idiots" approach.
Signed,
A Woman

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldnt say I carry a torch or anything like that but I have one that I will always have the utmost respect and admiration for. I meet her in .........Germany. She isnt German, she is from Medellin, Colombia. Maybe it was growing up in Mediellin in the late 80's that made her one of the toughest people I have ever meet that could read anyone within 2 seconds of laying eyes on them. 5'1 , long black curly hair, big doe eyes with dimples and a "I dont crap from anyone" outlook on life. Yet could be the sweetest and tenderest person in the world. I dont have feelings for her in that way but cannnot overstate the appreciation and respect I have for her. She made a big impact on me and that was twenty years ago. Just last year she helped with an issue with my daughter I CAN NEVER REPAY HER FOR.

What did she do, and why are you over there yelling about it from the treetops?

Accidental cap locks and being too lazy t ogo back to correct it would explain the yelling. She knew my daughter when she was a baby and occasionally took care of her, (we lived near each other still) my wife knew her and actually liked her. There was an issue with a third person that was pretty complicated, my solution was heavy-handed and overly complicated. A mutual friend had told her and she called with her thoughts, intervened...problem solved. Details are a bit too personal to give up but long story short she was still ready to step up and help out, partially because she amazingly loyal to people that were good to her and partially because the connection she had with my daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldnt say I carry a torch or anything like that but I have one that I will always have the utmost respect and admiration for. I meet her in .........Germany. She isnt German, she is from Medellin, Colombia. Maybe it was growing up in Mediellin in the late 80's that made her one of the toughest people I have ever meet that could read anyone within 2 seconds of laying eyes on them. 5'1 , long black curly hair, big doe eyes with dimples and a "I dont crap from anyone" outlook on life. Yet could be the sweetest and tenderest person in the world. I dont have feelings for her in that way but cannnot overstate the appreciation and respect I have for her. She made a big impact on me and that was twenty years ago. Just last year she helped with an issue with my daughter I CAN NEVER REPAY HER FOR.

What did she do, and why are you over there yelling about it from the treetops?

Accidental cap locks and being too lazy t ogo back to correct it would explain the yelling. She knew my daughter when she was a baby and occasionally took care of her, (we lived near each other still) my wife knew her and actually liked her. There was an issue with a third person that was pretty complicated, my solution was heavy-handed and overly complicated. A mutual friend had told her and she called with her thoughts, intervened...problem solved. Details are a bit too personal to give up but long story short she was still ready to step up and help out, partially because she amazingly loyal to people that were good to her and partially because the connection she had with my daughter.

That sounds respectful, admirable, and your perception self-aware.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here and mine is early 50s. We met when I was 20 and began a serious relationship when I was 23 which lasted for several years when I was in Europe. Besides my DH he was the only man I have ever thought about marrying. At that young age we did not have the skills to make it work long-term and broke up a few years later. I never got over him. He recently contacted me. We are both married now and I sigh at what could have been. I love my husband and am happy in my marriage but I get weepy thinking how pure those young love feelings were.

When I read a post like this one, I always wonder how the poster would feel if they read that their DH/DW carried a major torch for someone else. OP - how would you feel if you knew that your DH would "sigh" when he thinks of what might have been with another woman? Do you know already (e.g., has he told he carries a torch for someone)? Would it hurt your feelings?

On one hand, I know that my DW dated and loved before me. So it is reasonable to expect she still feels "something" for her past boyfriends and I think this is normal. I believe she feels the same about my past.

However, the idea of carrying a torch implies feelings that are still present and that would present a problem.

Carrying a torch for someone and loving and being happy with DH are not mutually exclusive. Rather, it's the choices the person makes, what actions he/she chooses that counts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here and mine is early 50s. We met when I was 20 and began a serious relationship when I was 23 which lasted for several years when I was in Europe. Besides my DH he was the only man I have ever thought about marrying. At that young age we did not have the skills to make it work long-term and broke up a few years later. I never got over him. He recently contacted me. We are both married now and I sigh at what could have been. I love my husband and am happy in my marriage but I get weepy thinking how pure those young love feelings were.

When I read a post like this one, I always wonder how the poster would feel if they read that their DH/DW carried a major torch for someone else. OP - how would you feel if you knew that your DH would "sigh" when he thinks of what might have been with another woman? Do you know already (e.g., has he told he carries a torch for someone)? Would it hurt your feelings?

On one hand, I know that my DW dated and loved before me. So it is reasonable to expect she still feels "something" for her past boyfriends and I think this is normal. I believe she feels the same about my past.

However, the idea of carrying a torch implies feelings that are still present and that would present a problem.

Carrying a torch for someone and loving and being happy with DH are not mutually exclusive. Rather, it's the choices the person makes, what actions he/she chooses that counts.

Actions: namely, misleading the spouse.