Donor eggs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend has many failed rounds of IVF due to various health issues. She finally did donor eggs and was successful in conceiving twins. She’s so happy that I don’t even think she sits there and wonder about genetic connections.

a person who survived a car crash and only lost four fingers is probably very happy. doesn't mean that they wouldn't have preferred not to have been in the crash at all.

I understand what you are trying to say. Donor eggs aren’t something I would be comfortable with and evidently not for you either. However, I believe that one can be genuinely happy with a donor egg scenario and not long for their own genetic offspring.

I actually agree with that. I think that it is great that this option exists and I would have pursued it if I could have not had children otherwise. What bothers me is that attitude that it's the same thing, no big deal, "do you want a baby or not" etc. People are made to feel bad wanting what everyone else has.. It's ok to want genetic connection is all I am saying. People are not stupid for caring about that.

Exactly- one shouldn’t be made to feel bad if they want that genetic connection.

The docs might minimize this risk but when you do all the paperwork getting a psych consult is part of the process. According to our social worker I would at some point be troubled by the fact that my kid doesn't have my genes. I wouldn't say that I am troubled by it but I never forget he doesn't have my genes. That being said, I love him just as much as his sibling who was easily conceived.

[Anonymous]

I think that donor egg children should be able to trace their genetic mother. I think those donating should also accept that they might be tracked down, which would not oblige them or entitle them to any relationship. But to deny a person to know their genetic origin because "I just want a baby" (recipient) and "I just want to pay for my grad school" (donor) and "I just want my 6-figure salary" (RE) is really cruel and immoral. Every human being should be entitled to know all about their family of origin. And trust me these kids will be people one day and they will resent those that hid the truth from them.
Too many egos are being served in donor egg or donor sperm scenario (recipient, donor, clinic) without considering the full grown human being who will hurt one day and resent you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DE kids are my kids! I never think about their genes. They act (but they don't look) like my bio child because they were raised in the same family with the same values. The donor was of a lower SES but she was also an immigrant (like my low SES parents). Her SES probably has nothing to do with her intelligence and everything to do with her circumstances. Anyway, all of my kids are kind and sweet and are doing great academically. I couldn't care less about their genetic material.

you don't think about your children's genes but people who have their genetic children often observe amazing similarities. it is an extra connection and extra dimension.

Yes but if you cannot have genetic children are these people supposed to live without any children? How do someone else's life choices affect you?

[Anonymous]

By the OP's logic parents of adopted children should also spend all their time bothered by the fact that they have no genetic connection between them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DE kids are my kids! I never think about their genes. They act (but they don't look) like my bio child because they were raised in the same family with the same values. The donor was of a lower SES but she was also an immigrant (like my low SES parents). Her SES probably has nothing to do with her intelligence and everything to do with her circumstances. Anyway, all of my kids are kind and sweet and are doing great academically. I couldn't care less about their genetic material.

you don't think about your children's genes but people who have their genetic children often observe amazing similarities. it is an extra connection and extra dimension.

Yes but if you cannot have genetic children are these people supposed to live without any children? How do someone else's life choices affect you?

no, i 100% support donor eggs and people who want to have children that way. what i don't support is treating those who don't want to pursue this option as somehow irrational for wanting genetic connection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DE kids are my kids! I never think about their genes. They act (but they don't look) like my bio child because they were raised in the same family with the same values. The donor was of a lower SES but she was also an immigrant (like my low SES parents). Her SES probably has nothing to do with her intelligence and everything to do with her circumstances. Anyway, all of my kids are kind and sweet and are doing great academically. I couldn't care less about their genetic material.

Just curious - how much info are you able to know about the donor? Anyhow I have known several women who did egg donation and were not really a lower SES and were extremely intelligent.

I know where the donor came from (Colombia). I know she was working toward a nursing degree. I know about her parents and siblings and their medical conditions. She was pretty honest and did not seem to sugar coat things. I know she was a single mother. Her story made my think she was quite intelligent. As the child of poor immigrants myself, I know how difficult it is to go to university when you have very few resources. You can't be dumb and still achieve that much academically.

As far as my DE kids go, they do as well academically as my bio child. My husband and I were very strong through school. We are both successful professionals. The DE kids also don't have the anxiety my bio child probably inherited from me, so they are probably going to do better professionally than my bio child.

I thought you didn't have time to think about stuff like that?

Of course I think about where problems may have originated, especially when I am engaged in a discussion about donor eggs. Do I think about these things daily when we are getting ready for school, doing homework, playing hockey, giving baths? No. If one of the DE kids came down with an illness, then yes I would start to think about their genetic background. But otherwise, it is absolutely not something I think about often.

but genres are responsible for so much more than diseases. there were many many studies of this. identical twins raised apart are much more similar than siblings raised together. identical twins who have spent their whole lives in different families, often on different continents display incredible similarities as adults in the behavior, achievements, preferences, mannerisms etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:By the OP's logic parents of adopted children should also spend all their time bothered by the fact that they have no genetic connection between them.

nobody is saying that people with DE should spend their time being bothered by their choice. what several of us are saying is that 1) this is pretty much no one's first choice 2) that genes are important 3) that we don't like being bullied into using DE as any resistance is interpreted as irrational.

that's all. DE are a great solution for many unlucky people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DE kids are my kids! I never think about their genes. They act (but they don't look) like my bio child because they were raised in the same family with the same values. The donor was of a lower SES but she was also an immigrant (like my low SES parents). Her SES probably has nothing to do with her intelligence and everything to do with her circumstances. Anyway, all of my kids are kind and sweet and are doing great academically. I couldn't care less about their genetic material.

you don't think about your children's genes but people who have their genetic children often observe amazing similarities. it is an extra connection and extra dimension.

Yes but if you cannot have genetic children are these people supposed to live without any children? How do someone else's life choices affect you?

no, i 100% support donor eggs and people who want to have children that way. what i don't support is treating those who don't want to pursue this option as somehow irrational for wanting genetic connection.

I totally get what you are saying. I was the posted who wrote about the friend with the donor eggs twins. I agree that genetic connection is important. However, it's a good option if there are no successes with multiple rounds of IVFs. Using my friend as an example, I have seen unhappy she was with each failures and what it did to her mentally and physically, and once she decided to go the DE route, she had an immediate success and was so happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that donor egg children should be able to trace their genetic mother. I think those donating should also accept that they might be tracked down, which would not oblige them or entitle them to any relationship. But to deny a person to know their genetic origin because "I just want a baby" (recipient) and "I just want to pay for my grad school" (donor) and "I just want my 6-figure salary" (RE) is really cruel and immoral. Every human being should be entitled to know all about their family of origin. And trust me these kids will be people one day and they will resent those that hid the truth from them.
Too many egos are being served in donor egg or donor sperm scenario (recipient, donor, clinic) without considering the full grown human being who will hurt one day and resent you.

The only thing this would accomplish is deter donors from donating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that donor egg children should be able to trace their genetic mother. I think those donating should also accept that they might be tracked down, which would not oblige them or entitle them to any relationship. But to deny a person to know their genetic origin because "I just want a baby" (recipient) and "I just want to pay for my grad school" (donor) and "I just want my 6-figure salary" (RE) is really cruel and immoral. Every human being should be entitled to know all about their family of origin. And trust me these kids will be people one day and they will resent those that hid the truth from them.
Too many egos are being served in donor egg or donor sperm scenario (recipient, donor, clinic) without considering the full grown human being who will hurt one day and resent you.

The mother and father that raise them IS their family of origin.

[Anonymous]

my doctor and nurse at SG were not at all blase about recommending donor egg to me. they knew it was a big deal -- after 3 failed IVFs and 2 miscarriages. i quit trying for a second, but after a year, I decided to move forward with DE. it was the right decision for our family. i think about our anonymous donor often and i'm extremely grateful for what she has given us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend has many failed rounds of IVF due to various health issues. She finally did donor eggs and was successful in conceiving twins. She’s so happy that I don’t even think she sits there and wonder about genetic connections.

a person who survived a car crash and only lost four fingers is probably very happy. doesn't mean that they wouldn't have preferred not to have been in the crash at all.

I understand what you are trying to say. Donor eggs aren’t something I would be comfortable with and evidently not for you either. However, I believe that one can be genuinely happy with a donor egg scenario and not long for their own genetic offspring.

I actually agree with that. I think that it is great that this option exists and I would have pursued it if I could have not had children otherwise. What bothers me is that attitude that it's the same thing, no big deal, "do you want a baby or not" etc. People are made to feel bad wanting what everyone else has.. It's ok to want genetic connection is all I am saying. People are not stupid for caring about that.

Exactly- one shouldn’t be made to feel bad if they want that genetic connection.

If you insist on genetic connection, you may have no children at all. Some people would rather have a child than genetic purity, especially given the various issues that are more likely with children conceived with old “eggs.”

If you care mostly about having a genetic connection with your child, start trying to conceive well before forty.

[Anonymous]

I think many people who don’t “get” de are childless. As a parent of conceived naturally, I can see how little of being a parent is dependent on a genetic relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So my eggs are old and crappy at 40?

Yes -- this is news to you?

actually there was a study shogun that fetuses from older eggs have fewer developmental problems. the idea is that in older women selection is stronger so fewer eggs make embryos and more embryos are miscarried. but if chromosomes are fine they actually do well.

Not true, add, autism, etc. are all linked to older parents,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend has many failed rounds of IVF due to various health issues. She finally did donor eggs and was successful in conceiving twins. She’s so happy that I don’t even think she sits there and wonder about genetic connections.

a person who survived a car crash and only lost four fingers is probably very happy. doesn't mean that they wouldn't have preferred not to have been in the crash at all.

I understand what you are trying to say. Donor eggs aren’t something I would be comfortable with and evidently not for you either. However, I believe that one can be genuinely happy with a donor egg scenario and not long for their own genetic offspring.

I actually agree with that. I think that it is great that this option exists and I would have pursued it if I could have not had children otherwise. What bothers me is that attitude that it's the same thing, no big deal, "do you want a baby or not" etc. People are made to feel bad wanting what everyone else has.. It's ok to want genetic connection is all I am saying. People are not stupid for caring about that.

Exactly- one shouldn’t be made to feel bad if they want that genetic connection.

If you insist on genetic connection, you may have no children at all. Some people would rather have a child than genetic purity, especially given the various issues that are more likely with children conceived with old “eggs.”

If you care mostly about having a genetic connection with your child, start trying to conceive well before forty.

given that nobody can go back in time and have children in their youth, some women are faced with a choice to keep pursuing a child with their own eggs or to move to DE. and some of them feel pressured by REs to move to DE. i was personally scolded by my RE for not moving to DE ("do you want a baby or not") while my conceived-on-the-first-try then 18 month old was sitting in my lap. and in fact i did manage to have another child with my own eggs (not through IVF). according to you, i should have listened to my RE because i was old and i did want a baby more than a genetic connection. but i shouldn't have and i am glad i didn't.

in many cases there is just no way to say for sure whether a person will be able to have a child with their own eggs. that's just a fact. medical knowledge is not at the point where it is possible to know this except for some very drastic cases.