Bad luck with men

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a good guy in a happy marriage of 20 years. My wife likes me. Here are my observations:

In high school and college, I knew who the good guys were and who the assholes were. As far as I could see, women tended to be more receptive to the advances of the assholes and more interested in them. I expect that's because they were, in a sense, flashier and to a great extent, the path of least resistance because these guys pushed the hardest. But, there was a large overlap between the flashy, hard charger and the guys who picked on the other guys. You can tell the assholes by how they treat the guys who are smaller and/or of lower social status.

By the end of college and within a couple years thereafter, pretty much everyone got married. The good guys tend to stay married. The assholes tend to get divorces. So, there is a very narrow window when the good guys are available *and* women are interested in them as dating prospects.

Applaud this insight. Very very true. Good people deserve each other, hence their good long happy marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t dated anyone in 9 years. And I’m totally fine with that. My last relationship was with a ‘double lifer’ and I have no desire to go through that again. I’d rather be happily alone than open myself to that level of hurt again.

+1

I feel better knowing I am not the only one who thinks this.

I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:from your marriage. If you want to compare marriage horror stories, I win, but I don't trot mine out too often. Stay off dating sites until you can stop griping about the past.

No griping. Just sick of a-holes thinking SAHM eat twinkies all day. And wimpy baby boys (not real men) who want sex with no responsibility.

^This. My A-hole ex husband comes over 2x a week to eat dinner (that I make and clean up) at my home and takes the kids out on one weekend day. In the 10+ years we have been divorced he has never fixed up a room at his house for the kids and rarely asks that they sleepover. He has never participated in carpool, bought clothes for them, taken them to the doctor's, gone to parent teacher meeting or night, or stayed home when they were sick.

He said something which revealed his scorn for SAHMs the other day, and I was in shock because it revealed to me that he literally has no idea what goes into raising a child rather than being a sperm donor.

I have facilitated a relationship between him and the kids for years, but now that they are older abd see how little he contributes to taking care of them, they are losing respect for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All is not fair in dating. Make sure the man pursues the hell out of you. If that's the case, the relationship will be smoother. In terms of romance, men should take the lead. unfortunately men haven't totally evolved past cave man.

I'm not sure if this is great advice.

This just ensures that you only date aggressively flirty types who see you as a conquest. She might be better off taking more initiative in choosing her boyfriends. Also, as dating apps become more the norm, and approaching women at the office/in public becomes less socially acceptable, the old "men chase women" paradigm is becoming less relevant.

+1. I used to only date people who pursued me hard and it was a mistake. It turned out that tbey don't have respect for boundaries, which is not a great quality in a relationship.

I weed people out of my life more agressively now when I see any dishonesty, lack of transparency or discourtesy, whereas I used to give second chances and think "everyone makes mistakes." It is true everyone makes mistakes, but I am not a source of on the job relationship training for men. Go away and learn lessons and be ready for the next person in your life, but not me. I watch behavior more than I listen to words. I have fewer long relationships and more dates, but I am happier.

[Anonymous]

Why do you think you attract "bad" behaved men? Or choose such men? Women can tell from few sentences from a guy and even from his demeanor is he is a jerk or not. Why even go out with such a person? I have to agree it is your poor choices. Lack of judgement? Better not to go out at all than to go out with a jerk. First you must respect yourself. Respecting yourself is different than being jerk to other people. I'd rather be single than with a jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think you attract "bad" behaved men? Or choose such men? Women can tell from few sentences from a guy and even from his demeanor is he is a jerk or not. Why even go out with such a person? I have to agree it is your poor choices. Lack of judgement? Better not to go out at all than to go out with a jerk. First you must respect yourself. Respecting yourself is different than being jerk to other people. I'd rather be single than with a jerk.

I'm not sure that this is true. Women who find themselves in abusive relationships will say that the guy seemed nice at first. I think boys and men have a better sense of which guys are abusive and which guys aren't, simply because they've had to navigate around bullies their whole lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think you attract "bad" behaved men? Or choose such men? Women can tell from few sentences from a guy and even from his demeanor is he is a jerk or not. Why even go out with such a person? I have to agree it is your poor choices. Lack of judgement? Better not to go out at all than to go out with a jerk. First you must respect yourself. Respecting yourself is different than being jerk to other people. I'd rather be single than with a jerk.

I'm not sure that this is true. Women who find themselves in abusive relationships will say that the guy seemed nice at first. I think boys and men have a better sense of which guys are abusive and which guys aren't, simply because they've had to navigate around bullies their whole lives.

Yeah my mom (and many women after her) fell hard for my toxic narcissist dad because he was suave, clever, amusing, and seemed nice. The hidden jerk only became evident over time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think you attract "bad" behaved men? Or choose such men? Women can tell from few sentences from a guy and even from his demeanor is he is a jerk or not. Why even go out with such a person? I have to agree it is your poor choices. Lack of judgement? Better not to go out at all than to go out with a jerk. First you must respect yourself. Respecting yourself is different than being jerk to other people. I'd rather be single than with a jerk.

I'm not sure that this is true. Women who find themselves in abusive relationships will say that the guy seemed nice at first. I think boys and men have a better sense of which guys are abusive and which guys aren't, simply because they've had to navigate around bullies their whole lives.

Or we respect, more than women do, other men who lack the status and money that women find attractive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think you attract "bad" behaved men? Or choose such men? Women can tell from few sentences from a guy and even from his demeanor is he is a jerk or not. Why even go out with such a person? I have to agree it is your poor choices. Lack of judgement? Better not to go out at all than to go out with a jerk. First you must respect yourself. Respecting yourself is different than being jerk to other people. I'd rather be single than with a jerk.

I'm not sure that this is true. Women who find themselves in abusive relationships will say that the guy seemed nice at first. I think boys and men have a better sense of which guys are abusive and which guys aren't, simply because they've had to navigate around bullies their whole lives.

Or we respect, more than women do, other men who lack the status and money that women find attractive.

There are plenty of men without much status or money who abuse women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think you attract "bad" behaved men? Or choose such men? Women can tell from few sentences from a guy and even from his demeanor is he is a jerk or not. Why even go out with such a person? I have to agree it is your poor choices. Lack of judgement? Better not to go out at all than to go out with a jerk. First you must respect yourself. Respecting yourself is different than being jerk to other people. I'd rather be single than with a jerk.

I'm not sure that this is true. Women who find themselves in abusive relationships will say that the guy seemed nice at first. I think boys and men have a better sense of which guys are abusive and which guys aren't, simply because they've had to navigate around bullies their whole lives.

Or we respect, more than women do, other men who lack the status and money that women find attractive.

There are plenty of men without much status or money who abuse women.

You got me there. But still, men judge each other on different criteria than women judge us: a willingness of the guy to go mountain biking despite his messed up personal life, say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not bad luck that you repeatedly got involved with shitty men. It’s by choice. Seek therapy for your issues.

No, it's due to the pure number of shitty men out there these days. Are you single and dating? If not, then you have no clue.

Keep making excuses for your life. I’m sure it will help you out in the long term.

It absolutely has. I will not be a doormat. I will not be treated badly. I will not be abused. I will not be lied to or cheated on. I will. To take care of a total bum deadbeat. I've walked away from men who have done all of these things, and yes walking away has helped me out for the long term.

Maybe one day I will meet a nice man who is what he says he is and treats me well. Maybe.

But from a pure numbers perspective, whether you believe it or not, there are many guys out there who are not good to women. They are unkind, not truthful, abusive, only want to be fwb, deadbeats, etc. there are loads of these types, and if you've been dating recently you would know that.

+1000 A lot of men out there seem to think that they are some type of "prize" that women are "lucky" to get. They want (& expect sex) if they buy you a damn cup of coffee. They ask you to dinner and then ask you to split the check because they say "I don't want to insult you". Went out with one a-hole this weekend. After 1 cup of coffee & a bagel for the first date, then , a very cheap dinner at TGIF (2 appetizers & WATER that we split!), he asked if I wanted to go to his place or he could come to mine next time...Yeah, NO next time..Rather go out with my girlfriends.

Shitty men will change if women stop dating them(or break up with them when they notice the shitty qualities).

Every single one of my girlfriends' marriages have issues that they and I saw before they got married. They chose to ignore or accept these issues. Now some complain and some want out.
They made their beds...

My husband's has weaknesses too(and so do I of course), and I too knew what I was getting into, and I am very happy with my choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think you attract "bad" behaved men? Or choose such men? Women can tell from few sentences from a guy and even from his demeanor is he is a jerk or not. Why even go out with such a person? I have to agree it is your poor choices. Lack of judgement? Better not to go out at all than to go out with a jerk. First you must respect yourself. Respecting yourself is different than being jerk to other people. I'd rather be single than with a jerk.

I'm not sure that this is true. Women who find themselves in abusive relationships will say that the guy seemed nice at first. I think boys and men have a better sense of which guys are abusive and which guys aren't, simply because they've had to navigate around bullies their whole lives.

Yeah my mom (and many women after her) fell hard for my toxic narcissist dad because he was suave, clever, amusing, and seemed nice. The hidden jerk only became evident over time.

With all due respect, this is probably BS. If you date someone seriously for 6 months(so pretty much seeing them every week-long distance relationships are tougher), you can pretty much tell what kind of person they are. It takes too much energy to keep one's true self hidden for that long.

Maybe your dad is part of the 1% of the population that is an expert at lying and concealing, but odds are your mom chose to ignore all the warning signs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All is not fair in dating. Make sure the man pursues the hell out of you. If that's the case, the relationship will be smoother. In terms of romance, men should take the lead. unfortunately men haven't totally evolved past cave man.

I'm not sure if this is great advice.

This just ensures that you only date aggressively flirty types who see you as a conquest. She might be better off taking more initiative in choosing her boyfriends. Also, as dating apps become more the norm, and approaching women at the office/in public becomes less socially acceptable, the old "men chase women" paradigm is becoming less relevant.

+1. I used to only date people who pursued me hard and it was a mistake. It turned out that tbey don't have respect for boundaries, which is not a great quality in a relationship.

I weed people out of my life more agressively now when I see any dishonesty, lack of transparency or discourtesy, whereas I used to give second chances and think "everyone makes mistakes." It is true everyone makes mistakes, but I am not a source of on the job relationship training for men. Go away and learn lessons and be ready for the next person in your life, but not me. I watch behavior more than I listen to words. I have fewer long relationships and more dates, but I am happier.

Yes - This!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not bad luck that you repeatedly got involved with shitty men. It’s by choice. Seek therapy for your issues.

No, it's due to the pure number of shitty men out there these days. Are you single and dating? If not, then you have no clue.

Keep making excuses for your life. I’m sure it will help you out in the long term.

It absolutely has. I will not be a doormat. I will not be treated badly. I will not be abused. I will not be lied to or cheated on. I will. To take care of a total bum deadbeat. I've walked away from men who have done all of these things, and yes walking away has helped me out for the long term.

Maybe one day I will meet a nice man who is what he says he is and treats me well. Maybe.

But from a pure numbers perspective, whether you believe it or not, there are many guys out there who are not good to women. They are unkind, not truthful, abusive, only want to be fwb, deadbeats, etc. there are loads of these types, and if you've been dating recently you would know that.

Early on in a relationship people can role play but sooner or later the real person shows his/her ugly face and people rarely change. The key is can you live with those imperfections? No one is perfect, but some imperfections are intolerable. I'm very thankful my DH has some imperfections as it would drive me nuts to not have nothing to work on.




+1000 A lot of men out there seem to think that they are some type of "prize" that women are "lucky" to get. They want (& expect sex) if they buy you a damn cup of coffee. They ask you to dinner and then ask you to split the check because they say "I don't want to insult you". Went out with one a-hole this weekend. After 1 cup of coffee & a bagel for the first date, then , a very cheap dinner at TGIF (2 appetizers & WATER that we split!), he asked if I wanted to go to his place or he could come to mine next time...Yeah, NO next time..Rather go out with my girlfriends.

Shitty men will change if women stop dating them(or break up with them when they notice the shitty qualities).

Every single one of my girlfriends' marriages have issues that they and I saw before they got married. They chose to ignore or accept these issues. Now some complain and some want out.
They made their beds...

My husband's has weaknesses too(and so do I of course), and I too knew what I was getting into, and I am very happy with my choice.

[Anonymous]

I don't think shitty men will change if women stop dating them. Look in the news at all the shitty men who take freebies from women against their wishes.