Talking with DH about concerns re new extreme diet

[Anonymous]

Very different responses on this thread than the thread where everyone is bashing bad diet advice!

Stop trying to control your DH, if he's overweight and it's working for him, he's fine.

[Anonymous]

Reading your post as someone who is experienced and knowledgeable in the world of health and nutrition, I can see why you have your concerns. It's very possible your husband has found a way to take control over one area of his health and as you say, that is a good thing! Perhaps this can be the start of a new journey for him.

I just had a conversation last week involving a woman trying to encourage her SO, and it seemed that whenever she suggested anything positive for him to pursue, he rejected her efforts. Apparently, he felt he was well capable of initiating things in his own time, in his own way, while strongly projecting his priorities and intentions in a non-verbal language. I don't see this as being the most healthy approach to reaching goals, as it damaged their teamwork as a couple, but more so because her active interest and outlook poked a mini stab at his ego, pride, and self sufficiency. This may not be the case with you, but I have seen this same pattern in many other men and their attempt to accomplish great things with their own efforts exclusively.

I don't have a clear cut answer for you, except to suggest making an abundance of fresh healthy whole foods for dinner without drawing attention to the fact. You can also avoid placing anything that contains sugar in your grocery cart. You can buy flavored water with zero grams of sugar and have it available. you can have cut up veggie snacks available at all times, fresh fruit, etc. so he can visually see his home filled with all the good stuff. I have been excessively eating healthy for almost three years now, and just a couple months ago my husband finally admitted the dangers of eating high fructose corn syrup, among other dangerous refined sugars. It is the sugar that puts weight on. If someone were to pick just one thing to help change their health and weight, eliminating sugar is tops.

I'm sorry your husband has not embraced your support in a way that would bless your well intended efforts. Don't give up though. Everyone has to start somewhere, and this may be one of those things where he needs to get a jump start with the momentum and determination he has right now. Things could change too. I truly wish you both the best.

[Anonymous]

. He wakes up in the morning and has a smoothie packed with peanut butter, protein powder, veggies, fruit, etc., and then he drinks tea all day until dinnertime. He eats a normal amount at dinner (sometimes tries to have smallish portions but nothing extreme) and then sometimes will have a small dessert afterwards (usually not but sometimes).

There is nothing terribly extreme about this. He has a protein and fat packed breakfast and then he has a normal dinner. Sounds like he is just eating less, but nothing extreme about this and it sounds as if he is getting a decent nutritional range of things. And if it is working for him, its fine.

On a related note I think an important issue is how this eating may or may not trigger your own history of disordered eating and make you anxious. I know that being around people who are dieting in certain ways makes me uncomfortable and can be triggering. when my DH suddenly got on the diet and health bandwagon (and lost 30 lbs, looks great, etc) I just had to ask him to not talk about it all the time or make assumptions about my diet, exercise routine, etc. He did his thing, I do mine and most importantly we dont talk about calories, intake, dieting, etc--its not healthy for me or the kids (we do talk about nutrition but not dieting). I would suggest you take this approach as I think some of your anxiety about his diet is also about your own past.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, for me, it is easier to just not eat than eat a little all day.

1) He's getting a HUGE breakfast with protein powder and peanutbutter and fruit. Probably a ton of calories.

2) so he doesn't eat all day. Big deal.

3) sensible dinner.

Sounds OK. Stop projecting and let him do his thing. Are you having to clean up after him? monitor him? change your habits in anyway? No? then stop worrying about him if all is actually OK.

[Anonymous]

He has breakfast and dinner. Seems fine to me. I would rather have lunch and no dinner. What is his calorie intake in 24 hours? We eat too much today, abnormally overeating. His breakfast sounds like way too much calories and sugar as it is. Is he losing weight? I see nothing wrong with cutting calories, he might not be cutting calories at all with this breakfast and full dinner eating. Are you heavy? If you are slim can't he copy your eating habits?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Small meals throughout the day keep insulin levels high, and will make you fat.

Sounds like 16/8 fasting which holds some promise to improve health and reduce diabetes risk

This! You are kind and loving to be concerned. I suggest you should do some research yourself on intermittent fasting and encourage him to meet with a nutritionist. I realize it can be hard for you because of your sensitivity re your own ED but there is much evidence that IF is healthy if done correctly. There is a 5/2 plan or 16hr/8 hr. It sounds like he is not doing either which may be fine but it may be more effective or healthy to follow an established IF diet. If he did 16/8 he would eat breakfast and big lunch and then fast until next morning and maybe decide to have 1 cheat day weekly.

Except he's having a 1,000 calorie smoothie in the morning. I mean, really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Small meals throughout the day keep insulin levels high, and will make you fat.

Sounds like 16/8 fasting which holds some promise to improve health and reduce diabetes risk

This! You are kind and loving to be concerned. I suggest you should do some research yourself on intermittent fasting and encourage him to meet with a nutritionist. I realize it can be hard for you because of your sensitivity re your own ED but there is much evidence that IF is healthy if done correctly. There is a 5/2 plan or 16hr/8 hr. It sounds like he is not doing either which may be fine but it may be more effective or healthy to follow an established IF diet. If he did 16/8 he would eat breakfast and big lunch and then fast until next morning and maybe decide to have 1 cheat day weekly.

Except he's having a 1,000 calorie smoothie in the morning. I mean, really.

Sounds like it’s working for him and she should butt the F out.

[Anonymous]

Everybody thinks their own way of eating is best. And we are all f'ing fat (yeah yeah, you aren't, I'm sure, but the rest of us, you know, as a collective called the American People). Let him try his own thing.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you for all the input. It's true that part of what makes me uncomfortable is the impact of this on my own eating behaviors and outlook. I know for myself that a part of what triggered by eating disorder was witnessing a roommate who was bulimic, even though I judged her eating habits to be dangerous and unhealthy. For me, any extreme focus on food runs the risk of causing me to obsess about it. I have found a way to not think about food all the time in my life now, but when I had an eating disorder, it seemed impossible to ever be able to not be thinking about food all the time. This seems like a trigger to cause me to think more about food and makes me a little nervous as a result.

But I'm honestly not trying to control his eating and am happy for him to eat how he wants. My concern is more that this is a really drastic change in how he typically eats and how he verbalizes his interest in eating, and frankly, it sounds to me like what I experienced with an eating disorder. I don't think he actually has an eating disorder, but I do think his approach to food is disordered. I also think most Americans have a pretty disordered view of food and eating. If his sudden approach to food was "more veggies! I'm going to eat a salad for lunch every day," I would be completely on board because I feel like the goal of it is health. But this just doesn't feel the same to me.

I also worry about the message this is sending to my kids. It's pretty obvious when Dad suddenly isn't eating lunch anymore. He's typically a person who really loves food and enjoys food as a hobby -- eating out, talking about different cuisines, etc.

But I agree that I probably can't do much productive at the moment, so I'll let it play out. Based on his personality, whether this is healthy or not (and I strongly think it's NOT), I don't foresee it having any long-term traction. And the PP who said maybe this is healthy because once he loses 20-40 pounds in a few weeks, he'll stop is completely off base. You don't put on that kind of weight in a few weeks, and you shouldn't be taking it off that fast either. A moderate approach is better to losing weight.

[Anonymous]

Has he lost any weight?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I drink coffee until 5 pm. Two years, quite sustainable. Only eat during the day on Saturdays. Daytime intake gives me an uncomfortable feeling of fullness and makes me cranky. My life is so much better when I eat less. I am happier and healthier.

This is classic disordered thinking. You have an eating disorder, and I hope you can get the medical and mental health assistance you need.
Peace to you.

No it isn’t. What OP’s DH does and what the above poster does are a variation of intermittent fasting. Americans have normalized obesity inducing diets that anything less or different is considered disordered eating.

Italians usually have an espresso for breakfast, a small lunch, and a large dinner. The concept of a big breakfast comes from the old days when most people farmed and did a lot of physical labor very early in the morning. And even then the very early morning breakfast was small; the second breakfast after morning farm chores was the big breakfast many Americans now eat (eggs and bacon and toast and milk etc) that they think is healthy but is not. Yo know because they are lazy - they aren’t doing farm work and most aren’t exercising either.

I’ve been on a ketogenic paleo diet for years. I usually have only coffee in the morning because I’m not hungry, and I don’t really get hungry until 2. My body has adapted to have the capability of metabolizing fat efficiently. Most Americans think eating 3 meals plus snacking in between is a good idea because they are actually addicted to sugar and their bodies cannot metabolize fat efficiently. (Which means that their bodies don’t access fat stores in the body for energy). That is why they are fat, and that is disordered eating.

Which Italians have a large dinner and a small lunch? Not any I know, large lunch and small dinner. Of course, unless you are eating out for dinner, which is a long dinner lasting hours and yes, large.

[Anonymous]

He's having a ton of protein and calories in the morning, and it sounds fine! Leave him be.

Some people cannot snack all day and not gain weight. I'm one of them.

[Anonymous]

1. Relax, it's not unhealthy and it's fine. Caveat - it's bad for his teeth to drink sugar all day: remind him of this fact and tell him to brush AND floss correctly.

2. What triggers you does not necessarily trigger others. What works for others may not work for you. Seriously.

3. There has been research on different types of fasting. My BIL does week-long fasts and says he feels great (he's certainly very active and trim).

4. I'm a biologist, my husband is a doctor, and we know that right now science has not pinpointed what perfect nutrition looks like. And that's because it's different for everyone. Lots of whole fruits and veggies, not too many contaminants in the form of pesticides etc, in our food and water, are what is confirmed currently. As for the frequency of meals or anything else, it's actually not that set in stone.

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree that you are REALLY projecting here - which I understand. This is all potentially dangerous for you, and triggering, and slippery slope, and and and....

But your husband is eating two meals a day, plenty of calories and protein, and is a happier person as a result.

Can you find a way to let him do this? To see that he is taking at least a defensible approach, and that thus far the results have been positive?

You cannot control him, and if you try it may have serious repercussions for your relationship, your family, and his long-term health. Please try to let go of the reins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all the input. It's true that part of what makes me uncomfortable is the impact of this on my own eating behaviors and outlook. I know for myself that a part of what triggered by eating disorder was witnessing a roommate who was bulimic, even though I judged her eating habits to be dangerous and unhealthy. For me, any extreme focus on food runs the risk of causing me to obsess about it. I have found a way to not think about food all the time in my life now, but when I had an eating disorder, it seemed impossible to ever be able to not be thinking about food all the time. This seems like a trigger to cause me to think more about food and makes me a little nervous as a result.

But I'm honestly not trying to control his eating and am happy for him to eat how he wants. My concern is more that this is a really drastic change in how he typically eats and how he verbalizes his interest in eating, and frankly, it sounds to me like what I experienced with an eating disorder. I don't think he actually has an eating disorder, but I do think his approach to food is disordered. I also think most Americans have a pretty disordered view of food and eating. If his sudden approach to food was "more veggies! I'm going to eat a salad for lunch every day," I would be completely on board because I feel like the goal of it is health. But this just doesn't feel the same to me.

I also worry about the message this is sending to my kids. It's pretty obvious when Dad suddenly isn't eating lunch anymore. He's typically a person who really loves food and enjoys food as a hobby -- eating out, talking about different cuisines, etc.

But I agree that I probably can't do much productive at the moment, so I'll let it play out. Based on his personality, whether this is healthy or not (and I strongly think it's NOT), I don't foresee it having any long-term traction. And the PP who said maybe this is healthy because once he loses 20-40 pounds in a few weeks, he'll stop is completely off base. You don't put on that kind of weight in a few weeks, and you shouldn't be taking it off that fast either. A moderate approach is better to losing weight.

Are you referring to this comment, OP?

I agree. And he may not need to do it longer than four weeks. Say he loses 10-20 pounds in four weeks. After that he can start eating more normally, but continue cutting to lose at a slower pace. Some people need to see an initial major loss to stay motivated.