Men: does a woman playing hard to get really work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess that part of this depends on how you read the guy's comments. It sounds like he likes her a lot but feels that they dove in together to quickly. He forthrightly told her about this because he doesn't want his lowering of the tempo to come across as him being not interested. As punishment for him feeling the same way as her, she wants to subject him to a lot of manipulative bullsh*t.

OP here. Sure, I guess it would be manipulative- but hate the game, not the player. I don't want to be some back burner b*tch. He is still calling and texting and wants to get together, I'm just trying to figure out how to navigate so I don't come across as desperate. I could get a date, easily, but this guy is a real catch and I want to play my cards right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:37 year old male here. There is a difference between playing hard to get and making it known you want to be persued. The hard to get thing says convince me that you are good enough. The wanting to persued says I know my self worth, show me you do to.

Wow, this is so perceptive. Never thought of it this way. Did you read about this somewhere and can yo elaborate?

Didn't read anywhere just what I have observed. I personally like the pursuing part. It creates "space" to test the waters and see where thing may lead. You both know what you want the end result to be, it's can you logistically and emotionally get there. It shows commitment and there is some behind the scene team building going on. It also allows for some flirtatious quips with out the other having to worry what the intent of the remark was.

[Anonymous]

Depends on what you want. If you want an opponent to play games against, then follow "The Rules" or whatever other game you want to play.

If you want to eventually meet a companion to spend your life with, be forthright. If they bail because you're not playing games, this was not the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, raise kids with, nurse through sickness, and depend on when you get sick.

[Anonymous]

Nope.

I've learned that if I have to chase them then they are not interested.
My experience has been that if a woman makes me "chase" her then she is all about getting the attention but as soon a guy comes alone that she is interested in she will not make him chase her. Therefore I look for women who show signs of interest early in the relationship. Ambivalence is a woman with regard to me is not an attractive trait.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guy here. For me, and if i were younger and if I just wanted to sleep with you (i.e., short term fling of sorts), then perhaps.

But I'm just too far removed from the post-college scene to be playing games. I'm a single dad, early 40s with a great high income career. I am only interested in women who want a serious relationship. This means a mature woman who knows what she wants and doesn't play childish games.

Yeah but you still want a challenge. Woman too easy = guy looses interest. I bet even for you this is at least partially true.

I'm the PP you quoted. I can tell that when I've gotten intimate with the women I've dated (all 37 y.o.+), they were worth waiting the 1-2 dates. The relationships fizzled for different reasons but not, as far as I can tell, because either of us lost interest because it was too "easy"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I'm thinking I should be more of a "Rules" girl with him. Never initiate communication, be slow to respond, make him plan dates in advance (instead of, see you after work).

Would love to hear men's perspectives here.

Man here. I would assume you weren’t that interested and I would pursue other opportunities to keep options open. These days, if there are signs that the woman isn’t very interested, it’s best to move on. Otherwise it could be viewed as harassment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guy here. For me, and if i were younger and if I just wanted to sleep with you (i.e., short term fling of sorts), then perhaps.

But I'm just too far removed from the post-college scene to be playing games. I'm a single dad, early 40s with a great high income career. I am only interested in women who want a serious relationship. This means a mature woman who knows what she wants and doesn't play childish games.

I get that but the thing is that a serious relationship unfolds and grows naturally, that means over time. You can't press a button or announce that ok, starting today we are in a serious relationship. It has to build up. You cannot fast-track closeness or intimacy -if you feel close and intimate quickly, that means you're projecting your own ideas onto a person vs. seeing a real person. Wanting a serious relationship doesn't mean going on all cylinders immediately. if a relationship is meant to be serious, it will grow to that point naturally over time.

you're right of course. But the other PP who very clearly stated the difference of playing hard to get vs. wanting to be pursued is at the thrust of what I was getting at as well. What I've seen is that women who are serious about finding the right person, will put out the vibe of "wanting to be pursued". In my experience, this has meant that we both have put on the best version of ourselves while on dates, planned thoughtful dates, engaged in real conversations, etc. To me, that's how a serious relationship would be able to develop.

I've had a bunch of first dates with the other type of woman as well - i.e., the type that screams "prove to me that you are worthy of my time". Thanks, but not thanks. I'm not interested in playing this childish mind games, trying to win someone over with gifts and displays of my wealth or ability to afford nice things for her benefit or to take out to the hot new restaurant or whatever is the "in" thing to do in DC at the moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. Sure, I guess it would be manipulative- but hate the game, not the player. I don't want to be some back burner b*tch. He is still calling and texting and wants to get together, I'm just trying to figure out how to navigate so I don't come across as desperate. I could get a date, easily, but this guy is a real catch and I want to play my cards right.

There is no game, other than what you are choosing to play. He isn't making you a "back burner b*tch*. Like you, he felt that maybe you guys in dove in too quickly and too aggressively. You said "Last week he spearheaded, but I agreed with, deciding to slow down." Are you treating him like a "back burner b*tch" because you also feel the same way? Rather than just pulling back he talked about it with you so that you wouldn't misinterpret his modest slowing down the pace of the relationship as a lack of interest. He has continued to text you and show interest in dating you. He has been forthright and communicative with you and you basically want to act like an asshole in return.

I think that you are not used to feeling this strongly and it is causing you to become defensive and panicky and desperate to assert what you perceive as control. But there is never control and you will alienate him if you do what you're planning. Acting like an asshole will draw assholes to you. It won't keep nice people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. Sure, I guess it would be manipulative- but hate the game, not the player. I don't want to be some back burner b*tch. He is still calling and texting and wants to get together, I'm just trying to figure out how to navigate so I don't come across as desperate. I could get a date, easily, but this guy is a real catch and I want to play my cards right.

There is no game, other than what you are choosing to play. He isn't making you a "back burner b*tch*. Like you, he felt that maybe you guys in dove in too quickly and too aggressively. You said "Last week he spearheaded, but I agreed with, deciding to slow down." Are you treating him like a "back burner b*tch" because you also feel the same way? Rather than just pulling back he talked about it with you so that you wouldn't misinterpret his modest slowing down the pace of the relationship as a lack of interest. He has continued to text you and show interest in dating you. He has been forthright and communicative with you and you basically want to act like an asshole in return.

I think that you are not used to feeling this strongly and it is causing you to become defensive and panicky and desperate to assert what you perceive as control. But there is never control and you will alienate him if you do what you're planning. Acting like an asshole will draw assholes to you. It won't keep nice people.

You're right - I am not used to feeling this strongly, and I am panicking. I'm trying it focus on my job, my house, myself, but find myself obsessing a bit (obviously). Thanks for the perspective.

[Anonymous]

OP this video spoke to me.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=upa6N-r7Y0Y

The premise is: you can't scare the right man off.
I agree.

[Anonymous]

Don't play games, don't "play" hard to get. Have some hobbies and some you time, but also some couple time and above all, keep showing you're interested (if you are).

[Anonymous]

Not around here, sorry. Too many decent looking women for the small crop of good men to waste time on. That's why there is no such thing as waiting for a third date either.

[Anonymous]

No

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess that part of this depends on how you read the guy's comments. It sounds like he likes her a lot but feels that they dove in together to quickly. He forthrightly told her about this because he doesn't want his lowering of the tempo to come across as him being not interested. As punishment for him feeling the same way as her, she wants to subject him to a lot of manipulative bullsh*t.

OP here. Sure, I guess it would be manipulative- but hate the game, not the player. I don't want to be some back burner b*tch. He is still calling and texting and wants to get together, I'm just trying to figure out how to navigate so I don't come across as desperate. I could get a date, easily, but this guy is a real catch and I want to play my cards right.

OP, its easy to tell if you are the “back burner bitch” if you take a step back. If he only booty calls, back burner botch. Wont make a date for you for a sat night, you dont meet his friends or see his place, back burner. Does he want to meet your friends, take an interest in your hobbies and your life? Does he make time for you at your convenience (not just his)? That means he likes you. Do you really find it necessary to stick to hard and fast rules like “dont accept dates for a sat after wed” to tell if someone likes you?

Re playing hard to get in general though, why *arent* you hard to get? Dont you have your own friends and hobbies and plans and Past times? Or are you dropping your own life to see this giy?

[Anonymous]

OP, how long has this relationship been going on in its “hot and heavy” state?

Also, you state that you were seeing each other every night. Were you mostly staying at his house, or he yours? How did that all play out? Were you inconveniencing yourself more than he was?