DH thinks excessive TV time is "bonding"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The excuses for men here are outrageous and depressing in their predictability .

Let's see if I can get them all in before more similarly-minded posters come along.

-Men, unlike women, need to unwind. Cut him some slack.

-Kids are just kind of boring (only to men, apparently) until they're like 2. Wait, no-- 4. Wait, no-- 6. Wait, no--

-This is the way men bond, by ignoring their kids. Women like to woman-y things like speak to their children, do chores with their children, interact with or at least do some sort of parallel work in the vicinity of their children. Having reasonably similar expectations of poor, stupid, clueless men is misandry!

-If you have a problem with anything Dad does, you are a Micromanaging Harpy. Also selfish and ungrateful.

-I mean, what did your father even do? How about your grandfather? At least your husband probably knows the kid's name, unlike every one of his male ancestors, who used their children as footstools and martini-bringers. You don't know how good you have it.

-I'm going to assume facts to in evidence by pretending this is only a small part of their time together (even though you said it's almost all of their time) and go off on a tangent about moderation.

-I personally have fond memories of doing this with my dad, albeit at a much older age, which makes it totally fine.

-You probably used a "tone" in speaking to him, so you deserve whatever you get in response. Unlike a woman would, he now has every right to take his ball and storm off in a huff. If he doesn't speak to his child again for the next 16 years, well, you both deserve it, you Micromanaging Harpy.

-Women these days blah blah blah.

Have I about covered it?

OP's husband needs to step up his game, and OP also needs to learn to communicate. How is the kid 2 years old and they've never had a conversation about what they, as a family, think is an acceptable amount of screen time? Just a strange dynamic all around.

Fair enough. What I don't appreciate is the usual deluge of "OMG men are just DIFFERENT lay OFF."

This isn't about you.

Oh, okay-- what is total crap is the usual deluge of "OMG men are just DIFFERENT lay OFF." Cool?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad and I would watch the national evening news together every night when I was a kid. I would ask him questions, and we had some great conversations. It's one of my best memories of him now that he's gone.

There isn't only one way to bond. Your husband is right.

Me too, and when I was older we’d watch baseball together because I played little league softball. To this day my dad and I text every day about current events or sports.

If your child doesn’t otherwise watch much TV, what is the big deal? Other than feeling an extreme need to control your husband’s parenting behavior?

How is that the same? A toddler wouldn't benefit from these experiences the same way an older child would.

I remember watching sports with my dad when I was a toddler. Sometimes I fell asleep beside him. There's actually a really cute picture of us napping together.[/quote

OP's DH is d*cking around on his phone while his toddler watches a kiddie show. No one is sharing anything except the same room. Perhaps not the end of the world, but not the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad and I would watch the national evening news together every night when I was a kid. I would ask him questions, and we had some great conversations. It's one of my best memories of him now that he's gone.

There isn't only one way to bond. Your husband is right.

Me too, and when I was older we’d watch baseball together because I played little league softball. To this day my dad and I text every day about current events or sports.

If your child doesn’t otherwise watch much TV, what is the big deal? Other than feeling an extreme need to control your husband’s parenting behavior?

How is that the same? A toddler wouldn't benefit from these experiences the same way an older child would.

I remember watching sports with my dad when I was a toddler. Sometimes I fell asleep beside him. There's actually a really cute picture of us napping together.

OP's DH is d*cking around on his phone while his toddler watches a kiddie show. No one is sharing anything except the same room. Perhaps not the end of the world, but not the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad and I would watch the national evening news together every night when I was a kid. I would ask him questions, and we had some great conversations. It's one of my best memories of him now that he's gone.

There isn't only one way to bond. Your husband is right.

Me too, and when I was older we’d watch baseball together because I played little league softball. To this day my dad and I text every day about current events or sports.

If your child doesn’t otherwise watch much TV, what is the big deal? Other than feeling an extreme need to control your husband’s parenting behavior?

How is that the same? A toddler wouldn't benefit from these experiences the same way an older child would.

I remember watching sports with my dad when I was a toddler. Sometimes I fell asleep beside him. There's actually a really cute picture of us napping together.[/quote

OP's DH is d*cking around on his phone while his toddler watches a kiddie show. No one is sharing anything except the same room. Perhaps not the end of the world, but not the same thing.

I'm fairly certain my Dad was not having a deeply meaningful conversation with me.

[Anonymous]

Man here. For me, I'm not good at "playing" with them, but we can do stuff together. I take them to the playground, or even out on mundane chores like shopping. It sounds like he's uncomfortable controlling your toddler when he's out, which means he hasnt' spent enough time wiht them in the first place. A good place to start then is to sign them up for a class (of his choosing) to go to every Saturday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:During an “argument” between DH and I today, I brought up how he interacts with our almost 2 yo DS. We weren’t raising our voices, but the conversation was still tense.

Basically, anytime I leave them alone together DH turns the TV on to kids shows while he plays on his phone. I told him that I wanted him to interact with DC and do more with him. I don’t care what they do (go outside, play in the nursery, go to a park for 20 minutes) but it would be nice to see them do something other than watch the TV.

He already doesn’t see DS that much. During the work week it’s only a half hour in the morning and evenings. On the weekends I take a few hours to catch up on work at the library. DH likes this arrangement, it’s a good opportunity for him to send time with DS.

It was surprising when DH became defensive about the screen time. Had an objection to every activity I brought up. Most of them surrounding how difficult it is to interact with a toddler, so what’s the point. He feels justified in his current parenting pattern and furthermore feels I am trying to control their relationship.


I’m flabbergasted. To me, it is obvious that children should have more interaction from their parents than this. And DH has always been a good man, so his reaction really surprised me. I was expecting him to acknowledge the excessive TV time and offer to do something with him in the near future.

I need some perspective.

So you were having a discusssion about an unrelated matter. You were upset that you weren't going to win the debat and decided to attack your DH and tell him he was a terrible parent so you could feel better.

Here's your perspective , if you don't learn to communicate better and you will be seeing your toddler 50% of the time and have zero say over what happens during that time.

Ah, another for The List.

"Better shut up and let him do whatever he wants if you ever want to see your kid again. Uh, I mean, if you don't want to split custody."

Aw so cute! You want so badly to be the witty DCUMer that everyone likes. Too bad you're a dumbas with no comprehension.

Yeah, I'm the "dumbas" PP and why would anyone try to be the DCUMer that everyone likes? It's a totally anon forum with tons of trolls and sock puppets and impossible to gain any sort of following without a username. Talk about "no comprehension."

I'm blowing off steam re: the endless stream of ready-made excuses for men, and the dire warnings for women, should they complain in literally any way. The OP doesn't sound great, but any OP who simply says, "I mentioned to my DH that I'm a bit concerned about the fact that he..." gets reamed for being horrible nag and a killjoy. It's not about tone-- no tone is ever nice enough for the poor, poor fragile men who can't be blamed for the fact that children are inherently tedious and burdensome to people with Y chromosomes. Science.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man here. For me, I'm not good at "playing" with them, but we can do stuff together. I take them to the playground, or even out on mundane chores like shopping. It sounds like he's uncomfortable controlling your toddler when he's out, which means he hasnt' spent enough time wiht them in the first place. A good place to start then is to sign them up for a class (of his choosing) to go to every Saturday.

'


^^THIS is all anyone is ever really asking. It's one thing to micromanage every second of a man's time with his child and another to suggest/encourage something other than total disengagement-- such as parking a kid in front of a cartoon while dad surfs Twitter for the near-entirety of their time together. I see a lot of projection in this thread-- if your husband watches some TV with his kid (especially if it's WITH his kid) and does some other things, great, fine, no problem. If your husband is totally disengaged from his kid, sorry, you have a problem that has nothing to do with TV. Stop losing focus.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry OP. What a shitty situation to be in.

This is bad parenting on the part of your DH. My almost two year hardly watches any TV at all - I'd be so pissed if her dad parked her in front of the TV and sat on his phone during their time together on the weekends. Now, I don't kid myself into thinking that when they are alone he is spending every minute interacting with her - I think he spends plenty of time on his phone too. But they are always doing some activity together - park, out for a walk, drawing, etc.

I would set it up as you want to limit screen time generally and discuss this with DH. Having your kid watch Daniel Tiger while he sits there on his phone is NOT bonding.

[Anonymous]

my husband does this too, always on his phone. Its so unattractive. I would love to see him playing games, laughing, and enjoying moments with our toddler.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad and I would watch the national evening news together every night when I was a kid. I would ask him questions, and we had some great conversations. It's one of my best memories of him now that he's gone.

There isn't only one way to bond. Your husband is right.

You didn't have great conversations about the national evening news with your father WHEN YOU WERE TWO.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP. That's some super shitty parenting of your husband.

[Anonymous]

Yes, your husband could do better. Objectively and subjectively.

No, you don't get to rate him as a parent. You're not his supervisor.

Back off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH did this with our older son, too. It was awful. In our case, our son ended up with severe ADD which the specialists said excessive TV caused.

DH learned his lesson but at our older son's expense. It still pisses me off.

I should have insisted that they take a music class or gym class together on Saturday mornings since he was incapable of playing with his son on his own.

Your specialist said no such thing.

NP, but they probably said "correlated with." Better?

Our learning specialist said that early TV definitely made my DD's ADHD worse.

Saying TV makes ADHD or ADD worse is not the same is saying TV caused it.

And it's just as incorrect.
It's such a shame how most people have no training in how to critically evaluate and understand research. Including "learning specialists".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man here. For me, I'm not good at "playing" with them, but we can do stuff together. I take them to the playground, or even out on mundane chores like shopping. It sounds like he's uncomfortable controlling your toddler when he's out, which means he hasnt' spent enough time wiht them in the first place. A good place to start then is to sign them up for a class (of his choosing) to go to every Saturday.

I'm OP.

I’ve tried to have this conversations other ways, as previous poster’s suggested. I’ve brought up the recommended amount of screen time. I’ve discussed my plans to stick to a certain amount of TV time for the upcoming week. Asked if he’d take the baby to XYZ class or run an errand. I get that he needs time to unwind, and he more than deserves it. There are plenty of times throughout the week where he is able to relax at home without putting on the “Dad” hat.

And if the baby wants to watch a sport or evening news program with him, that’s fine. Although complete fantasy until he gets older. The TV habits have been gradually growing and not some long running underlying problem. Again, he’s a smart and reasonable person and it surprised me that he wouldn’t agree to what appears obvious. I don’t care how he increases his engagement with DS. If I was trying to control them then I would say something about it in the moment, not later.

I’ll assume the conversation embarrassed him to some level. I’m sure I could have delivered the message better, but I do believe a direct approach was the only way to have my point understood. For those who respond with the threat of divorce, you’re not wrong. Communication is indeed a major reason why relationships become unsustainable. Although that doesn’t feel like a current threat in my marriage, life is ever changing.

To the gentleman above, I appreciate your perspective. It makes total sense that he could feel unequipped to handle DS in public. Toddlers are a breed of their own anyhow. I will try to encourage the Saturday class approach or preschedule a chore/errand he and the baby can do on Saturday.


In all fairness, we ran out of paper towels this morning and he offered to take the baby to the store to pick some up. Offering to take the baby on a quick errand almost never happens so I guess this is a good opportunity to recognize the effort.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he doesn't know how to interact with a toddler. I completely understand that you need him to take over sometimes and give him a break, but maybe planning family time to show him a different way of doing things could help.

If you want him to go to the park, then plan an outing for you and your child (maybe a picnic), and invite him along.

If you're playing bubbles, or chalk, or blocks, etc., invite him to come see how cute your son is and then get him involved.