I was raised in a Duggar like family. AMA

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you feel you were abused or mistreated?

I have never felt traumatized. Everything I experienced was so normalized that it was expected and not traumatic. It took until my 30s to be able to see that there were things that were abusive.

Similar to Josh Duggar, there were many 13-14 year old boys in our group with no sex ed, no outlet, no conversations about sex yet with a natural curiosity and sexual thoughts. I was molested by 2 of them at different times as they tried to figure out what boobs looked / felt like and about female bodies. They really had no knowledge and the young teen boys hung together in these roving bands of testosterone and sexual lusting. For a long time, I accepted it as just part of the growing up experience. I think most girls in our group experienced something similar - it was kind of just part of life. As did the boys.

I had a brother who was physically violent towards me. I always said it didn't bother me at all. But in subtle ways it impacted me a lot.

[Anonymous]

Do you masturbate? If so, do you feel OK about it?

How was that treated growing up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you still in contact with anyone from that group?

A few cousins but our relationships are quite strained in some ways. I am still in contact with a few others that left. I am not in contact with anyone still completely in the group except for a few cousins. After my family left, no one was allowed to talk to us or see us so for 8 years I was completely separated from the only people I had ever really known (we had never been allowed to have friends outside the group or socialize outside the group). At the 8 year mark, I heard from a cousin that my grandmother was in hospital and dying and I defiantly went to see her to say good bye. Initially my cousins and aunts and uncles were angry I was there but it ended up being 3 weeks until she died and we started talking a little during that time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you married or do you date? Are you married to/do you date people only from that group or from the broader population? Is it weird to have to discuss with DH/dates why you do/don't do certain things?

I didn't date and I never married. My trust in people, my sense of self, my inner conflict and guilt...I don't think I could ever be a good spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you feel like an outsider wherever you go now?

Not really. Outwardly, I am very normal. Only a couple people in my life now know about my past.

I sometimes feel I don't fit in, but I think that is no more or less than anyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you masturbate? If so, do you feel OK about it?

How was that treated growing up?

I actually masturbated quite a bit as a child / teen without any idea that what I was doing was masturbation or sexual even. I knew absolutely nothing about my body, sex, sexuality or anything remotely related. I had never heard of masturbation. I used to squeeze a pillow between my legs. I remember my mother telling me not to do that and I thought it was because it was bad for the pillow!

I figured it out in my early twenties that I had actually been masturbating and was horrified. It made me feel incredible shame and guilt and I didn't touch myself at all for a good ten years.

Now, I am fine with it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you struggle with shame? Like self-shaming for anything you think you don't do well or correctly?

yes, shame and guilt are ever present. I know how to talk back to the but not how to stop feeling that way. I am very hard on myself.

[Anonymous]

Have you gone to therapy? If so, was it useful?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you gone to therapy? If so, was it useful?

No, I haven't. I have a pretty good life and feel okay with it. everyone has their issues and I have mine but overall my life is pretty good.

[Anonymous]

What are your most meaningful personal relationships right now?

[Anonymous]

Do you pray?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are your most meaningful personal relationships right now?

I don't share my inner self with anyone, but I have a good friend group, see my family often, work with a great team of people.

I have always found it easy to form friendships and have friends from many walks of life. Overtime in the end I always take on a helper / rescuer role and I never really need anything from friends. Some people are fine with this, others get annoyed that I don't depend on them the way they depend on me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you pray?

Not anymore. I still believe in God / Jesus and some of my belief system but I struggle to understand some things. For me my faith is kind of 'on hold'. I haven't abandoned it but it isn't part of my daily life.

[Anonymous]

Please don't feel like you would make a bad spouse! On the contrary, you sound like a very humane and empathetic human being. If you are unhappy alone, don't hold back from looking for a partner in life.

I believe you are lucky in having intelligent parents, and being psychologically stable and intelligent yourself. Best wishes to you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are your most meaningful personal relationships right now?

I don't share my inner self with anyone, but I have a good friend group, see my family often, work with a great team of people.

I have always found it easy to form friendships and have friends from many walks of life. Overtime in the end I always take on a helper / rescuer role and I never really need anything from friends. Some people are fine with this, others get annoyed that I don't depend on them the way they depend on me.

Do you think that this is healthy?