Life just feels like a slog

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the reality is that, for most people, most of the time, life is a slog. Can you try to put aside some more time to do a few things with your kids that you enjoy? That has helped me to feel a bit better about life. Play a game with them that they like, plan to go to a park as a family on a weekend. Just something to look forward to and get satisfaction from other than dragging them home, homework, and bed.

Yes, I can. Did that this Saturday, actually. Woke up on Saturday morning, looked at my messy house and said, fuck it. Got my boys dressed, dragged them to our neighborhood playground, and played NERF gun wars and did 20+ rotations up the jungle gym ladder and down the slide. It was awesome. Also found a cool Smithsonian book someone bought my older boy that has fun science-y things to do like make rock candy lollipops and Baked Alaska. So I'm trying and need to be more intentional about doing that kind of stuff more.

So today though I'm sitting here at work thinking how awesome it would be to pick my older kid up from school at 1:45 and do these things with the afternoon instead of sitting in meetings, answering emails, fighting bureaucracy. You know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure where you live or what you do for a living but maybe, move? Somewhere with a slower pace.

I have a "slower pace," I guess. Where I live is as slow as it gets without being in the middle of a rural cow patch. It really doesn't have to do with geography. I just think I have limits as a person, no matter where I am, and being management at work, and a mom, and a wife, and friend, sister, daughter, etc - for me it's just too much. I can't switch on and off easily. Everything bleeds into one, and I feel like there are just too many demands and too many thoughts and concerns and worries and to-dos all the time. I hate it.

Your attitude doesn't sound that great, TBH. I live in a small PA town. I'm home from work (a well paying job) by 5pm every day. The culture is not very "keeping up with the Jones'." I have time, things cost less, it's a less competitive atmosphere. You sound like you're not very willing to make any adjustments to address your discontent.

I'm quite willing. But I'm in a marriage, and I don't get to make executive decisions. So, you know, life. Glad you have it all figured out, though!

Thanks! It is a great feeling to truly love my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I completely remember feeling that way when my kids were toddlers. They suck the fun and spontaneity out of everything. Having come out on the other side (with boys who are 10 and 12), I think the answer is to schedule as little as possible. Including dinner. Who cares what you are eating. Grab a rotisserie chicken, a loaf of bread, and some apples and cheese and head over to a park with the kids after you get home from work. Have a picnic. Play music in the house that you love. Dance around in your underwear. Get silly.

Work - I can't really help you with (can you listen to music while you work?). My only suggestion would be to play hooky one afternoon and go see a movie (without your kids or DH). Obviously, take the time off work. But don't tell anyone else what you are doing.

It does get better.

Thanks, PP. Intellectually I know this.

So question, since you are a mom of two boys - do they want to hang out with you now that they are older? I mean, now they WANT my attention so bad, and I feel like I don't have it to give (or I just frankly don't have the freaking energy), and then I worry by the time it gets easier they'll be all like, "meh," and it won't be cool to hang out with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I completely remember feeling that way when my kids were toddlers. They suck the fun and spontaneity out of everything. Having come out on the other side (with boys who are 10 and 12), I think the answer is to schedule as little as possible. Including dinner. Who cares what you are eating. Grab a rotisserie chicken, a loaf of bread, and some apples and cheese and head over to a park with the kids after you get home from work. Have a picnic. Play music in the house that you love. Dance around in your underwear. Get silly.

Work - I can't really help you with (can you listen to music while you work?). My only suggestion would be to play hooky one afternoon and go see a movie (without your kids or DH). Obviously, take the time off work. But don't tell anyone else what you are doing.

It does get better.

Thanks, PP. Intellectually I know this.

So question, since you are a mom of two boys - do they want to hang out with you now that they are older? I mean, now they WANT my attention so bad, and I feel like I don't have it to give (or I just frankly don't have the freaking energy), and then I worry by the time it gets easier they'll be all like, "meh," and it won't be cool to hang out with me.

There's less interaction but they always love to hang with their parents (in moderation of course). My boys are mid to late teens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I completely remember feeling that way when my kids were toddlers. They suck the fun and spontaneity out of everything. Having come out on the other side (with boys who are 10 and 12), I think the answer is to schedule as little as possible. Including dinner. Who cares what you are eating. Grab a rotisserie chicken, a loaf of bread, and some apples and cheese and head over to a park with the kids after you get home from work. Have a picnic. Play music in the house that you love. Dance around in your underwear. Get silly.

Work - I can't really help you with (can you listen to music while you work?). My only suggestion would be to play hooky one afternoon and go see a movie (without your kids or DH). Obviously, take the time off work. But don't tell anyone else what you are doing.

It does get better.

Thanks, PP. Intellectually I know this.

So question, since you are a mom of two boys - do they want to hang out with you now that they are older? I mean, now they WANT my attention so bad, and I feel like I don't have it to give (or I just frankly don't have the freaking energy), and then I worry by the time it gets easier they'll be all like, "meh," and it won't be cool to hang out with me.

My boys definitely still want to hang out with me (and DH). We watch the Voice, The Great British Bake Off, we go kayaking, we play endless number of games. Sometimes though they are playing something on their own or with each other (or with the kids in the neighborhood) and they will turn down my suggestion of hanging together. Sometimes I will be doing my own thing and I can turn down their suggestion of hanging together (or postpone it). Nobody gets in a fit about it though, which makes all the difference. Of course, we all put a high priority on family time. But it isn't this constant neediness that having a toddler entails.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I completely remember feeling that way when my kids were toddlers. They suck the fun and spontaneity out of everything. Having come out on the other side (with boys who are 10 and 12), I think the answer is to schedule as little as possible. Including dinner. Who cares what you are eating. Grab a rotisserie chicken, a loaf of bread, and some apples and cheese and head over to a park with the kids after you get home from work. Have a picnic. Play music in the house that you love. Dance around in your underwear. Get silly.

Work - I can't really help you with (can you listen to music while you work?). My only suggestion would be to play hooky one afternoon and go see a movie (without your kids or DH). Obviously, take the time off work. But don't tell anyone else what you are doing.

It does get better.

Thanks, PP. Intellectually I know this.

So question, since you are a mom of two boys - do they want to hang out with you now that they are older? I mean, now they WANT my attention so bad, and I feel like I don't have it to give (or I just frankly don't have the freaking energy), and then I worry by the time it gets easier they'll be all like, "meh," and it won't be cool to hang out with me.

My boys definitely still want to hang out with me (and DH). We watch the Voice, The Great British Bake Off, we go kayaking, we play endless number of games. Sometimes though they are playing something on their own or with each other (or with the kids in the neighborhood) and they will turn down my suggestion of hanging together. Sometimes I will be doing my own thing and I can turn down their suggestion of hanging together (or postpone it). Nobody gets in a fit about it though, which makes all the difference. Of course, we all put a high priority on family time. But it isn't this constant neediness that having a toddler entails.

Sounds great! Good for you. I have an almost 7-year age difference though (thanks, infertility!) so I'm not sure we'll ever be at your exact point, but I suppose I can see it out there in 5-6 years. I think maybe DH and I need to divide and conquer with our boys a bit more as it is hard to please an 8 year old and a 1 year old with the same activities. Case in point we recently went to a great park with our boys where you can kayak and paddle-boat and there are playgrounds and hiking trails and such. Older son wanted to kayak with both of us. But alas, no, with a toddler around. So it ended up being an exhausting trip full of whining and dashed expectations. Totally our bad. Next time we go we need a sitter for the little one - he can play on a playground anywhere, no special outing required. It's like we're friggin rookies again. . .

[Anonymous]

Good for you. I have an almost 7-year age difference though (thanks, infertility!) so I'm not sure we'll ever be at your exact point, but I suppose I can see it out there in 5-6 years.

NP here, but if it cheers you up any, I have an almost 7 year age difference with my younger sister. By the time she was 4 and I was 10-11, we got alone really nicely, though obviously the dynamic was different than with kids closer in age.

[Anonymous]

OP - I'm with you. Working mom here of a K and 1st grader and yeah, I'm sick of it all too. It's not about getting outsourced help - I have a nanny/back up nanny for babysitting, housekeeping weekly, great DH who helps me and it's the same for both of us - it is a slog many weeks at a time. I go through dips and then times when I'm so busy I just can't really think about how things are

1. Do something really cool once in awhile - Les Miserables is coming to National Theater in Dec. See if you can pull some girlfriends (other moms - good opp. to get to develop a closer relationship with a casual friend) or your husband. You can get dressed up, see a show, it's an event. A movie + dinner works too. In other words, find an excuse to do something that is totally different than mom life

2. Take a day off work. Just do it. Sleep or do nothing, buy a pair of earrings going shopping, do anything but it's a few hours for you.

3. I have someone overnight my kids (old nanny/back up nanny) every now and then. It's like a sleepover - it gets the kids out of the house for 1 night. You can have family do it, kids' friend sleepover if old enough, etc. The idea is to get them out of your sight for 1 night.

I don't buy the exercise, eat well crap. It's not about doing something to "feel better" daily - and it's not about getting away either. It's just feeling like your routine is the same every fucking day for me. For me, finding an opportunity to focus on me takes me out of the routine. It can be as easy as "losing" myself in a great TV show. Try getting hooked on a show LOL It sounds ridiculous but it helps. It's all about feeling like you have a Groundhog Day life.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

oopss.. meant: You DO NOT have a Groundhog Day life!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No good advice OP, I'm just right there with you. I'm annoyed with myself for feeling so tired, bored, uninspired, just not happy overall. I hate my job, my relationship is difficult and it's hard having little kids. I try to tell myself it's just a chapter in my life and it'll get better eventually. I just try to take it one day at a time and recognize and appreciate a good day when I have one.

It gets easier re: the kids (but I have relatively easy teens). The relationship changes but if the issues are selfishness, etc, won't go away and will annoy you more. One day at a time is good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You gotta do better prioritizing and planning OP. You can have an awesome life (you have your health, the rest is up to you!)

Listen to this:

http://www.asianefficiency.com/podcast/083-kendra-wright/

PP, I've read all this stuff. And I am perfectly capable of doing it. I can get it all done. It's not about that. It's about how I feel. I can be uber-productive but it just feels hollow and it all flies by and it all bleeds into a big blur. There's so much, and so much planning, that goes into making it all work. Home feels like work, too. I have two full time jobs, and I am manager at both. And yes, my husband is a great partner and he brings in his share of income and does his share of childcare, housework, etc. I'm sorry, but all these sites sell a myth. On an existential level I just do not derive meaning and satisfaction from being super-woman. It matters to me that I am providing for my family and my kids, but there is little joy in it. I would like more time for actual joy. For togetherness that is not planned because this is our one three hour window and by God we are going to cram some fucking fun in if it kills us!!!

And before anyone goes there, no I do not have money to hire a cleaner/nanny/cook/gardener.

K cool op. Glad you came asking for advice that you don't want to take. Oh wait, you actually just want to wallow in your misery. That's cool. Enjoy!

The part about the three hour window for some fun sounds exactly like the Amy Chua rant in her book about being an Asian supermom. She describes the 2 hours they have to watch netflix on Saturday night as a family as the ONLY nonstructured time in their schedule, the only time they are all free simultaneously and no one has an activity. If that's actually how your life is, then you need to figure out how to get off of the train and out of the rat race.
Of course, I felt the same way. My oldest are in college now but I deeply regret not having spent more time just hanging out with them. It feels like we all worked like maniacs and drove around like maniacs to get them into college and now it's like that Cat Stephens song about the cat's in the cradle. All of a sudden I have nothing but time but they're not there to hang out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You gotta do better prioritizing and planning OP. You can have an awesome life (you have your health, the rest is up to you!)

Listen to this:

http://www.asianefficiency.com/podcast/083-kendra-wright/

PP, I've read all this stuff. And I am perfectly capable of doing it. I can get it all done. It's not about that. It's about how I feel. I can be uber-productive but it just feels hollow and it all flies by and it all bleeds into a big blur. There's so much, and so much planning, that goes into making it all work. Home feels like work, too. I have two full time jobs, and I am manager at both. And yes, my husband is a great partner and he brings in his share of income and does his share of childcare, housework, etc. I'm sorry, but all these sites sell a myth. On an existential level I just do not derive meaning and satisfaction from being super-woman. It matters to me that I am providing for my family and my kids, but there is little joy in it. I would like more time for actual joy. For togetherness that is not planned because this is our one three hour window and by God we are going to cram some fucking fun in if it kills us!!!

And before anyone goes there, no I do not have money to hire a cleaner/nanny/cook/gardener.

K cool op. Glad you came asking for advice that you don't want to take. Oh wait, you actually just want to wallow in your misery. That's cool. Enjoy!

The part about the three hour window for some fun sounds exactly like the Amy Chua rant in her book about being an Asian supermom. She describes the 2 hours they have to watch netflix on Saturday night as a family as the ONLY nonstructured time in their schedule, the only time they are all free simultaneously and no one has an activity. If that's actually how your life is, then you need to figure out how to get off of the train and out of the rat race.
Of course, I felt the same way. My oldest are in college now but I deeply regret not having spent more time just hanging out with them. It feels like we all worked like maniacs and drove around like maniacs to get them into college and now it's like that Cat Stephens song about the cat's in the cradle. All of a sudden I have nothing but time but they're not there to hang out.

This is one of the most upsetting posts to me that I have read in awhile. I feel like my life is like this, and I do not even have my kids in activities yet!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You gotta do better prioritizing and planning OP. You can have an awesome life (you have your health, the rest is up to you!)

Listen to this:

http://www.asianefficiency.com/podcast/083-kendra-wright/

PP, I've read all this stuff. And I am perfectly capable of doing it. I can get it all done. It's not about that. It's about how I feel. I can be uber-productive but it just feels hollow and it all flies by and it all bleeds into a big blur. There's so much, and so much planning, that goes into making it all work. Home feels like work, too. I have two full time jobs, and I am manager at both. And yes, my husband is a great partner and he brings in his share of income and does his share of childcare, housework, etc. I'm sorry, but all these sites sell a myth. On an existential level I just do not derive meaning and satisfaction from being super-woman. It matters to me that I am providing for my family and my kids, but there is little joy in it. I would like more time for actual joy. For togetherness that is not planned because this is our one three hour window and by God we are going to cram some fucking fun in if it kills us!!!

And before anyone goes there, no I do not have money to hire a cleaner/nanny/cook/gardener.

OMG OP I am right there with you. Can we be best friends?

YES.

Yay! Finally, someone who GETS me!

Seriously, I am where OP is and I am seriously thinking of going part time. This would not have been a possibility to me 5 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No good advice OP, I'm just right there with you. I'm annoyed with myself for feeling so tired, bored, uninspired, just not happy overall. I hate my job, my relationship is difficult and it's hard having little kids. I try to tell myself it's just a chapter in my life and it'll get better eventually. I just try to take it one day at a time and recognize and appreciate a good day when I have one.

Same, PP. It just really helps to hear it. In my case I have friends who have really terrible shit going on. I try to remind myself that compared to them I have it really good and I've no real right to complain. I actually kind of hate myself for feeling the way I do. Compared to how I grew up, I have it golden. And yet. . .here I am. Ugh. WTF is wrong with me?

PP here. I think the same things, except I don't know how much better we have it than I did growing up -- some things are better, some things are not. But something that's helping me today is "finding joy" in a couple little things and really trying to relish them. It sounds dumb, but I just had a really good sandwich for lunch that made my whole day better. I'm pregnant and food has not been good lately, but this sandwich was really good. It brightened my mood. I also had a really good weekend because my live-in MIL is out of town. I didn't do a single thing differently than any other weekend, just laid around the house a lot because I feel like garbage, hung out with my toddler, cooked and did a little house work. But I spent really good time with my little nuclear family and I feel a certain sense of peacefulness because there's just this huge tension that lifted with MIL being gone. Freaking glorious. I'm still "finding joy" in her absence today and plan to for the duration of her trip. All about the little victories.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You gotta do better prioritizing and planning OP. You can have an awesome life (you have your health, the rest is up to you!)

Listen to this:

http://www.asianefficiency.com/podcast/083-kendra-wright/

PP, I've read all this stuff. And I am perfectly capable of doing it. I can get it all done. It's not about that. It's about how I feel. I can be uber-productive but it just feels hollow and it all flies by and it all bleeds into a big blur. There's so much, and so much planning, that goes into making it all work. Home feels like work, too. I have two full time jobs, and I am manager at both. And yes, my husband is a great partner and he brings in his share of income and does his share of childcare, housework, etc. I'm sorry, but all these sites sell a myth. On an existential level I just do not derive meaning and satisfaction from being super-woman. It matters to me that I am providing for my family and my kids, but there is little joy in it. I would like more time for actual joy. For togetherness that is not planned because this is our one three hour window and by God we are going to cram some fucking fun in if it kills us!!!

And before anyone goes there, no I do not have money to hire a cleaner/nanny/cook/gardener.

K cool op. Glad you came asking for advice that you don't want to take. Oh wait, you actually just want to wallow in your misery. That's cool. Enjoy!

The part about the three hour window for some fun sounds exactly like the Amy Chua rant in her book about being an Asian supermom. She describes the 2 hours they have to watch netflix on Saturday night as a family as the ONLY nonstructured time in their schedule, the only time they are all free simultaneously and no one has an activity. If that's actually how your life is, then you need to figure out how to get off of the train and out of the rat race.
Of course, I felt the same way. My oldest are in college now but I deeply regret not having spent more time just hanging out with them. It feels like we all worked like maniacs and drove around like maniacs to get them into college and now it's like that Cat Stephens song about the cat's in the cradle. All of a sudden I have nothing but time but they're not there to hang out.

OP here. I hear you, PP. I really do. What you talk about is my fear. My son is in three activities. I have already talked to DH about needing to whittle it down to 2 and that DS has to choose by the end of this year which he is going to focus on. Because once the younger one is in activities, we will have a nervous breakdown.

I think DH is also in denial about needing to move - not cross country, but to a different hood in our current locale to make commutes and the stuff of daily life faster/easier. I will wear him down eventually but that in itself is exhausting.